Teenager refusing school...Long Post :(

rozmister

pupsicola wrote: »

I think you are brave marrying into such a family. Would have sent me running for the hills. Your oh must be very special.

What a terrible thing to say!! I come from a difficult at times background (although my family now isn't a problem) and if my boyfriend ran for the hills because of my family, who I can't change, I'd be glad. Someone who ditches someone because of that isn't worth the hassle. If they were threatening and abusive specifically to the OP I'd understand but I think a man who tries to help his family when it isn't an easy job is a real keeper, loyalty in the face of adversity is an EXTREMELY attractive quality.

From my experience of social workers getting involved with low level issues in young people the support you receive varies greatly. Where I live they just come round for a cup of tea and to check your house isn't a state and your parents aren't obviously mental then tell you off for whatever brought them there and say if you do it again theyll have to come back and leave. However I have other friends who grew up in different areas who had a very different experience of social work support.

With the young girl maybe it would be a good idea to do something with her that shows both that you care and want to listen and gives her a break. Maybe you could take her out for the day or invite her round for tea and a chat and let her put whatever she wants on tv and stuff. If she comes from an abusive background she may feel there's no one to listen to whatever's upsetting her about going to school or that she doesn't want to rock the boat anymore. Whatever it is needs to be tackled because she can't go on not attending.

She sounds a bit troubled so maybe you could see what youth services are in your area to support her and help her work through her problems. When I dropped out of college a local youth service for 13 - 19 year olds gave me counselling (the NHS couldn't offer more than 6 sessions and there was a 6 month wait) and a mentor who met me once a week for a year and took me for a coffee or riding and came into college when I got into trouble. It absolutely transformed my life having someone I trusted to open up to about my issues and someone who made time for just me and really cared and was interested in me. It made me feel like I was worth something to someone.

Good luck, they're all so lucky to have someone as caring as you on their side!

Blackpool_Saver

Great post Roz

meritaten

thanks for the update upset! that child sure sounds like she is in some sort of trouble, and your poor MIL2B...........words fail me! poor lady still making excuses for being the family punching bag! hun, patience.............and as another poster says, why not take this teen out for the day and try to gain her trust. she may open up to you or you may gain an insight into whats actually going on in this family! things sometimes are not what they seem! please keep us updated!

Upset

Quick Update:-

Yesterday afternoon MIL2B & my partner & i decided we would have the daughter for a few days to see if she will talk to us & calm her.

So we spent the whole day planning our move's so everyone knew what we was doing, And the other brother ruined everything!

However, We managed to get her to our's to give MIL2B a much needed rest!

The daughters school has come back to us, They have offered their releaf team worker to go to MIL2B home twice weekly to try and work with these issues she having. Which angered FIL2B.!

But...Tuff!

So, How can i start getting the daughter to open up to me..?
We normally have a good relationship - So i'm hoping i might be able to get to the bottom of this before it goes much further

Thank you everyone for your support & advice! xx

missstropy

Do you have facebook, could you not add the 13yr old as a friend on there, that way you can see some of whats going on on her profile and her homepage.........I do it with my daughter, (shes 13 too) some of the comments she gets when shes had a falling out are atrocious, and Id dread to think what was in the inbox somethimes.........You sound like your having a nightmare time, I feel for you I really do.........

Does sound like she is being bullied at school though

rozmister

I think the thing that makes young girls open up is feeling like you are relaxed with them and not pushing them. I remember hating being pushed on anything and therefore hiding lots of things but with people who didn't push me and just like hung out with me and didn't make comments about stuff or react to the bad things I did I felt I could open up.

So for instance if I said I hadn't been going to college and someone went in a condemning tone "What did you do that for" I would have been like IT'S MY CHOICE. But if they said oh right, why didn't you feel like going? I'd have maybe told them. Young people know school is what gets you good jobs they normally don't need telling and nagging and if you treat young people like adults normally it means they react in a more mature manner.

Also maybe take a general interest in her as a person. If you already get on with her and know her ask her about stuff you know she's into (e.g. if she likes Glee ask what she thinks of the new series) or ask her what she wants to watch on tv or what she thinks about stuff. It's nice to feel people are interested in your opinion.

I think you have a good chance of getting her to open up to you. It's much easier to open up to an adult whose closer to your age and not your parents when your that age. Your parents have so many set ideas of what you should be and they want from you because you were their precious littly baby once whereas I think non-parentals take you a bit more as you are!

RAS

Try avoiding any comment on what she tells you.

Hmm, Mmm, Ah ha, and if she clams up after starting something, mm and.. and then keep quiet, even when the silence gets a problem to you.

Britwife

Very good update, it's a start.

I think her parents need to take her phone from her to give her time away from Facebook. Share your observations with her daughter and let her know in a caring tone that you just want to make sure she is safe online. Keep it in a tone that leaves the door open. Before going to bed or whenever you leave her, give her a hug and a kiss and say luv ya girl. Abusive home usually don't get affection and really need this. Invite her and miltb over to your place once a week for girly fun. Like pedicures and manicures or a movie night, or board game. It's important to keep her mom in this so they can heal and get closer too. Let her know you know she is hurting and don't blame her for her anger but hitting her mom is unacceptable.

You sound like an amazing person and I'm so happy they have you looking out for them.

Margaret54

Hi upset I am so sorry to hear about what is happening to your M.I.L Bless you as you sound so loving and caring, and I can understand how worried both you and your dh are about her. I am so glad she has you both. It really must be an awful situation for her, and I do feel for her. I do hope she comes to stay with you both and that you are able to get her to see her G.P You are in my thoughts xo Margaret
p.s I suffered awful abuse for so many years in the past and I know that a person can feel so downtrodden as another poster has already said, and depressed, and it can be terrifying to take that first step to accept help.xx

meritaten

the best advice I can think of to give you about getting a teen to open up to you is
treat them as an equal for starters - nothing worse to a teen than being talked down to.
DONT push matters!
try to work your concerns into the conversation naturally. and if she clams up - respect that!
try not to over-react to the outrageous things she may say (she will do it to test you)- dont appear shocked unless she is talking about things done to her! then a few 'OMGs' and 'BIITCh or 'Barstward' will make her feel you are on her side. and you will be wont you? because she will probably be able to smell insincerity a mile away.
above all - she has HER side of the story, so does your mil2b and fil2b. they may be completely different versions of the SAME truth! and for gawds sake dont let her discover this thread!!! delete your history on your computer as soon as you finish using it - because my bet is that she WILL snoop!
good luck!