To new beginnings. To the pursuit of...somethingness.

MrsMoo2U

Oh Dear Cheery, I was just about to write a long moaning post about how I really never, ever learn. I walked headlong into another dramatic situation in the car this morning by just simply saying one sentence in response to something that I didnt necessarily agree with.When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? Result..... Mr C got out of the car at work and flounced off, no goodbye, no see you later, nothing. I am beginning to think that it is me, I am certain that what I said was not in any way inflammatory but perhaps I have a habit of being so without realising. Then again maybe .......... no I wont even go there. Too much to contemplate.

Karmacat

Hugs, Cheri - I'm facing something similar - a lot less important - with an old friend, who I used to describe as my best friend - she's popular, but she's very critical of me. Do I say or act to inflame her? I wonder ...

MrsMoo2U

It is very strange KC, I am not an argumentative person. I have always been told that I am reasonable, positive, open minded and flexible. I just seem to be able to say the wrong thing all of the time just lately.

Cheery_Daff

oh cheri ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))) Does he have something going on that's bothering him at the minute? Mr Daffs is most argumentative when he's bothered about things. Is there something he hasn't told you about? Something he's spent, or broken? How does he feel about the Austria house?

(you don't need to answer all this here, by the way, just things to think about!)

Are you spending enough time together? We argue more when we don't spend much idling around time together - hence our regular 'sleepovers' and weekends away. Can you sit down and have a chat about things together?

Do hope you can figure something out xxx

Karmacat

Thats some useful feedback from Cheery! I had some feedback today from my lovely work-partner - he and I have issues over sense of humour - but over everything else, we're very similarly minded. He said he didn't see me contributing to the craziness the other day, and he was there the whole time. I was trying like mad to think of a way I might have got it all going, but he said not (and he's a psychotherapist, after all )

The one creating the problems (and I shall phrase it like that now) is overworking because she's trying to pay the mortgage... it may be as simple as that, plus Cheery's point that she's not spending enough time with her husband, because of ditto.

It does sound like its not you ... it also sounds like the two of you might need a "talking" weekend. I've more or less decided not to talk to this friend - I know what she's like at the best of times, she has a quip and a put down very ready, to break through that defensiveness would sadly be more trouble than its worth. I'll just let the relationship continue its slide to casual friends - we'll do very well with that.

But, as I said first off, your relationship with Mr C is a whole lot bigger than the one I'm referring to of mine ... I'm sorry to hijack, when you've got stuff going on, but it kind of sounded similar ... hope you find a way through really soon.

MrsMoo2U

Not hijacking at all KC. Both you and Cheery have excellent points. I do know what the issues are if I am honest with myself, I just dont seem to be able to find a way of handling them. Strange for me I am usually so good with people and knowing how to handle emotional situations.

Just posted a massive response to your points and lost the post! Guess that is the MSE gremlin saving me from myself.

EssexHebridean

Karmacat wrote: »

Hugs, Cheri - I'm facing something similar - a lot less important - with an old friend, who I used to describe as my best friend - she's popular, but she's very critical of me. Do I say or act to inflame her? I wonder ...

Interestingly I have had similar issues a couple of times - albeit in slightly different ways. 1) was a friend from school - we were friends at Infants school and then I moved away, not far, but far enough to change school. We met up again when we were both about 14 and spent our last few years of school at best pals - used to walk to and from together, hang out outside school, talk on the phone all the time, the lot. There were others who were part of the circle, but they were just that, part of a larger circle, whereas N and I were honest to goodness best mates. I left school at 16 while she stayed on - and followed the classic pattern of A levels, year out, University, Teacher training. She'd always been ambitious - even then her aim would have been to have been a head teacher one day - and she felt that others should have similarly high levels of ambition, which tended to lead her into making others feel a little inferior if they didn't share that. We stayed in very regular touch for 12 years after I left school and in that time I'd had various transient boyfriends and various less than career minded jobs. She on the other hand had had a long-term BF and had advanced in her career path to her planned position at that time. At each turn until I met MrEH it was always N who did things first, and best, and I who followed, often feeling second best, in her wake. Then I met Mr EH......N and I were still in touch exactly the same, but two years later when I sent her the invitation to our wedding - something which obviously she knew about and had professed to being delighted about, she responded with an acceptance and never showed up. I was extremely upset, but it wasn't until my Mum gently pointed out that she felt (and remember, she knew this girl very well) that N probably couldn't cope with me having done something "better" than her - it was a situation which had never occurred before and it took just that to put the friendship to the test it seems. I contacted her via Friends Reunited a while later to ask how she was, and what the reason was for her not having come along, and got a bland "everythings wonderful" type response. I haven't bothered since. The second occasion was a former best friend with whom the relationship had turned toxic without me even realising. I've summarised that on here before I think, but with hindsight I now realise that we are better off without contact. The thing that worried me more than anything else with that one was another extremely good mutual friend who I worried would feel she had to choose between us - thankfully that hasn't happened.

Basically, sometimes it's not "us" that are in the wrong, or are inflaming a situation, it's either the other person, or it's a combination of the two people involved which, for whatever reason no longer "fits" as it should, indicating that the relationship needs some attention. sometimes it is even simply the circumstance at the time that is wrong, and the same conversation in a different setting would be absolutely fine.

niccatw

cherisong wrote: »

I do know what the issues are if I am honest with myself, I just dont seem to be able to find a way of handling them. Strange for me I am usually so good with people and knowing how to handle emotional situations.

Just posted a massive response to your points and lost the post! Guess that is the MSE gremlin saving me from myself.

What I was going to say can probably best be summed up by EH's last paragraph there!

Sometimes our issues are not always just ours to handle and while we can control our own emotions to a certain extent, we can never be sure the effect that is having on others, or how they are controlling theirs.

Lot's of us here (I include myself in that; you've seen my rants about boss and supervisor on my diary! ) seem to be taking on the "blame" for other people's reactions. It's very hard to take a step back and let that person just react. It's probably even harder to be brave enough to ask about it after the event (for me anyway; I always worry that I shouldn't rock the boat. When pehaps sometimes I need to actually be shaking the boat like crazy!)

And sometimes it's even harder when you do have an idea what the issues are.

Just remember that we all make decisions at a point in time based on the information we have at that point in time and how we feel. So essentially we make the right decisions for ourselves at any given point in time. We can always change those decisons when we learn and feel differently - and that again will be the right decision at that time. But we need to learn not to beat ourselves up for that. (And I for one need to learn not to mentally beat up my supervisor for that .)

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”



“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

Both Jung quotes.

youareallhelpingme

Some excellent points from everyone. I read an article in an old magazine a few weeks back about how relationships change depending on where you are in your life so you can have very intense friendships that end up slipping away etc because your circumstances change, such as KC moving and find more independence in her new home may mean that she is no longer 2nd best (like Eh and her wedding)

It can feel like you cannot say or do anything right but like you say there may be factors you don't know about such as Mr Cs new job, maybe his dad is putting pressure on about a move abroad and guilt is kicking in. Who knows, just try and relax and see if he talks x

Karmacat

How fascinating! This is really interesting - Cheri, thank you for sharing and sparking it off