I need advice Ex husband messing with kids

Kimitatsu

Hi TC

So firstly - do you want to get divorced? If you do then serve papers on him, and get your solicitor to chase him to sign them. Because of the 2 year rule, its a no fault divorce so he has nothing to complain about. If he refuses then you can take it to court and the court can grant it anyway.

Why has he left it so long to arrange to see the children over new year? His solicitors are closed but they were not closed up until Christmas eve so he has had plenty of time to sort it out before now.

He wont get custody of the children because of his violent behaviour and it would now go to a CAFCASS officer who would take the opinions of the children very seriously.

Do the children still want to speak to him? If not then they dont have to and there is nothing he can do to make them. If it was me, then I would tell him not to ring until after the New Year as he has not made arrangements in time to see them and so he will have to wait until his solicitors is now open again. Keep a diary of the times he calls, what was said and all of the text messages that he has sent, that way if he ever does go for custody you can show what he has been doing.

I think the idea of the PAYG phone is a great one....I would do that tomorrow!

Chin up, he is just cage rattling.

nearlyrich

I don't agree with getting the children involved in the bickering to be honest...he is being an idiot he has alienated the older child it's only a matter of time before he does the same for the younger two. I saw a similar situation with my ex when the children were young, his bully boy tactics and messing them about was his way of still tryng to be in control. I never said a bad word about him to my children but they knew who was the reliable parent. It is not fair fro him to be telling the children that mummy won't let him see them, a friend of mine also went through it.

I really hope that the op's ex sees sense but once a bully they don't ususally change.

pupsicola

It would amaze me if his fiance is happy about him still being married to you considering they are now engaged. I was also a bit surprised that he was shouting abuse down the phone at you to impress her. What kind of woman would see that as okay? He sounds ghastly.

The way he is treating you and the children is appalling. He isn't giving consideration to the childrens feelings or to your feelings and plans. You are not a puppet on a string that he can play around and mess with as it suits him.

It is only you who can make him understand this. Speak with your solicitor in the new year and make sure it is very clear to your ex that you will take no more of his nonsense. Someone like him will enjoy making your life a misery for years otherwise.

pupsicola

Tropez wrote: »

Even if his phone calls aren't violent or threatening in nature the Telecommunications Act 1984 and the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 make what he is doing a criminal offence. It is illegal to harass somebody over the phone, no matter what the context of the phone call itself, and any verbal actions that could be considered abusive or aggressive are forbidden by these acts. Furthermore, you have the legal right to tell him not to contact you by phone anymore for any reason you desire (if your mobile offers a record call function this would be the time to use it) and if he does so then this is also a breach of the Telecommunications Act.

By feeling as if you have to block his numbers from calling your landline you would also be showing quite a clear case to the police, should you decide to inform them of the situation, that you feel that you are being harassed.

I would seriously consider opening a case with the police simply because if the situation escalates they will already have information on record and may be able to offer a quicker response or more protection for you and your family.

I completely agree with this. I was eventually persuaded to go to the police and report my ex-husband. They took me extremely seriously, put me at their highest level of risk and put the house on immediate response. I informed him that I had done this and that any further harrassement or verbal abuse and it would be reported. He backed right down. People who bully are fundamentally weak and once they meet their match they give up. It also helped greatly with the divorce case which from start to finish took 15 weeks. Best thing I ever did. You dont need his permission to get divorced. Start proceedings yourself

clearingout

pupsicola wrote: »

It would amaze me if his fiance is happy about him still being married to you considering they are now engaged. I was also a bit surprised that he was shouting abuse down the phone at you to impress her. What kind of woman would see that as okay? He sounds ghastly.

I think you'd be amazed just how many women are prepared to stand by a man who is abusive towards his ex. In fact, the more abusive the better. Makes them feel secure. My ex's girlfriend (woman he left me for) was quite happy to stand by whilst he pushed a car door into my pregnant stomach (it was/is his baby - fighting me through court for residency of our other children!) and we had a lovely incident where I caught the pair of them in a car park, parked behind me, with my car door open (he still had a key) and instead of being embaressed at getting caught out, they did what I can only describe as humilliate, torment and ridicule simply by laughing at me (and ex's 7 week old baby I was holding). Took me nearly 2 hours to stop shaking!

Not a relationship I'd like to be in, but obviously works for some people!

OP - I hope you get this sorted for the sake of the children. It's a mess. Involving the police would probably be a good start - sends a message that you won't tolerate it.

pupsicola

Does it not occur to these women that they will be treated exactly the same way a few months/years down the line? I am so sorry for all you have been through.

clearingout

I think the issue is that we inherently feel we are 'different' and that the ex must have done something dreadful to deserve such treatment so it's OK to turn a blind eye ('he would never treat ME like that')....logic dictates otherwise but love and rose tinted spectacles do seem to go together.

OP - for whatever comfort it doens't really bring you, at least you know you're not alone!

Blackpool_Saver

pupsicola wrote: »

I was eventually persuaded to go to the police and report my ex-husband. They took me extremely seriously, put me at their highest level of risk and put the house on immediate response. I informed him that I had done this and that any further harrassement or verbal abuse and it would be reported. He backed right down. People who bully are fundamentally weak and once they meet their match they give up. It also helped greatly with the divorce case which from start to finish took 15 weeks. Best thing I ever did. You dont need his permission to get divorced. Start proceedings yourself

If I had my time over again this is also what i would do.

esmf73

Hi OP,

Firstly what I would do is to take advantage of the offers on at present and get a cheap PAYG mobile - as another poster suggested. Great idea - you can keep it turned on, but you can decide whether or not to answer it.

Secondly - have you thought about contacting the Families Officer / Army Families Federation / SSAFA? As you haven't divorced you are still legally married and are entitled to these facilities!!! My OH is in the army - if you want to PM me anytime, please do. If I can help or suggest anything then I will along these lines.

As a Staff Sgt his bosses normally will be a Warrent Officer. Not the Commanding Officer, OC in charge of his unit / platoon or anything like that. The Families Officer (not clerk - don't be fobbed off!!) usually has a lot of sway with the CO as Families and their welfare are his concern. Go higher up his food chain - if he is behaving this way with you there is a chance that he might be bullying people lower down his food chain - privates / corporals etc.

Ask the children what they think of his behaviour and what happens when they are with him - just pleasently, not like an inquisition. Feel free to PM me. xxx

paddy's_mum

As hard as it may be to deliberately let the children hear all of this 'dirty laundry', and as damaging as it probably is to be caught in the adult cross-fire, it might still end up being the wisest move to either allow or engineer precisely that situation.

As it stands now, it is not possible to protect them from all the carp which he is injecting into their home life. Therefore it strikes me that the sooner these children are shown what a "male genital" (:D) their father is, the sooner they will discount and reject everything that involves him. It would, in effect, help to armour the children against him and perhaps, given the circumstances, that would be no bad thing, on the basis that knowledge is strength.

The man is an utter fool - keep on long enough and there won't be any need for him to contact them since they will have rejected him completely ... and all by his own doing!

One wonders how long before the new lady is rudely awakened. If Mr Plonker can behave like this (within her hearing, ye gods!) to his own children, what on earth will things be like for children not his own when the shine has gone off the latest bauble?