I need advice Ex husband messing with kids

travelchick

HI

I know it seems daft posting this on here but I really need some advice.

I have been seperated from my husband for 3 years and even though he is engaged he is refusing to give me a divorce? Im single so it doesnt bother me to be honest but its just part of his very controling weird behalvour which at the moment it spiralling out of control and to be honest is starting to scare me, he has been violent in the past (during our split but not in the marriage)

My husband is being an idiot over seeing his kids, he wants to see them until he makes plans to go out with his fiance or or her children are visiting then he will return them a few days early without notice. Or will refuse to bring them back home on the agreed time, suddenly demanding i drive to his fiance house to get them (this is over an hours drive away, and leads to him shouting abuse to impress his fiance!)

Well I snapped and said that all visits must be pre-arranged and in writing via his sol which means that he has no need to contact me other than to speak to the children. This has worked until organising the new year as his sol have been closed.
My ex is in the army and has been away for 5 weeks, in that time he phoned them once, he kicked off he wanted them for xmas but I said that they where staying with me, however I offered him 27th of dec to 2nd of jan.

This was fine till he made plans to go out drinking and said (on the 27th) that he was going to bring them back on new years eve at 4pm and collect them new years day at 12pm! I told him that Im mum not a babysitting service and either he has them for the duration or I will keep them, my plans are family friendly but not local and i cant drive back 6 hours on new years eve!
Its cause runctions no end and he has told me to !!!!!! off then and have the kids for new year. WHICH I am now doing, however he has once again changed him mind and now phoning every day demanding i take the kids to him and agree to his plans which is rediculas, His messages are abusive full of threats on how he will get the kids taken off me, how he is cancelling the CSA direct debit, how he has nothing to lose and wont stop till he ruins my life ect, I am not worried he is in the army so wont get custerdy, if he cancel CSA they will garnish his wages so I know his threats are just tantrums BUTTTTTTT
its the kids he normally phones once every week to chat to them, since he has been calling to threaten me with everything he is phoning twice a day, but all he does is tell them how mean mum is how he is trying to see them but that I wont let him come and get them? (he is still refusing to actually have them just tells them he wants them)
yesterday he called to speak to them and I was driving, so I made them call him back and say hello, and it took me ages to calm kids down from all his lies after the call.
This morning not even 24 hours later he is calling again this time I ignored the call and he left another nasty message of custerdy battles ect.
BUT WHAT DO I DO????
If I let the kids chat to him he messes with their head in the worst kind of way, tells them mummy is driving them to visit him later (even though he doesnt want to see them) and that mummy is keeping them apart, and how they are going to have to live with him and his fiance soon and change schools. They are 14, 9 and 7 (the 14 year old wont speak to or visit him anymore)

My mothers instinct says that to do this to them everyday is nasty and to much to put them through, BUT on the other side he is their dad and its their right to chat to him.
But what do I do? do I protect them from his rants until such time he is calm and acting like a normal dad, or risk a court order being issues based on his lies?

Please dont tell me I need a sol I cant afford onethe marriage left me in a lot of debt which im already struggling with and im not eligable for legal aid, the free legal advice of 30 mins that you get, doesnt actually give you any help its just a fast way of trying to book you in.

IM SORRY THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOO LONG but i really am at a loss on what the best thing to do is?
any help would be greatfully recieved

xxxxx

Tropez

Are the police aware that he is making threats and leaving abusive messages on your answer machine? Even if he has no intent to carry out any of his threats I would be inclined to let the police know what is going on because he is committing a criminal offence. You may even consider a restraining order, keeping the abusive messages to use as evidence. As you cannot afford a solicitor then you should visit the local Citizens Advice Bureau to see exactly what your options are. He may not necessarily come near you much but it wouldn't hurt to have that extra protection. The more that the courts and the police are aware of his behaviour to you, the more power you will have over him as he will find himself being torn apart in any custody battle and may even be considered too dangerous for his children to spend any time with him.

I'm sorry, just because he is their dad doesn't mean he has a right to chat to them in my eyes. He has a right to act like a father but right now he is acting like an unhinged, potentially dangerous, manipulative and emotionally abusive individual whom the children are better off not knowing.

chatnoir

If you have physical evidence of the things he says to your children then I would just stop all contact, even phone calls. Next time he calls just tell him that until he changes his bahaviour in regards to telling the children lies about you he will not be able to speak to them. Then let him instruct a SOL...chances are its all talk and he may actualy calm down.
Or better yet if he is Army, get in touch with his commanding officer and tell him/her whats going on...think someone on here did that before and it worked!

travelchick

Thank Topaz you for your reply, I was waiting for lots of dads telling me that he has the right to chat to them all the time, its hard as ive never stopped visits or calls but its got beyond a joke!
His threats are not of violence towards me just ranting how he will get the kids and stop csa ect, its just towards the end of our marriage he did get violent and I am worried he is going to lose it again soon.
I have had to block both him and his fiance's home and mobile numbers from my landline as he used to call at all hours, but have left him my mobile as a contact for emergancies.

I dont think I can get an injunction as he doesnt threaten me directly just very aggressive in his tone (if that makes sense?)

But thank you I dont feel as mean keeping him off the phone while he is being like this xxx

travelchick

Hi chat noir,

Thanks his is a staffy in the army and is a good drinking buddy with his bosses so it gets swept to one side, I tried it before so although the MOD Police are great reporting him direct sadly fails :-(

But im glad that rasional people are agreeing that its not his right to speak to the kids and fill their heads with his rants

duchy

What does the 14 year old say to their younger siblings about it all out of interest ?

Quite honestly if he knew when his leave was for Christmas then he had plenty of time to make arrangements in advance anyway. I don't really know much about how the army works but don't they have a welfare department who may be able to mediate ? I seem to remember a friend going this route. I'd definitely report his behaviour to the police and get their advice-and then I'd use those reports as evidence in divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour or just use adultry as he has a girlfriend instead of passively waiting for him to divorce you. You don't need a solicitor to divorce him and the clerks at the court will help you with the forms. Give him a clear message that now you are apart he can't bully you. Harassment is illegal and you have the right to take legal steps to get it stopped.

It doesn't matter what other people here think-it's what you and your kids want and need that matters.

Tropez

travelchick wrote: »

Thank Topaz you for your reply, I was waiting for lots of dads telling me that he has the right to chat to them all the time, its hard as ive never stopped visits or calls but its got beyond a joke!
His threats are not of violence towards me just ranting how he will get the kids and stop csa ect, its just towards the end of our marriage he did get violent and I am worried he is going to lose it again soon.
I have had to block both him and his fiance's home and mobile numbers from my landline as he used to call at all hours, but have left him my mobile as a contact for emergancies.

I dont think I can get an injunction as he doesnt threaten me directly just very aggressive in his tone (if that makes sense?)

But thank you I dont feel as mean keeping him off the phone while he is being like this xxx

Even if his phone calls aren't violent or threatening in nature the Telecommunications Act 1984 and the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 make what he is doing a criminal offence. It is illegal to harass somebody over the phone, no matter what the context of the phone call itself, and any verbal actions that could be considered abusive or aggressive are forbidden by these acts. Furthermore, you have the legal right to tell him not to contact you by phone anymore for any reason you desire (if your mobile offers a record call function this would be the time to use it) and if he does so then this is also a breach of the Telecommunications Act.

By feeling as if you have to block his numbers from calling your landline you would also be showing quite a clear case to the police, should you decide to inform them of the situation, that you feel that you are being harassed.

I would seriously consider opening a case with the police simply because if the situation escalates they will already have information on record and may be able to offer a quicker response or more protection for you and your family.

Fang_3

You can't afford not to have a solicitor with this. Sorry.

kay74

What I was advised to do was get a new (cheap) PAYG phone and tel him you've changed your number - give him the new one. Then everything he texts / answermachines is saved on the one place, and it doesn't upset you every time your phone goes, thinking it may be him. Then block him on existing phones so you are in control of how he contacts you. I turn mine off unless ex has child - i reckon this is the onlytime he needs to contact me immediately in case something goes wrong. All other calls are returned on my terms. Was same situation - he's police, makes it harder. I know loads of people will tell you to stick to all arrangements through solicitor, but know it's really hard as it's your children he's hurting. They'll learn in time everything you've done for them, and how he really is, but it's such a hard time for you just now, espec over Christmas. Good luck, and know that at least you're always doing the right thing by your children.

gonzo127

travelchick wrote: »

If I let the kids chat to him he messes with their head in the worst kind of way, tells them mummy is driving them to visit him later (even though he doesnt want to see them) and that mummy is keeping them apart,

although this is possibily not very helpful this bit just jumped out at my somewhat childish side, as a way to protect yourself in your childrens eye's

basically if he does this again, when the children tell you about it, make sure to phone him back on speaker phone (so the kids can hear) saying that the kids have told you that you are going to be dropping them off to visit that night so what time do you want me to drop them off and what time is he going to bring that back the next day? - basically call his bluff (if you could possibly take them if he does decide to go through with it of course) so he is the one to back down - as i said somewhat childish

other than this i do agree that getting a record with the police is a good idea, even if things do settle down it is always a wise move to have at least some protection in place if it starts to get worse, especially when kids are involved.

and to be honest i would be surprised if any dads (and i am one myself) started having a go at your about this, as from what you have stated this guy is acting like a 'male genital' and trying to use the children as weapons against you, and no self respecting parent, be them mum or dad, should ever use their children in that way

lilac_lady

If you've been separated for 3 years why don't you divorce him?