I need advice Ex husband messing with kids

pupsicola

When you next speak to your solicitor be wary if they suggest arranging supervised contact for your ex. Something they may well do if you tell them about how out of order he is being.

For a while my ex saw the kids on a supervised visit at a local church near us. My solicitor set it all up. The idea was that once a month I would drop the kids off, the nice people who ran it took them through to their dad and then bought them out to me at the end. I didn't have to see him at all or have any other contact with him.

At first I thought this would be a good idea. However there were maybe 20+ families meeting at the same time. Mums or dads would often be in tears because kids didn't turn up or vice versa.

Without being judgemental as I dont know the personal historys of these people, the atmosphere was not always pleasant. My then 6 year old said he didn't always feel safe. These adults are there for a reason, unable to see their kids any other way.

My kids refused to go in the end and the ex didn't pursue it. Just make sure that any future agreements about access for the ex are fully explained to you as to what it is like.

paddy's_mum

Just to be sure that I had covered all the bases, I'd be inclined to send the tape containing the abusive messages, along with a typed transcript, to your husband's solicitor.

It may be that the solicitor will have wit or courage enough to point out to him that he is a/ committing criminal offences and b/ damaging any chance he may have of convincing a judge that contact should continue should you (justifiably) decide to stop access.

And the best bit of all is that your estranged husband will be paying the bill for the solicitor's bawling out! Good luck.

pupsicola

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Just to be sure that I had covered all the bases, I'd be inclined to send the tape containing the abusive messages, along with a typed transcript, to your husband's solicitor.

It may be that the solicitor will have wit or courage enough to point out to him that he is a/ committing criminal offences and b/ damaging any chance he may have of convincing a judge that contact should continue should you (justifiably) decide to stop access.

And the best bit of all is that your estranged husband will be paying the bill for the solicitor's bawling out! Good luck.

Very good point

chocdonuty

Next time he calls tell him that he is entitled to call the children (It's up to you whether you want him to call anytime or set a limit, say between 5-7pm) BUT he must not get abusive or belittle you, if he does then the call will end and the phone switched off for at least 30 mins. I did this with my ex, sort of like training a dog but it worked!

samm1551

OP. I was in the very same situation. In the end it got so bad that I reported him to the Police. They noted every call and text from the exh on my mobile phone and then contacted his local constabulary as he was a different district to me. His local constabulary arrested him and formally cautioned him for harrassment and they arranged an anti molestation order (ie he was not allowed to contact me).

I have subsequently had to take him to court for a separate issue (removal from jurisdiction as my husband is a Soldier - albeit a nice one ) and due to his behaviour prior to, and during, the case he was stopped from having any contact at all with our son and then when a contact order was put into place it stated that he had to put any proposed contact details in writing, via email, at least one calender month before the event. This was specifically to protect me from his harrassment as he is a nasty piece of work. So far (nearly 2 years on) it has worked OK. I have had a couple of problems where he has threatened to take me to court, but I know I am in the right so have ignored him.

I hope it resolves itself for you soon, it is a thoroughly miserable state of affairs.

Me xx

travelchick

Wow what can I say
Thank you soooooooo much I logged on and found all your wonderful advice so many useful hints I cant thank you all enough, its enough to know that others have survived this and that in the end it gets better, because at the moment it really feels like its going to last forever :-(

I will be getting a PAYG number thats a fantastic idea be good to turn it off until such time as i can deal with him, and as one poster said " Training a puppy" lol

A few people have suggested divorcing him, Ive filed for divorce twice now and he has ignored the application which meant I would have to wait 5 years for a divorce! (3 done so far LOL) however a couple of months ago he filed for divorce as he got engaged BUT then he put that it was based on me having an affair and being abusive to him (he cheated and I have phonebills hotel reciepts ect to proove it) I have declined this as I never cheated, however I replined offering a consent to divorce (which means we both sign and divorce is sorted) I offered this as I didnt see the point in dragging up the affairs and violence after 3 years as finacially it changes nothing to me,
HE declined, Ive spoke to his fiance and said that if he agrees to the consent we can be divorced in uder 6 months AND it will save him about £3000 in all the fees of fighting this silly game which would look nice in their wedding fund!, she spoke to him and called me back as said no he wants the long messy rejected divorce? ( SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL NEEDS ABOUT HER!! cause I would be jumping all over my fiance!)

However I have made the application to the court to have his petition rejected and that the consent to divorce form be inforced, as the min he made his petition to divorce the court he can no longer ignore my request for a divorce as he made it clear to the courts that he also agrees the marriage is over. this means that the judge can now allow me to get the divorce without his consent :-)

I guess as you can see he just wants to play silly !!!!!!s every step of the way, its almost like he cant cope without having me in his life?
I have always been fair letting him see the kids whenever he wanted, When he was in afghan his fiance missed the kids so i took them down and let her have them for the day to catch up, I used to right him letters they whernt personal just the childs name and all they had been upo with photos ect, always wished him well but that was it.
Then his fiance called me up saying the he told her i was sending begging letters to him trying to fix our marriage?? someone had been sending begging letters but it wasnt me, so i gave her the letters he sent to me!!! she forgave him (she is a proper doormat its sad)

He hasnt called today, he phone last night and my teenage daughter answered and said that the little ones where out (which they was) he waffled to her then she started shouting, he had told her that he had been shopping that day and got her an xmas gift, she got very upset and said that she was pretty sure the finaces kids got their gofts xmas day and not in the sale!! the he told her that he wanted to see her but I was preventing the visits, to which she shouted at him that he was a liar and that she had seen and heard the messages and that she hopes he has a !!! year and that everything in his life fails and hung up LOL

He hasnt called again, I will let the little ones phone him just before midnight but thats for them not him!

Thank you also to the dads on here who also agreed that your dads no matter what the reson the parents are apart, it takes a man to put his children before his anger!

I just cant thank you all enough, I shall start my new year to know that strangers agree that this is beyond a joke now!

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL OF YOU

XXX

BitterAndTwisted

travelchick wrote: »

He phoned last night and my teenage daughter answered and said that the little ones were out (which they were) he waffled to her then she started shouting, he had told her that he had been shopping that day and got her an xmas gift, she got very upset and said that she was pretty sure the fiancee's kids got their gifts on Xmas day and not in the sale!!

Then he told her that he wanted to see her but I was preventing the visits, to which she shouted at him that he was a liar and that she had seen and heard the messages and that she hopes he has a !!! year and that everything in his life fails and hung up LOL

Do you know, I rather like the sound of your daughter. She seems to understand quite well what he's up to and I don't suppose for one moment that she's keeping these thoughts from her siblings either. I think it's clear that you don't have to explain anything to the younger children as I daresay they will have the measure of him ere long.

Messrs_Arthur_and_Terry

I'd be asking the ex whether he wants to be a father who fills his kids heads with enthusiasm for life, or if he is happy to poison their futures. He probably needs to be reminded that you were good enough for him and white anting you reflects on his poor life choices. The longer the festering wound the more tenuous the paternal bonding.

If you are baiting him you need to stop. If you are countering his fantastic tales with your own, you need to stop. Kids are pretty clever at spotting BS so long as the waters aren't muddied too much. Your daughter is already putting two and two together and is at an age where her words will wound him into a rethink.

travelchick

My daughters pretty smart, she used to be daddys girl but she caught her dad and my best mate kissing and realised why my ex and I split, since then she hasnt got to much time for him.
He tried to convince her that our marriage failed because I was an internet prostitute SERIOUSLY he recently put in in writting via his sol, and I think my daughter just wont forgive him for saying something like that about her mum, and at 14 teenage girls can hold a grudge more than the avarage person lol
I have encouraged her to maintain contact with him, I have tried to be fair and say that although dad cheated on me, he didnt cheat on her and that he is still her dad even though not such a great husband, dont get me wrong I hate him and would love the kids to see him for the git he is BUT I want my kids to grow into well balanced loving adults and wouldnt ever want them dragged down by my baggage.

I think years ago I used to bait him as it wound him up but it got boring really fast and to be fair I just moved on and got other things in my life which made him seem less important.
He wants the kids to live with him and his fiance so fills their head with mummy said mummy did, along side promises of a much more wonderful life with him. The problem is he is in the army and away 6/8 months of the year in his job so a judge will never consider taking the kids off me to hand them to him, he has told them that his fiance will make a better mum and the judge will see that, I get bored as the kids come home saying daddy says we are gonna live with him change schools ect, I have told him to stop this and that the only time we should have this chat is when a judge tells us what he thinks!!
I have told the children that as daddy works away so much that they have to liv with mum but they can see dad whenever he is not working, I have explained that sometimes parents argue as they love them so much they want them to live with them so the judge has to decide, I have told them that daddy must love them very much to want them to live with him, but that until a judge says otherwise they will stay at home.
What else can I say?????

pupsicola

Is your ex suffering from some kind of post traumatic stress problem. I noticed you said he was in the forces and had been to Afghanistan. Only he doesn't seem to understand the very basics of relating to people and acting normally. Not making excuses for him, it just crossed my mind.

You are gradually sounding stronger from when you first started posting which is nice to see. My ex was going to get funny about agreeing to a divorce. God only knows why as he had made it so clear that he no longer wanted or loved me. He once said though that if I ever got involved with anyone else it would drive him crazy. Soon told him where he could stick that idea. As you say it is a control thing.