Buyers are camped in our garden over Christmas

surrey_jim

am loving this thread. Still waiting for photos of motor home/ house on right move so can visualise it better

Shalva

what a great thread.......don't keep us waiting to long for the next installment.........

furndire

The only thing that puzzles me, is it a camper the clampetts are in, or a caravan.

surrey_jim

furndire wrote: »

The only thing that puzzles me, is it a camper the clampetts are in, or a caravan.

camper van. OP said earlier on that their 'home' had to go everywhere with them

thejonesfamily

thejonesfamily wrote: »

Good morning - i type this with a heavy head. The blue nun and babycham went down to well last night, especially after the Clampetts had to be dragged out back to their caravan.

So as I left you, they were walking up the drive. Well, they came in early to use the loo which was fine. At this rather last min do, we had my mum and dad (who are very laid back) and her mum and dad. As I have mentioned, her mum and dad are devout Catholics. Her mum wears pencil pleat skirts and tidy blouses and her father always wears an M&S suit. In fact, if a burglar went into their home at 3am, we would still put on the suit to go downstairs.

So the first hour went alright. The clampetts were a bit tanked up when they got here and they contributed half a bottle of port which I realised was my Tawny out of the cupboard ( i didnt see them take it the other night).

However, at 11.30pm, the mother in law decided to go on the hunt for a bottle opener and unfamiliar with the kitchen went through a number of drawers. As you can imagine our horror, Mrs Head pulls out the Joy of Sex book Mrs J tucked away and was staring at in in horror. To make matters worse,Mrs Clampett who was two sheets to the wind, went in and saw Mrs Catholic looking at the book and said (to the most formal people you could meet) "With 7 children, you must know that book off by heart" "Your son in law is very meticulous - have you seen his notes"

Well after earwigging that from the dining area, I had to send Mrs J to retrieve and put the book in the bin, telling her Mum that it was something we found in the loft from the previous owners when clearing it out. To say they were reserved all night after that was something else. My parents thought it was hilarious and got a bit friendly with the Clampetts, so much so that Mrs C decided to mention the terrible 2010 and his "affair". This resulted in quite a feroucious an argument between the Clampetts so much so that we missed Big Ben at 12am and were trying to manage the situation.

We felt for Mr Clampett, his wife has a terrible mouth on her. She started belittling his bedroom technique and says their marriage has only lasted so long thanks to Viagra, to which he retorted and this is unforgivable

"I didn't need viagra with Maryanne" (the doctors wife whom he had the affair with).


After that comment she threw her Snowball drink at him and walked out. I took Mr C on a dog walk to try and calm him down and to try and talk sense. He explained on the walk round that Maryanne made him feel young and the reason they got to know each other was when%

he had to keep going to the GP to get his prescription for Viagra. She leaned over the desk one day and whispered in his ear "you wont need Viagra with me..." He told me with a glint in his eye "that Viagra was the NHS solution wheras Maryanne was Bupa"

So New Years is almost over and what another day it has been.

The in laws stayed for dinner and whilst they are nigh on tee totals had the pleasure of the clampetts for dinner. To say it was a disaster was selling it short.

So when I came back from the dog walk with Mr C in the early hours, I led him back to his caravan. She let him back in amazingly and I went back in doors to pacify her in laws and try and save my own marriage

About 1.30am it would have been, I was in the bathroom preening and Mrs J was in bed "ready to see in the New Year with Big Ben". Anyway, we were probably at first base when the door went downstairs (there is a reson people have it off with the lights firmly off)

So I put on Mrs Js nighty, staggered a bit down the stairs and opened the door. Mrs C came in and decreed that she cannot spend the night with "that man" and would we put her up. I explained the air bed was being Catholicised but she was welcome to the sofa. We havent any spare bedding and she said she woulod rather sleep cold than go back in there.

So I went back to bed, Mrs J and I decided the moment had passed and I settled down with my Alan Sugar book whilst Mrs J dropped off. Just as I was about to turn the light off, Mr C was banging at the door, to which I upset him by opening the window and telling him to go to bed and things would be better in the morning.

Anyway she let him in and I had to hear wailing and sobbing all night. Poor Mr C. They both left about an hour or so later and went back to the caravan.

So this morning I wake feeling like I havent slept.

I didnt see the Clampetts until I drove back from the shop at 1pm. I had to nip out for some more cigarettes and a pack of Aunt Bessies which Mrs J lovingly heats for 4 minutes and presents as her own.

So the 4 of us and the dog are just tucking into a joint when thedoor goes. It is Mrs C. She is asking for a roasting pan as it turns out she hasnt washed the one up from Xmas and the "fat has welded itself" She also asked if we had a spare potato so we just went the whole hog and invited them for dinner.

Firstly, I forgot that Mr and Mrs C havent showered in a few days and boy could we all smell it. It reminded me of shared dorms on the french school trip.

The in laws were a bit to blame for the conversation that ensued. Being Catholics they take marriage seriously and proceeded to lecture the Clampetts about the sancitiy of marriage. I tried to kick Mrs J under the table to get her to change the subject and managed to kick the dog.

Mrs Clampett then turned round and said that she wasnt to blame for the affair and that some women were floosies. This upset MIL who then suggested Devon was a little on the inbred side, to which Mr Clampett rose to his feet and said there was nothing in bred about Devon and if you want to talk about Inbreeding, the catholic priests dont even look far from the vestry,... (you get the picture)

Mrs J then got up to ask Mr C to respect the house as they are guests. !!!!!! got up and asked Mr C to leave, Mrs C then took offence and told the in laws that in a few days this would be there house and that as we they had not exchanged they should be respected as a change of mind could ruin their daughters plans.

It was with that comment, I threw them out of the house and shouted a reminder at them of the things we have done for them and I shouldnt have delivered this line

"you are like having the bleeding Steptoes in our yard"

So from that moment on this afternoon, or curtains have been drawn and the dog has been crossing its legs. What a blinking disaster,

Thankfully tomorrow we are in London all day (leaving early and arriving back late) so we wont have to see them

The in laws got a bit upset and could not believe how rude strangers can be and not all catholic priests were bad.

So there we have it, the first day of 2011 and our house plans look shakey,

Mama_G_3

Oh My! How RUDE are the Clampetts becoming after everything you have done for them! I hope everything goes well on Tuesday and they don't back out!

john539

I was in the bathroom preening and Mrs J was in bed "ready to see in the New Year with Big Ben". :T :rotfl:

joolsybools

That was just the giggle I needed after today's shi ite day

thejonesfamily

I wasnt going to update given nothing was due to happen, but the camper has disappeared overnight. More worryingly is that neither of us heard it leave...

So if anyone sees a White VW Camper "Barry Bound" let us know.

Anyway, I am sure they have just popped to the shop to buy me a birthdaycard and huge present.

Off to London now. If anyone is going to the Maze restaurant at 1.30pm or perhaps seeing Ghost Stories at 5.30pm, I may see you all there

Have a great day peeps.

surrey_jim

Thought he had been banned from driving and she couldn't drive?