New to the board...shakily posting on behalf of broken mum

LJD1_2

Sorry I can't be of much help. I've gone through all this with my mum who also won't tell my dad. She's gone back to sticking her head in the sand though. I contacted the CAB who were fabulous. My mum wouldn't go and see them in the end but they were so good and made me realise I can't take responsibility for all of this. Best wishes with it all xx

Xbigman

OK, well there looks to be a lot of equity in the house, enough to make bankruptcy less of an option. It also makes an IVA less appealing too. Part of the IVA process is to release equity from any property owned and I suspect the IVA practitioner would want an awfull lot of equity released, enough that the way out is to just pay the debt anyway, even with a consolidation loan (shudder).

I think the downsizing option is still worth considering as it would be the least painfull. Maybe an over 50's retirement flat would work.

Pensions are not an issue as my main concern was that your parents might rely on the pension credit. As they might well be paying the debt off in retirement they should get an up to date pension forcast to see where they are.

If you want to go the DMP route I think you want to look at a situation where your dads income is what they live on and your mums entire income goes to debt clearance. Would that work from your dads point of view?

Next step is CCCS.
Regards



X

Lizbetty

LJD1 wrote:

Sorry I can't be of much help. I've gone through all this with my mum who also won't tell my dad. She's gone back to sticking her head in the sand though. I contacted the CAB who were fabulous. My mum wouldn't go and see them in the end but they were so good and made me realise I can't take responsibility for all of this. Best wishes with it all xx

I really do feel for you having to deal with it on your own. My mum's similar to yours in that she can't bring herself to think about it and so the easiest option is to bury her head - you can actually see the sickness in her face when I mention it to her, so I partly feel responsible for it bringing her down as I keep having to mention it to get her moving along to sort things out.

The worst thing is, I know the majority of the money has gone towards 'things' for me and my sister which we never really appreciated, like the odd bit of shopping and ridiculously huge numbers of christmas presents over the years. I just wish I could have known then what I know now - I'd've marched her back with the receipts!!! Ironically it started when she started working, I think she wanted to 'make up' for us being skint before. Not that I noticed we were before she started working (you don't when you're 7 and it's the early 80's, pre-labels I guess!), but I suppose we must've been!

The big news is that she went to a family friend's funeral today (died at 55)and it spurred her on, she's told my dad!!! She just rang me to tell me. She told him she had a bottle of tablets and she could take the lot if that'd help, I guess with that and the funeral it made him realise that it's not important, which he actually said. Then he went to bed. So I guess we're all holding our breath for when he wakes up now.

Had a discussion with mum about the equity situation with the house, it's something that we really need advice on as it seems to be the main issue seeing as none of the loans are secured. Does anyone know, would they force my mum to work on after retirement to repay her loans? I wondered if that would still be the case with an IVA? It turns out her official retirement date is 2 years next April (gulp!) so we have even less time than we thought, though she's already planning working as long as she can to offer the loan/credit card companies as much money back as possible.

I know that she's not keen on selling up, but I will keep on about downsizing, though not sure if she switches off when I mention it..

Thanks again, everyone. I can't tell you what a relief it is to be able to 'talk' freely about it!!!
Lucy

LJD1_2

I'm so pleased to hear that she's told your dad. That's got to help as now you can all talk about it freely. I know what you mean about feeling guilty about talking about it. Everytime I mention it to my mum the life just seems to drain out of her. If anything, it makes me so determined to never, ever, ever get in this position. They should be enjoying themselves now rather than worrying themselves like this. I really hope you all get everything sorted as soon as humanly possible. Take care xx

cathybird

blimey, what a tough situation for you and your parents. I guess the best thing about it is your mum's sat down and worked the extent of her debt out and has acknowledged to herself, to you & to your dad that she's got to deal with it somehow. She could have not done that and be ignoring it still, so it's start. Best of luck, she's lucky to have you on side.

Lizbetty

LJD1 wrote:

Everytime I mention it to my mum the life just seems to drain out of her. If anything, it makes me so determined to never, ever, ever get in this position. They should be enjoying themselves now rather than worrying themselves like this.

I know that look all too well. I'm tight as a duck's bum because of knowing about my mum's worries over the years, I've only recently got a credit card (to stick the insurance on, 0% natch!) thanks to this website guiding me! I was scared that it would just spiral out of control if I had one. People do think I'm obsessed, but since I gave up work to look after my daughter in June last year and now daughter no 2 is due, I think I'm more aware than ever about money and trying to make it last. I'm probably better off now than when I was working (not that I'm well off at all, lol) as I daren't spend it!!! If I do, it has to be through Quidco after I've got it down to the bare minimum...

I really hope your mum manages to come to terms with stuff soon - maybe tell her about my mum, I'm sure there aren't many situations worse when it comes to figures!! It's the worst thing in the world when it's your mum, innit - she keeps saying she's let us all down, etc, etc, and whipping herself about it, which makes me feel really bad, too. I spoke to dad last night and he's pretty philosophical about it (at the moment, thank god) - he said he bailed her out once already when his dad died over 15 years ago, he gave her £12/15k (inheritance) and thought that was that, all paid up. When you think she's had another £20k from the recent remortgage and she's STILL £63k in debt that's some going over the years. Luckily, she refused to tell dad the amount at first, so he said he thought it was £100/150k because she was shaking so much when she told him, so it was a relief for him when she said £63k, iyswim!!!

The phone calls have started from the foreign call centres to find out why they've only got £1.00 this month, mum still can't bring herself to speak to anyone so we're having to send off authorisations for me to speak to them, I think she'd probably just pay the ones who are the most aggressive which I guess isn't the right way to do it. I must admit to having a bit of a confidence crisis myself at the mo, so I'm not relishing dealing with the calls. Bit late now seeing as a lot of them now have my phone number as first port of call!! Does anyone know the line I should be giving them to stop them ringing, by any chance? Hoping my dad doesn't get any as I know what line he'll use, and I doubt it'll help matters....:o

spaghetti_monster

Hi there!
Sorry, not really an expert on these matters but I think I read on another thread that it's best to communicate in writing - I guess you have a complete record of what's gone on.

Sorry can't be more help, but also wanted to wish you all the best in this difficult situation

Alex x

Lizbetty

Thanks for that, Alex. I'm glad that's the case - it's much easier to do it in writing than being put on the spot, as it gives me some thinking time! Already had one very awkward conversation with someone who wanted mum's credit card number before she spoke to me, too, and I wouldn't give them it as you just never know who you're speaking to these days! I've got so many files set up on word ready for the deluge, too, it's much easier to save letters than try and document phone calls.

Do you think it's go against us if we said no phone contact at all to them? If I explained that mum's unable to deal with it and that I'm not in a position to be able to speak to them about her circumstances as and when? Not sure if CCCS will be able to take over that side, fingers very crossed that they will for us so I dare answer the phone again...

dinkylou

Lucy,

So sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this whilst being pregnant. You are doing really well. It's not nice that your mum has got herself into this situation and that its you having to deal with it all. You sound like a very strong lady though, don't let any nasty calls get you down.

I know that others have experience of this and can advise better but I think that the best way of dealing with the calls is to say that you will only deal with them in writing (to your address - dont want to freak the parents out anymore)

Good luck

LJD1_2

I'm sure that I read on one of these boards that you can ask to have everything done via letters. Hopefully someone will advise you soon if we keep this post near the top of the board. You're doing fantastically and don't forget to look after yourself with that little one and another on the way. xx