New to the board...shakily posting on behalf of broken mum

Lizbetty

Hi everyone!

I just thought I'd put a quicky on just to say thanks again for all of your loveliness and support with my mum's situation, and to let you know how she's getting on (it might be encouraging for others in the same boat as my mum, I hope).

We're still waiting for the initial apopintment with the CCCS, due 27th November, but we've sent two lots of letters out so far to her creditors to with offers to pay as much as she can afford until she's got some further advice on what to do. The response from some has been excellent, some have offered help and told her she's done the right thing in totting all her debts up and admitting she can't cope. A minority have been not been as good - only in that they keep sending nasty reminders and completely disregarding the fact that she's trying to pay as much as she can at the moment, but I'm keeping those letters for her... I guess they're standard stuff. But mostly, the creditors have been quite ok with the situation as she's at least trying to do something about it.

Since she told dad (best thing she ever did), he's gone from buying 300 cigarettes a week (minimum!) to stopping smoking altogether. I saw a bag of cheaper better buy potatoes in her kitchen last week too, so I know she's really making the effort to cut down! She's gone from looking ill constantly since she added it all up, to coming to terms with it all and seeming much more cheerful. No doubt she's nervous about what the CCCS will say, and I'm sure that there's some tough stuff to get through yet - we're all nervous about how it will affect the house, etc, but she seems much better than she was before, when she was trying to find an extra £800per month from thin air to pay her debts!

I gave her all of the advice people were kind enough to offer on here. She's really grateful and surprised I think at all of the help and the nonjudgemental attitudes, she says herself she's of that generation where not being able to pay and getting in such a state with money is shameful. Dad is still quite quiet about the whole thing, but that's good. At least he's not shouting or drinking again!

I'll let you know how she gets on on the 27th, but I hope that anyone else reading this in the same boat as my mum will realise that it might seem really scary, but the relief once you seek help is immense, and it's only money and it CAN be sorted out.

Thanks again folks,

Lucy

Storm

Glad to hear things are going fairly well, and I think the mix of reactions from creditors is quite normal!

Hope your bump is developing nicely too!

tsutton

I've been reading this thread for a while and while I know that we don't know each other at all, I'm actually proud of you with helping out with your parents while you have your own lives to deal with.

Your suggestion of downsizing the house is a good idea - why have a big house if you don't use most of the rooms.

Obviously, the final decisions ends with your mum & dad, but it seems that things are processing well so far.

Very best of luck for the 27th!

chevalier

Hi lucy having read this thread all in one go, I have a couple of thoughts.

Ref an IVA, payplan or CCCS can put you in touch with an Insolvency Practitioner, if they think an IVA is the best way forward.BUT I believe that 75% of the creditors have to agree to the IVA first point. Second point it does get rid of a lot of the debt, BUT there is still some to pay. And I believe that in the 5th out of 6 years, it would be expected that equity was released to pay more to the IVA. So either your dad would have to buy out your mum, or they would have to sell the property. Thus downsizing, ie selling voluntary might be more attractive proposition. And I have heard in the news that doomsayers are saying the house prices are going to stagnate over the next few years, so now might be a good time to sell anyway. You would have to be guided by what CCCS/payplan have to say about it.

More importantly you mum would HAVE to stick to it. There is little room for manoevre (sp) with an IVA, so your mum would need to address just WHY she compulsively spends so much more money than she earns. If she doesn't and carries on spending then this will be an even bigger problem.

best of luck with all of this
chev

Lizbetty

Thanks guys. The bump is mountainous, ta for asking! LoL! Thanks for the kind words too, Tony. I hope that I'm doing my best by my parents, but I must admit, sometimes when I get the letters through or the phone calls that wake Daisy up on an evening I curse my mum for spending so much. I made her phone the CCCS the other day herself with some queries she had about her Laura Ashley card (they're certainly hard nuts when it comes to chasing money up, despite the floweriness!) as she kept wanting me to do it - I did it pretending that it was best she faced it herself, etc, but to be honest, I was just too knackered to talk to them, which isn't so helpful I guess

Anyway, it turned out she felt better after speaking to them, and so she never realised I got her to do it because I just had had enough. I still feel partly responsible on and off for the mess she's in, seeing as she spent a lot of it on me and my sister over the years. But I think if anyone else'd seen her face when she told me how bad things were, they'd've wanted to try and help too. It's horrible seeing your parents panic, they're not supposed to do that, are they, lol??!!!

Thanks for the advice re: the IVA Chev, my mum really does have her heart set on one for Christmas, lol! She's doing well with the budgeting, I can see that she could quite easily think everything's ok once it's set up and maybe things could go off the rails again slightly (just the odd bit of Taste The Difference stuff from Sainsburys, new book for Daisy, etc..). She did mention the other day that she's done quite well in managing all those debts so far, though - to keep up with so many (very few on direct debit!), write her cheques and envelopes, etc in secret to pay them every month and not get into a mess (she was completely up to date til now), she's pretty hot on her admin...even if her finances leave a lot to be desired, lol!

I did mention to my dad about putting the house in his name, which he's not keen on as he sees it as 'their debt' seeing as they're married, which is all very old fashioned and lovely, but if it can be done, then I'd do it like a flash in his shoes! He was worried that it might be fraudulent in some way. If it's not, and it's the best way to protect the house (which I still think is too big and expensive for them, but anyway..) then I can at least help them get cracking with that before our second sproglet arrives. I'd sleep better knowing they weren't forced to do anything with the house because of the debts, I'm sure mum feels the same.

Anyway, I've been called to put our little un to bed, so I'd best go and take her from my fagged out husband! Thanks so much again. I really do hope that anyone else reading this realises that it might seem the worst thing in the world, but facing it all is the only way out of it and it's not that bad.

Lucy

Lizbetty

Today is not a good day...went round to mum's after a conversation I'd had with a friend who told me his mum has recently gone bankrupt following a landlord dispute which went wrong (his mum's in her 70's, he hadn't mentioned it before, oddly). He used to work for the CAB so he'd taken the time out to do his homework for his mum (no stone left unturned knowing my frend!), and the bankruptcy was as painless as possible. Apart from the very hurt pride and embarassment, his mum had come out relatively unscathed.

He also suggested that mum and dad put the house into dad's name to avoid anyone making any claim on the equity.

I was quite excited to explain it all to my mum, as it doesn't seem quite as daunting as I thought...but was met with a 'oh no, were not doing that' and 'your auntie knows someone who had an IVA and they didn't take any equity from him', etc. Along with a conversation later on about what she'll be buying people from Christmas.

So I must admit, today I'm feeling rather flat and as if she's not really taking anything seriously. I'm hoping I'm not feeling like this because she didn't agree with me (my pride..), and it's because she's not listening to what's best for her, iyswim, but she does seem to listen to a lot a hearsay and nothing I say at all

Anyway. She has the CCCS appointment on Monday which she's dreading - I have a feeling this might be because the only thing she wants to hear is 'yes, we can arrange an IVA for you. Pass us all the details, we'll sort it out for you and you'll hear nothing more for 5 years then it'll all be over'. I have a feeling it's not going to be as easy as that.

It's not easy helping folk is it. I've ordered her a copy of Martin's Thrifty book for Christmas (we're doing her a hamper style thing on the cheap, too) but I have a feeling she might not read it, so I might give it dad instead in the hope he might nag her into taking some notice.

Sorry for the moan, I keep trying to stay open minded and remember it's up to them what they do and remember how they must be feeling, etc, etc, but it still makes me feel very flat and useless and very much wishing my sister or even my wonderful-everything-she-says-makes-mum-feel-better auntie would get up off their backsides and give us a hand rather than making useless comments from the sidelines.

Not a good day....

mr218

you are doing a great job helping your mother sort out her finances. surely it would be for the best if they realise their equity and pay off the debts. after all she borrowed it and if she can pay it off, she should. it will be a blow to your parents, but atleast they will have some peace of mind

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

I really admire you - you are being so strong - how lucky your mum is!!

Glitterari

Big, massive hugs for you.

I'm having to help my mum like this too. She's on her own though so no one to hide it from, apart from denying it to herself for years and years. My younger brother can't help as he's got learning difficulties and so that leaves me! She approached the CAB a while ago and they couldn't help because she didn't have enough debt, apparently. She has got a small amount but it might as well be 1000 times as much because she didn't have a clue how to go about paying it off. Her debts mainly consist of utility bill arrears, council tax and rent arrears, brought about by having a lot of time off work sick following an injury and then borrowing from companies such as Provident.

It's hard enough work for me and I don't have any responsibilities! So a big pat on the back to you and there are plenty more of us out there who are having to act like the parent to our parents to try and help them - made worse when they don't want to know.

Good luck to you xxx

summerday

Hi,

You are doing such a good job, I can really empathise because my mum got into similar problems a few years ago. She had to sell her house and downsize - at least she had this option to clear her debts.

It does sound like your mum is trying to convince herself that things aren't really that bad to make herself feel better. My mum was the same. But I found that even though I felt guilty for doing it, I had to tell her exactly as it was, and not just play along and tell her what she wanted to hear. If your mum has done this before albeit to a lesser extent, and your dad has really given her grief for it but she still does it all over again, why should things be any different in future, especially as it sounds like she already seems to be taking the view that it's not too big a deal and things will soon be easily fixed.

If I were you I would try to speak to one or both of your parents to make them see that your dad needs to take over looking after the household finances to stop this happening again. Sounds really negative but I have to look after most of my mums finances (she's divorced) as even she has admitted she's not sure she can trust herself to not run up more debts.

You are obviously so caring and doing a great job, but don't neglect your own health or get so stressed at this important time:)

sarah x