Am I being unreasonable?

Lunar_Eclipse

Nat1977 wrote: »

I am locking all the doors and going out tomorrow, he hasnt taken his key so can't get in. i might even go and stay with my Mum for a couple of nights. Its not that I dont trust him, he is not like that.

Unless you're trying to end the relationship permanently, I don't think it's wise to do something like this. I appreciate that you are (quite rightly) angry and upset at the moment, but I think this type of behaviour could add fuel to the fire and really won't help your cause.

Whilst I think you're not being unreasonable in the slightest, I think you need time to calm down before he comes home so that you can discuss some much needed changes, including your missed night out!

missdee85

Selfish git, i would be furious if i were you. By sounds of it and i dont mean it to sound nasty to yourself so sorry if it comes across that way he sounds quite child like and like he thinks he is paying a parent board and lodgings as thats the way i was when i lived with my dad i gave him a set amount every week and that was it.

If things dont change you will eventually hold it against him so for your sake you need to chat to him about this when your less worked up as you cant go on sacrificing things for him to reep all the benefits.

xx

lauren_1

Its still November, a bit early for Christmas drinks I would say.

When he gets back I would make it clear that he has been unfair and arrange a night out for yourself with your mum and sister.

mr218

instead of locking him out or going to your mums etc, why not take some time to think what you want.

i am amazed that you have 4 kids with him and he is behaving as a single man. you need to work on that. he knows it is unfair but probably does not want to know as things are workign fine for him and he can do what he wants

basically tell him that you have to combine finances as it is ridiculous not to. make a list of all expenses - rent/mortgage, utilities, food , transport, children's expenses, everything. work out how much is left as disposable income. divide it in half.

tell him that he has to grow up and take responsibility and you cannot be poor as he is partying.

dont get angry. be more mature and tell him how it is going to be.dont accuse him or throw recriminations. presumably you love this man and have had four kids with him. so you need to work it out. better late than never.

whatever you do, dont back down and accept excuses. it looks like you have reached a tipping point.things just have to change. dont shout or get angry . get your points across in a relaxed environment. that means not sulking or being angry when he gets home. let him recover and sit him down tell him that you are not using money efficiently as a family.

if he is still difficult and not amenable to change, then you need to consider your options. if he cannot see it when it is spelt out to him, then he is stupid, selfish or both. you should not subsidise him lifestyle and impoverish yourself

DaisyFlower

Perhaps a good overhaul of your finances is due if you have no money despite working yourself, your OH working the large amount that CB and CTC alone will bring.

sassyblue

Blimey, l really feel for you hun.

You need to sit down and find out what he brings home a month (if you don't know), work out all your incomings and outgoings. What's left should be split 50/50 or at least in a fashion that suits you BOTH. He sounds like he's no good with money anyway, that needs adressing.

I think he's a pig sorry, l also wonder if he did know about being out all night but dropped this news to you slowly and when you didn't have a choice in the matter. :mad:

esmerelda98

sassyblue wrote: »

Blimey, l really feel for you hun.

I don't. I did, until I read the post where she said that her husband's only financial contribution is an amount that barely covers the groceries. She didn't say this is a temporary situation, and I strongly suspect it isn't. I hear this type of story too often on these boards and it angers me. Why do women settle down with men like this? It reeks of desperation, it seems for some women any man will do. Men used to consider it their responsibility to provide for their family financially. They may not have done much around the home but at least they put food on the table. Nowadays too many young men leave their partners to bring home the bacon, or rely on benefits without much of an increase in their household responsibilities. Even if a woman is happy to put up with this nonsense, her children do not deserve this.

ladybirdintheuk

Wow, it sounds like there are a few issues here, and the night out tonight is "just" the straw that broke the camel's back?

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Actually, I don't think locking him out of the house is the best route to getting a fair shake of the money coming into the household. A very satisfying thought to see him locked out in the cold with a hangover, however. The only thing I can see coming out of doing that is to have a broken window to pay for and a tit-for-tat battle with all swords drawn, especially if you bring your Mum into the equation.

I think it would be best to sit tight, wait for him to return and then have a full and frank discussion about it.

I completely agree with this - much as it would give you great satisfaction to get some kind of revenge on him, you need to hold the moral high ground and behave like a grown up. (Not that you should stay in all day and wait for him to roll up mind you - nothing wrong with him waiting in the cold with his hangover for you to get back if you have had to go out.) Wait for him to sober up/get over his hangover, then as BitterandTwisted says, you need to talk to him!

mr218 wrote: »

basically tell him that you have to combine finances as it is ridiculous not to. make a list of all expenses - rent/mortgage, utilities, food , transport, children's expenses, everything. work out how much is left as disposable income. divide it in half.

This is pretty much what I was going to recommend. I did something simiar with my DH a while back - made a spreadsheet with all our bills that go out, plus allowing £400 or so to cover food and travel costs to work. A total at the bottom with how much it all comes too, then divide it by two and that is how much we each have to contribute to the house. And then a figure of what is left over from his wages that he can then spend on himself. And another figure next to it of how much he was regularly spending on himself at that point :eek:. That (just about) did the trick. He still spends more on beer/fruit machines/whatever than we could do with, but not (normally) more than we can afford.

Good luck!

moneypenny2k

esmerelda98 wrote: »

I don't. I did, until I read the post where she said that her husband's only financial contribution is an amount that barely covers the groceries. She didn't say this is a temporary situation, and I strongly suspect it isn't. I hear this type of story too often on these boards and it angers me. Why do women settle down with men like this? It reeks of desperation, it seems for some women any man will do. Men used to consider it their responsibility to provide for their family financially. They may not have done much around the home but at least they put food on the table. Nowadays too many young men leave their partners to bring home the bacon, or rely on benefits without much of an increase in their household responsibilities. Even if a woman is happy to put up with this nonsense, her children do not deserve this.

Oh jolly well said Esmerelda:T:T:T

RacyRed

Any update OP?

What did you do?