I Miss My Daughter So Much

McKneff

Hope the chat on here has lifted you out of your low moment.

My daughter has lived with us for 3 years since a bad relationship ended. She needed some tlc but i have to so used to having her around.

Her and her new partner have bought a house and they move in together and i know i am going to miss her so much but its mixed feelings as she is extremely happy, which is all we ever want for our children.

She is only moving 10 minutes walk away but I dread to think what I would feel like if she was moving to Oz.

Tell her you miss her but youre trying to encourage her to stay for her own benefit but if she really wants to come home then you will help her all the way.

Keep chatting on here when you feel like it. It lets you know that youre not the only one in this position.

downshifted

No need to feel guilty - it's great that you have such a good relationship with your dd. We moved a 6 hour drive away from our daughter - and one of the reasons we didn't settle was because we missed seeing her so much! It's right to encourage her to make the most of her opportunities - we all want our children to fulfil their potential - but it is also ok for them to know that because we love them so much we miss them too :-)

mountainofdebt

tesuhoha wrote: »

However, now she is there she has realised its not the land of milk and honey we thought it was. She is finding it very difficult to get a job and as its so expensive there her savings are running out fast.

I am trying to be positive to encourage her to stay because its better for her and there is nothing here for her ......... If she comes back she will have no job, no money and she will be back to square one as she was two years ago before she got the agency job so I am hoping she gets herself a job.

Playing devil's advocate for a minute, would it be a total disaster if she did come home, given what you've said about Australia not being the land of milk and honey?

Yes your daughter wouldn't have a job but at least she would be home and have family support around her. I would be worried that her head is telling her to come home but her heart is saying that people would be some how disappointed in her, coming home without the trip being a success.

I think I would be tempted to say her that you support her in whatever decision she arrives at and if that means coming home then that what it means.

I can appreciate what you mean about missing them though.....they never grow up in our eyes, do they ?

KiKi

Just on a practical point: OP, you mentioned she might be back a year after she gets a job. Assuming she's not working in 'country' Australia, she *has* to return home a year from the date her visa first started, not the date she starts working. You can't work for more than 6 months with any employer on a working holiday visa, and the visa expires 365 days after it was issued, not after she starts work or arrived in Aus. So unless she starts working out in the country (which allows her to apply for an extension) she'll be back well within a year.

I lived and worked in Melbourne. I loved it, but it is terribly expensive. I was spending $1200 a month on rent (and that was in a share house!) - although I admit it was in a very nice area, and fruit, veggies and bread are HORRIFICALLY expensive. Except bananas. Being a vegetarian is a nightmare unless you eat spicy Asian food, and the cost of living is generally much more expensive, as are taxes. (Make sure she knows she has to complete an Australian tax return when she gets back; it's a legal requirement!)

I know it sounds terrible, but I didn't miss my mum and dad at all because we talked all the time on the phone (mobile tariffs are very cheap in Aus), on Skype and they came to visit me for two weeks - during the hottest weeks that Melbourne has ever had! Having said that, I don't live near them in the UK anyway, but because I was so far away, we made more of an effort to chat than we usually would!

Where is she staying? In Melbourne there are LOADS of restaurants and cafes that advertise all Summer for jobs, and recruitment is very casual - no-one would think anything of wading into a shop / business and asking for a job! It's pretty similar in Sydney, too, and certainly in Cairns. Hopefully once she manages to bring some money in she'll feel much brighter, and you'll feel better about it, too.

Don't forget, that she's in a very safe country, with terrific weather right now, and the people are really friendly. Probably the only thing that's really stressful for her is the not having cash issue, so once that's sorted she'll undoubtedly have a great time. And you sound like a lovely mum, so if things don't go to plan I'm sure she knows she can come home to you.

I hope Christmas doesn't feel too awful for you this year. I found Christmas in Aus very odd - it was sunny, hot, and all the shops and restaurants are open, and the trains all run! Bizarre!

KiKi

nearlyrich

It's hard when the children grow up and take off for new experiences but as a parent you want them to do well and be happy, hope things work out for her and that she gets a job soon. My DS has recently moved for a job and he is now 250 miles away so I know a little of what you are feeling OP x

honeypop

My BIL went to Oz 2 months ago, planning to be there for a year and work while there etc..., he's still there but constantly moaning about how it's draining his savings as he hadn't realised it was so expensive to just live day to day (although he is doing the popular touristy things as well). He thought he could work in a career-type job out there and gain experience that will help him when he comes back, but has found - as people did try to tell him before he went - that it is mainly manual labour type jobs that will take him on. He is starting to think that if all he has the option to work as out there is waiter, barman, fruit picker, or other relatively low paid job, then he may as well come back and do that here where the cost of living is lower.

OP, do tell her that you miss her and that if it isn't working out or isn't what she thought it would be, then you won't think any less of her if she wanted to come home (or something to that effect). I moved abroad when I was 21, and after 4 months or so I really thought I'd made a mistake, but carried on sticking it out, until I'd been there nearly 2 years. I spoke to my mum probably fortnightly, less as time went on as I didn't want to tell her how bad it was and couldn't keep up the pretence of being happy. She thought she was doing me a favour by not saying how much I was missed or that I could come back whenever I wanted and no-one would mind (although of course I could have returned if I wanted to, I just felt everyone would think I'd failed at it). I so wish she'd told me at any time, it would have given me the courage needed to say 'oh well it didn't turn out as I'd hoped so I should go back now', instead of wasting 2 years of my life out there.

honeypop

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Playing devil's advocate for a minute, would it be a total disaster if she did come home, given what you've said about Australia not being the land of milk and honey?

Yes your daughter wouldn't have a job but at least she would be home and have family support around her. I would be worried that her head is telling her to come home but her heart is saying that people would be some how disappointed in her, coming home without the trip being a success.

I think I would be tempted to say her that you support her in whatever decision she arrives at and if that means coming home then that what it means.

Just read this after typing my reply above, the middle bit is so true - just how I felt, and the last bit is exactly what I needed to hear from my mum when I was there.

Blue_Monkey

OP - are you my mum??

I've been living in Australia for 9 months I think my mum wishes I'd just come home. She's really fearful that we'll stay for good (here on a 2 year work contract) and as much as she is encouraging and happy that I'm here, I can also hear the undertone of I hope you don't like it too much and I hope you come home soon...

At one point she was asking me EVERY time I spoke to her if we thought we'd stay here forever. In the end I told her off. I told her that we didn't know ourselves and that until we needed to make a decision, we wouldn't and that we would just enjoy the opportunity for the time-being.

She was winding herself up about it, overthinking "what if she stays, what if she has kids there, what if she never comes home" which I understand to a point, but it got a bit overbearing.

Now she just lets me get on with it - and seems to have 'let go' herself a bit too. I think it helped that she came to visit and can picture where I am a bit more and understand my life here.

sueeve wrote: »

My daughter is in Canada, has been for some while, and I never feel far from her. Being close to someone isn't about distance I have discovered, you can be far from your daughter when she is in the next room. Closeness is of the heart.
Things will work out. You are in touch, you love each other.

I wish I could thank this post more than once It so so true. I think about my friends and family back home every day, not in a sad homesick way, but they are just there, with me all the time. In fact one of my best friend's emailed the other day and said "I'm sorry for not being in touch much, but you are in my thoughts often" and I just wrote back saying "Same here xx" and that really is enough sometimes.

How long has your daughter been here for? What kind of place is she staying in (hostel/apartment etc)?

In terms of cost of living - it is very expensive here, specially with the £ being so weak so she needs some Aussie $ asap!

I don't know what kind of work she does, but Sydney in particular is nearly at full employment and the recession didn't hit here too hard, so we've heard lots of positive stories about people being able to find work easily...

Ultimately, it will be whatever she makes of it. If she's not getting herself out there and meeting people and forging friendships and work contacts, she may well struggle. Its not easy and take a lot of guts to do. The infrastructure for working-holidays-visitors and backpackers is amazing here. I'm guessing she's early-20s, so I think if I was in her shoes, I'd google the most popular hostel in the city, move into the biggest dorm and try and meet people. If she's making friends who have experiences to share and travel plans to include her in, she might not care so much if she's not loving the work side of things.

(I expect you'd feel happier if she was happier too)

But, if she really feels its not for her, and it feels right to go home, then perhaps that's what she should do. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right? But at the same time, life is too short to be miserable!

Keep us posted, and if she's here in Sydney and fancies a happy hour cocktail, I know a great little place

minerva_windsong

Brighton_belle wrote: »

OP, why don't you just tell her this? i.e. "I'm really missing you but I am encouraging you to stick it out and keep trying becasue I so want you to be happy and you may break through any day and find something. Then think what a fantastic opportunity the next year will be etc etc."
If you tell her, then you will stop torturing yourself that she will think you are pushing her away.

I agree. I didn't go home from uni (apart from Christmas holidays) until about midway through my second term for my sister's birthday, and remember my mum saying, "We miss you but we're glad you haven't come home before now, because if you had we'd have been worried that you didn't like it, but if you really don't like it then you know you can come home." I think if you say something like that it'll help to assuage that fear that you feel like you've left her to fend for herself but keeping her options open if she does want to come back.

The suggestion of using Skype or similar to stay in touch is good too. Also, do you both have Facebook? As then she could show you some of her photos, or simply email them to you.

On the topic of being home for Christmas, my sister missed Christmas a few years ago when she was in New Zealand (her then-boyfriend, now-husband is from there) and rather than having Christmas at my parents' house as usual we went to my other sister's in Warwickshire. I think it helped my mum as she had a break from the pressures of Christmas and also could relax a bit and play with my nephew so took her mind off my sis not being there. Is there any way you could have a similar change of scene, maybe going away or visiting friends/relatives?

clever_username

no real advice other than to champion the aforementioned video-chatting, you may find that 'face to face' contact helps a little. other than that just offering my best wishes that you can work something out, i'd imagine it's like missing a limb my daughter is 14 and i'll admit that i miss her if she stays down her friend's overnight! (sad i know!)