Memorygirls - The Matrix Reloaded

Bitsy_Beans

gilligansyle wrote: »

Regarding the single parent bit, there is a stigma about it that is related to benefit bashing. Dear friend of mine was in a meeting years ago, full of people who should have known better. A comment was made about how people should stick together for the sake of the children and 'all single parents are that way by choice' - his reply "if I could have stopped my wife from dying from cancer and leaving me with 3 children under the age of 5, I would have" soon shut them up.

It is not who brings the children up, but how, that matters.

I'll get down off me soapbox now.

I think if you've exhuasted all avenues regarding your relationship then staying together for the sake of the kids is NOT the best thing for your children. My H remembers lots of arguments between his parents, my own gran was unhappily married but had no other option than to stay with her husband, a friend recalls how much happier she and her parents were when they separated. I personally feel the sanity and well being of the parents is paramount as the kids will pick up on their parents state of mind. I can't think of anything more unhappy than two adults, forced to live with each other, bickering and hating in and around the family home.

it is exactly how the children are brought up that matters, whole heartedly agree there. I see plenty of couples together with their children in the local town, drinking, swearing and mouthing off at their kids. No respect for each other or anyone else. I'd rather have a single mother like you MG, who's teaching her sons to be respectful, resourceful and to appreciate life.

<steps off soapbox>

Buffy - I've just turned 36 eek! But do you know what I'd rather be this age now than being in my 20's. I am far more confident in a lot of areas than I was at 21. I am more interested in taking a risk, enjoying the simple things in life. More open to the possibilities of the Universe. I would suggest you pring out your post and put it somewhere you'll read it regularly.

Here's to screwing the rules :beer:

Memory_Girl

tellmeitsfriday wrote: »

Is it your birthday MG?

No hon - its my youngest's birthday today - he is 3.

Mine is not till June - can't you tell I'm a Gemini??:D

MG

tellmeitsfriday

Memory_Girl wrote: »

No hon - its my youngest's birthday today - he is 3.

Mine is not till June - can't you tell I'm a Gemini??:D

MG

My foolishness was pointed out - did you have a good day together?

What's a Gemini?

Bitsy_Beans

Happy Birthday to Master MG. Hope he has a lovely day


Just wanted to offload if I may.
I plod on with my life OK and every once in a while I have a bump, feel low and start climbing back up again. It's not the BD or anything, don't have that issue but it's more a kicking back against the fence regarding the reality of my life.
I want to exercise more, do more crafting (rather than CMing if I am honest) but at the moment with small kids, DS and his Autism going to bed so late it just never going to happen..........by the time H comes home last night I'd had enough I wanted to switch off, step off the merry go round that was my life and have things the way Iwanted them. I find it a strain that DS is up in the evening so late, me and H don't get any time together until after 9pm. I was tired, uncomfortable with my back and grumpy, fed up with how things are. I am generally OK with my life, it's mostly the same every day but I like that (rigidity of thinking anyone :rotfl:) but every now and again I hits me like a slap round the face.
All the projects I'd like to try I never get chance (unless I sacrifice doing something else instead), I never stop picking up and tidying away, the housework is always there (living and working at home I can't ignore it sadly, it gets me down if the house is a tip ), not being able to swtich off from being a mummy until 9pm at night. I hate feeling like this but at the same time I feel by not acknowledging this feeling just makes it return stronger and with a vengence.
My H is a star and definately does his bit (all the ironing each week, working a full time job), puts the kids to bed etc, I get to go out to tap class each week for 2 hours in the evening. So really I shouldn't have anything to complain about. And yet I do I am struggling with accepting that life the way I'd like it isn't going to happen, certainly not for several more years at least. I need a way of accepting this rather kicking back against the fence and making me feel miserable.

If any of that makes sense it will be a miracle It's a bit of a ramble. Not looking for sympathy so no hugs are needed, just needed to get it off my chest

Feeling tired after pants night sleep, bit weepy and terribly sorry for myself, not a good combination really.

crickett1234

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I don't actually know if that makes sense. but its as though in some areas of my life I shouldn't be happy,

the way I feel people see me (and sometimes all I show cos that is all I am allowed?)

35, no kids, dead end job no promotion, unhappy place to work, still learning to drive? living with mum oh the shame!! no bf - well of course not who would want that package?

The way I feel when I consider the reality.

35 (ok not thrilled with that), a skilled teacher, two jobs, have overcome a lot of difficulties and kept my dignity, I was not beaten down and whilst yes it is sometimes hard I feel I have stuck to principles which are very important to me, i have loads of really wonderful friends and get many compliments about my teaching. also I do feel privilledged to be in my position.
...

I think its hard to overcome the messages that are either actually told to you or come to you by accident especially when you feel you dont fit either "truth". on those days when it's grey and dreary when you feel ill or just battered by life, it is easy to give in and accept your place in the undeserving masses.

I am going to make a real effort to remember that I am an individual, I can choose to be different or the same. I only have one life. And there is nothing so badly wrong with me that means I "should" be unhappy or feel guilty or bad. I am enough so screw the rules.

Buffy - I don't feel like I am a success because there are several key things which my parents think I SHOULD have and don't. My Dad has never been reticent to tell me exactly what my shortcomings are, and after 38 years of listening to that, I actually believe most of it. It is a really hard habit to break. Add to that, he likes to change the goal posts to make sure I can never attain a situation where I have succeeded in his eyes. It makes it a never ending quest. I know it shouldn't matter what my Dad thinks or wants because it is my life, but it is easy to say and really, really hard to do.

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I am struggling with accepting that life the way I'd like it isn't going to happen, certainly not for several more years at least. I need a way of accepting this rather kicking back against the fence and making me feel miserable.

Bitsy - the portion of your post which I quoted really, really spoke to me. Although my circumstances are very different from yours, I know just what you mean.

Recently, I re-read some books i loved during my choldhood - the Anne of Green Gables series. By the end of it, I was sobbing. Not because the stories were sad (although there were parts of them that were sad) but because I was grieving for a lost life. I was between 8 and 10 years of age when I read them and I had a VERY clear idea of what I wanted my life to be like. I was going to be an engineer, I was going to be a Mum with 4 children, I was going to live in the country, but most of all, I was going to be happy. Now, I might not be an engineer (physics utterly baffled me!) but I like my job. I am in a profession and I am good at it. I might not live in the country (more's the pity!) but I am going to move to a leafy suburb of a city I like. But its the Mum of 4 children bit that gets me.

I can't have children naturally. IVF isn't an option for us. Adoption probably isn't either, for reasons I don't really want to go into here. I have come to realise that I am never going to have the babies I so desperately want, and have wanted all my life. And that sucks. I try and try to come to terms with it and be happy with what I have got, but I just can't seem to get past it. It is breaking my heart.

Thank you to both Buffy and Bitsy for these posts. You have just very clearly stated some of the issues I have been struggling with for years. I hope my thoughts will now be clear enough to pursue a path to putting this behind me.

Sorry for the essay!! I love this Matrix we have. We totally rock!

Happy Birthday Master MG!

Craftyscholar

crickett1234 wrote: »

Buffy - I don't feel like I am a success because there are several key things which my parents think I SHOULD have and don't. My Dad has never been reticent to tell me exactly what my shortcomings are, and after 38 years of listening to that, I actually believe most of it. It is a really hard habit to break. Add to that, he likes to change the goal posts to make sure I can never attain a situation where I have succeeded in his eyes. It makes it a never ending quest. I know it shouldn't matter what my Dad thinks or wants because it is my life, but it is easy to say and really, really hard to do.

I have a friend who retired as Deputy Head of a very good primary school and could have made Head, but didn't want to lose teaching to admin,
Her mother always behaved as if she had failed. Why? Because mother had been a District Nurse/Midwife and believed that nursing was the profession she should have gone into.
All her friends know she was a brilliant primary teacher - just not her mother.

clairewop

Good morning

Some deep and meaning full posts here this morning. Hope everyone feels more uplifted soon.

Happy birthday little MG

Well I seem to be having one of those weeks, I still feel battered after my fall on Weds, my friend came here last night the house was a pigsty as I couldn't do any tidying, and she said it smelt of dog when she came in, So guesse what I'm trying to to today???? yes clean

The dog keeps getting in the way, the cat keeps knocking clothes off the top of the worktop, and my coxix (sp?) is absolutley throbbing

BUT my tada list so far is
Kitchen cleaned floors scrubbed, dishwasher on, a load of washing ready to go on the line and a load in the machine.
cushions tidied on settees, rug and laminate hoovered in living room, laminate washed.
bathroom floor washed same time as kitchen floor.
all the washing off the line sorted into piles ready to go into bedrooms.

crickett1234

Claire, if ANY friend of mine came into my house and told me that it smelt of dog, I would kick the person out of my house. And their nose may well be so damaged from my punch, they would not be able to smell ever again. How incredibly rude! :eek::mad:

tellmeitsfriday

Animals do have their own smell. We know that when we allow them in to our lives. I am quite sure TMIF-Palace smells of cat.

Do I care? No!

It's not a bad smell, it's their smell.

It would be a bad smell if they were pooing all over the place and then you weren't removing the offending "gift"! But then it wouldn't smell of dog, it would smell of dog poo...

What I mean is, he's your dog, he's your family member, he has his own whiff... you'll never get rid of it (even if you scrubbed and bleached from now until Armageddon) so don't waste your life trying

Oh, and your friend probably didn't mean "Ewww it stinks of dog", but punch her, like Claire says, because it was thoughtless

Bitsy_Beans

Crickett - Thank you so much for sharing. Really puts my woes into perspective. I know I shouldn't have any reason to complain and yet I do. This is my life and for the most part I love it. Sadly I am not living in the countryside, in a cottage with a massive veggie patch but where I live is pleasant, not overlooked too much by other houses. I can see DS playing in the school playground from his bedroom window and I have a happily little family which really is a blessing given your hearts desire Crickett. I need to stop torturing myself with wishing things were different. Sending you positive vibes and warm gentle hugs that you can find a path forward past your breaking heart. I love the Anne of Green Gables........my H bought me the whole set of books I need to get the TV series on DVD next, only got it on video. I swear I was born 100 years too late sometimes

Claire - Bit thoughtless of your friend to mention the smell, hope it wasn't intended quite how it's coming across written down. Open all the windows, get a good flow of air through the house. ALL houses smell, we each have out own "smell" anyway. But I'd never say so to a friend.