A little advice needed please Re 12 Yr old

Gingham_Ribbon

Thriftkitten wrote: »

I obviously was angry and have a list of the girls involved,
I'm very disappointed because my daughter is on the gifted and talented register at school and will be taking her gcse's a year early, whilst the other girls in this group are not....
I understand that kids will be kids and we have all done silly things to feel cool, but I feel like she is slipping from my grip all of a sudden,
Not that long ago she was heavily involved in "Kidz r us" a theatrical group and a straight A student, now she dosent go anymore and wanted to go to this youthclub.
The club is out of the window and she will be repremanded, but I really don't know what to say to her without losing my rag!!
I think it's the lies that are upsetting me more than anything, I had to back her into the corner saying I would discuss it with the head of school before she came clean.
Oh I don't know, just a mixture of disappointment and losing my little girl, she is growing too fast and I feel like she is slipping from my grip!!.

Oh goodness, I'm dreading all this with my 2! Have a hug from me.

First of all, she probably is slipping from your grip, as she should be. This is the time when your hard work raising her will start to pay off.

She needs to rebel. That's her job for the next few years. She has to practice being a grown-up and she has to make mistakes and find her own way. There will be many, many more times when she'll mess up.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is not lose your rag! I think it's probably time to have a grown-up conversation with her about what your worries are.

She's able enough to do well in education - tell her why you worry about her not acheiving her best and what it's like not being able to choose your own path because you don't have the grades.

The smoking - scare tactics don't seem to work on most children as they either feel like they're invincible or don't care if they get cancer in their 40s as it seems like a million years away. I'd probably talk about the bad breath, cost, smell and how people do make judgements on others who smoke, including employers and people who will interview her for uni places.

All this is normal teen stuff, including dropping out of extra-curricular stuff. I was in a brass band and orchestra, I played the piano, I followed the local speedway team etc. At about 13-14 I dropped everything in favour of 'hanging around'. She needs that time but I'd encourage her to keep something she enjoys too. It's grounding, should help keep her focused and provide an outlet that doesn't involve some of the things parents obviously worry about! It will look good on college applications too. (She might respond to that bit!)

Re the gifted bit - that's something I'd advise you to look into. The NAGC helpline is a good place to start. Some gifted children put awful pressure on themselves to do well and some start giving up on things when they start getting difficult, because they've 'coasted' in the past and don't have any study skills or the requisite determination.

Some find social situations a bit harder than most children and, if you think your daughter is one of them, there are things you can do.

Also, some people will comment that being gifted doesn't make any difference and isn't relevant. That's not necessarily true, due to the different needs associated with children of high intellect.

pm me if you'd like to have a chat. I don't have all the answers but I do know a thing or 2 about this.

Gingham_Ribbon

Bloomin_Freezing2 wrote: »

Sorry but what does this have to do with anything? That does
not make your daughter better than her friends.

Unfortunately she's at an age where peer pressure comes into life a lot and she made a mistake.

As hard as it may be, try and keep calm when speaking with her, but still get your point across. Your daughter is already aware that this was a silly thing to do.

You give good advice here, but the fact that she's doing some GCSEs a year early really is relevant to this.

The OP never made any suggestion that she thought her daughter was 'better'. She said that her friends aren't doing this, that's all.

Taking GCSEs early is one way schools try to manage the needs of children who are at high risk of switching off learning for good, due to never being given work appropriate to them. It's not always a great idea and there are other things that can be done instead or as well as this.

The fact is though, that it's not about being 'better' but it IS about being different and having different needs and pressures at this time.

:beer:

Thriftkitten

ailuro2 wrote: »

Thriftkitten....

is it only me, or is anyone else wondering why she had a lighter in her pocket BEFORE trying her first cigarette....

I am pointing this out because I smoked from the age of 12 till I was nearly thirty. I was top of the class and hung out with kids who worked just as hard as me.

After I'd been caught the first time I soon learned not to leave any evidence lying around, to use perfume, wash my hands, to chew gum ALL the time, not just when I'd been smoking.

The trouble with clever kids is they can also prove smarter at keeping information from you.

A few spot checks on her route home from school would be my first tactic, because making sure she has no money to buy ciggies will just mean she will be finishing off someone else's ciggie.;)

My DD just turned 12, and I'm dreading the first time something like this happens.:(

Hi, apparently she was given the lighter at school to look after by the girl who was to bring the ciggie to the youthclub that friday night.. it was all planned that they would go out whilst at the youth club lol little minxes, but we have all done it I suppose.
I dropped her at the chip shop near to the youth club and then called her about half an hour later to ask about this lighter, at this point they hadnt been out for a puff, it was later on at about 8:30 they dipped out.

7891368

Just be thankful it was just a cigarette.

I think you need to be talking to her more, try and get a bit closer so she can disclose information to you and her feelings.

Girly day at home pampering, a movie or something?

Try and get a bit closer? Obviously this will take time.

escortg3

I personally think you have been lied to. I would say they have smoked before. Every kids excuse for lighters etc are oh its a mates.

She had probably had one that day and forgot about the lighter in her pocket.

The other girls maybe telling there parents that your daughter is pressurising them to smoke.

schizometric

It must be awfully shocking as a parent, but as someone who did just what your daughter is doing (& then some) but is now training to be a clinical psychologist, I think I can safely say that the harsher you are with her the worse it'll be and the more she will rebel. I guess your best bet is to try to build resilience to her friend's requests including education about the risks of smoking and reinforcing how bright she is and how she doesn't need ciggies to look cool, as well as building upon your relationship to ensure she trusts what you're saying e.g. doing something just you 2 together. Are there any other interests she has - ones that could possibly lead her into a new peer group (but without e.g. taking her out of school or preventing her from seeing her pals, which would undoubtedly make things much much worse)

Then it's her choice. Unfortunately if she is in with peers who are possibly trying to lead her astray, peers are the foremost influence in our lives at that point, so the best things you can do is encourage her inner strength through reinforcement and maybe try to distract her from those peers. Remain calm, and I'm not sure if you have discussed this with the head or not as I haven't read the entire thread, but I would advise against empty threats.. it will counteract the reinforcement as mentioned above, leading her not to take you seriously as she goes into the really difficult years of 14-16!