A little advice needed please Re 12 Yr old

Thriftkitten

Hi I would like to ask some of the members here for a little advice as to how to handle a situation that I have found myself in with my 12 yr old daughter.
So last night my daughter had arranged to have a friend sleep over and they were attending the local salvation army youth club which was only her second time as before I had refused due to all the kids hanging around outside on the seafront and not inside the youth club, so I drop them off and arrange to collect at 9pm with strict instructions NOT to go outside!!!(alright mum I won't stop going on she says!!)
At home I decide to wash the school uniform and whilst emptying pockets in blazer I come across a LIGHTER!!!!! Hmmmmm boiling up I call her mobile and ask her about this...
She says a mixture of things ranging from maybe it was the friends as her mum smokes and she picked it up and put it in the wrong blazer pocket to the undesirable in the class who may of done it to get her into trouble and that she honestly did not know it was there!!!
Wool over eyes and all I tell her we will speak further later.
having a few hours to mull it over, when i pick her up the first thing she says is " Oh mum I'm really sorry but I lied, I found the lighter on the road and kept it in my pocket to show off"
Clearing the wool from my eyes I decide thats a red flag I can see, so I firmly told her that I KNEW SHE WAS LYING!!! and that not to speak to me further until she was ready to tell me the TRUTH!!
once home I sent them both upstairs and from the steam coming from my ears they both understood I was not in a good mood!
I called their bluff and explained that come Monday at school I would be arranging an interview with the head Mistress of the school to discuss this and help to get to the bottom of it,
10 mins later I get a "tap tap" on the kitchen door with a note from the friend..... in rough as follows...
"Dear mum,
I'm so so sorry but I was given the lighter at school by a friend who asked me to hold it for her and whilst at the youth club tonight we all went out for a walk and tried a cigarette, I didn't really want to do it but all my friends did it and so I did too, but it was horrible and made me feel sick, sorry you are the most important thing in the world to me and I'm never going to lie to you again blah blah blah"
please punish me I deserve it!!!!!!!
I obviously was angry and have a list of the girls involved,
I'm very disappointed because my daughter is on the gifted and talented register at school and will be taking her gcse's a year early, whilst the other girls in this group are not....
I understand that kids will be kids and we have all done silly things to feel cool, but I feel like she is slipping from my grip all of a sudden,
Not that long ago she was heavily involved in "Kidz r us" a theatrical group and a straight A student, now she dosent go anymore and wanted to go to this youthclub.
The club is out of the window and she will be repremanded, but I really don't know what to say to her without losing my rag!!
I think it's the lies that are upsetting me more than anything, I had to back her into the corner saying I would discuss it with the head of school before she came clean.
Oh I don't know, just a mixture of disappointment and losing my little girl, she is growing too fast and I feel like she is slipping from my grip!!.

Bloomin_Freezing2

Thriftkitten wrote: »

Hi I would like to ask some of the members here for a little advice as to how to handle a situation that I have found myself in with my 12 yr old daughter.
So last night my daughter had arranged to have a friend sleep over and they were attending the local salvation army youth club which was only her second time as before I had refused due to all the kids hanging around outside on the seafront and not inside the youth club, so I drop them off and arrange to collect at 9pm with strict instructions NOT to go outside!!!(alright mum I won't stop going on she says!!)
At home I decide to wash the school uniform and whilst emptying pockets in blazer I come across a LIGHTER!!!!! Hmmmmm boiling up I call her mobile and ask her about this...
She says a mixture of things ranging from maybe it was the friends as her mum smokes and she picked it up and put it in the wrong blazer pocket to the undesirable in the class who may of done it to get her into trouble and that she honestly did not know it was there!!!
Wool over eyes and all I tell her we will speak further later.
having a few hours to mull it over, when i pick her up the first thing she says is " Oh mum I'm really sorry but I lied, I found the lighter on the road and kept it in my pocket to show off"
Clearing the wool from my eyes I decide thats a red flag I can see, so I firmly told her that I KNEW SHE WAS LYING!!! and that not to speak to me further until she was ready to tell me the TRUTH!!
once home I sent them both upstairs and from the steam coming from my ears they both understood I was not in a good mood!
I called their bluff and explained that come Monday at school I would be arranging an interview with the head Mistress of the school to discuss this and help to get to the bottom of it,
10 mins later I get a "tap tap" on the kitchen door with a note from the friend..... in rough as follows...
"Dear mum,
I'm so so sorry but I was given the lighter at school by a friend who asked me to hold it for her and whilst at the youth club tonight we all went out for a walk and tried a cigarette, I didn't really want to do it but all my friends did it and so I did too, but it was horrible and made me feel sick, sorry you are the most important thing in the world to me and I'm never going to lie to you again blah blah blah"
please punish me I deserve it!!!!!!!
I obviously was angry and have a list of the girls involved,
I'm very disappointed because my daughter is on the gifted and talented register at school and will be taking her gcse's a year early, whilst the other girls in this group are not....
I understand that kids will be kids and we have all done silly things to feel cool, but I feel like she is slipping from my grip all of a sudden,
Not that long ago she was heavily involved in "Kidz r us" a theatrical group and a straight A student, now she dosent go anymore and wanted to go to this youthclub.
The club is out of the window and she will be repremanded, but I really don't know what to say to her without losing my rag!!

Sorry but what does this have to do with anything? That does
not make your daughter better than her friends.

Unfortunately she's at an age where peer pressure comes into life a lot and she made a mistake.

As hard as it may be, try and keep calm when speaking with her, but still get your point across. Your daughter is already aware that this was a silly thing to do.

busiscoming2

Unfortuneately this is what happens to our lovely babies, they grow up, get hormones raging and feel the peer pressure. I think you are lucky that she has actually told you what went on, most kids dont and as long as you talk to your children and guide them in the right direction and let them know you are always there for them, that realistically all you can do. I would just let her know how disappointed you are in her and that she doesnt have to 'join in' if she doesnt want to.

My dd tried smoking, and I didnt know about it for years (she is now 23) she told me that apparantly she tried it when she was angry with me about something on the way home from school!!!!

Thriftkitten

It has to do with the fact that before the youth club where the other friends go she was enrolled in her theatrical group and strived to do her best, just recently she only wants to hang around with the girls who are not interested in working hard at school and are not on the gifted and talented register for her year....
Don't bite my head off I was only saying that she seems to be slipping through my fingers and not wanting to keep up with the hard work, she would rather hang around with the crowd that aern't overly bothered about doing well.

Bloomin_Freezing2 wrote: »

Sorry but what does this have to do with anything? That does
not make your daughter better than her friends.

Unfortunately she's at an age where peer pressure comes into life a lot and she made a mistake.

As hard as it may be, try and keep calm when speaking with her, but still get your point across. Your daughter is already aware that this was a silly thing to do.

Bloomin_Freezing2

I wasn't biting your head off. Maybe you're pushing her too hard?

If she's a bright girl she'll get herself back on track i'm sure. Could there be another reason she's gone off the rails? Rather than shutting her in her room and telling her you won't talk to her you should do the opposite and see if she has any troubles.

mountainofdebt

tbh I think you handled it as perhaps I would have done a few years back ie badly.

Firstly, this was an issue that you should have talked to her when she was on her own - the worst thing you did was to explode in front of her friend.......especially as you ever know if this girl can keep her mouth shut and not let others into what happened.

Whilst I probably would have exploded as well, its far more effective I've learned to explain why you are so against her smoking - I find that when given the reasons for a particular reason people are more accepting of the decision ....yes you don't have to explain yourself to a 12 year old but you may find that they less willing to go against your word if you do.

As for going to that particular youth club then what's wrong in letting her go? The worst thing I've found is trying to make a child go somewhere where they have no interest in going - if your daughter is that bright then she will soon get bored and decide to do something else instead.

By the way she shouldn't be in your grip - I would have had more sympathy if you said influence - you may find that if you try and control her too much then she will kick against you and not reach her potential just to spite you.

Thriftkitten

I didn't tell her to go to her room for any other reason that I was very confused and angry at what had happened and needed to clear my head and not hear any more lies, also give her the chance to figure out how to tell me the truth.
I was never the brightest at school, am more hands on and sporty rather than brainy, maddie has a natural ability and she used that to her advantage relishing in the fact that she could do well without much effort, she loved her theatrical school and although I struggled financially with it and also to collect her at 10pm as I have a younger daughter who used to fall asleep I found a way to manage, because she enjoyed it so much and boosted her confidence.
Don't mind me, I think I'm just wallowing in disappointment that she is veering off the course she once found so rewarding and kept the nagging mum proud!!!

Bloomin_Freezing2 wrote: »

I wasn't biting your head off. Maybe you're pushing her too hard?

If she's a bright girl she'll get herself back on track i'm sure. Could there be another reason she's gone off the rails? Rather than shutting her in her room and telling her you won't talk to her you should do the opposite and see if she has any troubles.

Sambucus_Nigra

mountainofdebt wrote: »

tbh I think you handled it as perhaps I would have done a few years back ie badly.

I agree - the first falling out with this girl and she's gonna be toast at school. Which means that she will try even harder to fit in. Oops.

This probably won't be the last thing that she does that you disagree with - but you need to find a better way of handling it than going mental off the rails at her.

heretolearn_2

Hey, I smoke and I'm officially a genius! :-)

Sorry, I'm not trying to make light of this really. But I think you are overreacting a wee bit. Calling a school meeting with the headteacher before you even knew anyone else at school was involved? Going off on one in front of her friend?

Find me a kid who hasn't tried a cigarette at some point and it'll be a kid who's never left the house.

She was silly, she seems to accept that she'd been silly, and all you can do is talk to her calmly about the health risks and expense - and the foul smell smokers have on them, their hair, their clothes, to put her off trying again. Also, have a chat with her about peer pressure (no, not the 'if they jumped off a cliff would you?, rubbish) but give her some real strategies to use when she doesn't want to do something. Tell her to say she has to go home for something and leave. Tell her to stick up for herself and not participate even if she stays. Tell her to laugh at her friends for being silly. Whatever.

But going overboard over something very common and not really that bad will just result in her never wanting to admit to anything else she is inevitably going to get up to as she grows up! Meaning that she won't have access to your help and guidance. And guidance is what it is all about at this age - they are changing, their worlds are changing, their influences are changing, and you have to go along with them in a sensible manner, able to lay down some rules but also continue to advise and guide on things that really are not under your direct control any more.

P.S I agree thorougly with not letting a 12 year old 'hang about' the seafront.

mountainofdebt

I think the point is, is that once our children go to school, our influence over them decreases and once they go to secondary school, well it disappears to almost zero

The point is, is that we can only guide our children and hope that they realise that we've been around the block so know exactly what's around the corner (even if they think we don't) By trying to control your daughter to the extent that your original post suggested, you are only going to do the opposite.

If you want your daughter to act as an adult (in the sense of working hard etc) then you have to treat her as you would treat an adult. By that (and I will probably get slated for this but hey ho) I think you should apologise to her for exploding but then go on to explain to her the reasons why you did .....that you were disappointed to find the lighter, even more disappointed to find out that she had been lying to you but worried that she had even tried smoking becuase of the health risks etc. I would even go as far to say that you should say that the matter is now closed and that the list of girls' names has been binned - because if you do take it further then you run the risk of totally alienating your daughter.

Thriftkitten

Hi and thanks for responding... I should have worded that differently maybe, by grip I meant that as a single parent of a developing young lady I really wasn't happy about this youth club, we have frequently passed this youth club at 10pm at night when on our way home from the theatrical group, only to see hoards of kids mainly older than my daughter but still school age hanging around outside on the seafront, running infront of the approaching slow cars etc and generally undesirable stuff for kids of that age at that time of night on a friday.
I didn't explode infront of the friend as such I was just not in a good mood and asked them to go up to her room as I wasn't prepared to hear anymore on the lighter until they were ready to tell me the truth.
I honestly had a feeling that the friend was the one who was smoking as she has made a comment before whist on the phone to my daughter that she had stolen some of her mothers vodka and put some cranberry juice in it and drunk it, but she was only one of the group last night that had tried the ciggie.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

tbh I think you handled it as perhaps I would have done a few years back ie badly.

Firstly, this was an issue that you should have talked to her when she was on her own - the worst thing you did was to explode in front of her friend.......especially as you ever know if this girl can keep her mouth shut and not let others into what happened.

Whilst I probably would have exploded as well, its far more effective I've learned to explain why you are so against her smoking - I find that when given the reasons for a particular reason people are more accepting of the decision ....yes you don't have to explain yourself to a 12 year old but you may find that they less willing to go against your word if you do.

As for going to that particular youth club then what's wrong in letting her go? The worst thing I've found is trying to make a child go somewhere where they have no interest in going - if your daughter is that bright then she will soon get bored and decide to do something else instead.

By the way she shouldn't be in your grip - I would have had more sympathy if you said influence - you may find that if you try and control her too much then she will kick against you and not reach her potential just to spite you.