A little advice needed please Re 12 Yr old

gairlochgal

We've had a really difficult year with my now 13 year old going through a horrible, horrible time. I had a counselling session with a really wise guy a few months ago and he said the first time he really knew his own daughter was growing up was when she lied to him about something important. My daughter has lied about all sorts of silly things and we're almost joking about it now. Certainly we keep talking about how trust is a big deal.

I am working on giving my daughter some space to make mistakes, making my expectations clear wherever I can, and keeping the channels of communication open. I read a great book which said you should see your parenting role at this stage as being more like a coach, advising and supporting and helping them put things right.

Thriftkitten

Thanks to all who have spent time to respond to MY < big letters< problem, I can now see that I totally over reacted and should have handled it a little differently, my 2 daughters and I have had a lovely day, first visiting the local ribbons, bows etc shop for some material to make our own xmas stockings, we have spent the whole day together on the sofa stitching xmas reindeer, gingerbread men and even a pretty dove, I honestly can't remember a day when we all spent the whole day without some kind of snipeing at eachother, kids arguing and me feeling flustered about it all. I have talked to DS1 and explained that I was sorry for backing her into a corner and that hopefully she will next time not feel so pressured to do something she didn't really want to do, she apologised again and we agreed it was all water under the bridge so to speak.
Once again sincere thanks to all who reminded me I need to losen the apron strings and guide NOT lead!!!!!

Lunar_Eclipse

Thriftkitten wrote: »

It has to do with the fact that before the youth club where the other friends go she was enrolled in her theatrical group and strived to do her best, just recently she only wants to hang around with the girls who are not interested in working hard at school and are not on the gifted and talented register for her year....
Don't bite my head off I was only saying that she seems to be slipping through my fingers and not wanting to keep up with the hard work, she would rather hang around with the crowd that aern't overly bothered about doing well.

I'm sure you know this, but try to remember that being gifted and working hard are completely unrelated. Also, I'm not convinced you really know your DD's friends "are not interested in working hard at school" unless you are one of their teachers!

I have two gifted children academically. It's basically innate intelligence that people are born with and is thus unrelated to their work ethic. As a parent, it's important we only praise effort based achievement since their ability is nothing they control and makes them no better or worse than any of their peers. So for example, an A grade for a gifted student isn't as great as it sounds, since they should really be achieving A*; it is however utterly fantastic for a child of 'average ability.'

That said, I understand your disappointment. I think the only thing you can do is keep communication lines open and discuss peer pressure and how she can deal with certain situations that could arise (role play even.) I talk to my children about positive and negative influences and a 'work hard, play hard' ethos, ideally in that order about 80% of the time.

Keep letting her know how much you trust her to 'do the right thing' and try not to make judgments on friends or social life if school work is maintained at a high level etc. Signs of apathy, inappropriate language, smoking etc could have consequences that she might not like for instance. Tough times ahead I suspect.

balletshoes

Thriftkitten wrote: »

Oh I don't know, just a mixture of disappointment and losing my little girl, she is growing too fast and I feel like she is slipping from my grip!!.

Aw bless you, I'd feel exactly the same - but you know, I read your post, and put myself in your 12-year olds shoes (because that was me, but I had my first and only cig at 10 :eek:). I was also a top student, didn't hang around with a bad crowd etc, its something most kids try, along with alcohol. I'm not condoning it, but lets be honest, one cig, you found her out, and she's no doubt absolutely sh**ting herself thinking about how you're going to punish her.

She is growing up, but she's still a child too, and she is going to tell you lies as she grows up. Most teenagers/young adults don't want their parents knowing everything they're doing - it takes all the fun out of it!

She's not going off the rails, she's just starting to explore life. Now might be a good time, as part of her punishment, to fnd the goriest pictures and literature you can find about lung disease etc and get her to read it all .

balletshoes

Thriftkitten wrote: »

It has to do with the fact that before the youth club where the other friends go she was enrolled in her theatrical group and strived to do her best, just recently she only wants to hang around with the girls who are not interested in working hard at school and are not on the gifted and talented register for her year....
Don't bite my head off I was only saying that she seems to be slipping through my fingers and not wanting to keep up with the hard work, she would rather hang around with the crowd that aern't overly bothered about doing well.

again that could have been me at 12/13 - its just not cool, always striving to do your best academically, thats probably why she finds the youth club crowd fascinating at the moment. It really doesn't mean she won't amount to anything, its just something she's exploring.

Fruball

I don't normally read this board, but saw your post and had to reply.

I am the mother of an 18yr old and 2 little ones.

My 18 year old smoked for a while... when i found out, i marched him up to the local shop, embarrassed him in front of a queue of people and marched back out again with a pack of JPS (strong ones) and made him go in the garden and smoke them in front of me to see if he really thought it was sooooo cool. Now... Given my time again I probably would not do that, however, teens don't come with a manual and we do what we think is right at the time.. It had worked for someone else I knew, so thought it would work for him... it didn't.

He got one ear pierced knowing I have a big issue with it... i made him take it out... he got it done again... i made him take it out... after the 3rd or 4th time I told him how much of his paperround money he had spent on doing it.... he didn't do it again

"ruining her night out and her sleepover" as someone said, is more than acceptable in my opinion. It may make her think twice before she does it again. No doubt her friend won't want to receive the same from her parents so she might think twice too Killing two birds with one stone there hun

Kids WILL try allsorts... my DS has, and doesn't any more... doesn't even drink alcohol much at all, altho he went thru a phase of that too. When he learned the hard way, that going to his saturday job with a steaming hangover was deeply unpleasant

I think some of your replies have been really harsh... but some have been good advice. Take what you can from the replies and ignore any that make you feel inadequate as a parent. Clearly you are not or you wouldn't care what your daughter does... and there are plenty of parents like that around.

Make sure you still do things with your DD (as you already are by having 'making' days) as that will help keep a good bond between you.

Don't worry about her not achieving or doing better than you... worrying won't help that.

Keep smiling and remember that even though your DD is going to do things that are going to upset you but that its all part of growing up and doesn't mean she will turn delinquent!

And good for you to ask advice when something is out of your comfort zone

puppypants

You know, you just might have worse than this to cope with before she is officially an adult, but you will come through the other side with hopefully a well balanced daughter, equipped for life in the outside world. That ultimately is our job as parents. Some guidance, some advice, but a hell of a lot of luck.

My three are now DD 39, DS1 34 and DS2 33, and I like you was a single mum, with no input from my ex, either financial or emotional. He just walked away! All three of mine made wrong choices at times, not always taking the path I hoped they would take. But they were never in trouble with the law, did the best they could academically (which was all I asked - always do your very best) and they all new they could come to me with whatever problems they may have.

My DD, after drifting a bit in direction eventually joined the NHS specialising in ITU nursing. She is now a resuscitation officer at a hospital in Somerset. My DS1, from the age of 9 wanted to be a physicist, he now has a Masters Degree in Physics and has a great job, DS2 was not as academic as the other two and had a terrible time at school because of bullying, but he came through it and is a Drugs Rep for a large medical firm, teaching doctors and consultants about the latest drugs, he is the most caring human being you could ever wish to meet. I am so proud of my children despite the struggles we had in their younger years. Keep the communications open, let them know that you love them whatever THEIR choices in life and you will be rewarded with fantastic people like I have.

Oh, just to add, they all smoked in their teens and saw the light in their twenties. None of them smoke now!!

Best wishes, Rosie X

hitatotatus

Glad to hear you had a great day and turned the situation around :) - I always like to draw a clear line after an incident and move on and not keep bringing it up over and over.
I was given some good advice in the past - Its not what happens to you in life, but your reaction to it and how you choose to deal with it that is important.

Thriftkitten

Frugal wrote: »

I don't normally read this board, but saw your post and had to reply.

I am the mother of an 18yr old and 2 little ones.

My 18 year old smoked for a while... when i found out, i marched him up to the local shop, embarrassed him in front of a queue of people and marched back out again with a pack of JPS (strong ones) and made him go in the garden and smoke them in front of me to see if he really thought it was sooooo cool. Now... Given my time again I probably would not do that, however, teens don't come with a manual and we do what we think is right at the time.. It had worked for someone else I knew, so thought it would work for him... it didn't.

He got one ear pierced knowing I have a big issue with it... i made him take it out... he got it done again... i made him take it out... after the 3rd or 4th time I told him how much of his paperround money he had spent on doing it.... he didn't do it again

"ruining her night out and her sleepover" as someone said, is more than acceptable in my opinion. It may make her think twice before she does it again. No doubt her friend won't want to receive the same from her parents so she might think twice too Killing two birds with one stone there hun

Kids WILL try allsorts... my DS has, and doesn't any more... doesn't even drink alcohol much at all, altho he went thru a phase of that too. When he learned the hard way, that going to his saturday job with a steaming hangover was deeply unpleasant

I think some of your replies have been really harsh... but some have been good advice. Take what you can from the replies and ignore any that make you feel inadequate as a parent. Clearly you are not or you wouldn't care what your daughter does... and there are plenty of parents like that around.

Make sure you still do things with your DD (as you already are by having 'making' days) as that will help keep a good bond between you.

Don't worry about her not achieving or doing better than you... worrying won't help that.

Keep smiling and remember that even though your DD is going to do things that are going to upset you but that its all part of growing up and doesn't mean she will turn delinquent!

And good for you to ask advice when something is out of your comfort zone

Thankyou for this it was a lovely message xxxx

ailuro2

Thriftkitten....

is it only me, or is anyone else wondering why she had a lighter in her pocket BEFORE trying her first cigarette....

I am pointing this out because I smoked from the age of 12 till I was nearly thirty. I was top of the class and hung out with kids who worked just as hard as me.

After I'd been caught the first time I soon learned not to leave any evidence lying around, to use perfume, wash my hands, to chew gum ALL the time, not just when I'd been smoking.

The trouble with clever kids is they can also prove smarter at keeping information from you.

A few spot checks on her route home from school would be my first tactic, because making sure she has no money to buy ciggies will just mean she will be finishing off someone else's ciggie.;)

My DD just turned 12, and I'm dreading the first time something like this happens.:(