A little advice needed please Re 12 Yr old

jamespir

she's growing up
but theres no need to embaress her and just cause shes bright doesent mean shes not gonna want to try things cause she wants too look the biz with her mates
from your own volition you say you saw red and flew off the handle perhaps you need to calm down and talk to your daughter about these things rather than shouting at her like a bull in a china shop

warehouse

My daughter is also 12, and I'm finding that my behaviour towards her has to adapt as well. You appear to be treating her like a 6 year old and it looks like she's starting to rebel against you.

What to do now? Take her to the doctors and get him to explain exactly what smoking does to the body. Any doctor will be more than happy to do this.

System

Thriftkitten wrote: »

I didn't tell her to go to her room for any other reason that I was very confused and angry at what had happened and needed to clear my head and not hear any more lies, also give her the chance to figure out how to tell me the truth.

Don't mind me, I think I'm just wallowing in disappointment that she is veering off the course she once found so rewarding and kept the nagging mum proud!!!

you need to ease up or this wont be the only issue you have ! you appear to be putting so much pressure on a 12 yr old that she may well rebel big time.

sjc80

Sounds to me like you are a good mum. Think we are all on a learning curve as our children reach different stages. I wouldn't beat yourself up about how you handled it, whats done is done. Let her know you are there for her but that her behaviour was unacceptable, let her apologise then move on.

Cissi

Thriftkitten wrote: »

I called her to ask about the lighter, what it was doing in her pocket, at this point they hadnt done anything wrong, she wasnt in trouble I was only asking her why she had one in there and where she got it.... it was after we spoke on the phone about the lighter that she decided to leave the youth club and go out for a cigarrete with her friends.

I think that is perhaps the strongest sign that phoning her up immediately and putting her on the spot in front of her friends wasn't the best thing to do... Easy to say with hindsight, I know, but you'll know to take a step back for next time.

I haven't been in this situation yet as mine are only 6 and 4 - dreading the teenage years! - but I have been exactly in your daughter's situation. I was the bright geek that everything academic came extremely easy to - and wanted desperately to fit in so tried all the mildly naughty things that the "cool" crowd were doing (smoking and later drinking and even tried a joint at 16). Deep down I knew I didn't really want to go down this route - and so did my parents, who showed me that they trusted that I'd make the right choices. In my opinion, keeping the communication lines open and treating her like a responsible adult (within reason and as long as she doesn't do something really stupid) is far more effective than shouting and punishing. She will make mistakes, but if she feels that you're there for her then hopefully she won't make them again.

Good luck!

Thriftkitten

RAS wrote: »

Hi

Does your daughter know that you love her even if she never comes home with another certificate in her life?

To the moon and the stars and back again?

Oh of course she does.... I am very vocal about saying how much I love them both, I was never told this as a child, I knew my mother loved me but due to a violent relationship which battered hers and my character she was never voacally expressive.
I make a very strong point of always telling them how much I love them (saying I love you darling) everytime we part(Not from the top of my lungs infront of her friends either)), I mean bed time, when leaving the house etc etc, they both crawl into my bed for cuddles through the night and we have a very close and friendly relationship, so being pushy through the loss of my own dreams I am not, I am just trying to praise her to help the feel good factor, if she dosent continue in the top group at school it's no tragedy, as long as she is trying I am happy.

escortg3

My daughter is now 20 and was very talented, still is.

But then along came the stroppy teenage years.:eek:

What a shock, but i always tried to put myself in her shoes. i would never show her up in front of her friends, would always wait until we were one to one.

I would listen and her father would go off the rails and shout and scream at her. The end conclusion was she would be honest with me but lie to her father, to tell him what she thought he wanted to hear.

My daughter could and still can tell me anything because she knows we will sit and discuss it.

Communication with father who can not accept what kids get up to these day etc. etc and in my day blah blah blah has broken down.

A good parent is also a good friend. Treat her with repect, dignity and honesty and eventually you will get it back.

Kids definately give us more worries as they get older

poppyscorner

Hi,

I'm not a parent of a child this age my boys are much younger but...... I'm also thinking maybe it would be easier for you both if you could hold how you feel until you've had some time to think things over and rationalise them so to speak in your own head.

She tried a cigarette lots of kids her age do this she made a mistake she has admitted that it was a mistake she said it was awful I doubt she will be in a rush to do it again (I certainly wasn't)

I think if you try and stop her going to the youth club she will just kick back against you it will become more intriguing for her if you ban it and you may find she gives up all other clubs in order to go to this one and you have already said that isn't what you want for her.

Don't get me wrong I completely understand your dissappointment and shock at what she did. I can also see you are somehow blaming yourself for the whole thing, stop blaming yourself it's not your fault its part of growing up pushing boundaries a bit and generally doing things they shouldn't I agree with the others sit down with her and have a grown up conversation with her about why you wouldnt want her to smoke give her the facts about smoking and try and gauge how she feels now, I think if you do this you will teach her that its ok to discuss these things with you and you aren't gonna fly off the handle about things.

Please don't feel like any of my post is getting at you I'm not I promise I know it can be hard to think straight when you're in the midst of something which is stressing you out we've all been there.

HTH xx

DVardysShadow

Thriftkitten wrote: »

I will say that I was surprised and overwhelmed and unfortunately handled it wrong, however I had no-one to turn to at time of night and my feelings got the better of me!

At 12 years old, there are probably very few remaining things which can't be left for 24 hours. By that age, they can cross the road and know not to put their fingers in electric sockets. So you don't really need to worry about mechanical and electrical deaths, just moral hazards, which can be dealt with on a much longer time scale than immediately.

hitatotatus

I agree with most of the comments here also.
You need to keep the lines of communication open so she can come to you, but you have to realise she will not come to you with everything, and have to respect that. My son has started keeping things to himself and I have found him lying to my face. I have said I don't want to know everything and that everyone has secrets (watching naughty ladies doing outrageous things with balloons being one of them!!!!:eek:), but if I ask him something directly - I expect him to tell me the truth.
We are working on that.

Accept you are coming to a new point in your relationship with your daughter and adapt - what works for an 11 year old definitely doesn't work for a 12/13 year old IMO. Give her respect and in that way you are teaching her by example and eventually it should come back your way - that's my plan anyway!
I am subtlely brainwashing my boy by often mentioning "I know you will make the right choices/do the right thing" or "did you hear about such and such happening" and gauging his response. We have also watched some of those programmes showing awful drunken behaviour and discussed what we both think of it - but you have to let them make their own mistakes - as we did, and give them confidence in their ability to challenge their peers and not follow the crowd - the most dangerous thing IMO.

It is inevitable and only natural they will grow away from us - it is our job to prepare them for the adult world and teenage rebellion is all part of it - good luck to you and all of us in the same boat.:beer: