Does there come a point when access should stop?

puddy

be careful with that, children who have inconsistent, unreliable, erratic parents (dad) often develop a higher sense of responsibility which leads to anxiety and fear as an overal emotional state because the constant wrong footing and confusion is too overwhelming for their emotional development.
by 'working on behalf' of someone, even if it is her younger sister, may put her in the role of the 'protector', further overwhelming her with responsibility,

let the adults sort this out and make it clear to her that the adults will sort this out (including dad) and protect her and make her feel better but also let her know that if she feels upset, frightened, confused, uncomfortable, its ok to talk about this, draw something, write something etc etc

kazmc

puddy wrote: »

be careful with that, children who have inconsistent, unreliable, erratic parents (dad) often develop a higher sense of responsibility which leads to anxiety and fear as an overal emotional state because the constant wrong footing and confusion is too overwhelming for their emotional development.
by 'working on behalf' of someone, even if it is her younger sister, may put her in the role of the 'protector', further overwhelming her with responsibility,

let the adults sort this out and make it clear to her that the adults will sort this out (including dad) and protect her and make her feel better but also let her know that if she feels upset, frightened, confused, uncomfortable, its ok to talk about this, draw something, write something etc etc

Oh yes, I didnt think of it from that point of view, god its all so confusing and I feel if I do anything wrong I could really cause my daughter harm
I suppose the most important thing to do is carry on telling her how wonderful she is and giving the biggest cuddles I can when he lets her down...

Errata

kazmc wrote: »

Oh yes, I didnt think of it from that point of view, god its all so confusing and I feel if I do anything wrong I could really cause my daughter harm
I suppose the most important thing to do is carry on telling her how wonderful she is and giving the biggest cuddles I can when he lets her down...

Another important thing is that you validate her feelings. If she's distressed because he's let her down - once again - give her an opening by telling her he's unreliable and irresponsible. She needs to know that it's ok for her to be very angry about him treating her like an inconvenience.

puddy

i cant tell you how much you ARE doing exactly the right thing

firstly you have her welfare at the centre of your decisions and feelings, this is vital
secondly you are asking for advice and open to suggestions, these are huge strengths,
i dont mean to confuse you, i am a bit of a doom monger about these things because i work in it, but i can see that your work and parenting skills will support this child and help her through something which is very diffcult

RacyRed

kazmc wrote: »

That is such a clever idea, I will have a think how to approach that with M, she may well talk to him on 'behalf' of her little sister. Thankyou

No please do not do that, my suggestion was based on M and her little sister having joint outings with their father and sharing their disappointment when he lets them down. If M saw the effect her dad has on her sister is similar to the effect he has on her, then decided FOR HERSELF to speak to her father about the way he treats them, that could be cathartic for her.

This would have to be a subject she raises with you, not the other way round. She musn't be encouraged to take responsibility for her sister, but seeing and sharing her little sister's diappointment might help both girls come to terms with their own feelings about dad.

mum2one

I know this may sound daft, but I think the Florida trip is a godesend, from the aspect that you have a good line of communication with his ex, and as you have sleepovers etc, maybe M speding some quality time with her half sister, give her the break from it all, and from her dad.
It also might give him the kick up the rear he needs, I'm guessing he may expect everything to fall to fall apart when in fact your both working together to put the kids first.

How ur manageing it all I honestly don't know, but whatever the secret is bottle it, ur make a fortune.
Really glad that he didn't let M down 2ngt xx