Does there come a point when access should stop?

kazmc

bit of a long one I'm afraid, sorry...
background...
I am a single mum to a 9 yearold girl (M)
Her dad left me the day I gave birth to her. He moved in with another woman whilst I was in hospital. Bit of a surprise I can tell you :eek: We had been together 5 years, engaged, living together and baby was planned.
He subsequently had another daughter with the new woman.
He didnt really see M for the first year, very very messy breakup which resulted in me losing my home as I was made redundant after M was born and he wanted his share out of the house.
Move forward a few years and M is spending everyother weekend with her dad and stepmum and various holidays abroad. Even though me and her dad dont talk I would never stop contact.
Then just over a year ago the fun and games started. M was bought home early from her dads one weekend cause he had gone missing and there was a load of trouble with the police looking for him and smashing down his front door (all very strange when he is a detective in the CID himself??) That all calmed down after a couple of weeks. The next thing.. I drove M over to their house as they were all off on holiday only to be told he had gone missing again, hadnt been seen for a week!! Had to bring her back home in tears,
and these sorts of episodes carried on for months and months... dad not turning up or turning up hours late. I cannot mention the amount of tears that I have mopped up. I try incredibly hard not to say negative things about him but to be honest that is getting harder.
He then walked out on his wife. M was devasated.
Then he would call M to say he was going back and everything would be ok only for her to call the next morning to be told no he wasnt. Obviously he had met the next 'love of his life'!!
He tells so many lies that M doesnt believe anything that comes out of his mouth. (her words not mine)
Due to all this I arranged for M to see councellors via her school for 3 months which seemed to help. I was in regular contact with the School Home Support unit who advised it was maybe time to stop contact in M's best interests. She was suffering panic attacks which I had to take her to the doctors for, her school work suffered and she even contacted childline to speak to them. I however was incredibly reluctant to stop contact, he is her dad whatever and I strongly believe they should have a relationship.
Anyway fast forward and dad is now living with this new one, M has recently met her and thinks she is great, dad is seeing M but very erratically. I am now in contact with the ex-wife as it is incredibly important that contact me kept up with her step-mum and sister. Her step sister comes for sleepovers etc

Then yesterday he didnt turn up to take her out for her 9th Birthday meal and present shopping. Just went on the missing list again. He didnt phone her to explain, we just sat there all day waiting. We managed to get hold of him late lastnight to be told he had had a big fight with his new girfriend which is why he didnt turn up. My daughter is absolutely heartbroken and desperately wants to see her dad but he has switched all his phones off again.

There are hundreds more examples but I feel that yesterday was just the straw that broke the camels back. enough is enough.
Should I contine to allow access as freely as I do and let my daughter keep being let down and hurt by him or do I make him go through the courts??? I cant keep watching her suffer like this, shes a baby. She loves him but maybe a 6 month break until he sorts himself out??
I really dont know what to do for the best anymore....:(

12bdebt3

I have never seen my real dad and although I have had a good step-dad to replace him, it's never affected my life other than wondering. Often I wonder what he's like and it keeps me optimistic I guess, so it can be a good thing. The only problem with this is your daughter already knows her father. Your daughter knows her father is a let down, she obviously cares for him as she gets upset when he doesn't turn up. If you stop her from seeing him then she could end up resenting you for this. If you allow her to see her dad, even though he seems like a waste of space, she may eventually wise up and resent him. If the resentment his daughter shows him doesn't make him change his ways then maybe he isn't good enough to be her father.

peachyprice

To be honest, I don't think that is your decision to make on behalf of your daughter. It could cause untold damage to her relationship with you because in her eyes you would be punishing her for the failings of her father. At the age of 9 it's a decision she should be allowed to make for herself, with help and support from you.
I think taking it through the courts could cause her even more suffering in the long run, especially as she is at an age where they will take her feelings into consideration.

Perhaps in the short term you could change the way arrangements are made? Instead of telling her he is coming at such and such a time to take her to such and such a place, play it by ear. Get him to phone you when he is on his way then get her ready, if he doesn't phone you know he's not coming and it will save your daughter the heartbreak of sitting waiting. I know it's not ideal for you long term, I'm sure you want to be able to make arrangements for yourself, but it may give your daughter a break from constantly being let down.

Make-it-3

I agree, I think you have tried to be incredibly fair, impartial and accommodating over the years - this man has a dreadful track record. But your daughter is grown up enough to understand for herself now that dad always puts himself first. I would be a little more honest with her about him and ask her what she wants. It maybe more settling for her if she does have a break from him for a while. Would he even put up a fight if she chose not to see him? Good for keeping in touch with your ex-partner's now ex and M's step-sister, do continue these, particularly as they have been a consistent part of her young life.

It will get easier as she gets older as she can start to take decisions for herself as to what kind of man her dad is and learn not to expect too much from him, if she does start to see him again down the line.

scottish_lassy

You cannot make this decision for your daughter at her age. What you can do though is make sure she knows she is loved, has a sense of self worth and that grownups don't always get it right. She will automatically think she is doing something wrong when she isn't her dad's number 1 priority on her birthday - it will take a while for her to see his failings (rather than hers). She just needs a good, stable, solid base which you can provide for her. Just love her loads!!!!

Errata

At 9 years old, she's old enough to understand you explaining to her that dad can be a bit erratic and can't always be relied on. This wouldn't be making negative comments about him, but it wouild be an honest view of what he's like.
It sounds like you need to be very cautious about dad, he has left a row of damaged children in his wake and really shouldn't be given any opportunity to inflict further damage.
Your daughter has had some counselling through school - that's pretty heavy for such a young child, but probably invaluable to her. Have you thought about seeking some counselling for yourself? It could help you see the wood from the trees, which is perhaps what you're struggling with at the moment.

duchy

peachyprice wrote: »

Perhaps in the short term you could change the way arrangements are made? Instead of telling her he is coming at such and such a time to take her to such and such a place, play it by ear. Get him to phone you when he is on his way then get her ready, if he doesn't phone you know he's not coming and it will save your daughter the heartbreak of sitting waiting. I know it's not ideal for you long term, I'm sure you want to be able to make arrangements for yourself, but it may give your daughter a break from constantly being let down.

I'd guess you've not lived with this kind of situation.

It might work with a very young child but at nine a child is old enough to know they are getting messed about.........and do you seriously expect the OP and her daughter to just sit around waiting on him -when they could be doing other things ? It causes resentment and bad feeling and if he knows he doesn't have to make a firm commitment-he'll get even more erratic.

The way I handled it was a set day (say for example every other Saturday afternoon) He knew he was expected at those times and stuck to them or rearranged in plenty of time -once he realized if he just showed up when he felt like it at other times my son was busy.
This avoided some if not all of the "wonder if Dad will come" stress for my son. Other times could and were arranged but the Saturday afternoons were the norm unless something special or an extra visit was arranged in advance.

This man already sounds unreliable-I really don't see any benefit in the OP enabling his behaviour by staying on constant standby to his whims -and it gives a rubbish example to her daughter about how she should allow men to treat her in later life.

Mme.Hibou

If you're daughter and her step mum's daughter have the same dad, then they are actually half sisters, not step sisters. They are blood related and you're doing a wonderful thing by keeping the contact between them.
I have 2 older brothers from my mum's first marriage so technically half brothers, but there is nothing "half" about our relationship, I adore them.

grey_lady

If the School Home Support unit have advised its in your daughters best interests to stop contact, she's having panic attacks and calling childline - then I think yes, stop contact for now before any more emotional trauma is inflicted on your daughter.

kazmc

Lydia82 wrote: »

If you're daughter and her step mum's daughter have the same dad, then they are actually half sisters, not step sisters. They are blood related and you're doing a wonderful thing by keeping the contact between them.
I have 2 older brothers from my mum's first marriage so technically half brothers, but there is nothing "half" about our relationship, I adore them.

Yes you're right, they are half sisters!
It has been incredibly difficult having to build a relationship with my daughters stepmum after what happened when my daughter was born but we are adults and I have to put aside my feelings towards her in order for a relationship to continue with the whole step family... stepmum, half-sister, step aunts, step grandparents. How could I let her lose all that because of how I felt?? I wont pretend its been easy but necessary

gratefulforhelp_2

I very much disagree that she should make this decision herself. If it went to court, she would be unlikely to be given overall control of the decision at her age (though there is no "cut-off" age).

I do think you should consider what is in her best interests, and I also think you should take detailed notes of every occurrence and take down all the evidence you can. The reason for this is IF you end up in court you can show why you have decided to reduce/limit contact.

For the time being, can you limit rather than stop contact? For example have contact daytime only, or only at your house?

My unreliable ex has to telephone the night before to confirm contact, no 'phone call, no contact (on the advice of a solicitor I should say).

Maybe you could do this for a fixed period and review it, that way you do not cut off their relationship but you may bring him up short and make him think about the consequences of his actions?