Does there come a point when access should stop?

kazmc

RAS wrote: »

Hi

You needs some support when you are dealing with such distress.

And M needs help to tell daddy how much it hurts, preferably with you not there to "muddy" the waters in terms of emotional entanglements.

Is you ex aware that M is having counselling to cope with the feelings she has about this relationship?

Is there any way her counsellor could empower her to tell him, in a neutral place? I know he might not turn up but.....

Yes my ex is aware, he was called into a meeting with the Home School Support worker a few months ago but said he didnt know what he was talking about.
My daughters councilling sessions through the school have now ended but I have today contacted the support worker to explain what has been happening to see if we can start the sessions up again. She was however really lucky to get on the sessions before as places are extremely limited, so fingers crossed this time!
x

kazmc

Charlie1978 wrote: »

What about M writing daddy a letter? I'm not entirely sure if it would have any effect on how he is with her but it might very well may do. Either way it would help for her to get it all out.

You have my sympathy though. It's hard work trying to do the right thing for your children when natural instincts mean you want to protect them. But sometimes you can protect them too much I think.

We have done the letter thing and it was a disaster!
M spent a week writing the most heart rendering letter you have ever read, it was pages long with lots of pictures. She built up the courage for weeks to give it to him and in the end we managed to arrange for when he picked her up she would pretend she had forgotten something whilst leaving the letter with him so he could read it whilst she was looking for the 'forgotten' item indoors.
She stood peering out the window at him reading it and I thought she was going to pass out from sheer worry. When she was later dropped home she was distraught that he didnt mention it and has never mentioned it. Weeks later she noticed it on the mantlepiece of her stepmums house, he hadnt even bothered to take it home after visiting his other daughter.
We got the letter back and the support worker was given a copy.
So I'm afraid if I even mention the word letter M hits the roof and says whats the point

RAS

kazmc wrote: »

Yes my ex is aware, he was called into a meeting with the Home School Support worker a few months ago but said he didnt know what he was talking about.

I think then that it may only be when your daughter feels able to tell him that it hits home, but do not hold your breath.

My beloved pa battered me and until the end of his days never understood why I did not want to be around someone who nearly killed me and did not care. It was all my mother's fault.

FBaby

I think you are a brilliant mum and I agree with you that stopping contact might be the most obvious way forward but not forceably the best. She clearly loves her dad, so stopping all contact might stop the disappointment of being let down, but it won't stop the ache of not having the relationship with him she wished she had.

Her dad has some personal issues and it would seem he is likely to change. However, he probably is a good dad in some kind of way, even if basic, because otherwise your daugther wouldn't look so much forward to spending time with him. Maybe you could remind her of that, that her dad is special to her, letting her talk about why he is a good dad, but then saying that his 'bad' point is that he is totally unreliable and that's just the way he is. How about giving her more control over their relationship, maybe letting her have a mobile, only to contact her dad. He might find it harder to let her down if he organises things with her directly (obviously with your approval too). Then you can decide together on an alternative plan if he doesn't show up. For exemple, he is supposed to pick her up Saturday at 1pm, you agree that you will give him until 2pm to show up (trying to contact him or not), and if at 2pm he isn't there, you will go out together shopping or cinema. She definitely will have to learn that he isn't a perfect dad and hopefully, as she becomes a teenager, she will learnt to expect nothing more than what he can give, still loving him and being pleased to have some contact with him, but not relying on him to make her happy.

meritaten

RAS wrote: »

I think then that it may only be when your daughter feels able to tell him that it hits home, but do not hold your breath.

My beloved pa battered me and until the end of his days never understood why I did not want to be around someone who nearly killed me and did not care. It was all my mother's fault.

OMG RAS! I am so sorry about this - but you come across as a really well balanced caring person!!!!!!...........not sure if I have insulted you or complimented you? but, having read many of your posts I just felt like I had been hit on the head by a sack of bricks!

gairlochgal

I have been through some of this with my ex who has lost the plot for the last year or so. He had stable contact with my DDs for 7 years but then other things in his life seemed to get in the way - plus I think as they have got older they expect more and aren't content with being parked in front of the telly. Anyhow, they started complaining and I went out of my way to keep things going as I wanted them to have contact with him. I now think I should have been a lot harder earlier as my 13 yr old is really brokenhearted by the way he treats her, and the 10 yr old wants to take him on Jeremy Kyle to get yelled at for being a bad father.

I think there's a complicated balance you have to think through - weighing up the importance of her seeing her dad against your own approach as a parent. I now think I have let my ex treat our daughters really badly purely to keep him in their lives, and it may have done more harm than good. There comes a point where you just see the child getting more and more hurt, and you wouldn't let anyone else treat them like that, would you?

mum2one

RadoJo wrote: »

I just wanted to add something - whilst any attempt to avoid saying negative things about your DD's Dad is admirable, I think you can take it too far. If she instigates the discussion and says negative things about her Dad, she might be looking for reassurance from you that the poor behaviour is on his part and in no way reflects upon her - it may be hard to gauge, but you sound as though you have a very close relationship with your daughter, so I'm sure you will find a way to support/reassure her without actually influencing her, and it will be easier for her to understand her Dad's behaviour if you can openly talk about how the way he treats her feels.

My Mum also made a huge effort not to say anything bad about my Dad, and I admire her for it especially as it must have been REALLY difficult at times. But, sometimes I needed confirmation that it was his behaviour which was bad to reassure me that I hadn't 'asked for it' or contributed to the way he treated me. It's not easy, but it can be done and in your daughter's position it might help both of you to be honest - I don't mean a full on character assassination, but something along the lines of 'That wasn't a nice way for your Dad to treat you, and I'm sorry that he upset you. He doesn't mean to, but sometimes it's hard to him to understand that it makes you sad when he doesn't show up.' Now you might think that he knows full well how his behaviour impacts on your daughter, but she's probably just a little bit too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships and would appreciate knowing that you understand how she feels.

Hope you don't think I'm being cheeky, but I just wanted to say a big thank you - I'm guessing you've seen it through the eyes as a child being in the situation, and your the other side of the coin.
You've mad things clearer for me, as dd ocassionally mentions her dad, only becoz the last time he "kicked off" the police were involved, I'd sent her upstairs to play while I spoke to the police and gave a statement, but she came down to fetch some stuff from the dining room, (unknown to me at the time) and obviously overheard part of the conversation, then she had the be safe lecture, it was so hard as in one breath I was saying go out and ride your bike, but the other, someone has to be out there with you. She asked was her dad violent..... and I try to answer the best I can, but from your post, needs to be a degree of honeslty even at a simple level. x

mum2one

Kazmac - Your doing an absolutely wonderful job, and your an inspiration, with everything you have been through, most people would want to put the knife it, but you have done everything to bend overbackwards for ex-hubby.

Your daughter has to come 1st in all this, which from your posts, screams out that is what you are doing, I guess it was easier for me as dd has had no contact, so she has not missed out but whereas your daughter has. Not meaning to sound horrible about your ex, but a concern for me would be this wondering off moments that he has, - ok he may be stressed, he hasn't got the easiest job in the world. But what you have to think is, if M was with him say for an overnight visit, and he had one of his walkouts - that could and I would really knock her for 6, obviously there may be a pattern to his behaviour, but he is a parent, he has responsibilities, not just when they suit. As the other poster said, - In a way it was an eye opener as she had obviosuly been in the position similiar to your daughter, but to get a prospective from someone who has been there, makes me more inclined to say the visiting needs to be knocked on the head for now, and get M back on the straight and narrow.
Please take care, I do apologise for hacking into your thread, x

red_devil

sounds like he needs counselling not your daughter.

RacyRed

You are doing a fantastic job, thank goodness your DD has one level headed and caring parent to compare her selfish Dad with as she gets older.

Would it be possible to negate the impact of his no shows by organising contact with M to be at the same time as contact with her half sister?

I appreciate that this would be complicated but, if half sister's Mum is experiencing the same problems, (and for M's sake I hope that this is the case), then arranging for the girls to meet up and enjoy each other's company would take the edge off it a bit if Dad doesn't show up. They would then have the chance to talk to each other about how it makes them feel.

If it is presented to Dad along the lines of, both girls are doing such and such on this or that day, they would love you to take them. If he has any shred of humanity then letting both girls down at the same time would be unthinkable, but if he does let them down, one or other or both Mums could step in. The girls still have their time together, have some fun and the hurt caused by Dad not showing up is lessened.

As M is the older girl, helping her little sister through shared disappointment might also help her see through the emotional blackmail her Dad is subjecting them to is what he is very very selfishly doing to her.

kazmc wrote:

lastnight M was sobbing and saying she knows deep down she really loves him but she wants to be really angry with him as well cause he keeps being mean to her. She said she doesnt want him to know she is angry with him because he might stop loving her and then never turn up
I have tried my best to reassure her that that would never happen and that maybe it would help daddy to see how much it hurts her if she tells him but she is so scared of him walking away altogether...

This is so unhealthy. Maybe she would find it easier to express her anger to her Dad if it is on behalf of her younger sister than for herself?

One thing I would definately be doing is laying down the terms of contact for your ex. He is too unreliable and volatile to be allowed to just pick her up and take her wherever, or to have her stay over night. He has introduced her to the new woman in his life, what happens when that relationship breaks up? More disappointment for your girl. No, arrange joint outings and invite him to take the girls, then step in if he doesn't show.

My heart goes out to both you and M, what an awful situation to be in. If you and his most recent ex are able to work together to minimise the dreadful effect this heartless man is having on your daughters then that has to be worthwhile.