Stopped Paying

clearingout

It is rare I have anything good to say about my ex but I think what he has done is relevant in this context.

Long story but ex all but abandoned me whislst pregnant with our 3rd child - had a successful business and plenty of money but refused point blank to make any contribution to the family home or the children. Despite me getting a court order for him to pay the mortgage, he didn't and it had to be sold. He tried to gain residency of the children with a load of lies, clearly telling other people he wasn't paying the mortgage so I'd be homeless and I'd have no choice but to 'give' him the children - we had a 50/50 shared care arrangement in place at that time.

I decided I need to move nearer to family - 265 miles away from where we were living where my substantial settlement and help from my mum meant I could live mortgage free. I'd have been in council accommodation where we used to live as with credit in ruins and very little work for some years (had been self employed myself and had only been part-time since having children), there was no way I was getting a mortgage.

To be fair, my ex had run his business into the ground (I think in an attempt to stop me getting anything in the divorce but also out of poor business sense and going on holiday constantly with the girlfriend and getting the company to pay - his business should, largely, have been recession proof), but once he realised the courts would allow me to move, he decided he was coming too.

So, our children now have the benefit of two parents living in close proximity, both without mortgages and therefore some sense of security. Their father still doesn't pay any maintenance but does now appear to be working, albeit on a temporary contract, in work that is about 20 years beneath his experience and qualifications - I guess sooner or later the CSA will catch up with that. I hate him being so close for me, but it's the right thing for the children. It can be done. It would have been far easier for my ex to stay put, become bitter about the distance etc. etc. but he did what he needed to do for the boys. His priorities are screwed in so many ways, but sometimes, amongst all his crap, he gets things right!

SingleSue

diabolical wrote: »

Can i state a fact here, we didn't move away to avoid payments, we just wouldn't do that, and, my husband has never not wanted to pay for his child, he's always seen it as paying for his child and not the ex, it helps him feel part of her life, and she knows her dad pays her mum money to help look after her.
Also, we moved away 3yrs ago and have never not once missed a payment, infact it increased, so all these bitter PWC please read what i write before jumping in with your answers.
Another fact, due to the nature of hubbys work we spend many weekends in the Uk, his company pays for flights so again no problems, another fact, he has bent over backwards offering the ex plane tickets to bring the wee one over on every school holiday she has had since we have been here.

She's bitter, she is jealous, she has damned my husbands name to everyone and anyone who would listen, but you know what, when its been possible for him to speak to his little girl she has told him she loves him, misses him (and me) and wishes her mum wouldn't be so angry.

And were still not going to pay her a penny until somehow this gets sorted once and for all.

Please, please, I urge you to think again....this move could prove disasterous for your husband and his future relationship with his daughter.

You may think you can explain it all when she is older but she is at a very impressionable age right now and the damage that could be done, may well not be able to be undone later on.

At this moment in time, all you are really doing is bringing yourself and your husband down to her level and fighting fire with fire...something that very rarely works, especially with a spherical object crushing ex wife and it can and probably will go very very wrong.

I know you feel you are being held to ransom but sometimes, you just have to smile sweetly, swallow it and wait for your time.

AnxiousMum

FBaby wrote: »

I do respect that sometimes, there really is no choice but to move far away, but to I struggle to believe that it doesn't affect the children. It's not about keeping in touch with phone calls etc..., it's about feeling part of the family and that is really hard to do when you only visit 2 or 3 times a year and you feel that your dad's house is no more familiar than a hotel and all the things they do and take for granted are so foreign to you. Yes sometimes you have no choice but I think believing it is not going to affect the kids significantly is being in denial.

When circumstances dictate - then yes, it is about keeping in touch with phone calls etc. - my second eldest has just gone to university - and we chat online or on phone at least every couple of days. So far, it has been a 50/50 contact - him getting in touch with me - just to say hi and let me know how his day has gone, or me getting in touch with him. I know what he's doing today, I know what his plans are for the weekend.......his dad has no idea.

Had I not lost my job in Canada due to my ex (if kids were sick on days where they were with him, I'd have to cancel my shift as he was taking them to school anyways - despite him being self employed and rescheduling being very easy. My job on the other hand was 12 hour shifts, and was considered 'essential services' for emergency services.......too many cancellations due to ex literally 'dumping' sick children at school - and I was considered unreliable. It was however in our access court order that he got to have this time with the kids, so I couldn't deny having to rely on him), then I'd have never have had to move for work reasons in the first place.

When the move came up - his only response was 'well they can move if I don't have to pay child support and can get on with my life'.......hmmmmmmm what was his priority?

If my kids had EVER been a priority in their dad's life, then we'd likely still be together to begin with....but they weren't, and they aren't.

FBaby

diabolical wrote: »

my husband has never not wanted to pay for his child, he's always seen it as paying for his child and not the ex, it helps him feel part of her life, and she knows her dad pays her mum money to help look after her.

So are you saying that it is you calling the shots despite what your partner believes in???

FBaby

AnxiousMum wrote: »

When circumstances dictate - then yes, it is about keeping in touch with phone calls etc. - my second eldest has just gone to university - and we chat online or on phone at least every couple of days. So far, it has been a 50/50 contact - him getting in touch with me - just to say hi and let me know how his day has gone, or me getting in touch with him. I know what he's doing today, I know what his plans are for the weekend.......his dad has no idea.

Had I not lost my job in Canada due to my ex (if kids were sick on days where they were with him, I'd have to cancel my shift as he was taking them to school anyways - despite him being self employed and rescheduling being very easy. My job on the other hand was 12 hour shifts, and was considered 'essential services' for emergency services.......too many cancellations due to ex literally 'dumping' sick children at school - and I was considered unreliable. It was however in our access court order that he got to have this time with the kids, so I couldn't deny having to rely on him), then I'd have never have had to move for work reasons in the first place.

When the move came up - his only response was 'well they can move if I don't have to pay child support and can get on with my life'.......hmmmmmmm what was his priority?

If my kids had EVER been a priority in their dad's life, then we'd likely still be together to begin with....but they weren't, and they aren't.

I don't want to comment specifically on your case because each situation is different, but I don't think you can compare a teenager who has gone to Uni and therefore had many years to build a strong relationship with his resident parent with a 8 year old who has no control over when she might see her dad. It doesn't help when there are time zones in the way.

AnxiousMum

FBaby wrote: »

I don't want to comment specifically on your case because each situation is different, but I don't think you can compare a teenager who has gone to Uni and therefore had many years to build a strong relationship with his resident parent with a 8 year old who has no control over when she might see her dad. It doesn't help when there are time zones in the way.

No you can't.....however not all who move away do it for ulterior motives......this op's husband obviously wants to maintain as much of a relationship with his daughter as possible........it's just unfortunate they weren't able to put enforceable measures into place when the move took place. I'm fully aware that time zones can wreak havoc as well - but as in my case, it's not always the parent who has moved away who is the bad guy! lol - as I said, my ex husband stated they could go if he didn't have to pay child support......I would think that a decent parent would fight tooth and nail to have full custody of their child/children. The OP, while I don't agree with what she is planning to do, has a husband who wants a relationship with his child, and you, me or anybody else have no idea the reasons behind their move. Maybe like me, it was so that they could actually provide for their family rather than sit on benefits and let everybody else do it for them.

FBaby

If it had been the OP partner who had come and explained his feelings and frustration, I think the responses would have been very different. However, it is the OP who posted her views on something that she shouldn't be deciding upon, no matter how much she loves her partner. I know my partner is frustrated with the fact that my ex doesn't pay any maintenance and gets angry when I get upset about it, and because he is can detached himself emotionally with better ease, I know he thinks I should go straight to the csa, but he never mentioned it or told me what I should do because he knows it's not for him to decide.

kezzygirl

shegirl wrote: »

It's not about either of them.It's about the child and it's about time people started bloody realising that!

right, so what do u expect the op to do if the pwc is being a tw*t and not thinking of the little girl?wade in and say 'oh,hang on a minute, dont be like that,think of your daughter'...and what do you think the pwc will say?'keep you nose out shes not your daughter' which will in turn fuel more arguments and more c*ap for the little girl to deal with and they will be in the same situation that they are in now!the op cannot dictate who or what the aforementioned pwc does and so how can you say its about time they started realising it is about the child?

its completely up to the individual and as i have stated previously, is all relative to peoples situations!no two cases are the same!

CSA_Help

diabolical wrote: »

''Whine'' are you serious, and we should move should we, well i'll make sure to pass that onto his old boss whose company went down the pan a few years ago and made my husband redundant, its all his fault my husband has a bitter ex!

Infact, can we come and live with you in your world, cheers.

Not likely would get an earfull if i breathed the wrong way:)

Joking aside though i know 2 wrongs dont make a right but don't let your oh's ex dictate what he can and cant do and also you for that matter.

Keep in regular phone contact

Put the withdrawn money aside and send cards etc phone etc.


That will rile the oh's ex up also:rotfl:


Stay calm and support your partner through this difficult time.

HiTo

diabolical wrote: »

''Whine'' are you serious, and we should move should we, well i'll make sure to pass that onto his old boss whose company went down the pan a few years ago and made my husband redundant, its all his fault my husband has a bitter ex!

Infact, can we come and live with you in your world, cheers.

I wouldn't move away from my children EVER. They ARE the most important thing, more important that any job or amount of money.

If its one thing I've learned along the way, play nice with ex, they have the power to do pretty much what they like.

Stopping payments will do nothing, in fact she'll probably love it, telling your husbands daughter what a bad father he is because he doesn't pay any money for her.

"So iv put my foot down now and told him to end the payments, stop all contact, and wait till she realises he's stopped putting the cash in her bank and see what she does"


Tell your husband to grow a pair.