Poverty = My MIL

liuhut

ddebski_us wrote: »

Can I ask what your OH is doing about it? It's his mum too.

xDx

I was just thinking the same thing...

Good luck x

newyearnewme_2

Have you checked she is getting any benefits that she is entitled to?

Could you have her to stay for a weekend to give her a break from the son, buy some nice food in for her and maybe get her to bring her washing?

Tropez

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

I'm not saying she is choosing it....but she could choose to change it...she knows Lauren is out there and wanting to help - all it takes is a phone call

The problem is though that there are too many people out there who "don't want to be a bother", or are too "proud" to admit they need help and while one can argue that they're choosing to live like this or they are choosing not to change it the fact doesn't change that the way they are living is detrimental to their own wellbeing. Sometimes people do have to step in and try and convince people to stop and just look at the mess they have gotten themselves into and then look at a way of fixing it.

Being a grown up doesn't automatically instill common sense into people, nor does it change their personality. If the OPs MIL is living with someone with a violent personality disorder as has been stated here then it becomes even clearer why MIL may not desire to include others into her life; she could possibly even see it as protecting those around her from the BIL.

Loopy_Girl

Tropez wrote: »

The problem is though that there are too many people out there who "don't want to be a bother", or are too "proud" to admit they need help and while one can argue that they're choosing to live like this or they are choosing not to change it the fact doesn't change that the way they are living is detrimental to their own wellbeing. Sometimes people do have to step in and try and convince people to stop and just look at the mess they have gotten themselves into and then look at a way of fixing it.

Being a grown up doesn't automatically instill common sense into people, nor does it change their personality. If the OPs MIL is living with someone with a violent personality disorder as has been stated here then it becomes even clearer why MIL may not desire to include others into her life; she could possibly even see it as protecting those around her from the BIL.

Have you read the very long previous thread that Lauren posted previously? She doesn't want to change...Lauren has offered to have her stay, clean the house for her, have a word with the Son etc etc and it's all met with a wall of apathy.

Whilst it's a shame she is living like this, it's not Lauren's place to go in all guns blazing and get things changed.

Sorry but I think it's ridiculous that a woman would think it's acceptable to have no heating in her home and be going to work in wet clothes. The woman is not an imbicile - she knows right from wrong.

LilacLouisa

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Have you read the very long previous thread that Lauren posted previously? She doesn't want to change...Lauren has offered to have her stay, clean the house for her, have a word with the Son etc etc and it's all met with a wall of apathy.

Whilst it's a shame she is living like this, it's not Lauren's place to go in all guns blazing and get things changed.

Sorry but I think it's ridiculous that a woman would think it's acceptable to have no heating in her home and be going to work in wet clothes. The woman is not an imbicile - she knows right from wrong.

Is she a smoker who spends a lot of her available money on cigarettes? I had a close relation like this, in fact she came to my home most days of the week to help me.

She was a really lovely person and would put herself out to help anyone else, but it was hard to get her to accept help herself.

We used to sneak money into her handbag, we used to buy things she liked, cigarettes, perfume, chocolates, but we had to pretend that we had managed to get them unbelievably cheaply or she would be upset and woudn't accept them.

We used to buy her boots with a good sole on them to keep her upright in the icy weather, nice jumpers and trousers for her at Christmas. She used to have breakfast and at least one other meal with us, sometimes two. We used to get things and pretend I had bought too much and couldn't use them. She used to be a bit reproachful and tell me she couldn't abide waste!

What I am getting round to is that she smoked so heavily over the years that she was deeply in debt, borrowing off people who came to your home with the money, then she would borrow off another one to repay the first.

We never knew the true extent of her debt until she died.

She had lived a life where she always made do with anything until it finally dropped to bits and had become used to it. She eventually lost the little house she had rented very cheaply, and was moved into a council wardened bedsit.

When she told me she had been so cold in her cottage the last winter, I could have cried, she could so easily have moved in with us, we had plenty of rooms that she could have her own rooms.

My brother and mother and her brother tried to make sure she was ok, but we never knew how deeply in debt she was.

Is it possible that your MIL may have something that takes her money too, maybe not smoking, but bingo, gambling of some kind, loans?

It may be nothing of the sort, but obviously it does happen.

Tropez

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Have you read the very long previous thread that Lauren posted previously? She doesn't want to change...Lauren has offered to have her stay, clean the house for her, have a word with the Son etc etc and it's all met with a wall of apathy.

Whilst it's a shame she is living like this, it's not Lauren's place to go in all guns blazing and get things changed.

Sorry but I think it's ridiculous that a woman would think it's acceptable to have no heating in her home and be going to work in wet clothes. The woman is not an imbicile - she knows right from wrong.

You don't have to be an imbecile to make mistakes or to do things that are detrimental to your own well being. Millions of people do them every day; it is just that in some cases the extent to which they are willing or able to damage themselves goes beyond any realm of normality.

There are a lot of people, believe it or not, that have no heating in their home due to various reasons, some of which they are able to control, others in which they are not. It may be the general consensus that this is unacceptable but for others it is something that they live with, rightly or wrongly.

I have not read the previous thread, or at least have no recollection of doing so, but nonetheless, if this issue is causing any sort of anxiety to the OP then it has to be tackled one way or another. While the MIL may indeed be the architect of her own demise, too often people are unwilling to accept that their actions directly impact on the mental (and sometimes physical) wellbeing of others and as there is a previous thread, then dismissing genuine concerns of the OP based on the fact that the MIL should be able to fend for herself is somewhat skirting the issue, in my opinion.

It may well be that there are things going on here of which nobody else is aware, including the OP. A wall of apathy, as you describe it, may indeed be the MIL indicating no desire to change her ways, or it could also be symptomatic of a delusion within the MIL that her current standard of living is not cause for concern, or perhaps even the result of fear of things that may happen were others to become involved in her life in such a manner.

I would not advocate an all guns blazing approach but neither would I be so dismissive of what is clearly a serious issue for the OP. Clearly the BIL in this instance holds some sort of power over the MIL and is willing to abuse that power for his own ends. While the MIL may have been dismissive of any attempt to talk to him by the OP, people with violent tendencies and untreated and uncontrolled mental health problems pose a serious threat even at the best of times and it may well be that the MIL is seeking to protect the OP and anyone else from being exposed to any form of aggressive backlash; this is an unfortunately common occurrence.

As the OP holds such concerns and cannot simply rid herself by accepting that this is how MIL and BIL choose to live then there are avenues that could be explored for her peace of mind, including, if it is considered necessary, an action under Section 7 of the Mental Health Act.

tori.k

Playing the DA, could she just be saying these things? as you are so far away
My MIL told my SIL ( who lives about the same distance) that she only had £50 to live off a week and was only able to eat once a day,... the truth is she has £130 a week just for food/clothes shopping so more disposible income then either my SIL or myself.
She like's to play the martyr i think in hoping it will someway get SIL to move closer to home

msfoxymax

Tropez wrote: »

You don't have to be an imbecile to make mistakes or to do things that are detrimental to your own well being. Millions of people do them every day; it is just that in some cases the extent to which they are willing or able to damage themselves goes beyond any realm of normality.

There are a lot of people, believe it or not, that have no heating in their home due to various reasons, some of which they are able to control, others in which they are not. It may be the general consensus that this is unacceptable but for others it is something that they live with, rightly or wrongly.

I have not read the previous thread, or at least have no recollection of doing so, but nonetheless, if this issue is causing any sort of anxiety to the OP then it has to be tackled one way or another. While the MIL may indeed be the architect of her own demise, too often people are unwilling to accept that their actions directly impact on the mental (and sometimes physical) wellbeing of others and as there is a previous thread, then dismissing genuine concerns of the OP based on the fact that the MIL should be able to fend for herself is somewhat skirting the issue, in my opinion.

It may well be that there are things going on here of which nobody else is aware, including the OP. A wall of apathy, as you describe it, may indeed be the MIL indicating no desire to change her ways, or it could also be symptomatic of a delusion within the MIL that her current standard of living is not cause for concern, or perhaps even the result of fear of things that may happen were others to become involved in her life in such a manner.

I would not advocate an all guns blazing approach but neither would I be so dismissive of what is clearly a serious issue for the OP. Clearly the BIL in this instance holds some sort of power over the MIL and is willing to abuse that power for his own ends. While the MIL may have been dismissive of any attempt to talk to him by the OP, people with violent tendencies and untreated and uncontrolled mental health problems pose a serious threat even at the best of times and it may well be that the MIL is seeking to protect the OP and anyone else from being exposed to any form of aggressive backlash; this is an unfortunately common occurrence.

As the OP holds such concerns and cannot simply rid herself by accepting that this is how MIL and BIL choose to live then there are avenues that could be explored for her peace of mind, including, if it is considered necessary, an action under Section 7 of the Mental Health Act.

Well said!

booter

Hi Laurenjs88 - I hear you - been there, done that, got the T shirt, read the book etc. etc. My MIL, (now dec'd) and now her daughter, my SIL both inhabited this "world". I've tried for years to help, and they really did appreciate it. But now, with just the SIL left, I realised that I really am wasting my time/money/energy on worrying and constantly helping, when she does nothing to help herself and will never ask for help. I could go on ad nauseum about what's happened over the years, but I'd be wasting my energy (again) (and it would wind me up!)

Looking over the posts there's some great advice - mine is to please try and rein yourself in - for your own sanity. I cannot criticise (sp?)- as I say, been there. But you must put YOU first now. Just let her know you're there for her. And come on here to vent if necessary!

laurenjs88

No shes doesnt smoke or anything, he son bascially soaks everything up through his elec usage and food consumption! She was in alot of debt because OH's dad screwed them into the ground and then walked away with his "mistress" I think alot of it is she feels that she doesnt deserve anything nice. If that makes sense, I found out recently that my BIL was sexually absued by his Step brother on access visits when the kids stayed with their dad, BIL was 6 and Step-brother was 12/13 at the time. There was a massive fall out as you can imagine but I think MIL still believes that was her fault? The damage OH's dad done has left lifelong marks as well.

It also doesnt help that bless her finances and getting good deals on stuff isnt somethign she is good at, Mix that in with BIL's aggression and its obvious how she has ended up in the mess she's in.

BIL keeps refusing to see the doctors or the ASW so they cant help with any benefits, Doc thinks he could get DLA which would help but BIL is far to wrapped up in himself.

She doesnt tell us she's having problems which is what upsets me the most because I can help and will help, but she doesnt want us to worry about her! Which just makes me worry more! Its only come out earlier this week because she told OH that her washing machine was broken and he pushed her to find out what was going on.

I've decided to try and book in to a b&b or see if we can stay at his Dad's one weekend and im going to try and get a WM off freecycle and see whatever else I can do! its difficult to do it from here, Or I'm going to go up during the week without OH and just take the kids!

Its difficult because she does want my help and when I am there she will ask for my help on certain things but she wont phone us! I'm goign to make sure OH starts phoning her more often too.
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