How to Deal With Temper Tantrums and Sulks in a Marriage!

Errata

People sulk when they don't have the verbal skills to explain what's upset and/or annoyed them. They need encouragement to say what they want to say but can't. My approach when I was faced with a sulker was 'Oy, what's your game?'
BTW - don't even think about getting a joint mortgage until the OH and you both have your heads buttoned up the right way.

nuttybabe

hi. my hubby is a bit of a sulker!! He was like it when we first met (his mates knew all about his mood swings!!!) and i used to pander to it! That didnt last long! Then I started to slam doors and act really angry and it brought him out of it but thats just not me. Now i just ignore him. I have 3 kids, if he wants to act like one he will be ignored! I cant even remember the last time he got in a sulk so must have worked! Actually, yes i can. Over a year ago! And it was with his family around so has got so much grief about it since!!! :P

belfastgirl23

I just wanted to offer you some light at the end of the tunnel

My DH was a terrible sulker when we met (he once sulked with a family member for six months. And that was living in the same house as them!!) In the early days he sulked a lot with me as well. And for long amounts of time.

Over the years I've encouraged him to try to see what it is he's upset about as opposed to just venting the upset. So if he's being a pain I'll call him on it (nicely) and say something like 'you don't seem to be in good form, is something upsetting you' and give him a chance to have a think about it. If he's not able to articulate what's wrong, sometimes he'll just acknowledge that he's not in a good mood. Sometimes he can't even get that far, in which case i know to give him a wide berth till he can.

I think in the early days I was accidentally escalating things by pushing his buttons in ways that were very familiar from his family. I didn't know I was doing this until we really talked it out. So my advice would be to sit down calmly and ask him what it was in particular that bugged him. As someone above says, you will also need to acknowledge if you're in the wrong about anything. EG do you sort of know he hates shopping but pushed him a bit to come? You need to be careful not to get into defending yourself or your actions, this just gets in the way of the talking. Or you can say 'from my perspective i was trying to...' but really try to listen to what he says and understand.

As I say this is what worked for us in the end up. But the first couple of years are definitely tough. I think keeping offering yourself a way out is dangerous, you've made a commitment here, you can't just give up because it's hard.

Good luck!

paddy's_mum

Could it be that he wants neither the mortgage (since he must know he is sabotaging your chances) nor the marriage?

Money_maker

Not sure how he dare be late with a payment following all the upset last time when you thought he hadn't paid something and he had. Even though it was your mistake, surely the fallout from this would have ensured he was early rather than late paying.

Littlemadam83

Update - I spoke with him last night and we sat down and wrote the reasons for why this was happening and ways to overcome it.

It makes me feel better there are people in the same boat that are dealing with it and being strong, something I am going to have to learn to do. Nipping it in the bud is definitely the way forward.

If he doesnt want a mortgage then we will soon find out. And yes to Money Maker - I really screwed up and we all know that. I do not nag him about these things, and it just came as such a shock when we were declined for a mortgage in principle and told to look at our recent Experian history, to which that popped up. I don't think I can be blamed for that!

bylromarha

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Update - I spoke with him last night and we sat down and wrote the reasons for why this was happening and ways to overcome it.

This is a WE problem, not a HE problem. Not a fun conversation, but one that had to be had. Good on ya OP.

Glad you've been able to tackle it together and hope that you are able to put your solutions into action in a way which benefits you both.

All the best.

PinkPeach

OP, well done for getting together and working out why this is happening. That in itself is a positive step forward - as someone else mentioned it's often hard for people to convey how they are feeling.

I think there are many, many people in less than perfect relationships, it's just something that hardly anyone wants to admit to so you are by no means on your own even though it can feel like it at the time. Good luck with working through this.

Littlemadam83

bylromarha wrote: »

This is a WE problem, not a HE problem. Not a fun conversation, but one that had to be had. Good on ya OP.

Glad you've been able to tackle it together and hope that you are able to put your solutions into action in a way which benefits you both.

All the best.

Aww thank you, that is a really sweet post. Yes the solutions he came up with when we were talking really shocked me, and it was great that together we could work through putting it into place.

xxx

Littlemadam83

Pink Peach - I am so glad that your husbands swings are better. You sound like such a strong woman to have fought for your relationship and helped him get the help he actually needed.

Hubbys dad sounds much the same as your FIL - childish and not a typical father figure! This has definitely had an impression on DH.

Feel free to ever PM me if he throws one and you want to vent. And true to moving to another room when it happens, as I hate being in the same room as someone that wants to make everyone else miserable.

xxx