How to Deal With Temper Tantrums and Sulks in a Marriage!

Sambucus_Nigra

Get 3 lollipops and offer him one the next time he has a tantrum. Tell him that when he has been given all 3 - the marriage ends as you are not going to be saddled with a child - you married a man and you want a man and at the moment he is behaving like a boy.

Either that or sit down and discuss your relationship objectively and find out why he isn't happy. Just have the lollipops in your handbag just in case....

Littlemadam83

cassan wrote: »

I have been married to a serial sulker for more than 20 years. Sulking is cruel, controlling and manipulative. And it makes you feel like s**t. I believe it is a form a mental abuse. Sulkers never change, but it does get better with age. How do you deal with it? You ignore it and carry on as if nothing was happening. If they do not get a reaction the sulking will stop. I used to dissolve into floods of tears, but then I got angry. TBH I think there are worse things than sulking - womanizing or physical abuse for instance. I decided I would be bettter off staying married, as otherwise things were fine, but everyone's circumstances are different.

You are so spot on there with the way I am feeling, and sorry you too were/are in the same boat, I am truely amazed you have described things exactly! I too used to go to the bedroom and just cry away from him. Now enough is enough, and I had such a good time on Saturday night without him. I think I need to do that more often.

You are very right, there are so much worse things to have. I just feel very worn down with it, but yes, if he was cheating or something he'd be long gone and I wouldn't be asking what to do on here.

Emmzi

start taking a book in yor handbag so you can eat wherever you like and not worry about being alone at a table. he can join you once he's had his McDonalds.

Littlemadam83

annabel14 wrote: »

Great!! your ready to take action , because sooner or later your going to have to. Better now. Before giving up you can get him to help himself. Probably doesnt like being like it himself but not ready to change cos too much like hard work and doesnt need to if it is getting satisfaction by getting you to join in and agreeing to the next toddler tantrum. As you can tell I have been there !!
So sleeves up now, know its going to be a bumpy ride and start off by psychologically taking your own well being away from his. BEcausse the changes start with you. He is in a mood? His problem . Not yours to solve. Not for you to be upset about.
It might feel strange to behave like this to start with but the alternative is obvious and will drag you down and down to a place you really dont want to go to or expose children to. When you stop feeding him by giving in he will like any sulky teenager/toddler eventually give up behaviour that is not provoking the response he wants. But when you are not worried about his moods it will show and he will want to change. It will take time but dont think you are being mean . You are doing right, just not always easy way to go- thats how he got there in the first place¬take care of you

My sleeves are rolled and helmet on

So I should really go out and get away from the situation? During daytime I might go shopping then, or evening go round parents or something to get away. When he is like it currently and we are at home I just go into the bedroom and to be honest it just carries and carries on.

Sambucus - I love the lollipop ideas, the ultimate way to make him realise! I may just do that, but would be scared they would be gone in under a day.

pinkclouds - true, he does need to have more of an input in what we do. At the same time if it was left to him we would just sit at home and do nothing ever. Which is a whole issue in itself I suppose as he doesnt really have any passion about anything. Apart from a new PS3 game which is yet to be released, that is the only thing he is looking forward to :eek:

Metranil_Vavin

My ex was a sulker and used to do exactly what you have described above. Agree to things, and then at the last moment go into stupid childish moods/sulks and ultimately ruin not only mine, but also everyone around us's evening.

The final straw came when he kicked off at a work colleagues wedding, made a complete show of us both and was verbally abusive to me outside in full view of some other guests.

After that it went downhill rapidly and in the end I dumped him.

I did try to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't listen, so in the end it was either me lose my sanity, or him go.

Funnily enough when I did finally end it, he cried like a baby and begged me to give him (yet) another chance, but unlike other times, I just said no, and that was that.

We weren't married though, so obviusly I am not suggesting you ditch your marriage, just saying I know how it feels and you have my sympathy.

Hope you can work something out.

lilac_lady

It's interesting that women who are put down by their partners retreat to the bedroom leaving him in control of the rest of the house including the TV remote. Just what he wanted - tv, beer or coffee and his own way.

I speak from experience. If someone gets their own way all the time, why should they change their behaviour?

Personally I left my OH and never regretted it. For the OP, it's your choice b ut remember - you have the right to be happy.

NEH

Can i jsut dispel a certain myth....

Can't remember where i read this or if someone told me but most people exepct the first year of marriage to be easy and a year long honeymoon well more often it's not. There is a school of thought that says the first year of marriage is the hardest, even if you have lived together before.

Don't ask me why it should be the hardest, whether it's the adjustment or the coming down from months of planning and having something dominating your lives and a common goal workings towards your marriage i am not sure, but it can be really really tough...

I would suggest that when he behaves in such a way, you do go out or take time out, as much as the urge to shout and scream, just try it. It may be he needs room....

Also remember that these are petty things to you but maybe something lies beneath it....I apparently according to all my family will argue over the sillest of things when in actual fact there is something really worrying me or i am concerned and i just haven't voiced it and then i find something really silly to get angry about as it all builds up....

Has anything changed in his life? He is unsure about anything?

**curlywurly**

May I suggest you read "men are from Mars, women are from Venus". It contains some of the best insights into how and why men and women are different that I have ever read. It helped me understand DH's need to "go into his cave", and deal with it accordingly.

Littlemadam83

Thanks guys for your responses :beer:

Metranil - yes last night I had the tears and almost felt sorry for him. What I did say was that if he had felt the teeniest bit guilty over the way he had made me feel multiple times it would be different. Why should i feel sorry for him? GGGRRRR

Thanks Lilac Lady for your thoughts. True, why should I have to move, so will think next time before I do. i do have the right to be happy, and just need to work at getting there hey, with or without him.

NEH - I too heard that statistic about the first year being the hardest, and I totally believe and agree with it! It was so hard coming down from the perfect wedding and honeymoon. I even bought a Ragdoll kitten to have something to look forward to. It's hard for me to see there is an underlying issue that he needs to get out, although I see where you are coming from. I definitely think we need to be closer but at the same time he is a complete !!!! and I dont want to be near him as we cant get on for more than a few days without something happening which I have said to him.

Curly Wurly, I will read the book again. We both did start but it got waylayed. I am easily forgetful, so it needs drumming in the bits I learnt. I just dont know, should things really be this hard?

xxx

ontheroad_2

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Morning peeps,

I am at my wits end at the moment. I am recently married and my husband is just getting worse and worse and really not sure what to do as I do still love him, but cannot forsee myself staying in this relationship with this happening.

The latest example was this weekend. We went to Boots to get some Halloween makeup and decided to get some dinner out afterwards, I wanted to try the new carvery to which he agreed, but by the time the carvery came he threw a strop and wanted a MacDonalds. He sulked and I eventually said that if it means that much to him we will have a MacDonalds.

Saturday came, he was fine, we were going to do a trial run on makeup (something he had been well up for the week prior) and at the last second he started cursing and going off on one. I said how desperate I was to enjoy the day and evening and can we just have a good time (I cannot count the amount of ruined weekends we have had since we married).

The day just got worse with him, sulking and saying yes to things but huffing and puffing about them, this then turned to him being incredibly verbally abusive.

In the end he didnt come on our murder mystery night out, and since then we have done nothing but argue and I just do not want to continue with him laying into me over little things.

I feel like I resent him more and more for wasting precious time at weekends. We were desperate to get a mortgage and with a not perfect history we were struggling, he THEN goes and pays his credit card off late. Meaning another blow to the mission to get a mortgage.

Any help greatly appreciated, I just want things to be different and hope they can be and he treat me with respect xxx

what are you getting out of your marriage? do you feel respected, an equal, valued, loved? if you don't, i think you need to really think about what you want for your future.

It sounds to me, just from what you've put in your original post, that your husband doesn't want to grow up and have adult responsibilities. Some people don't, and thats fine, the problem comes when one of you does and in a marriage you are both kind of committed to growing up (if only a little ).

Your experiences of spoiled weekends, huffing husband sulking around the house etc, would just make me look long and hard at the situation i was in, and if i wanted to carry on in it.

I know you've probably already tried this, but have you actually discussed this with your husband, when you've both been calm and actually liking each other? Was he like this before you married? If he was, and you didn't let him know it was a problem then, he probably sees no reason to change his behaviour now.

There could also be other things bubbling under the surface - does he maybe think you mother him too much, bug him about money and the mortgage too much?