How to Deal With Temper Tantrums and Sulks in a Marriage!

Littlemadam83

Morning peeps,

I am at my wits end at the moment. I am recently married and my husband is just getting worse and worse and really not sure what to do as I do still love him, but cannot forsee myself staying in this relationship with this happening.

The latest example was this weekend. We went to Boots to get some Halloween makeup and decided to get some dinner out afterwards, I wanted to try the new carvery to which he agreed, but by the time the carvery came he threw a strop and wanted a MacDonalds. He sulked and I eventually said that if it means that much to him we will have a MacDonalds.

Saturday came, he was fine, we were going to do a trial run on makeup (something he had been well up for the week prior) and at the last second he started cursing and going off on one. I said how desperate I was to enjoy the day and evening and can we just have a good time (I cannot count the amount of ruined weekends we have had since we married).

The day just got worse with him, sulking and saying yes to things but huffing and puffing about them, this then turned to him being incredibly verbally abusive.

In the end he didnt come on our murder mystery night out, and since then we have done nothing but argue and I just do not want to continue with him laying into me over little things.

I feel like I resent him more and more for wasting precious time at weekends. We were desperate to get a mortgage and with a not perfect history we were struggling, he THEN goes and pays his credit card off late. Meaning another blow to the mission to get a mortgage.

Any help greatly appreciated, I just want things to be different and hope they can be and he treat me with respect xxx

lynzpower

what was he like before you married him? Like he is now?

How long did you know him before you married?

Littlemadam83

Thanks for your reply Lynz, he was nowhere near as bad, but was I suppose slowly getting worse before.

We have been together a bit over 5 years, and living together for 4.

bryanb

Did you marry hoping things would change?

Littlemadam83

No because they weren't as bad. They were manageable, and I could just get on with things. They would never last a whole day or anything.

annabel14

really important not to let your partner control your moods like this because that s all it is a control issue. Most people base their adult behaviour on what they have seen around them . Did he come from abusive background? whether he did or not is no excuse for adolescent behaviour but explains why. No brainer on this do not accept this. It will certainly get worse. Love your self enough to refuse to collude with his sulky ways. Good Luck

bylromarha

You need to talk. Not in the situation, but when you've both calmed down.

Don't blame him or use phrases like "you always, you never", instead say things like "When you changed your mind over dinner, it made me feel...." Also, phrases like, "what can I do to help that situation not happen again?" are good. The likelihood is that this sort of conversation will raise things that you did which provoked his behaviour - are you ready to hear it?

5 years of relationship is good - you can keep going. You both have to adapt to the familiarity you now both have with each other which means you can begin to take each other for granted. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. It's the best thing for a lasting relationship.

And agree to not carry resentments over to the next day. Sort it out, deal with it and move on.

Littlemadam83

annabel14 wrote: »

really important not to let your partner control your moods like this because that s all it is a control issue. Most people base their adult behaviour on what they have seen around them . Did he come from abusive background? whether he did or not is no excuse for adolescent behaviour but explains why. No brainer on this do not accept this. It will certainly get worse. Love your self enough to refuse to collude with his sulky ways. Good Luck

Thanks Annabel, he came from a ridiculous background really his dad acts in a childish manner, not immature but is silly like a child would be.
He has always been second best in the family, to which I do feel sorry for him. His mum only ever wants to see him when she needs something.

Is there any way to not accept this behaviour and still keep the marriage going?

xxx

cassan

I have been married to a serial sulker for more than 20 years. Sulking is cruel, controlling and manipulative. And it makes you feel like s**t. I believe it is a form a mental abuse. Sulkers never change, but it does get better with age. How do you deal with it? You ignore it and carry on as if nothing was happening. If they do not get a reaction the sulking will stop. I used to dissolve into floods of tears, but then I got angry. TBH I think there are worse things than sulking - womanizing or physical abuse for instance. I decided I would be bettter off staying married, as otherwise things were fine, but everyone's circumstances are different.

annabel14

Great!! your ready to take action , because sooner or later your going to have to. Better now. Before giving up you can get him to help himself. Probably doesnt like being like it himself but not ready to change cos too much like hard work and doesnt need to if it is getting satisfaction by getting you to join in and agreeing to the next toddler tantrum. As you can tell I have been there !!
So sleeves up now, know its going to be a bumpy ride and start off by psychologically taking your own well being away from his. BEcausse the changes start with you. He is in a mood? His problem . Not yours to solve. Not for you to be upset about.
It might feel strange to behave like this to start with but the alternative is obvious and will drag you down and down to a place you really dont want to go to or expose children to. When you stop feeding him by giving in he will like any sulky teenager/toddler eventually give up behaviour that is not provoking the response he wants. But when you are not worried about his moods it will show and he will want to change. It will take time but dont think you are being mean . You are doing right, just not always easy way to go- thats how he got there in the first place¬take care of you

pinkclouds

I would guess that he doesn't enjoy the same activities as you. My husband dislikes shopping and I try to avoid taking him shopping at the weekend. (Except when my memory lapses and I forget how bad it was the last time!) Maybe you could ask him for more input as to what he'd like to do at the weekend?

The late bill payments are another issue. I'd suggest putting everything on direct debit so they don't get forgotten. I know it's terribly important but these things just don't stay in some people's minds.