How to Deal With Temper Tantrums and Sulks in a Marriage!

ontheroad_2

Now I've read the whole thread, I totally agree that the first 18 months or so of marriage are the hardest, no question about it.

The advice you've been given about just taking yourself out of the situation when OH starts sulking/stropping is great too - I wonder if you tend to do most things together in your free time? You know, theres nothing wrong at all in a marriage in having your own time, your own space, to do what you like to do, (and same goes for OH).
I personally rarely go shopping with OH, unless its something he needs and he's asked me to go with him (I never ask his or anyone else's opinion on stuff I'm buying for me). He likes football, it bores me, so he goes without me.

If your OH fancies staying home of a weekend and slobbing out, let him! Its his free time too. If you don't want to do that, nip out yourself and go shopping, go for a drive, visit friends/family for a coffee, do what you like.

**curlywurly**

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

I just dont know, should things really be this hard?

xxx

It depends on so many things. How long have you been together? Being married to somebody can be hard, and no marriage is completely perfect, however hard you work at it. But if you step back, and overall the good outweighs the bad, then it's worth sticking to. If overall the bad outweighs the good, and you have tried but failed to tip the balance the other way, then IMHO it is not worth sticking to.

I have a 99% perfect husband. I gave up trying to make him 100% years ago. And I did this by looking at my own faults and realising that I am not 100% faultless either. I would also say that you do not in fact KNOW what is good sometimes, unless you have had what is bad.

Have you considered marriage counselling? You don't both have to go.

FatVonD

My husband can be a moody b*gger at times, Saturday morning was looking like being one of those times so I just said 'I don't know why you're sulking but I just want you to know that I'm not going to let your mood affect my mood or my day'. Once he knew I wasn't going to let it affect me he snapped out of it, no point having a tantrum if everybody ignores you!

NEH

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Thanks guys for your responses

NEH - I too heard that statistic about the first year being the hardest, and I totally believe and agree with it! It was so hard coming down from the perfect wedding and honeymoon. I even bought a Ragdoll kitten to have something to look forward to. It's hard for me to see there is an underlying issue that he needs to get out, although I see where you are coming from. I definitely think we need to be closer but at the same time he is a complete !!!! and I dont want to be near him as we cant get on for more than a few days without something happening which I have said to him.

xxx

I think it sounds a bit like you've had all the hype and planning for your wedding and working towards that goal that now you're kinda a bit lost iyswim....

Plan things to look forward to together and also plan things you can look forward to doing apart....Maybe you both need some "me" time...

I would also say that if you do have financial worries it is an enormous strain on a marriage. It's such a tough time i can sympathise totally....

Chakani

I will make an admission here. I am a sulker. I don't often admit to it, or give in to it these days, but it definitely is the way I am. My OH deals with it brilliantly. My dad is also a sulker, and my mum doesn't deal well with it - as a result, I very seldom get in a proper sulk, whereas my dad's sulks rule their marriage. So the way you respond can definitely change things for better or worse.

My mum is afraid of Dad's sulks, she allows them to overrule her and dictate what they do. She tiptoes around him and gives in at the first sniff of a grump, in order to keep the peace. This makes the sulks a very effective way for Dad to get what he wants, and of course, he does it every time it looks like he's not going to get things his way. The result is a marriage with a very uneven balance of influence.

I have to be honest, and say that if someone treated me in that way, I would probably end up doing the same (my personality is very similar to my dad's), especially if I had never had a relationship where things didn't work this way. I like to think that I have become a better person because I have a good, normal, well-balanced and equal relationship with my OH, and have learned better ways of communicating.

My OH absolutely does not entertain sulks from me. He will call my bluff if I start being manipulative, and he will, as FatVonD says, just leave me to it and go off and do something he wants to, with people who aren't being miserable. Then the only person left feeling miserable is me (I'm sure it does affect him too, but he hides it well!). If that happens, there is no longer any point in sulking, because there is no-one to sulk at :mad:

I have had to learn to deal with things in a different way, by talking things through, by sitting down (by myself) and working out what exactly it is that has upset me (sulkers often forget when they're in the throes of a proper strop, what the original problem was, and accumulate all manner of exaggerated and imagined offences to fuel the sulk and keep it going), and then telling him, in measured and unemotive words why I feel upset. I try to word it in a way that doesn't confer blame onto him, but just explains what I'm feeling. Quite often at that point, either he'll realise he'd not noticed the (usually minor) problem, or we will negotiate a solution. If that doesn't work, I have learned to take myself off and deal with the sulk head on, but this does mean being very honest and sometimes brutal with myself, and it's hard to do.

Like any behaviour, sulkers have to want to change, but it is possible. Treat it like you would a toddler's tantrum - they will scream louder to start with, and then after a while, realise it is not getting them what they want, and try another tactic. Make sure that when he tries a nice tactic, it works, and if he tries another bratty one, it doesn't, just like you would with two year old.

Sorry for the marathon post, I hope something from the other side of the fence is helpful

Littlemadam83

Thanks Chakani for your useful insight.

I know what you mean and I suppose if the sulker has no audience he has no call to sulk.

I wish I'd nipped it in the bud sooner so he did not use this to try and manipulate me. Thank you for taking the time to give a detailed insight into thoughts and feelings of a sulker. I will try to get to the bottom of his thoughts with him.

I have been thinking from all your comments on here to speak to him again when I can. At the moment I cant even look at him I feel so angry that he can be like that without a care as to how I feel.

Hopefully soon this will be possible, I am scared I am falling out of love with him slowly and I cant really see him changing. So when I feel better about us I will talk to him.

I just hope he and I can change and these wearing down insults/strops stop xxxxx

PinkPeach

I really feel for you OP. It almost sounds as if your husband is a close relative of mine! Only a matter of weeks ago, just after getting married I posted on another section of the forum about a sulk that my husband had got into over the most silly thing and because he was sulking and angry he ripped up our wedding cards and proceeded to sulk for a week afterwards.

It can be incredibly difficult at times being with someone who is so childish. My husband always got his own way growing up and never had any family stand up to him and say 'NO', so he always thinks he's right and that it's acceptable to be like this (he's 38 so is old enough to know better...but doesn't seem to). He's improved over the years, this recent outburst was the first for a very long time but it hurt so badly. I don't think people who do this realise how much of an impact their actions can have on the other person, it really makes you feel like poo even though you've done nothing wrong.

Someone else mentioned about how the sulker always gets control over the rest of the home while the other person retreats to the bedroom. I do this because I find that he can then be quite controlling over the tv, so I have to put up with what he wants to watch because he's then being spiteful and I don't want to be around a 'dark cloud'.

Someone like this will never change. My husband can acknowlege his behaviour is petty afterwards, but still belives he's entitled to do it. Personally I do like to leave him to it because I feel he's trying to bring me down with his bad mood. I hope you manage to find a way of working this out with your husband because I know from experience it's very, very hard because he is tring to control you with his behaviour - although my husband would probably never admit to that, he'd view it all in a different light entirely.

My advice to you is to be strong and continue to do things which please you when he's sulking, ignore the behaviour completely and then try to talk to him once he's snapped out of it. I made the mistake of pandering to him when we first met and he did this - looking back I think things would have probably been much smoother if I'd let him get on with acting like a child instead of wondering what I'd done wrong. I know it's hard at the moment but don't forget why you married him because everyone does have good qualities - just make sure that the good is outweighing the bad, if not then it's probably time to think about whether you can put up with this for many more years to come.

PinkPeach

Sorry, just to add another thought from my situation - not sure if it will be relevant to yours...

My husband came from an abusive background where his dad used to bully the whole family. He had 2 particularly bad sulks/mood outbursts a few years ago which led to him going to the doctors and being diagnosed with depression. At the time he was also taking coke at weekends (which I didn't realise for a long time but his comedown would have been what I saw as a sulk).

People's moods can be influenced by many factors. I feel my husband has a sulky/moody nature anyway and I can see that its made worse by depression/drugs. Once he stopped the drugs and the doctor helped with his depression things improved greatly, it was almost as if the sulks were his way of trying to cope with feeling rubbish all the time. So he still has them as thats his nature but not with the frequency they used to be.

Talk to your husband - I'm not suggesting for one minute he's taking drugs or anyting but simply that there could be an underlying cause to all of this which makes him worse. I think my husband has a tendancy to act like his dad, whose mood swings were inflicted upon everyone else.

Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble but from what you've said it's like reading about another 'me' so I feel strongly that you deserve to sort this out so you are both happy.

Chakani

PinkPeach wrote: »

People's moods can be influenced by many factors. I feel my husband has a sulky/moody nature anyway and I can see that its made worse by depression/drugs. Once he stopped the drugs and the doctor helped with his depression things improved greatly, it was almost as if the sulks were his way of trying to cope with feeling rubbish all the time. So he still has them as thats his nature but not with the frequency they used to be.

I definitely agree with this, and feeling down makes sulks more frequent, and more difficult to stop. Depression, if it's a factor, is also an introspective illness which causes people to think in a very self-centred way, and they often don't realise they are doing it.

BUT, sulking is a behaviour. It is something people can choose to do or not, although it can be hard not to, and it takes work and determination to change.

Don't excuse it, even if you understand the reason for it. Nobody has any right to treat other people in this way. It doesn't help or make things better. It is hurtful and cruel, and all sulkers know that deep down, whether they admit it to themselves or not. You don't deserve it, and you need to remind him of this until he stops doing it. I am vastly better than I was, and I can imagine situations where I would still need reminding now.

Littlemadam83

Hi Pink Peach and Chakani.

I have quickly read through your posts and it is such a relief to hear from you both who have been in the same position.

It has got really busy at work, so will post when I can. Didnt want you to think I was ignoring you xxx