MSE Parents Club Part 15

r.mac_2

PS DH and I aren't always on the same page discipline wise. He tends to leave it to me, which is annoying, but can also help as I'm the one at home all the time so can provide consistency. He's much better at backing me up these days though and when either one of us is getting 'het up' we pass onto the other one to continue explaining why said action is wrong etc. We also often say things like 'mummy and daddy both agree' even if the other one isn't around etc so shes getting the idea that we are (trying) to be a team.

My problem at the moment is that DH's favourite way to diffuse a situation is to produce chocolate buttons - not something I'm a fan off!!!

SusanC_2

BrunoM wrote: »

So last night, approaching bedtime, E was wandering around while I cooked and OH bounced and fed the baby in the living room. He'd been in his nursery for a bit when he came out and approached me with a Fruit Shoot drink he had lifted from a bag in the hall (doesn't usually drink them...) saying "Oh.... spilled it. Very messy.".

What he had in fact done was, clearly shaken it and sprayed it around the nursery carpet for a bit, then got bored and poured all the rest of it into the middle of his bed.

What with being a nasty sticky drink this led to quite a large amount of work and frustration and frankly the carpet needs shampooing now but ugh.

Two parts to this I'd be interested in people's comments on:

1) he is usually pretty well behaved, and this is the biggest-hassle incident of misbehaviour yet. It was obviously on purpose and I kind of assume it might be "acting up" after baby birth (although he's generally seemed quite happy with the new baby). OH is now very anxious that he will keep doing bad/naughty/potentially dangerous things and feels we can't leave him to wander the house now etc. Any thoughts?

2) OH completely blew up at him, to my mind over the top, continuing to shout at him after he was already crying hysterically, etc. I think she and I are being too polarised into good cap/bad cop, she feels because I don't tell him off strongly enough she has to or he won't learn, I feel that if she's going to over-react and treat him too harshly over small things then I need to defend him/make sure he's not too upset rather than tell him off too... trying to navigate a route to us being more consistent and less opposed....

1) I think they all go through phases of doing particular things so whilst it could be baby related, it may not. Alice had a recent phase of emptying her potty in the night onto her carpet. Initially we were unsure whether it was deliberate but when it kept repeating we knew that it was. We talked to her about how it wasn't a good idea and how her room would get all yucky and smelly and horrible if she kept doing it and I think she understood what the effects of continuing to do it would be as it did stop her.
2) It sounds to me based on this and other incidents you've described over time that she's not able to moderate her reaction according to what sort of emotional response E has or how intentional it is. Personally, if I have any doubt about whether Alice has done something deliberately knowing she shouldn't then I tell her she shouldn't and talk to her about why but don't actually tell her off for it unless the same thing is repeated. Also, if she is very upset by something then I don't tell her off but just talk to her about not doing it again in future. So for example a few days ago we bought a plug in night light for Alice because it would save having to keep charging batteries and we thought she could be trusted not to play with it by switching it on and off. The very day we put it in her room (and before it even got to night time) she had broken it by switching it on and off. The conversation went as follows:
Me: Oh no, the nightlight is broken. Were you switching it on and off?
A: Yes.
Me: Were you supposed to do that?
A: No.
Me: Did you know you shouldn't do it?
A: Yes.
By this point she was so distraught that she'd broken it that we had to go to bed for cuddles and I concluded that she was so upset that no telling off was necessary.
It can be hard sometimes not to show it when I'm really cross about something (and I'm sure I fail) but I think it is very important that (except in the case of something dangerous like trying to run into the road or touch a fire) any discipline should be in proportion to the child's intentions rather than in proportion to the consequences of their actions. If practical I would generally get Alice to contribute towards putting consequences right (e.g. help to mop the floor) regardless of intention but if not deliberate I wouldn't be telling her off for it.

weezl74

BrunoM wrote: »

2) OH completely blew up at him, to my mind over the top, continuing to shout at him after he was already crying hysterically, etc. I think she and I are being too polarised into good cap/bad cop, she feels because I don't tell him off strongly enough she has to or he won't learn, I feel that if she's going to over-react and treat him too harshly over small things then I need to defend him/make sure he's not too upset rather than tell him off too... trying to navigate a route to us being more consistent and less opposed....

Hiya Bruno,:)

To undermine the polarisation, could you make a deal with DH that if you are notably firmer with E on a few things then she can be freed up to be 'soft cop' a bit?

What do you think she'd need you to be firmer on to make that happen?

About the carrying on shouting after E was distraught, it does sound like she is at the moment perhaps due to extreme tiredness taking these things personally. I am sat here wracking my brains for a way to undermine that!

The only other thing I'd say is that we have consciously tried (tho we fail at this daily) to give MASSIVE amounts of praise to Fergie for every nice thing he does for Kester, however ambiguous, ie we choose to pretend it was nice even if we aren't sure!

keelykat

Hello, thought i'd quickly pop in to say hi

My good intentions to post on here more, have failed sorry! It's just easier to add random comments on facebook when i log on, on my phone.

But anyway, Elliot's had a good week. Yesterday we had the playgroup's xmas party/lunch. Not quite a fantastic as Bruno's little boys party! But we had a fantastic time, normal play session to begin with. Then we moved into another room while they brought all the food in, re arranged the tables etc. This is when we all had singing and story time Lunch was great fun, i just love the little tables and chairs! so cute! Elliot actually ate some food sitting down and didn't run off till some of the others started to. The adults got fed too (sausage and chips yum yum and other kiddy faves). Out came the pudding and all the kids faces lit up lol! More playing for the kids, then they suprised them by bringing in Santa A lovely morning surrounded by happy children!

We took Elliot to the German markets in B-ham in the afternoon, so he was worn out by the time we got home in the evening! He let me have another lie in My one selfish moment of the week-making my hubby queue for 20 minutes with me so I could get 2 cardigans from Marks and Spencers! (the offer of £35 cardigan for £10-so MSE lol).

Just a shame my mom has seriously depressed me this morning, won't go into detail as i'm sure no one wants to know about that. But she's got one week to get her act together, otherwise xmas there is cancelled and i'm making other arrangements

Happy Xmas everyone

keely.xx

keelykat

MERFE wrote: »

evening all, not had time to catch up yet. I'm back from the hospital, they decided to keep me in. They didn't drain it in the end but used a needle to draw the pus out, they gave me some local aneasthetic first and put me on IV antibiotics. Then yesterday I had a scan at the breast clinic where they took some more pus out using a biopsy needle (that was scary, sounds like a gun going off). Hurt like hell when I went back to my bed, was all shakey but woke up this morning feeling so much better and when they came to examine me today I could barely feel them touching me instead of flinching so I've been sent home with oral antibiotics and have another scan tomorrow to make sure it is really clearing up. I did get told I should have come in sooner but I went to the docs a week ago and he told me it wasn't infected then and I believed him.

I have missed this, sorry. I hope you are feeling better today? Sounds very uncomfortable

aless02

Everyone said what I was trying to, but much better .

It sounds like your DW has quite a short fuse and parenthood has been tough - fine, but at some point you do have to stop excusing away behaviors with tiredness, hormones, etc. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have a toddler and a new baby...but after those first few weeks she will have to deal with the reality, and most importantly on her own without you being afraid of leaving her home alone with E & C. Please don't be afraid to encourage her to seek help if she needs it, no matter what the consequences are. Everyone has different personalities and we all deal with stress in very different ways, but we all need to know when to do just walk away even when baby is screaming, toddler is covered in glue, whatever!! 1 minute of temporary chaos in the interest of cooling off has got to be a million times better than the consequences of losing your temper with your child(ren).

How is C, other than that? We look forward to fresh baby tales!

(hope that came across as non-judgemental and non-preachy as I intend)

smartie12

Hugs and get better vibes for all that need them x

Daisy did a huge fart whilst at baby massage... whilst on her front with bum in the air!!:eek::rotfl:

So ladylike my daughter is;):D

Evansangel

smartie12 wrote: »

Hugs and get better vibes for all that need them x

Daisy did a huge fart whilst at baby massage... whilst on her front with bum in the air!!:eek::rotfl:

So ladylike my daughter is;):D

Did she laugh? Lily chuckles at her farts now :rotfl:

We went to the HV earlier, Lily is now 19lbs 8ozs
Asked about why Lily keeps slapping all the time and she said when she does it to say 'No' very firmly and move her away from us.
Well the first time i did it she cried so much! I felt so bad, but it worked because she didn't do it for a while after that. Until she did it to DH, so he done the 'No' and moving her away but it didn't phase her at all...

ladybirdintheuk

Evening all. (as ever) I've not read back, but I can report that we have a freshly plastered kitchen and bathroom, and the kitchen at least is properly cleaned up with everything put away. We've not got a light back in the bathroom, so my dad got the worst of it cleared up with a bedside lamp in there, but I know it will need doing again tomorrow once we can see what we are doing!

£120 less in my pocket, but considering we were quoted £270 to do just one, I'm happy with that

I take it facebook is down for everyone, not just me, judging by the number of posts on here?!

Evansangel

It went down for me last night Ladybird. It was updating me to the new fb x