MSE Parents Club Part 15

MadDogWoman_2

1: How about coming from the angle of stress having a negative effect on you atm and then gauge her reaction from there as to how vital it is for you to be bridesmaid.

2: How about letting your friend now how upset you are? Could you ask if there is any other role you could play her daughter's life?

HTH

(((Hugs)))

ETA ^^^ that's what I was trying to say and GISI and SS put it much more eloquently

redmel1621

Thank You...couple of things I realise I hadn't added...
1. My sister is having 2 other bridesmaids too. Her VBF and her SIL(to be) They are both like 21yrs old, skinny size 6/8s and no kids!! hence why i am feeling pressured to lose weight drastically. Also I feel she should be fine with just those two, whereas, I don't think I want to leave dh to have to cope with all the kids, as I very much doubt any of my family will help him out, as they don't much like him and will probably sit there, watching and judging him as to how he is handling the kids....

But as I say, I would love to develop a closer relationship to her, and I also don't want to upset her by changing my mind.


2. My VBF did seem to mainly put the emphasis on the fact that it was 'church rules' that godparents are christened, rather than her personal preference iykwim....but she is sometimes hard to read, and doesn't always speak her mind, so I can't be sure what she is thinking about it.. i don't think that she had asked anyone else (yet) well no-one other than her other friend who was also going to be godmother aswell as me.

xx

thanks for advice so far, keep it coming as your replies are really helping me to think it through myself:)

SusanC_2

redmel1621 wrote: »

Right, so i have two dilemmas!

1. My little sister is getting married next August in Gretna Green, she asked me to be a bridesmaid when she first told me about it and I readily agreed. The thing is, I am not really sure if I want to do it now. I would rather spend the day with my family and just go and 'watch' the wedding. We are not very close tbh and although this could bring us closer (which I would love) I find the rest of my family exclude me from a lot of things, the rest of my family meaning, my mum, sister, younger brother and when he visists older brother...i always have to ask what they are up to on special occasions (like xmas, new year) only to find out that they have already made big plans...none of which have been relayed to me. It shouldn't bother me and I have my own family (husband and kids) to keep me busy and to spend time with, BUT for some reason it does get under my skin......One other reason is that it is stressing me out as I am feeling pressured to lose weight, and the stress is having the opposite effect, as you know I am not doing to well with stressful things atm...
Soooo anyway, Do you think I should tell her I don't want to be her bridesmaid? I really don't want to upset her, or ruin her big day for her, if she actually does really want me to. I also don't know how to tell her in a gentle, kind way...if I do actually tell her. Or should I just keep my mouth shut and do it as I have already agreed???

2. My VBF is getting her dauhter christened in March and broke the news to me that she wanted to ask me to be godmother but can't because I am not christened...now I know they don't check up on it, and my sister was godmother to her best friends little boy, even though she isn't christened and to our two youngest....I know this is possibly a slightly contentious issue for those who are religious themselves, but my best friend isn't particularly and never attends church etc....When she was telling me the news I did mention about my sister, and I also told her that a girl I was chatting to at our naming ceremony preperation visit, told me that none of her godparents were christened but that she just ticked the boxes to say they were...and she was having a full christening!!
I don't morally 'think' I should press the issue with her, but I am really, really upset that I won't get to be godmother to her daughter:( I had slightly hoped that by letting her know it is possible she may have offered to do the same...

Sorry they are so long, but they are both things that have been eating me up inside for a few weeks now

very sad and confused Mel xx

:grouphug: it all sounds very stressful.

First issue: I can understand it can be upsetting when you are missed out even though you have a family of your own now. They are "supposed" to be there for you and include you in things so you are bound to be upset that they don't even if you are sued to it. I'd say unless you really feel you couldn't cope with it that you should go for it and take the opportunity to be included. I doubt your sister would have asked you to be a bridesmaid if she really didn't want you to. However if you think you really can't cope with all the stress of it I don't think you should feel like you have to go along with it just because you said yes originally. Do you think your sister would understand if you said you were feeling stressed about your weight? Perhaps she would be able to pick a style of bridesmaid dress which has a bit of flexibility in it in terms of size so that you won't be worrying about getting too big for it or looking bad in it. (Although I have to say that given how amazing you looked in the photo with T just after she was born I can't imagine that you could look bad.)

I can't really comment on the second issue as I don't really think people should be having their children baptised unless they are believers themselves. But I can understand why you are upset.

SusanC_2

redmel1621 wrote: »

Thank You...couple of things I realise I hadn't added...
1. My sister is having 2 other bridesmaids too. Her VBF and her SIL(to be) They are both like 21yrs old, skinny size 6/8s and no kids!! hence why i am feeling pressured to lose weight drastically. Also I feel she should be fine with just those two, whereas, I don't think I want to leave dh to have to cope with all the kids, as I very much doubt any of my family will help him out, as they don't much like him and will probably sit there, watching and judging him as to how he is handling the kids....

Given that they both don't have children and you have four, she could very easily have got away with not asking you without it looking like she should have or she was deliberately excluding you so she must genuinely want you to do it.

SusanC_2

Mel I wonder if your sister would let you bring a friend who could help your husband with the kids since you would be taking part in the service?

jillie1974

redmel1621 wrote: »

Right, so i have two dilemmas!

1. My little sister is getting married next August in Gretna Green, she asked me to be a bridesmaid when she first told me about it and I readily agreed. The thing is, I am not really sure if I want to do it now. I would rather spend the day with my family and just go and 'watch' the wedding. We are not very close tbh and although this could bring us closer (which I would love) I find the rest of my family exclude me from a lot of things, the rest of my family meaning, my mum, sister, younger brother and when he visists older brother...i always have to ask what they are up to on special occasions (like xmas, new year) only to find out that they have already made big plans...none of which have been relayed to me. It shouldn't bother me and I have my own family (husband and kids) to keep me busy and to spend time with, BUT for some reason it does get under my skin......One other reason is that it is stressing me out as I am feeling pressured to lose weight, and the stress is having the opposite effect, as you know I am not doing to well with stressful things atm...
Soooo anyway, Do you think I should tell her I don't want to be her bridesmaid? I really don't want to upset her, or ruin her big day for her, if she actually does really want me to. I also don't know how to tell her in a gentle, kind way...if I do actually tell her. Or should I just keep my mouth shut and do it as I have already agreed???

2. My VBF is getting her dauhter christened in March and broke the news to me that she wanted to ask me to be godmother but can't because I am not christened...now I know they don't check up on it, and my sister was godmother to her best friends little boy, even though she isn't christened and to our two youngest....I know this is possibly a slightly contentious issue for those who are religious themselves, but my best friend isn't particularly and never attends church etc....When she was telling me the news I did mention about my sister, and I also told her that a girl I was chatting to at our naming ceremony preperation visit, told me that none of her godparents were christened but that she just ticked the boxes to say they were...and she was having a full christening!!
I don't morally 'think' I should press the issue with her, but I am really, really upset that I won't get to be godmother to her daughter:( I had slightly hoped that by letting her know it is possible she may have offered to do the same...

Sorry they are so long, but they are both things that have been eating me up inside for a few weeks now

very sad and confused Mel xx

to me the fact that she asked you to be bridesmaid means she wants you there. mention (as SS said) that you wil have 2 toddlers to look after on the day and maybe you could have a smaller role?

on the 2nd issue. dont think it is right to be a godparent if you are not christened. sorry....
your friend has probably been told that godparents must be christened and it is the rules.

redmel1621

SusanC wrote: »

Mel I wonder if your sister would let you bring a friend who could help your husband with the kids since you would be taking part in the service?

I doubt she would have a problem with it, but she is getting married up in flaming gretna green, so we are going to have to stay over since it is a bit of a drive:cool: I don't really have friends, and people I 'know' all have kids, so wouldn't be able to come, or afford to come.

I understand what you are saying about her really wanting me to do it, which is why I am struggling to be able to tell her I don't want to, and the more I think about it the more I don't want to do it...I shouldn't have agreed immediately I should have asked if I could think about it:( Maybe I should just do it...I really don't want to tell her about being stressed etc as we are really not a close sharing family.

Becles

Evansangel wrote: »

I washed our bin today, its in the bath drying at the moment

I wouldn't fancy dragging a wheelie bin up the stairs and putting it in my shiny new bath!

SusanC wrote: »

I hope you still get paid for the job!

Yes I will do, thankfully.

Most jobs are paid per call and I don't get paid travelling time. If travelling takes a lot longer than I've estimated, it makes the jobs worth less per hour. I've had some days when I'm working for less than minimum wage due to the increased travelling time

Hope Molly feels better soon xx

Not really sure how to handle it Mel. Maybe you could test the water to see how she feels. Suggest to your sister than you're not sure, then if she looks really upset, you could just brush it off and say you're being silly and you'll be fine on the big day.

Not sure on the christening thing as none of mine have been christened. It doesn't seem morally right pretending you are christened when you haven't been though.

Hope that's of help, or feel free to ignore it

Charlotte has a toy meerkat and she's been running around this evening with it going "simples..... eek" :rotfl:

ethelsmum

Mel - When my brother and sil got married a few years ago they asked me to be bridesmaid, along with dd1 who was just 3 at the time of the wedding.
The previous year I had been bridesmaid for a close friend and although I loved it and was flattered I also found it very stressful - I was the only one with kids (and therefore not a size 10 like the others!!). I also had to arrange dress fittings, spray tans, hairdressers etc around 2 kids. I'm not one for alot of attention/had low self so didn't like all the attention. Saying all this though, I had a fabulous day and feel very proud to be involved.

I politely declined being bridesmaid for my brother, they were fine (if they wasn't they never let me know). I prefered to enjoy the day and relax.

With regards to the christening - I would love my brother and sil to be godparents for E but brother hasn't been christened so can't, I would feel bad if I lied. My friend asked her BF to be godmother but she hadn't been christened so she got christened at the same time as the baby and was godmother also.

ladybirdintheuk

Evening all. Have been skim reading tonight, but not properly. Big news here is that we have Mr Bluenose home for the weekend. He is the nursery bear, and all the children take turns to take him home for the weekend. I have to write in a book what adventures he has got up to.