MSE Parents Club Part 15

SugarSpun

Hello twoflower and welcome to the thread. Very briefly (ha!) these are the things I've learned from my grief counselling course:

After a death children need information, reassurance, to be able to express their feelings and to be included or involved - a lot of people try to shield them from the reality of death thinking they won't understand, which leaves them feeling confused or abandoned.

Acting out feelings is one way children react to loss, and they may react in ways different to what we expect. They may need to establish a new identity and to be treated with understanding and sensitivity. Apparently it's good for peers to be informed, but I think your DS might be a bit young and his friends too young (not to mention their mummies might not like to have death explained to their kids), they need to be allowed to grieve at their own pace and in their own way, to be allowed to cry if they need to and to understand that death is a part of life, although we can still feel awful and sad when it happens.

The most common manifestations of grief in kids your DS's age are clingy tantrums, repeated questions and little minor illnesses. The best way to deal with these is lots of cuddles, a consistent routine (very tough in your situation, I know), simple explanations, expressive play, use of books and drawing.

A book I read also has a warning about linking death with journeys, sleep and goodness - if you tell a child that someone was so good that God took them to be with him, they might act up so God doesn't come after them next, telling them that someone went to sleep and didn't wake up might cause them to have trouble sleeping because they're afraid and likewise with journeys. Likewise the idea of a better place, they may feel that they did something wrong making their place not good enough.

For a littlie like your DS, explanations should be short because he won't have the patience for a longer explanation. He may ask a lot of questions, which you can answer with short simple straightforward explanations, and he may act out death through play or drawing in order to try to make sense of it.

I can't imagine what you're going through twoflower, and I think you're doing a great job. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish you all the best in trying to deal with your own grief while helping your son through his.

Edit: I'm only doing the course, but if you think I might be able to help or answer questions my PM box isn't full. I'm in and out the next week or so but I'll reply as soon as I can if you need anything.

workinmummy

Hi twoflowers,

Welcome to the PT. Rant, cry, scream and laugh (if possible) we're here for it all.

weezl74

hi everyone, and welcome to twoflowers

thanks for the advice on the stockpiling the other day.

aless if you are around I have a question about how drugs (clinical rather than recreational!) are regulated in the states vs here

redstararnie76

Welcome Twoflower, and I'm sorry to hear what you having to deal with. I'm afraid that I don't have much practical experience that I can offer, but do please feel free to rant and ask for advice. I'm always happen to listen, even if I'm not much use.
Morning everyone.

SusanC_2

SugarSpun wrote: »

She never unfriended him, and we broke up so amicably that it was never an issue. His more recent ex had a serious problem with it though *shrug*

Maybe she was insecure in the relationship and saw you as a threat? Or maybe she'd never remained friends or had an amicable breakup so found it strange? I found it strange when I first knew that OH was still friends with and in touch with his ex from university but that's just because mine turned a bit weird such that I chose not remain in contact.

SusanC_2

Hi twoflower - I don't know what to say so I thanked your post instead.

jillie1974

weezl- i think aless might be working today

Sami_Bee

I've not read much this weekend, hello all :wave:

I'm all weepy over This Morning, a couple were tortured in a robbery, the guy was burnt with an iron and didn't make a sound because their 3yo granddaughter was asleep in the next room!

weezl74

jillie1974 wrote: »

weezl- i think aless might be working today

thanks Jillie. I hope she sees it later, not at all urgent!

cazscoob

HI Twoflowers and welcome to the PT, i have found these ladies and bruno to be of so much help advice and support over the past year. i have had a difficult year but nothing compared to yours and when i have needed to shout and cry there has always been someone to listen. sometimes just getting it out of your head and typed down can be enough.

All my love to you and you LO xxx

SS get packing!!!!