Father going for full custody?

snugglepet20

OP please don't worry he will not be able to take your children and he already has fair access so I seriously doubt a court would change that. The only way he would get custody based on mental health issues is if you were constantly being sectioned and on serious medication and possibly not even then.

Unless he could prove beyond any doubt that you were a completely unfit mother it is in the children's best interests to be with you. By unfit mother I mean drug abuse, filthy disgusting house, prostitution, !!!!!philia, criminal activities, filthy dirty children, malnourished children, children left alone in house etc and I seriously doubt any of this applies. People cannot take children away from their home just because they feel like it.

zzzLazyDaisy

Reading OP's earlier threads...

The father has no income whatsoever. His JSA was stopped because he refused to look for full time work. The two yr old goes to him three days a week (one of which he actually goes to the Nanna, not the father). Three days a week is NOT 50/50 (there are 7 days in a week) and even when the child does go to the father, the mother gives him money to look after the child because he has no money owing to his refusal to look for work.

He is now trying to get her to go to a solicitor and sign a document falsely declaring that they have 50/50 shared care of the two yr old so he can get his JSA reinstated without him having to look for full time work. This could potentially leave her open to him making a claim for her child benefit and tax credits.

When she refused to sign the declaration he is now threatening to go to court for full custody of an eight week old newborn breastfeeding baby and a two yr old. Or possibly only the two yr old - OP doesn't seem to be sure about this.

OP has only recently given birth and is raising two babies on her own, she is having sleepless nights and is under considerable stress. Cut her some slack, please.

lindsaygalaxy

Please ignore some of the comments on here, some people just want a reaction. As I said on a previous thread, I was/am in a similar situation, but a year down the line from where you are (except my ex works, but still abusive as he was in the relationship). We tried mediation, it didn't work when no matter how much I compromised, now we are with solicitors, but still may end in court. I always get told im a bad mother, funny though never when i'm paying for things like birthday parties or school uniform. You MUST get a family law solicitor asap, there may be a few weeks before you even get to see one with legal aid. When he sorts his benefits you NEED TO go through the CSA, even if you get £5 a week, as further down the line when/if he works it saves arguments on what he should be paying. I used to/still get threats on full custody, and it can be frightening, but unless your children are in REAL danger, this wont happen.If he is on the birth certificates he will get shared custody unless there is a reason for him not to, but this doesnt mean 50/50 access. The children are still very young and need routine and stability, decide what you feel is best for the children and take it from there. If it goes to court, they will not say he doesn't need to work if he has the kids 3 nights a week, and wont let him have them if he cannot support them.

I would recommend you both try mediation first (which again is means tested) as you will only have to go to anyway (the courts send you). Saying that, I have an unreasonable ex, and I know that it isnt as easy at it all sounds. Book yourself a solicitor so everything is in writing. PS, DO NOT let him bully you, most of the time what he says will just be threats, be strong!

balletshoes

Broken_hearted wrote: »

Oh I agree the OP sounds exactly as you describe her and money problems deeply damage children emotionally.

Once you're bankrupt, you have no money problems (well, not compared to being in it up to your neck in debt anyway) - and in fact you are more likely to get good at budgeting once bankrupt, as you have no credit facilities at all to fall back on.

zzzLazyDaisy

lindsaygalaxy wrote: »

If he is on the birth certificates he will get shared custody unless there is a reason for him not to, but this doesnt mean 50/50 access.

Just to clarify - both parents on the birth certificate have shared Parental \Responsibility. This is not the same as shared custody (which although still used in common language, is no longer a legal term).

If there is a custody dispute a residence order will be made stating which parent the children are to live with. Normally with such young children this will be the mother.

A contact order will then be made, if the parents cannot agree arrangements between them, stating when and how often the children will have contact with the non-resident parent. This may or may not include staying contact (ie over night stays).

If the parents get into a 'custody battle' cafcass will become involved and will make recommendations about contact - see here for some info about cafcass

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/publications/leaflets_for_adults.aspx

I hope this helps, but please bear in mind that I am not a family lawyer, just someone with some personal experience of these matters.

peachyprice

balletshoes wrote: »

Once you're bankrupt, you have no money problems (well, not compared to being in it up to your neck in debt anyway) - and in fact you are more likely to get good at budgeting once bankrupt, as you have no credit facilities at all to fall back on.

Balletshoes, you really don't want to get into a discussion with Broken hearted about bankruptcy. She's been a martyr to paying off her OH's debts and thinks anyone who uses the last resort of bankruptcy to get their life back on track is complete scum who shouldn't be allowed to breath the same air as people who choose to grind themselves into the ground unnecessarily. I'm sure she truly believes OP going bankrupt makes her an unfit mother who deserves to lose both children. She's a tad bitter.

mumof1and1ontheway

Thank you to those who have given me really good advice. I am def not ashamed to going bankrupt. As I am in no position to pay off my debts. I do not mind struggling for the next 6 or so years to be debt free for my children.

The solicitor I saw at the beginning was a family solicitor. But for some reason as the divorce got further on a different solicitor took over. So I will find out if I can see her for some advice. As she also does CAB drop ins once a week for advice on family law. So I am guessing she will know her stuff.

The ex is indeed on the birth cert.. as he is their dad. I have no problem with that. I have no problem with him having them 3 nights and 3 days. It would be nice if I could get it all in writing though. So he has to pick up and drop off at specified times. As usually I will get a text a few hours early telling me he is on his way. So if I am out I end up rushing home etc.

thorsoak

Stop rushing home - stop dancing to his tune! He was the person who broke up your marriage by his adultery - and he has absolutely no right demand access without prior responsibility.

The next time you get a text from him - turn around - go in the opposite direction - go and see your mum - get on a train/bus - anything - and text him back saying "sorry - you should have given me some warning".

Whilst you continue to allow him to behave in this manner, he will continue to do so. You deserve some respect - and he should start treating you with respect.

You CAN do it!

mumof1and1ontheway

I know.. I'm far too nice/soft etc. Going to concentrate more on enjoying my time with my boys that stressing over his texts/phone calls/guilt tripping

clearingout

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

There is no way he is going to get full custody of an 8 week old baby who is still being breast fed and a 2yr old (and the courts are not going to split the children up either)

You need to start putting yourself and your children's welfare first, and get a solicitor to deal with his threats and intimidation.

Hun, I started the divorce process whilst carrying my ex-husband's third child. He behaved dreadfully. He tried very, very hard to get residency of all three children, has reported me to Social Services, even going as far as telling people I raped him to get pregnant so he wouldn't leave me. He didn't 'win'. Not in any way, shape or form!

It's over now. He capitulated - eventually. But it was terrifying and was particularly difficult when I had a newborn (who wasn't demanding at all compared to a baby with reflux) and is very, very hard to get things into perspective when you're tired and worried.

He does NOT have your eldest on a 50/50 basis. There are 7 nights a week, 3 is not half. He needs to have them 7 out of 14 to have them half. He actually has him for 6. Do not feel guilty about that - that is fantastic contact for both father and son and far, far more than many dad's get.

as for the newborn - no, a court is not going to simply hand him over. My ex honestly thought they would if he told them I was 'mad' and 'mentally ill'. I think he thought they'd say, 'oh, OK, Mr Clearing Out, of course you must have residency of the two boys and when the little one is born, you must have him too. Now off you go Mrs Clearing Out, you're a bad, bad mother. You must never see your children again'. It doesn't work like that. Honest!

Reading between the lines, this is a man who is trying dreadfully hard to manipulate and control you. He could have many motives for this - including seeing his children as much as he possibly can - but this is also your life and you have a say in it, as well as that of the children you both created.

You need legal advice. I think that would put your mind at ease and help you rest a little. We're not experts here and can't predict what may or may not happen but I can tell you with as much certainty as I can muster, that no one will take two small children from a mother without first ensuring that she is unable to cope and by not coping is putting them at risk. I mean genuinely unable to cope. Not being tired dealing with a newborn and a toddler who think he's the centre of the universe. None of us can cope with that - that's enough to make a saint cry, scream and run in the opposite direction.

Please, get the advice you need. Hear it from a solicitor. Be honest about your past depression - I am confident that it won't matter. Your ex is kicking off because he knows you're in a vulnerable place and thinks he can manipulate you into getting what he wants. I bet he's been nowhere near a solicitor himself. You MUST stand up to him now - or this is the rest of your life. Take care. PM me if you want to chat or need some support - been there, done that and survived. xxxx