Problem with girlfriend's parents

LewisC_2

Hi guys,

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 months now, and only properly met her parents for the first time on Saturday. To set the scene, we're both in our early 20s.

She is currently at university, 50-60 miles away, but lives at home with her parents out of term time (we went to the same school when we were younger, but only "met" a few months back). Now, her parents are understandably worried at the fact that it took three months to meet me, but I'm pretty shy with new people, especially when it's as major and important as meeting the parents of the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I kept putting it off, and it got harder as I realised they were getting more concerned that they hadn't met me.

Her family has one or two problems going on at the moment, so that's putting her parents under pressure at the moment, but it's starting to get a little too much. We went out on Saturday night to a pub and came back later than expected, even though we said we weren't sure when we'd be back, and told them exactly where we'd be. As a result, they played the "sitting awake in bed all night, worried sick" card. If it wasn't for the fact we're both adults, and they'd not even rung to check where we were and showed their concern, I wouldn't mind.

She's also mentioned that they've said things along the lines of not "letting him ruin your university course". In fact, although I've never agreed with universities and thought of them as nothing but useless, I'm forever making it clear to her that I want her to do well and to be happy with what she does. This is why I suggested she came back this weekend before the term starts, and not when she'll be busy with studies.

Before she went back, we had a big talk and decided it may be best to stay as friends whilst she's away at uni as we didn't want to put pressure on something special that could be resumed at a better time. That didn't last very long, and we were soon back together as we just couldn't bear to be apart.

All in all, it's a big misunderstanding. I can understand her parents being concerned because they hadn't met me before Saturday, but now they have and I thought they may be a little more understanding and realise that I'm not a monster. I just wanted the time to be right as getting on with her parents means a lot to me.

If anyone has any advice, or has been in a similar situation, please let me know as I love her to pieces and there's nothing I want more than to get on well with her parents

piper5

i didnt meet my boyfriends parents until after 8 months, and the circumstances i met them through was when i stayed at their house for a week... bit scary!!
i would ask your girlfriend to try and talk them round and to 'convince' them that you are genuine and you do not want to stop her from fulfilling her dreams i.e uni, as you support people you care for.
do you see you and your girlfriend long term??

LewisC_2

piper5 wrote:

i didnt meet my boyfriends parents until after 8 months, and the circumstances i met them through was when i stayed at their house for a week... bit scary!!
i would ask your girlfriend to try and talk them round and to 'convince' them that you are genuine and you do not want to stop her from fulfilling her dreams i.e uni, as you support people you care for.
do you see you and your girlfriend long term??

Yes, definitely. That's why it's so important to me that we all get on. She's tried talking to them, she says. Well, she's a bit like me and goes for sweeping things under the carpet instead of approaching people about them, but I know she's definitely realised something needs to be done.

In fact, they more or less asked her to choose between me and them. This was before they'd met me, and that was when the proverbial poop hit the fan for her, and she realised how unreasonable they were being and told them she'd choose me if she had to. Needless to say I wasn't too impressed!

davsidipp

lewisc they seem overprotective to me. you are in your twenties and i think parents should treat you as adults at your age. was in a similar situation as your g/f parents my daughter was seeing a chap who we thought was not good enough for her but she has been seeing him for over a year now and although i have said things about him i think as a parent you should let them make there own mistakes in life. as it turned out my daughters b/f is quite a nice bloke and we were too quick to judge. stick at it no matter what her parents say relationships are never plain sailing.

piper5

i wonder if maybe that are doing this so you prove yourself over a period of time, say in three months if you are still as eager and lovely as you are now, then they may lighten up!!
are you your girlfriends first serious relationship.. if you dont mind me asking?

ailuro2

Be nice to them, but don't let them get to you,or bother either of you with their behaviour.Like OP says,they are being over protective, or worrying too much.

Given time,they will realise what a nice young man you are, and how happy you make their daughter, and that you have no intention of dragging her away from Uni.

Sadly we can't choose our relatives, but looking on the bright side at least these two actually still care for their daughter.

MAybe next time you could all go somewhere for a meal- gives you more chance to impress them in neutral surroundings?

Oh, and if you have any intimate piercings/tattoos ,maybe it's best not to show them off to the would be inlaws?:rotfl:

Jamz

My other halves parents HATED me when we first got together, but now, 4 years down the line I am very close to them and me and the oh are getting married next year

going2die_rich

Question for her parents is, if it lasts till she finishes university what happens - does she move near you, do you move near her or do you see each over the distance?

Obviously the parents are worried she might think the distance is too much to bare and simply quit university to be near you. You've got to look at it from a parents point of view. They probably hear about you none stop since she's living at home. Maybe you should go up to see her more and the family, a few family meals will make them see you've got your feet on the ground and aren't about to let her throw away her university.

It might be best to be economical with the truth about your views on university as no doubt this girl will take on board any of your views and the last thing you want is for her to come to a point where she struggles or does a bad bit of coursework and then just quit since she knows how you feel anyway. Not to mention the parents will be helping to pay for their daughters university and they won't appreciate hearing you kicking the university approach to a career into the mud.

I would just take it slowly and not take everything you hear about yourself from your gf from her parents to heart. They'd be saying the same about any guy as this will be a first for them too and are worried of their daughter making a mistake and then regretting it.

Every guy is a monster in the parents eyes until they are proven otherswise. Just think down the line when your a parent, are you not going to check that your daughter isn't going to get carried away with the moment? They are just being protective parents, so just take slow steps to let her parents to get to know you. Remember that her parents will mean a lot to her so its best not to bite when the parents are grilling you in the future.

One thing to consider is, what are your plans for xmas? Do you go to hers, does she come to yours? Best have the plans ready as the distance might be a problem especially if they don't get to see their daughter over xmas, but the same with your parents. Obviously each of your parents will assume you are going to theirs so it's something to decide now to break it to the other at the right moment.

Horasio

I am sorry to hear about your predicament.

I can understand the parents, you and your girlfriend. I am currently a parent to our son at uni and I was once at uni myself, so know both sides.

This is the one time she has to get her education and they don't want anyone upsetting her. It is a natural parental protection instinct. I don't think it is you they are worried about. I don't think the comment about disagreeing with universities will do you any favours in their eyes but you are entitled to think that.

It is harsh them saying 'you or uni' to her. It will put her under pressure and upset her. They sound like strict parents and still see her as their 'little girl'. She will need to show them she is an adult, again it takes time.

The waiting up is a common annoyance, I go nuts when my son comes in later than he says. It is hard to unwind when someone is due home, so it keeps you awake. An element of worry does occur too. You could have rung or texted to say you would be later.

You say her parents have pressure, that will be stressing them too.

Your girlfriend sounds to be very fond of you.

If you really care about her and her parents, patience is the key. Backing off when she needs to study and showing understanding about her parents feelings. If you can convince the parents you won't disrupt her studies and really care about her, I am sure they will be more accepting towards you, but it will take time.

LewisC_2

piper5 wrote:

i wonder if maybe that are doing this so you prove yourself over a period of time, say in three months if you are still as eager and lovely as you are now, then they may lighten up!!
are you your girlfriends first serious relationship.. if you dont mind me asking?

Hi piper5,

No, she's been in a serious relationship before, but that went badly, so I can see why they're a little overprotective!

LewisC_2

ailuro2 wrote:

Be nice to them, but don't let them get to you,or bother either of you with their behaviour.Like OP says,they are being over protective, or worrying too much.

Given time,they will realise what a nice young man you are, and how happy you make their daughter, and that you have no intention of dragging her away from Uni.

Sadly we can't choose our relatives, but looking on the bright side at least these two actually still care for their daughter.

MAybe next time you could all go somewhere for a meal- gives you more chance to impress them in neutral surroundings?

Oh, and if you have any intimate piercings/tattoos ,maybe it's best not to show them off to the would be inlaws?:rotfl:

Thanks, some good advice there. And nope, no piercings or tattoos at all! Without blowing my own trumpet, I'm a young guy who doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, doesn't do raves, has a well-paid secure office job, so I do find it hard to see where they're coming from