Dumb in debt and danger

lornz23

good luck! I know you must be in a hard situation - please leave when it is safe for you to do so and don't leave it too late.

My heart goes out to you

barbiedoll

Jo..I really wouldn't worry about getting your stuff together, there will be a lot after 22 years together and to be honest, 99% of it isn't important. What is important is that you get out of there safely. If he gets wind of your plans, he will be unbearable and his violence will probably escalate. Gather together your photos of the kids, your i.d. (passport, driving license, birth certificates etc) and as many clothes as you can carry and go to your parents or children's house as soon as possible, tonight if you can. I cannot stress enough what a dangerous time this is for you. What if he opens any letters or takes any phone calls from creditors? You need to get away now.

It's great news about the appointment but you must stress to the housing officer that your husband is violent and abusive and that you are living in fear of him. Otherwise, they will not see you as a priority and you will be stuck there for much longer. Already, you are making excuses for him, no matter how "good" he is some of the time, his violence is intolerable as is his mental bullying. You are not to blame for the debt, he is the one who has been spending beyond his means. You should not feel guilty, you are not in the wrong. It's because he says that you are that you feel this way. Don't worry about the debts, they can be sorted out later, you need to get away from this man and you must not, under any circumstances, let him know where you are. If that means keeping it a secret from the rest of your family for the time being, then so be it.

I wish you well, and hope you manage to get your life back together, you deserve nothing less. Good luck, will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Primrose2004

jo6, I'd like to recommend a brilliant forum - mumsnet - there are lots of postings on there that I think would help your situation. There are lots of lovely people on there who will be able to give you invaluable advice.

Good luck with everything. Stay safe xx

beanielou

I am so glad you have deceided to go.

SuzySu

Jo...please take care of yourself and your children. Your safety is of paramount importance and I wish you all the luck in what must be a horrendous time for you.

HappyMJ

I know you don't want to do this but are the police aware of what happened. They should be made aware of the incident even after time has passed. He may be charged with Assault OABH or at the very least Common Assault and could be sent away to think about this for quite a long time. I'd move out first as any court action will take a long time to get to a conviction. Don't worry about destroying his life he's already destroyed yours. The police take this very seriously. If they determine he had every intention of causing you an injury the CPS may even go for a Assault GBH charge and he will not get bail before the trial and you'll have up to 5 years of peace. The best outcome you'll have is a Common Assault charge against him (he'll only get a fine first time) an order to stay away from you and if he ever gets near you you call the police again and report him he'll be arrested taken away and most probably warned and de-arrested elsewhere. If he keeps approaching you he'll eventually be charged.

saltnvinegar

Jo

Please please please listen to the overwhelming opinion on this matter.

This person who abuses you cannot call himself a man, or a husband, or even a human being.

His violence towards you is not your fault.

You've had so much good advice and support already on this. Please find the strength to listen to it and follow it.

You have 6 fantastic children, and parents, who I'm sure will protect you from him. Listen to them and let them help you.

Best

SnV

jo6 wrote: »

When this all came about he broke his hand on my forehead when he punched me and this left me with 2 black eyes that if I didnt hide properly would cause a bigger row..

Now it turns out that all my kids I have 6 think I should leave, his parents my parents friends and family all think I should leave but I got us into debt and dont know what way it will would be worked out. I feel so guilty and i cant take any more. Apparently everyone has thought for years that I shouldnt have to put up with him but how will I live and how do I go without him causing a row.. Like I said he is really scary, and do I just bring the debt with me???

MrsTinks

Move out as soon as you can - go to a refuge they take your safety VERY seriously and you will be safe there. For now to get things out SHOULD he notice then just tell him that you're sellign things to help repay the debts and you're only selling things that are not his... Hopefully should he notice he won't question it...
I have a customer who provides internet to a refuge site near here and arranging anything for there is a nightmare as NO-ONE without an appointment is allowed in - they have to make appointments and they are escorted round and all bills are in the organisations name so no-one can be tracked there...
Please know that you will be safe if you go!

Get out as soon as you can - speak to the councillors and let your kids speak to them too... it's not fair on you and definitely not on them! The longer they put up with watching dad smack mum about the more likely they are to think that's ok and will end up in similar circumstances themselves... stop the cycle!

We're all here if you need us

jillby

Good luck jo, keep strong hun x

RAS

Jo

The first thing is that you need to get yourself and the younger children somewhere safe.

Can you confirm that the Child Benefit is in your name?
Please sort out a basic bank account in your name only; I suggest you go for a Co-op Cashminder unless you owe them money.

Once you get out, you need to do a few things.

1. Move all the benefits payment to your new bank account
2. Inform the Council and utilties that you have left (take meter readings before you go and phone them in then follow up with a letter).
3. Go to the old bank, take out whatever money you can, then tell the bank that from that point, all new debits on the account require both signatures. You need to do the same with all your joint credit cards etc.

That way you can stop him running up more debt in your name.

Loads of hugs, take care and just to add that we will be here for you when you are safe.