Dumb in debt and danger

jo6

Have posted in ages.. My husband finally found out about our debt and to start with said he would support me and we would sort it out...

Long story short CAB is dealing with debts but husband is being a complete pig.

Married for 22 years have about 40000 in credit card debt and remortgaged house for more than was worth so cant even sell it. Husband knew nothing but was willing to spend what he could when he could and expect to have money in the bank. I have no jewellery my clothes are given to me by my mums boss. My husband always has clothes and whatever hobby he takes up gets the best of equipment for. He also spends at least £50 on drink a week, and has told me that one of my punishments is that I am not allowed to drink ever again (not that I did much anyway).

He says I have destroyed all our lives and he is right but he is quite scary and I have never been able to talk to him about any of this because he always shouts and blames first..

He has always been mentally abusive and has already put my 2 eldest children out to live with there grandparents they are 22 and 21 and not in the least bad but he is very controlling and they had to be in bed for 10 like me and werent allowed to do anything they wanted.

When this all came about he broke his hand on my forehead when he punched me and this left me with 2 black eyes that if I didnt hide properly would cause a bigger row..

Now it turns out that all my kids I have 6 think I should leave, his parents my parents friends and family all think I should leave but I got us into debt and dont know what way it will would be worked out. I feel so guilty and i cant take any more. Apparently everyone has thought for years that I shouldnt have to put up with him but how will I live and how do I go without him causing a row.. Like I said he is really scary, and do I just bring the debt with me???

Lost confused and in debt

Norman_Bean

Hi Jo

Your post has really scared and saddened me and I didn't want to read and run.

I don't know anything about debt I'm afraid but I'm sure someone will be along soon to help with that. BUT I do know that you should not be being treated like this and suffering from this physical and mental abuse.

Your children and parents are right - you need to leave.

Can you go to live with your parents until you sort yourself out?

I have added a link from MSE Families about Refuge - I hope it helps.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

I'm so sorry I can't help more .... but please get away from this man ASAP. Big hugs, I am thinking of you.

Norman x x

life_in_termoil

Huge hugs to you Jo.

I was in a similar position to you awhile back, you need to get out!! Sounds scary and daunting but I found womens aid and they answered everything I needed to know, they found me a house and helped me with court orders and restrictions. Dont be scared you will be fine. Taking the first step is always daunting but Im glad I did it and my life is my own now. I dont have to worry if the housework isnt done, or I havent got my make up on, or keep my opinions to myself, can go to bed when I want, if I fancy going to see friends I can.

Like I said give womens aid a ring, you can find the number HERE

I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do

LIT xxx

jonjamie1970

As a man I too couldnt walk away without saying anything, Im sorry your going through a nightmare like this. He obviously cannnot be confronted and has to pick on someone I am assuming is smaller and weaker than him.
What a coward, ring the numbers above and get moved, your debt can be sorted afterwards and he will be jointly responsible, get help for you and your children.

Lots of Love

dancingfairy

I agree with the other posters - you should speak to someone who can help you. They should be able to help you make plans to get out safely. 40,000 is quite a lot of debt but it is nothing compared to your health and wellbeing - you obviously have family and friends around who are concerned.
Debt is an unfortunate fact of modern life but it is no reason to suffer mental and physical abuse.
I'm sure there will be benefits you can claim - council tax benefit, housing benefit, income support etc etc - with regards to the debt you can get advice on this from lots of charities such as your local CAB orNational Debtline but you need to get somewhere safe where you can begin to think clearly.
Good Luck to you.
df

life_in_termoil

P.S
Try to forget about the debt for now, your main priority is you and your children, the debts can be sorted out ONCE YOU ARE SAFE!!!!

poppy811

Hi

I am so sorry you are in this position. You really do need professional help urgently. Please ring your nearest womens refuge. The violence will escalate - it always does. His behaviour is not your fault and his bullying is not part of a normal relationship.

shamac

You might find this forum useful if you take the decision to leave-which you know in your heart is the right thing to do

http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/you-being-badly-treated-41/

Hope that helps

stay safexx

DS4215

Is the debt in your name, his name or joint? If its in his, just walk away and leave him to it.

mummum2

Agree with the all the above, get out now and sort the debt out when you're in a clearer frame of mind. He does not deserve you or your children........:mad:. Take care of you and sending you lots of hugs and stregth to get through this.

MM2 x

GeorgeUK

Husband knew nothing but was willing to spend what he could when he could and expect to have money in the bank. I have no jewellery my clothes are given to me by my mums boss. My husband always has clothes and whatever hobby he takes up gets the best of equipment for. He also spends at least £50 on drink a week, and has told me that one of my punishments is that I am not allowed to drink ever again

In other words, you were living beyond your means, but he was the one doing all the spending? He is not a child and knows that if you spend more than you earn, you're going to get into debt.

He says I have destroyed all our lives and he is right but he is quite scary and I have never been able to talk to him about any of this because he always shouts and blames first..

If you were the one that spent all the money then he still wouldn't be right. You did not destroy your lives - you can get out of debt and still have a life afterwards. There is always a way out of debt, it's not easy but there's always a way.

When this all came about he broke his hand on my forehead when he punched me and this left me with 2 black eyes that if I didnt hide properly would cause a bigger row..

Do you have a job?
Did you report him to the police?

I got us into debt

Can you explain this?
Is it because you were in charge of paying the bills that you are taking all the blame?
I got into debt by gambling. Some here have got into debt by buying things.
Where did your debt 'come from'?

and dont know what way it will would be worked out.

If you have joint accounts/loans/mortgage, you are both liable for this. If he has his own creditcards/overdrafts, then these are his debts and if you have your own, those will be yours. Take a look at your credit file to see what is there. It should also tell you what debts are joint. (free at experian/equifax if you cancel within 30 days)

I feel so guilty and i cant take any more.

You feel guilty?
Why, for breaking his hand by smashing your head against it?

Do you blame yourself because he blames you? Please don't. Lots of people get into debt and struggle through it. Most don't need to put up with the threat of physical violence though. This is what you need to deal with before even thinking of tackling the debt. Debt can be scary, but it can be overcome - abuse like this you need to get away from. How often does he hit the children? Has he ever put them or you in hospital? Please contact one of the organisations or a refuge that will be able to help.