Life after bankruptcy?

Erme

I'm up for an edinburgh mini meet (even though it's about 7 hours travelling for one day)

Ani is this your depression raising it's ugly head? Hugs. I hope it improves. I really enjoyed your last post. I think you do really well though I appreciate the 'vanity' when it strikes.

Know we are here for you when you need us and we care

E

recoverydust

More than happy to host folk travelling to meet in Scotland overnight. Ani can testify that we are really quite nice.....
Xxxx
Dusty

ani_26

I have been reading an old diary this morning. I stumbled across it by chance. It's been very upsetting, reading it. The sort of diary where you think people are discussing you. Of course, you can't be 100% sure it's you they are talking about, but 99.9% is enough? Not so nice comments. I wallow in self pity instead of getting on with things. I don't take other peoples advice. Continually writing in all consuming negativity and not trying to help myself. I shouldn't seek help from virtual friends and seek professional help.You've no idea how much help i have sought from " professional ", who are too, still banging their heads against a brick wall, on my behalf. Not everything in life is cut and dried and goes according to plan, or as it should. I should do something about my misfortunes rather than putting them out in a publc domain. Negativity isn't a good thing where people are struggling. So we should all play at being positive and happy? I am selfish?

But someone said, just because they don't think like us, they still have a right to be here. There are many motives for having a diary. My " motive" wasn't sinister in any way. Far from it. It was just an offloading of thoughts, from someone having the most horrendous real life experience. Maybe naive, but still. That's what it's always been. Who is anyone to judge? But then, reading between the lines, it evokes experiences and feelings other people have or are experiencing too? So it's easier to walk away? Self preservation? Those comments really hurt me at the time and they are hurting again today. I shouldn't let the comments from people i don't even know, hurt me. I'm sure they don't spend any time thinking about me? Indeed, most of those posters no longer post on mse? I am still here. Only just. But i am.

I read somewhere recently, how sad it must be to live out your life on the internet. What sort of person would do this? The sort of person who has no life in real life? And just because you have a diary, doesn't mean to say someone has to read it. It's entirely your choice. No one put a gun to your head. So don't criticise. Thriving on negativity and living for doom and gloom. Does anyone seriously think i enjoy living like this? You have no idea of the toll it takes on your very existence.


So what has provoked all this. The fact i seem to still be right back at square one. More and even more letters these last few weeks, culminating with three more last weekend. Sure, i took my dro. Five days after it was approved, i encountered another problem with an old bank account, which still hasn't been resolved almost three months down the line, threatening the dro. Nothing more i can do about it. I've done everything humanly possible to sort this one. It wasn't my fault in the first place. Debts seem to have a knack of seeking me out, despite my total avoidance of incurring them in the first place. Someone elses human error. Impacting on my life, yet again. Two more debts incurred after the dro. Nothing to do with my actions. I didn't borrow money. I would never borrow money, ever again. End of. If you don't have money, you can't live. Simples. With two factions now deciding they want benefits back, and with two factions now potentially stopping benefits, how do i live? I haven't falsely claimed anything. I now have debt management on my back. Don't agree to pay anything, ** say. It doesn't matter whether you agree to pay it or not, because they still have the power to take it back from you, whether you agree or not. I'm still in a mess. I still don't know how much rent or council tax i should be paying on a weekly basis, because my benefits as ever, still change on a weekly basis. How can you manage money if you never know your financial situation from week to week? Literally. I'm not talking about having a fixed salary or fixed ( such as they are) benefits, coming your way every month or every week. Total financial instability proves for total mental instability, too.


It has all escalated yet again, this week, and finally, the big cheese themself is writing to god. Finally, finally, finally. It's a bit after the event, isn't it? ** has now been helping with my case for almost a year now. That's almost another year instead of thinking of my health, trying to fight a rather stupid and rigid system. If it weren't for a third party seeing at first hand, the mess and incompetence of so many governmental departments, who would believe it? I could be forgiven for thinking i'm going mad? It's one of the most complex cases they've had. You're telling me. I've been trying to cope with *'s messes for several years now. And the impact it has had on my life. I'm still worrying how i'm going to pay my bills with the potential cut of benefits. I'm not thinking about buying wine, or clothes or holidays or social nights out or new cars or even food from supermarkets, for that matter.This is poverty at its very core, and how it affects your life and well being. You don't know anyone's life, unless you have been there. I know *** has been there. Maybe that's why they have spent so long on my case. In the meantime i am in a dark place with it all. Who wouldn't be? Few people would have the strength to be where i am now. I don't care what anyone says.

Hiddenidenity

Nothing useful to say sorry but ((Hugs)) x

ani_26

There isn't anything anyone can say or do, frankly.

And all because of one person sat in an office somewhere.

They have had such an impact on my life.

You can't draw blood out of a stone, despite anything anyone says.

beanielou

So sorry to read this.
Nothing I can say.
Dare I say keep plodding xx

ani_26

beanielou wrote: »

Dare I say keep plodding xx

You just did.

How very dare you..................:eek: :whistle:

ani_26

It's one of those days when the tiredness and hopelessness has set in and it's here to stay. Until my situation changes one way or the other. My situation may be unique to me, and it's left me how i'm feeling. No doubt about it. Any aspirations to be dfw, belong to other people in quite franky, more stable positions, than me. For now at any rate. You never know what is around the corner and what is going to hit you. Especially if you have had no one in your life to help support you financially and emotionally, for 20 years. It's an uncertain time with no guaranteed income, for the forseeable future. For the future, full stop, for that matter. It is difficult to see further than the next minute, but if you don't have your health, you have nothing. There's no chance of me working, like this. Even the strongest person caves in, eventually. Even the superhuman.


I have debts. Yes. I've no idea how much, nor do i care. Not debts i have incurred by irresponsible spending or borrowing. Debts from a system i have no control over. I don't have control over anything. Every governmental agency has access to every detail about me. Do i care? I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to hide away from. Do i do things that "normal " people do? No. Do i food shop like other people do? No. I've spent £8 on food this week, which will last me the whole week. Somewhat of an extravagance. I bought two cooked chickens for £7, as i thought it was grossly expensive to buy the one. They've shot up in price, in little under a week. The other £1 was my 10p purchases, carrots, bananas, red and green peppers, a cucumber, 2 kilos of potatoes, a cauliflower and broccoli oh, and a loaf of bread for 50p. But there goes a variety of stews, soups, curries, salads and sandwiches. Covered. I still buy things on a daily basis, as i need them. No need for menu planning. No need for expensive luxuries, except maybe the chickens. That was an expensive luxury.

Many people don't realise how fortunate they are, in their ivory towers. Because, that's what they are, in my opinion. Ivory towers. There's a whole new underclass of soceity out there, which many people could not comprehend. How could they? That's not me, you might say. But you never know. The next homeless person you encounter on the street. Look in the mirror. It could be you, at any time. Not me. In my experience, many phlebs like me, are also well educated. Teachers, airline pilots, well educated, professional high earners. Maybe that's something to do with the reason it all goes ptong. In fact, sometimes i'm convinced it is. I've run out of words and energies. In fact, i've run out of everything. Except vegetables, that is.

So_Sad_Angel

Hi Ani, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: have a hug Hun...its a tough world and you and I both know that these setbacks just keep on coming at us...stay strong.

Text if you need a chat or even if you want to have a rant.

I`m not around much these days but I am still lurking...Work is all consuming for me but at least the weekend is on the horizon...phew.

Angiexx

Erme

Hugs Ani......

I feel pants and I feel cold...how are you dealing with the cold? And I have a stomach bug and like everything else

Anyhow might just get the good ole hot water bottle and wrap up in the duvet with my book and my laptop

E