Life after bankruptcy?

ani_26

Funny you should say that, as i've spent more on plants than food, so far this week. I now have a whole host of plants which need err, planting , when and if, it stops raining.

Yesterday i spent a whole, yes, a whole £12.50 in total, on some new friends for my garden. Oh dear. Three more lupins, ( one pink, i know of,) ( also good sc fodder,) two fuchias, one the traditional pink and purple, and one white, ( which i've never seen before,) and another highly expensive daisy, broadway lights, coming in at £5 :eek:














Never mind. I just fancied a bit of colour.



On the food front i have spent, err, not much. :rotfl:


I made an otpot with my 20p mushies, 10p carrots, and FREE potatoes from the garden.:p Well, i class them as free, as they only cost 10p in the first place, and as i was throwing them away anyway, i just threw them into the garden, instead. :rotfl: Yes. I successfully grew some spuds, i haven't got food poisoning, and what did they taste like? Something which has been grown in earth. A very earthy taste to them. Probably what spuds should taste like? I also had a treat as i bought two freshly baked ( almost ) scones for 10p, ( i don't normally eat scones, but DID i enjoy them,) and i've bought 3 small freshly baked loaves of bread across the course of the week, priced 10p each. Which reminds me, i should go to the shop. Apparently there should be some eggs to be had for 10p.

recoverydust

Hi Ani,
Good news on the spuds. We got precisely none out of our crop, but the ones I planted late in pots are big and strong. So maybe for Xmas.
The plants look lovely too
Are you managing to get sorted in your kitchen yet?
Big hugs
Dusty
Xxx

ani_26

The kitchen is on the way to being sawted. The kitchen has now been installed, finally, as nothing comes without problems, in my world. However, the kitchen now needs decorating, the result of all the plastering, etc, etc. The kitchen is also still devoid of that appliance which makes any kitchen, a kitchen. A cooker? The cooker is on it's way. I just have yet to choose it, as i can only deal with one problem, at a time. If i were being optimistic and looking to the future, i would look to this place being sawted by xmas. Xmas. I hate xmas. It's always a difficult time. Not financially, but emotionally. I don't have thousands of presents to buy, unlike those who are already xmas shopping.

Anyway. The kitchen needs decorating, preferably before a cooker is installed. Bizarrely, i have no emotions about my new kitchen. I know i'm fortunate to receive it. Apparently i was first on the list for this " round " of new kitchens, and given the stastics they gave me and the number of ha properties, new kitchens are like gold dust, so of course, i am eternally thankful. Apparently it's american style, after a fashion, ( i chose it,) and it's probably the best little kitchen you would find in a ha property, at this point in time. So why is it still not sinking in? The good news is, my washing machine still works, despite all the rust which came out of the pipes, so at least there's no need to buy a replacement washing machine, for now. No more expensive trips to the launderette. As an aside, all the wm's in the launderette have now been repaired. Typical.

I doubt anyone who is on benefits could say they are rolling in it.I am now at the mercy of the benefits system, dwp, the local council, etc. This last few weeks has been reminisce of times not so long ago. My benefits are still changing, on a weekly basis. I received a letter saying hb and ctb had been suspended, which sends you into a state of chronic panic. The anxiety, stress, and panic attacks are getting worse, strangely. Many phone calls later and another mound of letters later, the equilibrium has been redressed, for a short time? Until the next round, that is. Wr and ta are still dealing with my case with hmrc, which is, as ever, ongoing, and for the most part, i now leave this in their hands, as they can progress no further forward, than i could. I am now almost 3 months into the dro. Can you believe it? However, hmrc " magicked " a new debt to them, as soon as i'd taken the dro, so i am unsure as to when i'll be debt free, and to be honest, i don't even worry or contemplate it anymore. It seems debts follow me around, despite my attempts to not incur them in the first place, although they are relatively " small time " debts compared to others i see on the site now. I couldn't go to that place, ever again. I couldn't live with being in so much debt. You still see people in debt going to the hairdressers, buying clothes, shoes, etc, etc. All unnecessary items when you are in debt? You don't need these additional items to live. It's simple. I now lead such a simple life, which currently works, for me. None of this bulk buying lots of items you don't need and may not need. I live, still, in the minute. Literally. I only buy things as i need them. It works well, for me at any rate, there is no waste.Okay i had a bit of a blip yesterday and i bought a rare treat. Some buns, but i donated a few quid to a cancer charity, for the pleasure. I also bought a cooked chicken, which is also now a rarity, bringing my spend on food up to £10, this week. The chicken will service a variety of meals, for several days. How come people " need " to spend hundreds of pound on food per month? I just don't get it. What a shocking amount of money. Maybe after everything i've been through, i've ended up being Mr Scrooge? But i have to be.


Sit down and look at what you really need?


We all need love.


It's an uneasy status quo to be in. At any point, i could be " made " to return to work. At a time in my life when i was looking to retire, i'm looking, eventually probably, to have to return to the workforce, doing a job i may hate, on a low income, because i'm made to. That's how it appears from this side of the fence, anyhow. But i refuse to contemplate work, as i know it's impossibilty, right now. I am most definitely, not fit for work. I now ignore people who say, tosh, pick yourself up and you can do anything. I've always had that attitude and i've done this so many times in my life. I am now listenting to myself and my body, and although i've managed to keep my mind, as it were, my body says, no more. I am unable to do many of the physical activities my mind still tells me i can and want, to do. But my mind is still, in some respects, in another stratosphere. I am, indeed, completely oblivious of danger even though, somewhere, deep down, i know.


For now, i need to concentrate on the slow process of tidying, as beanie would say, clutter castle. It's not a castle, but it does indeed need tidying. It's become a huge mess, and far worse then when i moved in. Largely because most of the contents of the kitchen are still residing in my living room. The kitchen needs decorating, a good clean up, and i can finally start unpacking? I still never use the word home.

I am honestly not sure about continuing a diary. I am sure ultimately, no one will miss me? I feel hurt by what has happened, and maybe i, as always, cut my own nose off to spite my face? But trust seems to be nothing but a word, to most people these days? Ultimately, there is only one person who cares about and is going to look after yourself, and that is yourself. Maybe i 've been through a lifetime of hurt to reach this conclusion. But i still feel totally isolated and i am living a life of almost total isolation, and that's no way to live life?

ani_26

recoverydust wrote: »

Hi Ani,
Good news on the spuds. We got precisely none out of our crop, but the ones I planted late in pots are big and strong. So maybe for Xmas.
The plants look lovely too
Are you managing to get sorted in your kitchen yet?
Big hugs
Dusty
Xxx

I forgot to say. The lily loves the kitchen window sill, and has perked up, no end. Maybe it's my green fingers?

beanielou

I would miss you.
Take care of you xx

recoverydust

Pleased to hear about the kitchen, but not happy that the depression and anxiety is settling in. I wish we had been able to meet the second time, perhaps cemented a bit the beginnings of getting to know and trust each other. But then I forget my own health limitations when making lovely plans to be here there and everywhere.....
Do you have a plan for the winter, something to catch your enthusiasm like gardening has during the spring and summer? How is the yoga going?
You know how very welcome you will be in edinburgh and it would be fantastic to spend time with you.
Not sure when we will make it south again, driving through that storm took it right out of me.
Have a good and sunny weekend. Pleased that the lily is thriving again
Much love
Dusty xxxx

beanielou

If you could manage Edinburgh Ani, then we could all have a wee mini meet.

recoverydust

Beanie, that sounds really cool. I would love that.
Have a good weekend
Xxxx

recoverydust

someone sent me this quote:

Live for yourself as well as others. Life is too short to be living with regrets. Life is too short to care about what other people think about you. If you are happy with who you are and what you do, then that is all that matters. Opinions from those who don’t matter to you personally, shouldn’t matter at all. Live your life the way that you want to. Don’t dwell on the past, it’s there for a reason. Remember to always stay true to who you are no matter what anyone else says about you, in the end, you know who you really are whereas they don’t. Don’t let anyone bring you down in life, because you have every right to be happy and every right to be here. Never let anyone make you feel any less of yourself, because you don’t deserve it. Don’t ever second guess how beautiful you are, on the outside as well as on the inside. Treat your body with respect, don’t take everything out on yourself. Don’t run away from your problems, face them. You are much stronger than you think. And always, always remember that you are here for a reason ♥

beanielou

You have a good weekend too recovery