Life after bankruptcy?

So_Sad_Angel

Hi NH

Good luck on going back to work....first few days will be tough but it will get easier & you will probably sleep better too.

Fabulous news on the car :T:T I am really pleased as I know how much that car means to you.

Take care

ani_26

Thanks for your replies.

Hmm, sleep. I was told today, its like your subconscious i think, that wakes you up. Saying, you've still got unresolved issues in your mind. Extreme stress, i suppose. Theres only one person on the whole planet, you can trust. It has been therapeutic to offload my thoughts. But true gems are few and far between. I'm a gem. A true Diamond. How about that, for positive thinking. You spend your life with other people saying to you, do this do that. I'm being told now, why are you running that car? Well, i'm stuck with it now, because i'm bankrupt. I've spent alot of money on it, and better the devil you know. I could change to another car, and end up having to spend on that. Money i have'nt got right now. Sw, i do have some photos of my car, on my computer. Some of the few photos i have. Because most of my photos are in my memory. Eternally. I can visualise them anytime i care to. In fact, i'm not one for hanging pictures on the wall. But i've found a photo i took of one of Concorde, many years ago, in the move. Something to be proud of really. My ex had it enlarged to what? a huge print, and framed it, because they said it was so good. I've always hated photography, too. But i caught Concorde coming in to land at the airport, against a backdrop of the sun setting. Its the first time the photo has hung on the wall in years. I suppose i should be proud of it. It was'nt taken with any pre planning. just an off the cuff photo. I suppose it is rather magical. And i took it.

It was suggested today i create a wish list. I think thats something similar to what firewalker suggests. Thats where i really struggle, even to find something totally simple. Because i'm a free spirit,and i really won't conform, whatever anyone says to me, the only things i can put on my wish list now, involve travel, and the countries i want to visit, but still have'nt. I suppose i should say, be happy.But you can't wish to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind. Of inner being. So my big, big dream was to visit Galapagos, which i've achieved. I just had to go there. So my next dream on the list, is to go to the antartic, sail the Drake Passage. My next dream after that was to visit New Zealand, which is probably more achievable, financially. Machu picchu. Hmm, maybe i should have gone there whilst i was relatively close.

That about sums it up. Maybe start doing some yachting again. See, i have great sense of adventure, to the extent i even had the dream job, at one point. But everything comes with a price. Wish list, they said. Start again with small steps. From nothing. Right at the bottom again.The only way is up, is'nt it ? But you should'nt feel regrets, but i do. I can't help it. Oh, and i'd love to help with conservation and Orangutans, in Borneo.

Oh , thats another biggie, too. I've never seen a whale. I've been many places around the world, hoping to see a Whale, and i never have. Still, it is possible to see minke Whales off the coast of Scotland i believe. Maybe the impossible is possible after all. So i have managed to find one or two things for my wish list, after all. Well theres a surprise.

Maybe this site, and my diary is a harsh reminder of everything i've been through. Maybe i should try and leave it all behind and try and look to a future.

savingwannabe

I used to wake up at 1,2,3,4 o'clock in the morning and have nightmares or just could not sleep writing was the way to offload. And gosh, no hope what writing. Marvellous stuff, marvellous, keep your dreams. With what you are going through it shows how strong you are to be able to recall them.

The Galapagos Islands hey? My first teaching job involved supervising a student's dissertation he was studying a tourism postgrad degree and he was from the Galapagos islands. Wow. When i achieve a visit there i will have achieved self actualisation. And you have done it already.

I like you. Please keep writing your diary as you are helping to keep me going too.

NB i am being purely selfish if we have a reunion please bring photos of the Islands ok.

hugs, kit

Money_Fritter

Hi Nohope,

Keep going and keep believing.

We believe in you!!!

Money Fritter

beanielou

Seconded by me.
Hope today went ok.

ani_26

What did i say, right there at the beginning? I hate diaries? Maybe totally stupid and a folly to bare your innermost thoughts to other people. Especially people you can't see, or don't know, or don't know you, as a person. The worst thing to do, to lay yourself on the line, and open to more hurt, from people you don't even know. So. Don't let names on a forum upset you. Because they don;t know what its like, to be you. Not exactly. They may have similar experiences, but no one can experience exactly how, you have, are still feeling. Not your inner being. But i am strong. After all. I'm still alive.I can't say i've reached that stage where theres hope yet, but i'm living day to day. Small steps. One step forward, two steps back .Does that mean you ever move forward? I can't work out the logistics.

This is still my very personal diary, and as so, i can say exactly what i want here. Is'nt that freedom of speech? Its been a strange week. Getting blanked in a safe haven. A place i've found to offload how it really is. Its funny. i don't particularly care anymore if i am identified. What do i have to lose? Nothing .Absolutely nothing. I've lost it all already. My pride, my dignity, my innermost being. My home, a substantial amount of my possessions, which i've still left in my home, my will to life. I still just exist. Nothing more. Exist. As i now try to rehabilitate myself in to work again. Like nothing has happened. Because no one really cares, and thats the truth. Not even i, have time to care about me, as i know i have to start ' earning ' again, as i have bills to pay from my old home too. Onto night shifts this week.Try and maintain that job until i'm sacked for falling asleep. Who knows how long that will last? At least its short term. Another shock my system has to adjust to, in my already malfunctioning sleep patterns. The target xmas. Not so i can celebrate. Only so i can celebrate having some money in my bank account, and then the plan. Just to stay in bed for a day or two. Do nothing. Pretend the rest of the world does'nt exist. Maybe thats part of the process i need right now. I do need some serious time, to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. All these weeks of packing and moving things, largely on my own. Theres still things to do, but i have to go back to work. the world where no one knows whats happened to me, or how i'm feeling. Except, of course, there are people who may identify me. Like the or, is, advice agencies, even my gp, work colleagues etc etc. What does it bloody matter? This is the real me, and this is how i'm feeling. This is how anyone can end up feeling. What goes around, comes around. There but the grace of god..................................... except, i don't believe in god

savingwannabe

You keep saying whatever you want to say. This is your space to say whatever you want. In a way the fact that noone knows at work is good as you will be anonymous and you can forget for a while when you are at work if that is possible.

You may choose not to believe in God, even Mother Theresa had doubts who are we to judge you? But i am still praying for you and i believe that things will get better. Dont worry about being identified. I have been identified Trolls know who i am. Do i care? I am me and l like being me. You are an amazing individual be proud of who you are. You are facing this dreadful time with confidence and machismo. And do you know what most of us are still here and we will continue to be as we consider you to be a friend. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

This is going to sound so stupid to you - but you are used to my nonsense - you are very well read No Hope and you may wish to look at Firewalker's thread. She is thinking of starting a reading/book club if you have time i would really value your views on any books that come up. You are one of the best writers i have come across in this forum so far.

crumbling

people do care my friend x x

When you manage your couple of precious days doing 'nothing', let me know and I'll join you in spirit as I'm almost wiped out!

X x x

ani_26

Oh crumbling, i'm with you in spirit. I feel for you, too.

Its the usual time for me, when i feel most lonely. You know the xmas eve, xmas day scenario. A time for families to be together, and all the media hype just makes you feel worse. So i think i'll just hibernate at xmas. So long as i don't end up feeling like i did, last xmas. I suppose the grass is always greener, but its always a reminder that people that made your xmas, are no longer present. In fact its 30 years ago, almost, since my father passed away, before xmas.

crumbling

I'm sorry It's such a sad time of year for you x
I detest it with a vengeance too but feel obliged to 'enjoy' it for the sake of my child.

I am very fortunate to still have both of my parents but who knows for how long so I will again endeavour to be jolly for them no matter how I feel inside.

If I had my way? Lie on a sundrenched beach and ignore it or volunteer to much in with a homeless charity.