Life after bankruptcy?

ani_26

:grouphug: Hugs Aesop :grouphug:

ani_26

I see little point wasting hours writing my thoughts, only to have them deleted, without so much as a by your leave. To me, this is disrespectful. Yes i know my thoughts aren't worth the cyberspace they are written on. Nothing ever belongs to you, not even your thoughts. Binned at the push of a button. This person is a nobody, worthless. Why waste the time?

Its almost a year and little has changed, except i DID survive the bankruptcy and the repossession, and i suppose, the cancer, for now. I've just been for some more tests, and i'm awaitng the results. Pushed to the back of the mind, as ever. Seems like a never ending roundabout. When you think, some people pay thousands of pounds for cosmetic operations, and so the list could go on...............


I still don't feel i have anything to live for, which is maybe why i'm so cavalier about body parts, ( healthy ones ). Its still of no consequence to me or anyone else whether i exist as a human being or not.


Its very saddening to see the way people can behave on an internet forum. Maybe its easier to behave badly when people can't see who you are, or don't know you as a person. But then again, the past few weeks have got to me. Being at an all time financial low, again, being in the midst of the riots, has made me question, just what is it all about? What is wrong with people nowadays? We live in a soceity where no one cares about anything or anybody. Well, it feels like that to me. We have no respect for other people, their feelings, their possessions, their property, their livelihood. These are people who simply don't care about what they have done.They do it as often as they get the chance to. I heard about young children aged 9 yrs old, looting a supermarket, whilist their parents brought the car round to load it up, so you cannot necessarily blame the parents.I was there as the rioting started. It was frightening because you are at the mercy of human beings? who have no respect for you as a person or for authority. You are powerless.They wouldn't think twice about attacking you, believe me. I was walking down the back to avoid the predicted riot the following day, and came across two children lurking, no more than 10 years old. I looked them full on in the eye, go on do it, if your'e going to. 20 yards up the street an old man chided me. You shouldn't be walking up here on your own. No. I did it to avoid the rioters. They'll look at you and wouldn't think twice. I was right to be alert. To be frightened of primary school kids. What is the world coming to? The only positive was to see the community clearing up the following morning, largely students, with their brushes and dustpans. Not to let yourself be beaten by behaviour like this. Just setting fire to property and shops, looting, for no other reason than because you can? Its like something out of 1984. It took a few days for the wariness factor return to normal.



I think i was born in the wrong century. I still don't understand the way people behave or write, and i will never join what i can't beat.


Ha well that thread has been closed now, too. As someone said, i can't understand how people behave on the net, or real life for that matter. Probably just because they can. Or maybe it gives them a power they are lacking in real life or as a person. There are lots of people i would like to meet, names that i've grown to have associations with. Some, i would like to meet to see what they are really like in real life. I mean REALLY like. Not the persona or ego(s) they portray on the internet or cyberspace. Are these people truly like this in real real life, to their wives, partners? Do their partners know? What would they say if they saw the ' other ' side of people? The cyberperson?


Others i will always remember, even if they DO belong to all these other sites. I know there is a great underworld to which i don't belong. I think someone said, was it karmacat?a way back. I would always be on the outside. I'm not entirely sure what this meant, but my memory is still reasonably functioning. Do we have to be part of a clique or group of people to exist? I guess most people do. Safety in nunbers and all that. But if nothing else, i've always had my own strength. I broke a whole cycle of abuse, is living proof of my strength as a person. You don't have to be the same as anyone else.You don't have to do anything. You don't have to follow a pattern. People have always said to me, how can you do that on your own? Because i can. Because i'm alone doesn't mean to say i don't have the courage to go and do what i want to do. I'm one of the most outgoing people there is, but through circumstances maybe i've got into a withdrawl cycle. But i won't let anything stop me. If i want to do it, i'll do it.


I suspect this may have to be written in two posts

Aesop

very thought provoking post ani.

ani_26

So. Strength in numbers, huh? It doesn't matter how i'm feeling i'll always stand my ground and defend my corner. You would laugh if you saw me.

Thanks to all those on the bankruptcy board who were there for me, at those deep and dark times. Everyone is different, and everyone's situation is different. No two people are the same, and unless you have walke in soneone's shoes, as they say.

There are a few people its easy to identify, even for a technophobe like me, and i'm sure people could easily identify me. I know for a fact i'm virtually next door neighbours with some of you, and i'm not going to say who. It would have been good to meet, but c'est la vie.


A special thanks to Aesop who kept conversing with me, and miggy too, and kerrigt



Miggy. As to why i read your diary. Your name and title of the diary are simple and to the point. I don't drink coffee :rotfl: Is there any better reason for reading your diary? And ( never start a sentence with and )! maybe you will never know why i dentified with you, ( because of course, there is a reason ). I don't read diaries for the sake of it. Only those i identify with. And ! don't forget, practise makes perfect, ( well, not even after decades, huh )? Shame i no longer have any musical instruments, ( which includes my fiddle which my dad bought me, and which i've had for decades ). Enough of that, this is upsetting.


I've still got my snooker cue, and my badminton and tennis racket, ( note not plural ). Game of tennis, firewalker? I'd love to beat you.


I don't do all the networking stuff and fakebook. Its just not me. It was just a connection with my thoughts, although some of you still probably think i'm mental, i'm not. Surprisingly, i was a full of fun person, and i've always lived life to the full. I only have a couple of photis of myself on my computer, which i looked at recently and was shocked to see the old me. Always laughing and happy. Thats me. Attractive too. That WAS me. Not anymore. That person has gone for good.


Someone laughed at me recently when i asked about their use of the internet. Youv'e got to be kidding, i've got a life, and what they say is true. Although i don't have a life i know that life for me is getting ' out there ' and living. Not spending hours or days on the internet. My. How times HAVE changed. I know for some people they would have no social life if it weren't for the interntet, but for the rest, its unhealthy to spend hours or days indoors on a computer, with the computer for a friend, as it were. Which goes back to my way of thinking, technology isn't all its cracked up tp be, be it in whatever form.


Anyway. If anyone would like to keep in touch, ( and there are people i would like to keep in touch with, although i won't hold my breath ), i will give you my email address.



Love and hugs


Nohope and ani xx

Firewalker

This sounds like a goodbye. If it really is, take care Ani and I really hope and believe things can change for you. It needs only a little change from you - but I also can see how one can get so down that they really can't see any hope.

FW

Hovel_lady

If that is a final goodbye please know that you'll be missed and I hope things get easier for you.
You'll always be in my thoughts and I hope one day you'll feel able to come back and let us know how you are.
xx

beanielou

Please take care of you xx

kerri_gt

Well trust me to choose last night to have an internet free night... sorry...how did I make that about me when I was supposed to be talking to you ani? (one of my many talents so I've been told )

That does sound like a rather final goodbye, I hope not but even if I can't fully understand where you are at (I've not been there so it would be patronising of me to pretend otherwise), I do empathise with you ani - we all do.

I hope you don't disappear from our lives but if that's your choice then it's yours to make and I just want to wish you all the best - hoping the future is kinder to you than the recent past. You have (and I know you won't beleive this) been an inspiration in your attitude and candidness (though I still have no clue what you do? are you working for MI5? )

Should you wish to chat, you know where we all are, and I can only echo Aesop in the offer of coupons too (Aesop, I promise I'm not stalking you on the threads honestly :cool:).

ani, all I can say is :grouphug: xxx

miggy

Are you off Ani? I knew I should worry when you talked about making a list.

PM me your email though I have to warn you I find emails harder than forums so am not so good at staying properly in touch.

I missed your deleted thread - I'm assuming you started a discussion on selling kidneys? Maybe people either didn't take it seriously or were afraid it might encourage the exploitative side of 'donation'?

And have you done your shopping yet? And re music, even if you don't have any other instruments - do you sing? (I don't. Not even when I'm not having fits of coughing). And I can't empathise over tennis as I'm truly hopeless. Something in me can't process how far away a ball is, which you have to admit puts me at a slight disadvantage when it comes to sports, apart from things like horse riding or trampolining.

So much to talk about in your latest posts but I really have to sign off and go to visit mum, will check back later.

ani_26

No i haven't done the food shop yet, and i don't remember the last time i went food shopping. How sad is that? I just haven't had the money.

Maybe i shouldn't leave the forum because of trolls, because then the trolls have ' won ' , but i will never leave unless i want to, not because people are trolling me. I notice one such troll has now removed their signature. They have had more ae's than i've had hot dinners. Are they really naive enough to think people don't realise who they are? I know who was instrumental in my thread being removed, i'm not stupid, and actually, it was a discussion about something which could well be discussed in parliamaent, who knows? Its not something which is currently available as a option, so it wasn't encouraging people to do something which was possible. It was just how it has been on mse. I am unable to post or create another thread without being ' targeted ' by certain people, and its those people, i feel sorry for, for they are the ones who have much to learn. Its a shame when i feel unable to post on other threads.

I met a few people at work yesterday who said you must love your job, what a wonderful job.Yes i do, and it used to be, but people and targets, got in the way. And the fact that no one has time for anyone or anything else, these days. That is one probably one of ther biggest things i've learnt in life. To make time for people. People are so focused on their dreams, their aspirations, their wealth creation, their debt erasion, me me me me, they have forgotten what is really important. If i have to tell you, you don't know anything at all.

I'm too volatile at the moment. A work colleague yesterday who seriously irritates me, they are so selfish, just selfish, selfish, selfish, ( as are most people in life ), come on, look at yourselves, you have to admit it. If there is ever anything going free at work, they are all like vultures, so i just leave them to it. I can't even be bothered, and its so amusing to watch. Those who have, have for a reason, and much wants more. Eventually someone will ask, have you got any? No, theres nothing left. I found two 1p's yesterday. This person appeared for the second time, and said can i have them? You can't be serious? No you can't. But despite the fact i have no money, as ever, ( you know, the no money, as in no money, state ), I was so fuming with them, i went up to them shortly afterwards, and gave them my two 1p's. You may have them. I know they are not short of money, its their culture.


I met two lovely souls yesterday. Genuine what i call salt of the earth people. Maybe there are still some people from the older generation who have the same values as i? You must love your job, what a fantastic job? Well, yes i do and it used to be, but its the same as everything nowadays, its not about people anymore, its all about targets. I'm always getting into 'trouble ' at work, because i will still go my own sweet way, however many times you tell me, because i've still managed to do more work than anyone else, even at the end of it all.

They told me a short story called wishing. One of these the more you wish for, stories, and the person who wishes for nothing except inner peace and happiness. Lots of people say this of course, but don't mean it. For me, its an achievement to live from day to day, and the ' ultimate ' achievement is, of course, inner peace and happiness. Not buying this or that, creating wealth, having to do this or that target you set for youself. Just go with the flow. Be a free spirit. None of it matters when you are in the grave, its all about inner peace and karma. Isn't this what life is about? I'm sure you still will never know what i'm talking about. This person apologised for being too deep. Thats fine, i'm a deep thinker, ( whatever one of these is ), so i understand. I've spent my life apologising for being who i am, and not being the person others want me to be. Daft that, huh? Maybe i should have been a psychologist or a philosopher. Yes, definitely a philosopher. Made me think of going back to where i call home. They say the pace of life is still 20 years behind as it always was. I don't belong in this life. I hate it here. I opted out of the rat race, a long time ago. As ever it all comes pouring out and then i can't talk about it anymore.


I have some work come in, but its all needed almost £3k of up front expenses as its working away. How many people could magic £3k from their account these days? I suspect many people aren't as badly off as they let on. Take the people at work for instance. Someone is going abroad for 2 weeks again, tomorrow. They've only just got back from another foreign holiday a week or two ago. Yet they complain because they have no work and no money. At least they have a partner = second income, and have just paid off their mortgage. They never think about how much they spend on food, or how much anything costs. Wouldn't they be shocked to know? I feel like shouting out, for christs sake, you have no idea. Completely blowing my whole world, or lack of it, into the open. Another work colleague about to go on their third foreign holiday this year, saying isn't worth paying a little extra to buy your oranges from m & s, because they are far better quality. What if you can't even afford to buy an orange? You might as well spend your money as you can't take it with you. I never know what to say, in these conversaitons so i say nothing. I can't contribute to these conversations at work ,as im close to breaking point, or i simply end up having to lie. I wish people would stop asking if i still have a mortgage. How can you answer these questions when you want to burst into tears. I'm no good at lying and i don't do lying. What do i say? They all know i've moved now, and i'm fed up of the same person saying where do you live now? Just go away and leave me alone. If i wasn't so sensitive about it i wouldn't be so sensitive about it, huh? If i say i down sized, they'd still ask if i had a mortage. Nosey B******s



Anyway i've just had to turn round and say i can't do the work unless you give me an advance. It makes you feel the pits, an admission of being a parasite. I asked people if they could pay this money up front and wait months to be reimbursed. Surprise surprise, they could, even though they complain about having no work and no money. Thats no surprise then. Anon