Life after bankruptcy?

ani_26

Here goes. A new beginnig. I did consider calling myself that. 100% debt free at the taxpayers expense. I'm not proud of it. I still hate myself. It has'nt sunk in yet. Its going to take some time, after all, i've had this seriously hanging over me for what? two years? Its become my life, but no way to live. I've got to stop crying now, and move on. After today. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.I'm treating myself tonight. May be a glass of wine or two. Thats all. Because theres still a long way to go. There is a price to pay. I am officially homeless now. Even that does'nt really sink in, after all this talking about it.

So arrived at court early and stood outside for ages.Watching people go in. I've never been to court before, first time in my life. First and last, hopefully. Watched this young woman go in.I thought, i hope shes not the opposing ' side '. She looks like she'll chew me apart. Followed a guy in, all the time thinking, is this them? Go into the waiting room. The guy is over, in a flash. Can, i just have a word? The woman is over in a flash too, with a colleague. We need to speak first. Ushered into a room. Guy trying to get to me, he wants my telephone number. Have'nt you harrassed me enough. You've got what you want. No more phone calls. Have you been drinking coffee, you're shaking. No, i don't drink coffee. I'm just shaking. I was stood outside, shaking, literally.

It was'nt easy. It was far worse than going bankrupt, if i ever dare say that. But thankyou so, so much ***, for all the help you've given me. I'm so grateful. Without these two women, god knows how i'd have got through it. I did'nt have to say anything. I could'nt have anyway. I never expected this help. As we are leaving the courtroom, the guy, is still talking, but i wanted to apply for some ? order? But i was wisked away.

So the she got me the maximum time available. 42 days. I've not quite worked it out yet, but i have a date in my mind. 1st november. I want to be out of here by the 1st november. Away from all this negative energy in the house. So even if it means paying for a house clearance myself, if thats what takes, i want out of here. To me,thats an enormous degree of positivity. A target to aim for. I've got yet another appointment with the council on friday, regarding housing., they wasted no time making phone calls as soon as we were out of court. I've got someone who is homeless, god thats me.

I'm still tearing myself to bits, because i know i've been stuoid and irresponsible, and lost everything i've worked hard for all my life. I'm so ashamed. but all of it has been for nothing, if i have'nt learnt from all this, and i've got to try and move on now. But thats for tomorrow, and at least i'm saying there is a tomorrow, at the moment. Don't ask me what sort of repossesion it was, because i have'nt a clue. But theres a letter in the post.

So its back to chucking out the old life, and try and focus on the new life. 42 days. I don't know yet if i actually have to hand the keys over to the baliffs, i never thought to ask, but i don't want to do that. i don't want to put myself through that too. I'd rather say goodbye to my home, with dignity.

Try and convince myself, the suns stopped shining now, but its been a beautiful day..................................

ani_26

Its now tomorrow. The first day of the rest of my life. I've been to bed, but got up again. I just can't settle. I feel reasonably calm, but i can't stop the thoughts racing round my head. One day has ticked away already,too. 41 days to go. My main concern now, is emptying this house. I should set to it now, since i'm awake. At least i don't have to go to work. I'm getting pressure to go back, and i've not been off for long. But they don't realise the severity of my situation, how can you , unless you've been there yourself. I suppose they might give up on me, the amount of time, i'm intending to be off, and if it gets to xmas and the new year, i've had it. No work, full stop. Still, it also increases my chance of getting housing i guess. I'll set a target for november, as i should have some work then, for a client i worked for earlier this year. By then, i should know my situation with housing anyway. It'l be make or break time. Its going to be cold, by november.

I've already been thinking along the lines of what Amnesty said. It'll be so much easier. Just take everything you need, and just pay someone to clear the house out for you. Definitely easier. Get rid of the past. Move on, with only the things you need. It does'nt matter where you go then. Now is the chance to completely change my life. I've been thinking about that, for some time. Completely get away from this area and its memories. Start afresh. I've been thinking of going back to my roots, but is anything ever the same? One thing at a time. I've got to get a roof over my head first, and i'm limited to staying around here for now, theres so many people trying to help me.

I feel a bit of a fraud on here, now. Everyone is struggling to pay their debts, just like i was, and now i'm debt free. Oh gosh. I'm really debt free? As of yesterday. It had to be done.There will be lots more people, i'm sure, following the route i've taken, though maybe not to the situation i'm in now. Its taken its toll on my health and wellbeing.Oh, theres that. Forget about that for now, but thats what i did last time. Its not until oct anyway. Blast, that could really knock me back with the packing,if i have to into hos again. No, i would'nt get the results until nov anyway. Roll on the 2nd nov. You're thinking about stupid things, now. Keep to the one day at a time plan, for now, until you're in a position to think clearly, about any future.

This has taken forever to write, again, because my concentration levels are so low, and it takes so much out of me emotionally, right now. I was right, when i said i should'nt write this diary. Its stopping me posting or replying when i want to. Will the old me, ever return? Can you ever look back on what you've written? Somehow, i think its an outlet for my feelings, and best left unread.

michmcc79

Good morning! yesterday my internet was playing up and wouldn't let me reply, it was very frustrating!! Who were the people helping you yesterday? were they your solicitors? They sounded like little angels in disguise and took you under their wing. I'm glad you weren't completely on your own. Yes, you really are 100% DEBT FREE!!! And you are right about it being the start of the rest of your life. A life without worrying if the bailiffs will be knocking, or counting every penny just to pay a minimum balance on things. :T Have the council said what they can do for you now that this nightmare of court is over? Fingers crossed they give you somewhere soon so your new life can begin completely.

I'm feeling very positive for you now!! :beer:
xxx

ani_26

Good morning michmcc79.

No they were'nt my solicitors. Now i wish i could afford one. But she was as good as. I think i heard the other lady ask if she had been a solicitor. She obviously specialised in that field.Yes they were angels.

I have an appointment at the council, again, on friday.

Another sunny day, for the future, but i just feel so drained today

For heavens sake, just got a call,can i work on fri and sat. Leave me alone. I'm not b***** working

ani_26

Its not got any better today. I'm wasted now. Maybe its because i did'nt sleep well. I hope i sleep better tonight, then maybe things will seem brighter tomorrow. Not had any letters today. Give them until tomorrow, then start chasing them up. Have'nt got my claim for esa in yet, because of it. Going to end up going back to work, just to earn some money. And they know if they apply enough pressure, i'll cave in. Just don't like to say no.

Loads of stuff to take to the tip, but have'nt scratched the surface yet. I'm not going to do it.Should'nt have gone for a walk. But it was such a nice day again. I've got to have a plan. Get up and pretend its a normal day. Have a shower, i'm struggling even to do that. It makes you feel so much better. Must get started earlier tomorrow. I overslept, when i finaly slept. Have a break and go for a walk everyday now, to get some fresh air and excercise. Get out of this place. Its a shame i have'nt had more time in the past, to enjoy my surroundings, only now, when i going to have it no longer. But you can't look back. Keep telling yourself that, and you might believe it.

I love autumn, my favourite season, my favourite poem - John Keats, season of mists and mellow fruitfulness. There was no one around. Just the cows and the sheep stopped to stare at me. I was fixated by one sheep. It had such a cute face. But they were'nt around last xmas of course, when there was 6 ft of snow on the ground. The last time i walked up there. Xmas day,i think. It was such a beaautiful day then. Blue skies and sunshine and virgin snow. Perfect for some off piste. I was so tempted. The first time i'd had any inclination to do anything, in ages. But instead i was drawn in by the beauty. If i walk up there, no one will ever know. At one with nature. I had that thought today. Its so peaceful up there. The rest of the world does'nt exist.

ani_26

Woken up at 3.30. Tried to go back to sleep, but i can't. Too many thoughts chasing round my head. Got a massive headache. I'm tired and weepy. I've got to try and pull myself together. I hate diaries. You should'nt let anyone see your innermost thoughts. Keep them to yourself. Never write down what you're thinking., feeling. But other people here have felt like that too.Not just me.

Look, you've got another appointment with the housing officer tomorrow. Oh god. I've got to go back into the outside world. What did they say the other day, there might be temporary accomodation, for 28 days.You've only got yourself to blame your in this situation. Try and focus, when did you ever give up on anything

ani_26

Despite having been up from 3.30 i'm still here. I hope i have a good nights sleep ,tonight

Really productive day. Got the motivation, at last to thow masses of stuff out. Its starting to shift, but its going to take forever. Got my appointment tomorrow, Must ask if i can have some help with house clearance. I can't do it all on my own.

Got some pay as well today that was going to be paid next month, that should have been paid 3 weeks ago. Yippee. Does someone sat in a payroll office somewhere, have to wait up to 9 months for their pay? I think not
That should take care of removal expenses. Got my esa form too. must fill it in. I've been off two weeks now.




Saw a double rainbow tonight, ending in my front garden. Suddenly the world looks a brighter place.

ani_26

Now i'm getting used to the forums, i'm not sure if i'm supposed to be in this section, because its for people trying to clear their debts. Although techincaly, i still had a massive debt, just a few days ago, Larger than everyone elses. Just watching Cora, I know its not ' real ' ,but yes sometimes things happen that push seemingly normal people over the edge, where, yes, they do want to die.

Feeling a bit more positive, but theres just so much to sort. Decided i really must fill in the forms i received yesterday, so no throwing out today, with the appt this morning,as well. 3 hours, 3 ***** hours to fill them in, and i'm an intelligent person, used to filling in forms. How do other people cope? i wonder. I did'nt need anybodys help. Crikey. 52 pages. Page 26. Thankyou, you have now finished. Ah great. But if you are entitled to anything else, you won't get it at all, unless you comlete the rest of the form, now. Ah right. So thats another hour then? Thanks for that. Whens my graduation ceremony?? Do i get a first?

Is it worth it, for what, 6 weeks? But why not. I've no income, and i've paid tax and NI. I wish i was'nt s/e, its twice as difficult.
By the time i've done that, i remember i have'nt checked to see if theres any post today. Just one letter. Adressed, only addressee to open. Looks official. Its my eviction order. No its from the health service. You are due to go blah, blah, blah. Okay.,sorted. Next week. Get that out the way, while i'm at it. Just spend the next few weeks waiting for the results, knowing what they might bring. Ugh

ani_26

Another beautiful morning. Did'nt get what i wanted to do, done yesterday. Never mind, sorted other things out. Had a look on the net last night though, and got the numbers for several house clearance companies. Thank goodness there are people who will come and empty the house, ( council can't help with this ). Cheapest quote wins. No time to be fussy or worry about cowboys or contemplate selling stuff. Whats the point anyway? After all, i just want everything out of here.

Feel really tired again, but got to be positive. Fingers, toes, everything crossed for this morning. Its not sinking in though, after all this heartache i've been through, and the initial euphoria. Maybe later

ani_26

So much to say, and no energy to say it. I'm so tired, so, so tired