Life after bankruptcy?

ani_26

Maybe i should add on to this entry. I have'nt hurt myself physically,but emotionally.

miggy

Hello NH,
I really feel for you, waiting is the pits. I wish I could give you a real hug, will a virtual one help? :grouphug: (Sorry 'dodgy' is the best I can do).
I think strengths and weaknesses are often the same thing - you have a strength in your sensitivity, but just now that makes you feel more vulnerable. Yet you are still going. You must have other strengths that you are using too.
You are the one who walked the ridge, you've been up there and no one can take that away from you. Just get through a minute or so at a time today, and draw on your friends here for support. You aren't alone, it's just that you can't see us. Wish I could be there with you in person but you have an army with you in spirit.

ani_26

Thankyou miggy. That ' virtual ' hug DOES actualy mean so much to me.

I've calmed down somewhat now. I've had a long soak in the bath, and now i'm going for a walk. I could feel my heart racing in the bath, but despite trying to slow my breathing down, it did'nt seem to have the desired effect.I'm going for a walk now, as i did yesterday, because walking over to the ridge, still fills me with the awe, it ever did. I'm just waiting for a phone call, you see, before my life turns upside down.

I feel i have been inadvertently dragged into certain interior politics on this site, and got caught in the ' crossfire ' as someone put it. However i'm stongly opposed to any ' interior politics ' , game playing, or whatever you might call it. Maybe i'm a very ordinary human being, rather naive at times, well naive most times, who started their own self help process, by doing something i really genuinely struggle to come to terms with - writing a diary, or two diaries, as i've had many practical issues to ' deal ' with, too.

However, i've almost come to my decision in how far i am going to expose my own very human story, as its been said. Because i suppose you are right. Deep down i draw on that never ending supply of strength, that even i'm not aware of. I've sat here now, trying to remember just how i felt, when back in december, i really did feel there was nothing to live for. The word ' life ' is very poignant to me. When one stranger talked to me, whilst i, well because there was no one else that cared. I'd told people. They did'nt care, or maybe it was just too much to care. Its difficult to drift back into that state, and remember how exactly how i felt. But that was the once and only time i tried.Though there is an option b, its not really in my thoughts right now. Which has got to be for the good.

So now i'm off for my walk. And for any of those souls, who think its ' funny ' to take the michael out of what has maybe been some of my salvation , walking, maybe has been my salvation. Woowoo, miggy etc, this is'nt directed at you.I know maybe the internet is probably the least 'safe haven ' on this planet, but maybe if i can do something to change it for the better. Because i don't know how i would have coped these last weeks, without the company of my alter ego. The person who can really say how they are feeling. Thats my problem too. I will always say what i'm thinking. Do or say first, and then think afterwards. I may regret saying this in my diary now, but i'm not going to change the habits of a lifetime. It certainly won't win me any ' friends ', either. But i'm not here to win friends. I'm just trying to cope with ' life ' .

And now for my walk, and sod the rest of the !!!! that is going to happen today. Just let it happen. Just let go.Just let someone else take care of it.

miggy

Glad the virtual hug helped - I mean it I'd give you a real life one if I could!
The walk sounds a very sane idea. Is the weather as beautiful over your way as it is here? Physical activity is a very good thing when we're stressed. I don't know how it works but it helps counterbalance the adrenaline somehow, and even helps us rest a bit later.
Ignore the trouble makers - they should get a life, especially as their attitude shows they clearly lack life experience! Hold your head up. You're strong, you've had to tackle tough stuff and you're still making headway however rocky it gets. And you will come through.
I have to be off to work soon but will be thinking of you. Take care.

(Oh, and :grouphug:!)

crumbling

finally managed to get to a proper computer today. belated hugs to you nohope. thoughts with you xxx

sugarbabe-47

Oh NoHope...we are right with you ..... belated hugs for you. Some of us can read and REALLY understand your pain, I can for one and don't say very much, I dont want to intrude in your grief (so to speak!) I was alone (totally) at my bad time in 2008 and the ONLY SALVATION for me was the kind, warm helpful people on here. I stumbled onto this site in sheer desperation...I faced it alone and came out the other side, albeit slowly but hey, I did it!! Life throws us some mean tests, but its how we learn from them that makes us STRONGER!! I must have had an inner strength to get through it all, but my virtual friends on here were a lifesaver for me. Thoughts are with you my friend. Be kind to yourself, and dont be too hard on yourself either..We all have experiences very similar to you, you are not alone x

Sugarbabe x

Woowoo

(((BIG HUGS)))

How has today gone? Thinking of you and hope your as well as can be expected today xxx

ani_26

Oh woowoo, you don't know the half of it. I've had half a glass of wine, and i'm feeling ever so slightly pished now. I've got to get through tonight, somehow, i'm being wined and dined, methinks. I've done nothing today, which is bad news. Well, nothing costructive with regards to moving, except sorting out council tax issues. I get a letter from them everyday, saying something different. So there all this to sort out as well. I have'nt even got round to re directing my mail yet. Maybe i should do it now. Oh, and i received a letter from the NHS today. I got the all clear again for now. Still got to go back early next year. Its been a funny old day. I don't know how i felt about it. To me it was just another letter. Open it, read it. no impact. No emotions towards it, at all.,hmph

So i had a nice long soak in the bath ( while i still have one ) ,and went for yet another walk, because it has been beautiful here again today. I'm never quite sure why people wear headphones when they are walking. Does'nt it detract from all the senses. Sight, smell, touch, hearing. Theres alot of crows around today.

I was looking at your thread. I've been skiing around Banff. The rockies and all that. Be prepared to be extremely cold, and tale a balaclava with you. Its always around - 20 degrees there. Exceptionaly cold ' on top ' . Its funny. When i was there, one of the ' locals ' remarked to me, gee what do you think of it here. I actualy was'nt over impressed, and said as much ( me being me ). Oh but we've opened up another valley, hmm. My heart belongs in the french alps. To me, theres no greater place for skiing and climbing, particularly Les Trois Valles, and Chamonix. You can ski until you drop, and still ski some more. Ahh

Just killing time now, with my thoughts, waiting for the inevitable. Maybe i should get changed. Got an early start tomorrow.

Woowoo

Glad the letter contained positive news, I know at the moment you are almost numb towards it, do you think that's because too much other stuff is going on?

My heart belongs to Morzine in France. I've heard before that Canada is extremely cold and it does scare me a little, it's supposed to be enjoyable right?

I'm off out shortly with my sister and my dad, there's a guided owl prowl in the local woods tonight! The ski jacket, hat, gloves and scarf are coming out!

crumbling

great news on the hospital front:j