Life after bankruptcy?

ani_26

I hate diaries. I've only tried to keep a diary once before. I hate writing,full stop. So why am i here? Is'nt it a huge risk, baring your thoughts for anyone to see? Out of my comfort zone, for sure. But its early on a sunday morning, and i have'nt slept well, i've woken up several times during the night, and now i feel tired, as ever, and weepy.So this is where you can end up, like me, now, and if anyone chances to read my diary, maybe it will help you, in any of your situations. Maybe i'll get banned, by pushing the limits of what you can talk about, but its all part of how i'm feeling. Maybe i should also add, this comes with an emotional warning, so if you're of an extremely sensitive nature, like me, then don't read any further.

Because, i'm at rock bottom, but then everytime i think that, something else happens, and i know i've not reached the bottom, yet. But then i know theres only one way out, and i still hold on to that thought. Its the one comfort i have in all of this. Its not dominating my thoughts, like it was. My gp has been fantastic, and asked if my thoughts were controling me or if i was controling them. Its the latter. No, i'm not a nutcase, i'm not , or ever have been, on medication, and even my gp says i'm not depressed, though god knows why not. So maybe people are right when they say i'm strong, a survivor, a fighter. But it does'nt feel like that to me. But i'm still here, going through what has to be done, living day by day, for the most part. that part being, where can i live ?

I wish i'd found this website sooner. I've spent the last year going through this alone, with no one to talk to except my advisor, who has helped me through all of this, filled my forms in for me etc, and without your help, i simply could'nt have done this alone. But even they are prone to lifes uncertainties. They told me they are losing thier job early next year, cutbacks. Thats a frightening thought the service will cutback on the people best qualified, to basic staff. But its a comfort, i suppose, to see others who have been in a similar situation to myself. I say suppose, because you don't like to see anyone in these situations, but thats how it is.

So i sought advice last summer, because by then, the writing was on the wall, and i knew there was only one way out of this, to go bankrupt. And before anyone judges me, yes i know i only have myself to blame, i buried my head in the sand, and i owe people money, but stupidly, i always had every intention of repaying. Whatever it took. The xmas before, i'd had two jobs, and i know other people who were doing the same too. Not just me. But mine had dire consequences, or almost. Working on a night shift for 8 hours, then going straight to work during the day, probably catching 2 or 3 hours sleep a day, i did this 7 days a week for 4 months. Its not surprising i fell asleep at the wheel, one morning. I was ' lucky ' ,i my car was a write off and i only sustained a broken rib, with which i was in agony for months. but i still continued to work. I had no option. Straight out of the hospital, and back to work.

So by summer life was pretty unbearable, endless phone calls, letters, people calling round to the house, time to start the ball rolling, but the advice centre was inundated, and you had to wait months for every appointment you got. Which took me up to november, when i received another of lifes handouts.I went for a routine test, and when the results of the tests came back, they showed cancerous cells. By now, i don't think i was really in a state to absorb this, however, i went for some more tests, two days before xmas, which i was dreading. Because its the season of happiness and families, and i knew i would be alone for the xmas period. Which gave me an ideal opportunity. I'd made my plans, i'd decided i no longer had anything to live for, and i knew i would'nt be speaking to anyone over the xmas period. It would be at least 3 weeks before anyone noticed my abscence. So, i'd no intention of ' seeing in ' the new year, the new year that could'nt possibly get any worse, ( or so i thought ). So, the fact i'm writing this now, is testament to what happened.

Although i'd mentioned how i was feeling to a few friends, i discovered in real terms, i did'nt have any ' real ' friends. No one wants to talk about the unspeakable,i guess they simply can't cope with it. But until you've been in that place where life is so unbearable, even i , can't comprehend how i was feeling at that point, now.

So, 1st January 2010. Bankruptcy imminent, more tests and biopsies looming. Which to deal with first. Bankruptcy. I've got to get my finances sorted out, ironic, but i'm still here, and this has been going on for so long now, its first on the priority list. S** cancer, it could be the answer to all my problems anyway. So i kept canceling all the appointments to go to hospital, to the point where they were going to refer me back to my gp. And all along, they were saying its urgent you go, and i just thought, great, fate is giving me a helping hand, what will be, will be. I don't think anyone could understand my ambivalence, and i do feel guilty, as everyone fights so hard against cancer, how could anyone ever understand how i was feeling towards it.


So i got a date for my bankruptcy which coincided with my date for a biopsy. Right i'll have a day off work, and get both things sorted. But this is one of the dates i cancelled, i just did'nt think i could cope with the two things, one after the other. As it happened, i could have gone. Staight in and out of the courts, all done, quick as a flash. Was that it ? After months of torture? But no, thats not it, yet.

So a couple of months down the line, i did actually go for the biopsy, i don't know why, but then the consultant decided not to ' do ' it then, as he wanted a more extensive biopsy. So i finally went and had the biopsy, and the offending area removed. I'm now due for a check up next month, but i still feel ambivalent towards it.

So its been round and round in circles since the bankrupcty, trying to find out what happens next, and its the waiting game. The waiting game in my home i used to love, which i've grown to hate.The waiting game is nearing its end. I've finally got my appointment at court on tuesday, when i assume i'll get the date for repossession and my eviction. Its a frightening prospect, i'll be eaten alive by the 'opposing ' solicitors. I'm taliking about it, but its not ' real ' , its happening to someone else almost, but i know it is'nt. But the most frightening prospect of all is that minute when i hand over the keys and think, where do i go now? Because i've been unable to secure anywhere to live, But theres always that last option, option b, which gives me some comfort, from deep in my soul.

But it seems ludicrous, when i've gone so through much on my own,to give up now. I most have a stronger spirit than i give myself credit for, but its hard, when you feel nothing. i feel a nothingness. I know i've only myself to blame, and i take full responsibility for that, but you can't always judge people. I hope my story will in some way, maybe give others strength against adversity, and they won't end up like me.

There but for the grace of god



[FONT=arial, sans-serif] Go placidly amid the noise and haste, And remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing future of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]Be yourself. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. [/FONT]

michmcc79

I am a little confused and concerened about your post. Did you actually go bankrupt that day? Did you lose your home? You sound so down and I really hope that feeling will shift soon...you are alive and that is a celebration in itself. :j

Let me tell you, there IS life after bankruptcy and my tale is not so different from yours. 6 years ago, I was made bankrupt after gathering up £21,000 worth of debt! Shortly after that, I too found some pre-cancerous cells. Thankfully, after having the !!!!!!s blasted away and a good result from the biopsy, everything was fine. Although I am way overdue for my check up - i really must go!:D

Bankruptcy was my lowest ever time. The worst moment that will stay with me forever was me going through my penny jar to try and gather up enough pennies for a loaf of value bread and a tin of value beans so me and my daughter could have something for dinner. I remember sobbing in to that jar, thinking the nightmare would never end. I thought everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I covered my feelings well, no-one even knew I was in debt never mind feeling like the world was on my shoulders! However, every day got a little bit easier. Slowly but surely my credit has got better and now I vow I will never let money get me down again. I hope you are feeling better soon, and if you ever need a whinge then feel free to PM me.

You say you feel stronger than ever but its clearly still getting you down. Sending you BIG virtual hugs!! :A

ani_26

Hi michmcc79,

Yes, i did go bankrupt that day, and its now 8 months down the line. Its taken this long to get to the point where i go to court on tuesday, and i've no alternative than to have my home repossesed. I'm just waiting for the date when i'll be evicted. I'll call it no pen day, because thats all i keep being told. DON'T SIGN ANYTHING or agree to anything. So i don't even pick up a pen on tuesday. Otherwise, i'll never be debt free. This will probably offend people,trying to finaly offload my debt, but when it affects your health and emotional well being so much.....

I'm not strong at all, though people seem to think i am. I'm a crumbling mess, but i've got to think to myself. i've come so far. But i'm still a long way from the point of thinking life is a celebration.Its funny, i think i read somewhere that extreme stress causes changes to your body. Maybe thats what gives you the cell changes, i.e. we've both had the cancerous cells.

Gosh, someone else, gathering small change to buy food. The amount of times i've done that, simply to buy a pint of milk.

And yes, of course its still getting me down, i'm about to face the toughest challenge yet, on tuesday, barring the day i walk out of my home for the final time.Thanks for the hug x

michmcc79

well, make sure you keep us posted about Tuesday!! I have subscribed now and certainly don't want to be kept in the dark!! Do you work? How many live in your home? what options do you have when reposession takes hold? The house thing will be the last of these stresses and if other people have got through it and survived then so can you! Another thing....who gives a monkeys about what people think about 'offloading' your debt?! I had many people make snide comments about bankruptcy being the 'easy way out'. There is NOTHING easy about it...stooooopid idiots!

Good luck for Tuesday!!

ani_26

Even worse this morning, i've woken up and burst into tears, and i can't keep them at bay, now. One day to go.

Yes i did work, but i've stopped working for now, and i don't get any sickness pay from an employer, which is where alot of my problems are arising from. This was a really difficult decision for me, given i don't have the support from an employer.

I currently have no options when repossession takes hold. But for those who maybe think i'm not doing enough, i have my ' bids ' in for social housing this week, and theres nothing more i can do but wait and see if i'm given somewhere. I'll try welfare rights today, and CAP, too, along with still trying to throw stuff out. How much more can i do?

ani_26

Don't want to impose on people on here, so i'll write in my diary. I suppose thats part of my trouble, i was always told never ask anyone for anything. So how did i get myself in this mess? Wr did call and are sending me some forms for esa and council tax. Told me they'll go for 14 days, 14 days, omg, but to push for 28 days. I'll never empty this house in 28 days, but i've got to, otherwise they might charge me storage, i was told.

Reduced to nothing today. Everything spinning round my head, and i don't know what to do next. So much to be done. I've got to stop crying. But i feel so alone.

Got to take my eviction notice to the council tomorrow, afterwards. They have a duty to provide temporary accomadation for the homeless, and find out who my local mp is. Right, back to finding my local coundil office for tomorrow, but i've already been down that road, this morning.

ani_26

Neverending circles. Its the same people who are already supposed to be helping me, or do they share the same offices?
Leave that one till tomorrow.

michmcc79

Don't ever think you are imposing yourself on here. In every forum, everybody has a story to share and would like to help those who need it. I'm a big believer in Karma - what goes around comes around, and i'm sure one day you will have some advice for someone else in your boat. If there was one thing I learnt during bankruptcy, it was 'dont be proud!' Its ok to hold your hands up every now and then and say "i've screawed up and I need help".

Have you got any family or friends you could turn to for a shoulder to cry on? Oh God, i'm really feeling for you!! Deal with one thing at a time. It will be ok in the end...I promise.

Personal question - and may be a silly one so you don't have to answer me - but your not feeling suicidal, are you?????

ani_26

Ii'm feeling much calmer now, suprisingly. Maybe i'm all spent out, after the emotional morning. I find it impoosible to talk to another human being, without dissolving into tears. Suppose thats going to happen tomorrow, but i've got to try and keep some degree of levelheadedness, to try and buy myself as much time as i can.

Withdrawing into myself,as ever, unable to reach out. I've lived like a recluse for too long now, other than going out to work. Got to go into town, tomorrow, where everyone will be leading their normal lives, oblivious to my heartbreak, but i'll still feel like theres an arrow on my head, saying, look at them.

I was wrong, its upsetting me, writing this to myself.

michmcc79

did you get my pm, there is nothing in my sent box - but i definitely sent you something!!! :-)

ani_26

Its a beautiful morning, weatherwise that is. After all these past few weeks, of rain and grey days. Watched the sunrise, red sky in the morning, mists in the fields, won't see that for much longer.

Lay in bed for ages, trying to form some contingency plan. Need to find a car park somewhere, where i won't be ' discovered ' , to make my home. Thank goodness i've got my radar key. Could sleep in there, but thats a disgusting thought. Still, its an option. Motorway services, now they've got showers too, thats another option. I feel i've been rejected by soceity. I've supported this country for almost 40 years, with tax and ni, and what are they saying to me now? We don't care about you. But i've got whats coming to me.You've only yourself to blame. Stop feeling sorry for yourself Go and have a shower, get yourself ready to accept your fate.