I'm a bad mum and i'm so ashamed

Triker

Hi, just wanted to add my bit and let you know that you are not alone.

My memories of my children being little are that I ran everywhere, had a big frowny expression on my face all the time and shouted in response to everything.

I have to say that I wish I could have been different but I reckon if I repeated the same circumstances I would probably be the same.

I was on my own for many years, struggling to go to University.........(ah just had to tell my dd off because she's interupting me, again) and trying to not feel inferior about my parenting.

I internally beat myself up for many years because I didn't feel I was doing the right job as a mum, the list below gives you a flavour of what I either am not, or failed to do/be

a. Softly spoken

b. Riveted by Tots TV and Ballamory

c. An organised Mum who could whip up a fantastic game or fancy dress outfit in no time at all.

d. I always had to buy something for either Harvest festival, summer fayre or whathaveyou at the shops on the day that said event happened.

e. Arriving late for concerts, choir, parents evening.

f. Failing to sign letters and get them back to school in time.

g. Not always being utterly delighted about everything my children did or said.

h. for being poor.

i. for not wanting to spend every waking hour with them, I like my own space.

j. For not knowing or caring to know every one of the Teletubbie's names.

k. For being consistantly awful when it came to baking cakes.

l. Not ironing their clothes very often, didn't see the point.

m. For not being very cuddly.

n. For not being a fun mum.

I could go on and on but what I do know is that I love, like and need my children, I show it in my own way. We talk and communicate really well. I love them to pieces.

You will find that there are certain stages of your child's development that you will cope with more than others. Don't forget you have a toddler and they are notoriously difficult to keep up with and manage.

Keep your chin up it's the hardest job going this parent lark, at least you're reaching out to try to find a way forward for yourself and your son.

One of my best memories which still makes me chuckle is a woman that I used to know and whom I felt doubly inferior around her, she had a husbund, was wealthy,never swore, didn't work, always chipper and bright, ran her children everywhere, wore nice clothes and appeared to have a great social life and lots of friends.

I was walking past her and she was sat in her Range Rover one evening absolutely screaming at her son (he was about 12) that if he did'nt effing do as she effing asked she would effing strangle him. She saw me and blushed bright red and got out of her car saying. 'oh god, sorry about that', I smiled broadly and said 'oh don't mind me, you carry on', I realised that we all have our breaking points even those who can usually hide it better than others.

Good luck, you've already showed that you are a good mum by reaching out for advice, thanks for your post :wave:

rainbowrisin

Is it possible to try and spend some time with your son where there isn't any pressure to get jobs done or behave properly - just the two of you messing around? I wonder if you are so busy looking at his behaviour that maybe you're missing what an adorable little person he is? The time I like best with the littlies is when there's no meals, baths, hair brushing or other things which require the "mother" bit and I can just be me and they can just be them and we can have fun? We play silly games and laugh and I notice just what lovely little people they are.
Then when I feel like throwing them out of the window I think back to them being lovely and it really calms me down.
The other thing which may help is if you stop saying "no" (unless it's some absolutely ghastly health and safety issue). Use all the other parenting techniques (ignoring bad behaviour, diversion etc etc) but avoid "no", as it immediately then becomes a power struggle.
I wonder if you might also find it helpful to go for some counselling / cognitive behavioural therapy or similar to not only help with your son, but also to try and make you feel a little better about everything?
Hope you get it sorted, and no, you're not a bad mum.

Mrs_pbradley936

For a start you are not a bad mum – if you were you would not be posting on here. Not every woman likes motherhood. It is as simple as that. If you have feelings of guilt because of how you think you ought to feel you are one of those women who have been conned into believing that wiping bottoms and cleaning up sick is a magical experience.
(None of us think that but we just get on with it if it needs doing). If you would rather be working and have adult company that’s fine. He will be better off if he spends his day to day time with kids his own age and sees you for a few hours in the evening.

sweetmoneysaver

Honestly most parents will go through this and feel that they are a bad parent. Your child is at an age where they are testing barriers and don't have all the words to convey their feelings. The thing that I found that worked best with my son was to ignore him if he was bad and totally praise good behaviour. He soon learnt that he would only get attention if he was good. It sounds harsh but it was the most effective thing. We went through trantrums and kicking and throwing himself on the floor. I even had other mums looking at me at the nursery that he went to, you should have seen the looks I got. I was so ashamed that something I loved so much could do this. However, a lot of toddlers react in this way. Like most of the programmes say, naughty steps, seats etc do work as it is something the child can relate to as a consequence for their actions. The main thing is to be consistent otherwise a toddler will push things even more.
We have just started another reward chart system with my son as he wasn't doing some of the things he should be (he's 4 and a half years old) but is something you can try when you child is a little older.
Please, please don't beat yourself up about it. Lots of people have suggested good websites and books, so take some time to look into these and take each day as a new day. Things will get better.
Good luck!

Onebadmum

Thank you so much everyone, i feel so much better to realise i'm not the only one.
I desperately love my son to pieces and would die if anything happened to him, I just feel detatched from him.
I had a really bad time (not healthwise) when i was pregnant then had an emergency c-section which i still feel so guilty about now, i know it wasnt my fault but the fact i never gave birth to him properly had really affected me.
I had bad postnatal depression and rejected him when he was about 8 months old and tried to kill myself. Something else i feel really guilty about.
I constantly snap at him for the most trivial things.
I am starting a parenting course 'coping with kids' on thursday but am scared it wont help.
He goes to nursery 4 part days a week because i work.
Thnx again everyone, i feel that there is some hope for me xx

sweetmoneysaver

Good luck with the course! Remember you're not the only one to feel like this. Keep us posted on how it goes.

rainbowrisin

Onebadmum wrote:

Thank you so much everyone, i feel so much better to realise i'm not the only one.
I desperately love my son to pieces and would die if anything happened to him, I just feel detatched from him.
I had a really bad time (not healthwise) when i was pregnant then had an emergency c-section which i still feel so guilty about now, i know it wasnt my fault but the fact i never gave birth to him properly had really affected me.
I had bad postnatal depression and rejected him when he was about 8 months old and tried to kill myself. Something else i feel really guilty about.
I constantly snap at him for the most trivial things.
I am starting a parenting course 'coping with kids' on thursday but am scared it wont help.
He goes to nursery 4 part days a week because i work.
Thnx again everyone, i feel that there is some hope for me xx

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
Please make sure you get some help for yourself, as well as doing the parenting course. I'm sure the parenting course will help, but it will be much easier to benefit from it if you feel better in yourself about what's happened in the past.
Best of luck to you and your son.

Onebadmum

i will have a look at the website and go to the library.
I do have fun messing about times with him alot.
I'm so proud of him coz he is the cutest thing ever and he's got a stunning personality, and everyone loves him, but still feel like there is a barrier there.

rainbowrisin

Onebadmum wrote:

i will have a look at the website and go to the library.
I do have fun messing about times with him alot.
I'm so proud of him coz he is the cutest thing ever and he's got a stunning personality, and everyone loves him, but still feel like there is a barrier there.

That sounds to me like "onegoodmum":D
PND and post-traumatic stress syndrome after a high intervention birth often takes years to get over - it was only a couple of years back you had such a bad time - you've done really well to get as far as you have.

pandas66

So much credit to you 'OnehonestMum'. The bravest person holds their hand up and asks for help and you have.
Probably when mine were small I wanted to walk away once a month due to me, once every 6 months due to exhaution, a single parents life is hard, wearingly hard and sometimes lonely. I had some cracking friends, my parents and occasionaly their Dad. But when I was 'fractious'/tired/whatever! they wern't there then!
As they have gotten older I still want to run away now and again! I didn't take this on at the start for as long as its gone on!
The rewards are good........but the work has to put in to get them! If now and again he smiles at you and you smile back it'll be alright. Take pictures of good times, have 1 of those disposable ones lieing about and let him use it too. They are inexpensive and time does rush by!
Nursery time is good if you need it you do it, but use the time for you not just catch up or shopping without small hands. Have your haircut, go to the library, a course or go swimming just something thats a pain with a 2 year old for YOU.
Remember there is a you, its the easiest person to forget when children come along.