Buffy's Adventures at the Post Office......

sallyx

Hope today is okay for you Buffy...your Mum will have a lovely time and you can have some "you" time doing as you please even if you do miss her!

Buffythedebtslayer

I haven't been posting since Mum left, done three nights at work this week and had a five day headache! I am due on tho so am not surprised.

Its been a mixed week at work. My extreme tiredness and pain has meant I haven't been very patient. Mind you my lessons got a mention in the review thing the head does so I can't have been that bad.

At home it has been nice to be on my own. Had some sad news though, my sister's friend died, just as Mum arrived. I feel so awful for my sister but for Mum too.

I am so sleepy I really wanted to do 10,000 steps today but I am only uo to 7. I could go for a walk but am so sleepy!

xx

boredofbeingathome

I think it is a week to be tired Buffy, i haven't been like this for a long time. Well done on the lessons being mentioned though, you are obviously good and yah boo sucks to them.

Buffythedebtslayer

Can I just say I HATE A and L.

moved all my payments over to a different account,had letters from the charities I pay to say my payment has moved /changed but surprise surprise the payments are still going out from A and L. fine ok they don't go out till the fourth. Surely I can cancel them, I mean I can understand I can't change them but I can cancel them right?

NO.

I can't.

thank God for Halifax cos I can change theirs, as they have a proper system that allows you to change them up to one working day before they are due. otherwise I would have paid my rent twice.

And I cannot cancel them till the 5th of Oct.

I cannot wait to close that bloody account. spent all night piddling about trying to cancel things and move money and to add insult to injury bloody egg are down too.

Grrrrr.

Buffythedebtslayer

My earlier nap on the sofa has rather messed up my sleep pattern tonight.

I feeling odd, its lovely to not have a headache any more. I think that is also why I am still awake! Enjoying a pain free existence.

I am also having so many thoughts about EVERYTHING.

One of my friends has really !!!!ed me off. there is a gathering on Sunday which I thought was later in the month, I sent atext yesterday (she has a baby which means you can't phone anymore) inviting her and apologising for the last minute. she hasnt said anything except to demand the girl's phone number from me (more then likely to slate me) - sent two rude texts and then a thank you. Its made me really angry.

Why the !!!!ing hell do I have to be so perfect? She is so unforgiving, in the past because she always is so demanding other people have specifically avoided inviting her out. a couple of other friends and me still make the effort and she is completely oblivious (mainly cause we have allowed her to be) sometimes I just think enough is enough.

probably not making alot of sense now. suddenly tired. other thoughts can wait till tomorrow.

xxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

My other thoughts

All the Memory girl stuff has seriously churned up and made me face things I don't really want to face and sort of "re-realise" some stuff.

1. I am seriously afraid of failure to the point where I won't even try. Writing that letter for my friend last week really surprised me. It was actually good. doing it for someone else is fine. for me I honestly think what is the point?

Another example is this bloody fence thing. I wanted to get up early this morning and go to the fence place to ask them about putting up a fence (funny that). However I didn't, as essentially everyone has said no whats the point they won't do it for so long that it is ingrained in me that it won't work(area is too small, akward to get too). Mum said I should ask my sis for help with it, but I haven't because she is so negative about it all turns out so am I. sighs.

2. I stay in my job because leaving would feel like a failure, I feel I have put a lot in to that place and my tutor group, I really don't want to leave, hard and sometimes terrible it is. When I am in my classroom I am having a good time. I must remember that.

My best mate siad I never used to stay somewhere I didnt want to be. I really did do exactly what I wanted to do. I don't think that has actually changed I do want to be there and live here. I need for what ever reason to do this to learn what ever it is I need to learn. to see it through.

RE Mr Big: My tipping point was reading a memo from work and just crying, not even dramatically, just at the ridiculousness of this man. And realising that I could fight back, depsite high awful and frightening it all was. And I did. probably need another tipping point.

3. I am not being a good friend to my RL friends. forgetting to invite one of your oldest friends to another friend's baby shower is thoughtless. I am always working and thinking about work. One friend has phoned 3 times this week (am seeing her tonight) and I was at work..........trouble is there isn't anything else in my life really. Susan Jeffers does this thing - how whole is your whole life ? you have boxes to fill with stuff you do that you love - At the moment mine would be work. Mum. Pets. I don't regularly phone anyone now or e mail. My life isn't very whole!

4. An extension of that is I am very closed off to men. I have no male friends at all, I refuse point blank to keep in touch exes (of which there really aren't that many) In all honesty I haven't had an official relationship for about 8 years? I just don't look for them. its always been me and it always will be me. for most of my friends its them and so and so.... its hard for me to think of myself with someone else.

However I went to a training/meeting thing this week with a woman who devoted her life to teaching, never married always working never had kids, and lovely tho she is I know in my heart of hearts I have never wanted that.

5. I feel like I am going round in circles, making progress then stopping and nothing really changes. I don't know any more. I literally feel like I am just as likely get on a train and disappear from this life as I am to move on and make a go of things. I am so near to being debt free, I am so nearly organised, or at least could be, I could have a great life with bit more effort and confidence, I could lose weight and be fit (I went for a walk last night and really enjoyed it I thought why did I stop this?). I find change even positive change so hard. there is a big part of me that would be happy staying in with the tv every night,I know its not cool and hip to admit that and I am sure hardly anyone else on here feels like that cos you all do so much but it is how I feel. I am so sick of having so much to do and never finishing anything.


I now feel even more churned up! I am going to !!!!!! off for a bit and go to the fence place.

Buffythedebtslayer

Didn't go any where, one of my friends has been really upset by work. Been around for her, just spoke to her on the phone. She is in no way a weak person and I can't believe its happening but hey been there before there with my job! Also didn't sleep well last night and so had a nap on the sofa this afternoon.

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

My other thoughts

All the Memory girl stuff has seriously churned up and made me face things I don't really want to face and sort of "re-realise" some stuff.

1. I am seriously afraid of failure to the point where I won't even try. Writing that letter for my friend last week really surprised me. It was actually good. doing it for someone else is fine. for me I honestly think what is the point?

A. more and more my friends and certainly my boss at my other job are complimenting my work and my attitude. There is an old core part of me that has been buried but I know whether I like it or it is coming out. The point is I don't want a life half lived full of regrets. I already have regrets. I don't want any more on the list.

Another example is this bloody fence thing. I wanted to get up early this morning and go to the fence place to ask them about putting up a fence (funny that). However I didn't, as essentially everyone has said no whats the point they won't do it for so long that it is ingrained in me that it won't work(area is too small, akward to get too). Mum said I should ask my sis for help with it, but I haven't because she is so negative about it all turns out so am I. sighs.

Logic says if I do nothing about the fence we will lose the land to our neighbour who will claim it as his. I NEED to do this. So I will go to the fence place on Monday. After work.

2. I stay in my job because leaving would feel like a failure, I feel I have put a lot in to that place and my tutor group, I really don't want to leave, hard and sometimes terrible it is. When I am in my classroom I am having a good time. I must remember that.

My best mate said I never used to stay somewhere I didnt want to be. I really did do exactly what I wanted to do. I don't think that has actually changed I do want to be there and live here. I need for what ever reason to do this to learn what ever it is I need to learn. to see it through.

RE Mr Big: My tipping point was reading a memo from work and just crying, not even dramatically, just at the ridiculousness of this man. And realising that I could fight back, depsite high awful and frightening it all was. And I did. probably need another tipping point.

All of the above is true, I am stubborn as you can get. I have to make this work. I made it work before. To be honest I like the kids and I like the money.

3. I am not being a good friend to my RL friends. forgetting to invite one of your oldest friends to another friend's baby shower is thoughtless. I am always working and thinking about work. One friend has phoned 3 times this week (am seeing her tonight) and I was at work..........trouble is there isn't anything else in my life really. Susan Jeffers does this thing - how whole is your whole life ? you have boxes to fill with stuff you do that you love - At the moment mine would be work. Mum. Pets. I don't regularly phone anyone now or e mail. My life isn't very whole!

This is true, I need to make some changes here. A sign of how true it is is how mad I am with myself about. The odd phone call and text would go a long way.

4. An extension of that is I am very closed off to men. I have no male friends at all, I refuse point blank to keep in touch exes (of which there really aren't that many) In all honesty I haven't had an official relationship for about 8 years? I just don't look for them. its always been me and it always will be me. for most of my friends its them and so and so.... its hard for me to think of myself with someone else.

However I went to a training/meeting thing this week with a woman who devoted her life to teaching, never married always working never had kids, and lovely tho she is I know in my heart of hearts I have never wanted that.

I have made a plan to go out next weekend and will work on having an open mind,not instantly thinking all men are !!!!!!!s. God Knows I have the self help books and tapes:o!!!

Also I need to lose weight - I feel dreadfully unattractive. I walked 10,000 steps yesterday and will do so each day.

5. I feel like I am going round in circles, making progress then stopping and nothing really changes. I don't know any more. I literally feel like I am just as likely get on a train and disappear from this life as I am to move on and make a go of things. I am so near to being debt free, I am so nearly organised, or at least could be, I could have a great life with bit more effort and confidence, I could lose weight and be fit (I went for a walk last night and really enjoyed it I thought why did I stop this?). I find change even positive change so hard. there is a big part of me that would be happy staying in with the tv every night,I know its not cool and hip to admit that and I am sure hardly anyone else on here feels like that cos you all do so much but it is how I feel. I am so sick of having so much to do and never finishing anything.


I now feel even more churned up! I am going to !!!!!! off for a bit and go to the fence place.

Overall I think I am on the brink of actually doing stuff that could change my life, being debt free, having a possible idea for a sort of business, I say I am not creative but my teaching and my hobbies tell me that isn't true. So I am thinking about a variety of things I could make and sell on e bay. It would be enjoyable for me and I would like the challenge. I am also studying for my MA which is hugely... well huge!! and I could make work "work" for me.

All these changes frighten me and like I said before there is a part of me, as in everyone that wants to run away and not face them.

I have felt these things in waves for a while now. MG's challenges just kinda clarified them. Especially what I wrote about my pefect week. I need to face them and give myself the life I want.

well see you all later
Love Buffy

urg123

HI Buffy

Some of what you wrote really resonated with me in so many ways. You know how I had such a tough time at work a while back and now they do nothing but rave about me and ask me to get involved with 'special' projects.

The thing that you said about your relationshiop with men really spoke to me too. I had so little confidence due one guy that, had I not been friends with OH before we got together on a drunken night out, I'm pretty sure that I would still be single and very lonely. It's really hard and I really am the last one to talk, but please don't give up on a good relationship. It will be really hard to trust people (men) again but please don;t give up. YOu really deserve to love and to be loved.

It really sounds that you are on the crest of a change - being debt free is one very big goal that you are working towards and once that has been dealt with you can really start working towards those other ones whole-heartedly. In the meantime, start laying the foundations for that future. A bit here and a bit there will mean that once you are debt-free you can go running forward with all of your other goals.

Hugs to you - these challenges are making you think and question yourself - that's no bad thing - but look after yourself too.

urg x x x

sammy115

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I feel like I am going round in circles, making progress then stopping and nothing really changes. I don't know any more. I literally feel like I am just as likely get on a train and disappear from this life as I am to move on and make a go of things. I am so near to being debt free, I am so nearly organised, or at least could be, I could have a great life with bit more effort and confidence, I could lose weight and be fit (I went for a walk last night and really enjoyed it I thought why did I stop this?). I find change even positive change so hard. there is a big part of me that would be happy staying in with the tv every night,I know its not cool and hip to admit that and I am sure hardly anyone else on here feels like that cos you all do so much but it is how I feel. I am so sick of having so much to do and never finishing anything.

Yes we do! We all feel like that. I felt like that for so long but then all of a sudden I found myself in such a place that I knew I couldn't carry on sabotaging myself...which is all it was. Stop listening to the little voice in your head that tells you you can't do things. Stop worrying about everything and concentrate on just a couple of areas at a time.

If you have written your goals down you know what they are. So ask yourself all the time, is what I am doing now moving me nearer to my goal. If not then don't do it.

You are making progress. You are beautiful inside and out.....

sammy115

and this going round in circles and stuff - its called perturbation.