High income but deep deep in debt-any advice?

ampersand

Wish I could post multiple thanks for Loanranger's sensible post above.
OP - it's already been said, but you must cancel all joint cards and take replacements in your name only.
We all understand your mental circling around obvious solutions which still seem that leap too far. You know you're being drawn inexorably to it. You are a talented man to command the salary you achieve - just think about that. But next think about the cost of that. You are using up so much energy and survival instinct trying to avoid the inevitable course for everyone's sane, secure future and self-respect, not to mention health and sleep patterns approaching calm routine[precious to a child]and normalcy.
A high point in your daughter's day should be Daddy's return, Mummy's pleasure in his company, storytime, silly songs and games and cuddles, easy bedtime undisturbed by shouting and quarrrels. Your relationship has ruled out the partnership element. But put yourself in charge to ensure the other. Your daughter also needs to develop an attention span, an ability to listen and focus, not fractured, dominated, programmed or timetabled by a screen, alien noise and bombardment of 'things'.

It's your time together and special moments that she will remember.

Some posters have cavilled at your wealth by comparison[ shall just here say my income is State Pension of £130-ish weekly on which I still spend a lot of time in Europe each year, taking car. Have known your level of income and lived v. differently, but it's the mindset that's important here...another subject] but your misery and desperation are real.

All time spent with your daughter can be fun - so, taking control of the household spending as loanranger and others have said, sit her in the supermarket trolley and let her choose the fruit, veg., etc. On the weekend, walk out somewhere and kick leaves, find conkers, blackberries/whatever, get muddy. Always have the current story book, a drink, a cuddly rug with you. When did you last hoist her up on your shoulders and stride about somewhere, even indoors? No child forgets this.

Can you go to a market/carboot/jumble sale? In the end, op, the whole business of surviving first, thriving next, in Life, is a great and glorious privileged game. I reiterate - I am not a stranger to your level of living.
How long since either of you[if ever]have ridden on a bus? - upstairs on a double decker if possible.

OP - I am not harking back to an impossible world, it's so simple and simplicity is what you, too, have need of.

Tomorrow I attend the funeral of italian tony, beloved partner/rock of mumoftwins[both posters on these forums.] A reading of any of mot's posts on this forum, her horrors of survival, homelessness, bankruptcy[through no fault of her own] would be a timely rude awakening for your wife and also a sharp lesson in what the human spirit can overcome. mot faces yet another test from now on, alone with her fine twins. Bad things do happen to good people, op.

Please take heart, take strength, take control and take back your Life. You may think you don't need to, but take this hug, too[from someone old enough certainly to be your parent] - we are friends here. pm me if you want.

If mot and it were to be reading this, they would both be offering you every bit of support you could wish for, as do we all.

tobiascurious

...hope that the OP comes back to let us know how things are going

alice011178

Any news OP? I hope that things are working out for you. Do come back and let us know.

ILW

Probably out shopping with the wife.

Errata

It may be that someone who has just stepped into a job earning c£120k gross pa after being unemployed for 2 years has found a more effective way of seeking solutions to his problems than an internet forum.

debthelp100830

many thanks all for your support- so much appreciated. i took a personal loan from a friend and paid off the payday loans. will pay him back at end of october. daughter is already off nursery- so thats a big step. my side of expenses are reduced-have taken all credit cards off my OH, not w/o a moan and fight. but i just ignored and told OH that she is free to leave and even take the daughter along if she wanted. am doing 14 hrs/day at work for last cpl of weeks so havent seen much of her (and unfortunately not much of my daughter too i must say). either calling the bluff has paid off or its just calm before the storm as she must be planning things. but my mind is too tired to care.

but then have expenses gone, not really. she bought herself a new bberry last mth which i wasnt told about and which i dont understand. when i lost my job, i just bought a £10 phone on which i added £10 top-up to get £20 worth of calls. she stays at home, so has access to internet so dont know why she needs blackberry but whats the point in talking to a wall- she just got it. £25*24mths. and i find out when we get £105 bill (she spends £80 on top of whatever came within mthly allowance)- she got that on her own bank account which i refused to fund meant the bank put a £35 unauthorised charge on it, and now i have £140 bill to pay this month plus liability of £25 for next 23mths.

anyway, a number of ppl on this forum have helped me enermously, just cant say enough thanks to all of you.

i know some ppl have taken a jibe at me for earning high or think am just making things up etc- that was a risk i took when i posted. as someone rightly pointed, am someone who has shot himself in foot. many ppl are unlucky to get in a situation. i on other hand created a hole for myself so can see where they are coming from.

the emotional support and some very practical advice i have got though from complete strangers just helped me a lot. i think i will survive on here on. have decided to not fall to any threat. havent solved any problem really but paid my bills for the month, have no pay day loans, should be able to pay all bills and minimum payments till next mth. will pay off credit cards in 6 mths. some debt may remain but still manageble from there on. OH is an issue, am sure there r going to be a few negative, painful surprises from her but best is to ignore. put the foot down where i can w/o creating a abuse atmosphere in house. else just give in- as long as i dont give her access to credit cards which i wont- there is only so much credit she can get from her friends, etc. if she wants to leave, she is welcome. am not getting into any legal battle but nor catering to her every ridiculous demand.

diable

At last, you listened to the advice from page one ;o)))

Well best of luck but I'd nip the BB bills in the bud and don't fund her bank account as that way it will be her debt and not yours then you can just say to her "its your debt, so its your problem"

ampersand

she got that on:T her :Town bank account which i refused to fund:T meant the bank put a £35 unauthorised charge on it, and now:eek: i:eek: have £140 bill to pay this month plus liability of £25 for next 23mths.
##########

Hello op,
It's a relief to have some news from you, but forgive me highlighting the above.

YOU do not have to fund this, or the charge she has incurred on HER bank a/c. The Bank should know this by now - if you followed through as we understood you had.

When I read this: 'havent solved any problem really', you recognise you are in escape mode only, crisis by crisis. I do hope your job is not at risk. When you can, stay in touch - anything you post can help others too.

I wish you every success but plead for you to take care of yourself. This still feels very necessary to me, if only to equip yourself for tackling your toxic rel'ship.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

:T Really pleased to hear from you and well done for taking a stance:T:T. Your wife WILL be relying on you to pay her bank charges and I suspect that she will now use every opportunity to fund her spending via HER bank account.

I would make is plain to her that you have paid her charges on this occasion. But this was a one off. As others have said, it her account so its her debt. Give her a reasonable amount for housekeeping but make is plain that she needs to budget within the amount given, she now needs to learn to live within HER means.

Keep plugging away at your debts, its unfortunate that you have a lead weight tied to your legs while you sort yourself out, but don't let that side-track you from your goal of being debt free.

Good luck for the future, all the best

PS. I'd point out to her that her credit rating will be affected by the bank charges and non payments on her account, therefore affecting any future applications she might make in her own right for loan/credit cards when/if she leaves you!! That should be a spoke in her wheels:D

AMD

ViolaLass

I agree with the others - don't pay off your wife's overdraft! She's been so adamant that the debts run up so far have been your responsibility, so why should you take responsibility for a debt that she cannot deny running up all on her own. I think letting the bank charges continue, along with the resultant damage to her credit record (inhibiting her ability to pull this stunt again) would be a good lesson and perhaps an incentive to actually get a job.