Dirty's hoping it's not too late to mend her ways......

dirtyepic

Hi again diary,

Blimey I have just read that post back and I sound all crazymadmental!!

I think really I should've put the time of each paragraph and then it wouldn't look like the diary of a mad woman! The earlier ranting was typed, (in word, as I am not allowed to use the internet during normal working hours and I will be on a disciplinery if caught using excessively again - oops!) over the whole morning till I had my dinner then I copied the whole document over. Unfortunately my irrational thoughts and behaviour look rather unsettling!!

I feel tons better now, the universe has been kind to me today. My hard ebay work is paying off and my small items are selling - again slowly but surely. This is keeping my make £5 a day challenge going.

Still have to try and get another 3 items listed this evening and also at least 1 hours ironing then I will be a happy girl.

Ooh that reminds me I must get up to date with Memorygirls diary, I am two days behind and if I don't catch up pretty sharpish I will be left behind!

Keep smiling!!

t

dirtyepic

Hi Diary

Well after yesterday's complete whinge and stomp and internal tantrum I have given myself a bit of a shake and have opened my eyes on a more positive and brighter day.

It might've been a bad day for me but on reflection I could've dealt with it two ways:

1. Seen everything in a much worse light and go out and spend money on 'treats' to cheer myself up. Things that could either wait until I get paid or receive my expenses or just rubbish that I don't need. This used to be my usual 'coping mechanism' which clearly was unable to help me cope due to making everything worse in the long run

2. Stay put and sulk. Which I did do. Therefore I was able to cross a few more things off my to do list (close Santander c/c and organise repayment of money that I have overpaid, check the bank, NSD, chase expenses claim and also start to read Memory Girl's book)

Luckily my expenses claim was paid into my account this morning so I could continue with my PAD which is currently paid up until Friday! Ooh now that's a good feeling. My ebay account is, once again, out of the overdraft and looks healthy again. I have been using this for my expenses account instead of the credit card which is permanently left at home.

I will be sorting out my financial paperwork over the next couple of weeks to get rid of all of the old credit card statements that I have been holding from each balance transfer. I am embarrassed to say there's loads of different cards but now its a good feeling to have this debt under control until at least 13 months time. Not only under control but maybe nibbling away a little extra each month.
You never know, I may feel confident enough to update my signature and comment on my debt and each month cross it out and replace with a smaller total. mmmmmm?????

Wk 6 TO DO list
- daily scratchcard M/T/W
- check bank every day M/T/W
- diary every day T/W
- PAD every day M £1 bc/T £1 bc/W £160 ebay account/T £1 bc/F £1 bc
- list 3 x ebay items per day S/M/T
- make £5 a day S/M/T
- NSD T/
- check b/c
- check nationwide
[STRIKE]
- check halifax and call to close account
- check santander and call to close account
[/STRIKE]

- research Jwil's advice on bingoport and surveys to earn amazon vouchers
- organise stuff/projects for inaugaral sewing circle meeting
- put tiles and adhesive on ebay/loot
- watch a bit photography DVD T/
- start weekly photography project
- finish stripping the passage and staircase
- finish reading 'The Secret'
- then start to read it again
- ready Memory Girl's book T/
- have a daily 10 min 'me time'
[STRIKE]- chase expenses claim[/STRIKE]
- do 1 hr ironing a day
[STRIKE] - print ebay stuff out and prepare for post
- post 8x ebay items[/STRIKE]

I am meeting a very close, old pal tonight straight after work so I will not be succeeding in the NSD for today. She has had her first baby 10 months ago and will be returning to work next month so I think that may be the main topic of conversation. I can imagine it being so hard for her after using all this time to bond with her little girl, but I suppose if they wish to maintain their standard of living and being able to support her and give her what she needs this is what has to happen.

And now for something completely different. Another project which is very time consuming, not just in the practical sense but also the thinking about it!!!

Our house!

Current ongoing renovation projects:

Bathroom
Well at the moment all the bathroom needs, to complete is: a stainless steel bathroom cabinet - to be ordered; the mosaic tiling for the splashbacks and the top of the bath surround - to price and me to do!; a windowsill; remove all of the old silicon seal from the shower and replace.

Hall/Staircase/Landing
Wallpaper Stripped: 75% complete - wallpaper that was, at least, 20 years old. With at least 20 years worth of emulsion on top of it!
Plastering: due 11.10.10
Flooring: floorboards need repairing
dado rail needs straightening (where the wretched builder removed them and replaced them without the use of a spirit level);
Floor sanding and varnishing: to get prices
Old pipes to be boxed in on half landing
Carpet: to measure and start getting prices
Decorator: to pop around and price; decide on colours
Lighting: to decide

Vestibule:
To strip
Gas pipes to be boxed in
Door to be replaced
Cracked glass to be replaced
Colour to be decided

Not much to be done there then!

Ha ha I am not really being that negative! Its just a long time in the process of this renovation of our lovely big old victorian house and to tell you the truth we are 80% done - it's only taken us 4.5 years! There have been many ups and downs (see old thread about my cowboy builder sueing me (not us as a couple!) for our non-payment due to shoddy finishing. We are still finding things that need finished off and repaired but soon, very soon, it shall be done!

The bathroom should be completely finished in a month by which time the hall and staircase will be well underway. Although I am expecting numerous setbacks but that's me being positive isn't it?!!

Okay, I have overrun on my dinner break and must get cracking back on with my work.

Ooh yes, must check martins mail for this weeks moneysaving news.

See you later.

T
x

dirtyepic

Good afternoon, diary!

After a bit of a sluggish start to my morning and a few bouts of tummy upset I feel okay just now and ready to take on the day. Even if half of it is already past!

My £5 a day is doing really well, so all of that ebay hard work is currently really paying off - here's to keeping it up.

My PAD is okay till the end of the week and it's payday next week so I am sure I can keep that up too for the foreseeable future.

Checking the bank everyday is a massive help and I have no excuse to not keep this up as I use my iphone for all banking stuff now.

Every time my paypal reaches £50 I transfer immediately to my ebay bank account and that buids up to use for my expenses account.

Not too happy about my self control and NSD's though, I saw a magazine again that I have had my eye on for a while, it's not a cheap mag either, but it was about a topic close to my heart - Typography!! Yep for all of those who may be reading this boring old diary - I love lettering! I love fonts! I love typefaces and I love typesetting and graphic design. Which was my previous career and one I gave up much to my, now, regret.

Anyway I did buy it on Wednesday night.

No will power

Maybe that will happen next week, after all, all of the aforementioned 'achievements' have been successful and are ticking over just now - little steps, remember, little steps!

Wk 6 TO DO list
- daily scratchcard M/T/W/T/F
- check bank every day M/T/W/T/F
- diary every day T/W/F
- PAD every day M £1 bc/T £1 bc/W £160 ebay account/T £1 bc/F £1 bc
- list 3 x ebay items per day S/M/T/W/T
- make £5 a day S/M/T/W/T
- NSD T/F
[STRIKE]- check b/c[/STRIKE]
- check nationwide
[STRIKE]
- check halifax and call to close account
- check santander and call to close account
[/STRIKE]
- research Jwil's advice on bingoport and surveys to earn amazon vouchers
- organise stuff/projects for inaugaral sewing circle meeting
- put tiles and adhesive on ebay/loot
- watch a bit photography DVD T/
- start weekly photography project
- finish stripping the passage and staircase
- finish reading 'The Secret'
- then start to read it again
- ready Memory Girl's book (8pgs!)
- have a daily 10 min 'me time'
- chase expenses claim
[STRIKE]
- do 1 hr ironing a day
- print ebay stuff out and prepare for post
- post 8x ebay items
[/STRIKE]

Now I have a bit of an idea (about my future and I am hoping that letting the Universe as a whole know that maybe this will happen) .... but since this positive thinkingness has been main topic of conversation on various diaries and me thinking for the future, the UNIVERSE, it definitely wasn't me, put an idea back in my head which was in my head about 7 years ago and forgotten about.
An alternative career but it will take about two years to get there.

So i have started the initial research and looked into further study and where I may be able to do the course and two universities that are quite close to me do this course. So that was positive.

I then found that my degree is no use at all at one local Uni, ironically though that's where I got my degree in the first place! And also the maths qualification that I studied for this year is also no use.

So people, beware of the hype - the adult numeracy level 2 qualification, which I was told was a nationally recognised qualification which is equal to a maths GCSE, may not be! Well not when I want to use it.

So I will have to study maths GCSE. As well as the science GCSE which I was prepared to study. Now these have to be got by September when I may, if I get accepted to the other local Uni, be able to start the main studying.

God that is so gobbledigook isn't it? I think its because it's not definite and I am just doing the initial research to see if its at all viable that I don't want to say the words out loud but I do want to get it out in the open that I am thinking of my future and alternative career that will make me happy.

Now that's predominantly positive isn't it.

The list of positives:
I am very interested in this career path
There is one uni who may accept me
It will only take two years to qualify
I currently still have a job that may be able to support me for the time being!
The house will be almost finished in two months time so I can use this extra time for me and my future
I have memorygirls book to read to help me remember things!

The list of almost positives:
I need a maths gcse
I need a science gcse
I need a private tutor or distance/e-learning to study in my own time due to my yet-unknown work travel commitments
I need to find out where I can sit the exams come June 2012
I need to get rid of all my debt before I start the final main studying

So that's a good start isn't it? More positives than almost-positives!

Notice complete lack of use of 'n******e' vocabulary!!

Right, cracking on with work now. Got a list as long as me arm, as ever!!

Yippee for Friday, I am so tired that I am going to sleep sleep sleep (well on Sunday anyway!! Out all day Saturday!)

Wishing everyone a great weekend.

T
x

dirtyepic

Blimey!

I can't believe its been almost 2 weeks since I posted on here!

I can only blame my more than overdue lovely long week away from work - took me away from a boatload of worries and concerns and my energies were kinda channelled in a different direction.

So this little posting is a gentle re-entry into the world of the online diary posts and I will see what achievements can be made this week.

Wk 8 TO DO list
- daily scratchcard M
- check bank every day S/M
- diary every day M
- PAD every day S/M £1 bc/£1 nw/
- list 3 x ebay items per day S/M/
- make £5 a day S/M
- NSD

[STRIKE]- check nationwide[/STRIKE]
- check b/c
- update snowball

- research Jwil's advice on bingoport and surveys to earn amazon vouchers
- organise stuff/projects for inaugaral sewing circle meeting
- put tiles and adhesive on ebay/loot
- watch a bit photography DVD
- start weekly photography project
- finish stripping the passage and staircase
- finish reading 'The Secret'
- then start to read it again
- ready Memory Girl's book (8pgs!)
- have a daily 10 min 'me time'
- finish my lampshade
- iron 30 mins daily S/M
- ebay 3 items daily S/M


Now I have gone and committed myself to rather a good challenge, as part of Memorygirl's Matrix, I am attempting to collect 100 old unwanted football shirts for charity. The collective group on the Matrix are looking at collecting 10000 football shirts to be sent to a South African charity for kids in time for Christmas - 10000 smiles!!!

So today I have put a notice on our NHS intranet, contacted the comms/marketing team for further advice, emailed about 50 pals and I will attempt to pester my facebook pals tomorrow in search for the 100 shirts!

So if anyone is actually reading this and lives in the North East of England and may possess some old football shirts (any size, any team!) please drop me a line and I will come and collect!!!

My lovely baldy husband is donating my first so only 99 to go!!

Anyway, got me second lot of ironing to be getting on with and also 2 more items to get onto ebay.

Night all, it's good to be back!

T
x

dirtyepic

Yep yet again not had the chance to get on here and chunter on about me me me!!!

We had a minor plumbing issue which took until about 9.45 tonight to resolve. Needless to say my husband passed his crash course in household plumbing with flying colours. It may take a while for the carpets to dry out though!

So due to that, and getting the hallway/staircase/landing/vestibule areas all prepared and ready for the arrival of the plasterer tomorrow morning, I haven't had much of a chance to achieve anything tonight really.

Well apart from message 95% of my facebook pals, which took approx 12 messages cos they wouldn't send all at once so I had to go through the names in alphabetical order! The message was about the Kits for Kids charity that I have volunteered to help out with. My task is to collect 100 old unwanted football strips to send to orphaned and disadvanted kids over in South Africa. Its very very exciting and I am so proud to be part of it all.

But I am extremely tired and must go to sleep - well after I update my to do list!!

Wk 8 TO DO list
- daily scratchcard M/T
- check bank every day M/T
- diary every day M/T
- PAD every day S/M £1 bc/£1 nw/
- list 3 x ebay items per day S/M/
- make £5 a day S/M
- NSD

- check nationwide
- check b/c
- update snowball

- research Jwil's advice on bingoport and surveys to earn amazon vouchers
- organise stuff/projects for inaugaral sewing circle meeting
- put tiles and adhesive on ebay/loot
- watch a bit photography DVD
- start weekly photography project
- finish stripping the passage and staircase
- finish reading 'The Secret'
- then start to read it again
- ready Memory Girl's book (8pgs!)
- have a daily 10 min 'me time'
- finish my lampshade
- iron 30 mins daily S/M
- ebay 3 items daily S/M

Yikes what a rubbish day for achievements. Oh well there's always tomorrow!

T
x

dirtyepic

It's been such a while since I wrote on my diary, which was doing such a good job in keeping me on the straight and narrow.

I am having to write down how I am feeling just now cos I have to get this off my chest and I am working myself up to tears just with sheer frustration.

I have been off work all week with infections in both of my ears, affecting my hearing and has been affecting my sleep. I am now on antibiotics to clear the infections, anti-histamines for the itching, betnesol eardrops for the inner ear inflammation and betnovate for the outer ear excema/dryness - costing me an absolute fortune!

Over the past two days I have started to feel like I am on the receiving end of a head cold or it could be the medication doing its job. I just don't know.

I am sleeping late rather a lot or falling asleep during early evening and that is now affecting my back again.

I went for a nice walk last night with a pal (collecting football strips for the Kits for Kids charity - see Memory Girl Matrix thread) and when I got home I felt so poorly, I had no energy at all. My darling baldy husband had my lush tea ready for me and I was in bed for 9pm.

I slept all the way through to 9.30 this morning and got up and showered immediately to stop my back from playing up.

God this reads back as such a whinge.

I am also receiving counselling once a week for depression and anxiety. This is ongoing and can be very deep and upsetting for me but it's the only way I think that my issues can be dealt with. Its worked before for me in the past and I am very positive that it will be successful again.

Now after being away from work for a week you think I would be getting myself put right but I can't pull myself around one bit.

Again, I just want to run away from everything that's bothering me to return when I can think straight.

I can't seem to do right for doing wrong.

I don't look forward to people's company I would rather just shut myself away upstairs in my little study/workroom and potter about, achieving absolutely nothing.

I have just upset my husband for not texting him when I woke up this morning. I didn't realise I had to so now he is a bit cheesed off with me and didn't even come up and say hello when he got back home from work.

I am a 42 year old, educated and responsible woman who cannot even do the basics like think straight or complete the most basics of tasks without getting distracted.

Now I upset people by doing/not doing stuff that I didn't even know that I was supposed to do.

Shall I see how much of my 'to do lists' have actually been achieved this week? Or is that being negative or positive?

Here goes:

Wk 9 TO DO list

- check bank every day M/T/W/T/F
- diary every day F
- PAD every day S/M/T/W/T/F £4 bc/£3 nw/
- list 3 x ebay items per day S/M/
- make £5 a day
- NSD

- check nationwide
- check b/c
- update snowball

- research Jwil's advice on bingoport and surveys to earn amazon vouchers
- organise stuff/projects for inaugaral sewing circle meeting
- put tiles and adhesive on ebay/loot
- watch a bit photography DVD
- start weekly photography project
[STRIKE]- finish stripping the passage and staircase[/STRIKE]
- finish reading 'The Secret'
- then start to read it again
- ready Memory Girl's book (58pgs!)
- have a daily 10 min 'me time'
[STRIKE]- finish my lampshade[/STRIKE]
- iron 30 mins daily F
- ebay 3 items daily


Oh well it doesn't look as bad as first anticipated. I think next week I will have set myself even smaller targets or less targets to achieve as I don't think I can actually achieve these ones!

Crikey I think I will have to go back to school to learn how to do simple things like prioritise again!

Well it's off me chest but not making me feel any better at all.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Howabout I blame me ears?!!

Hope everyone is having a more positive day than me.

Keep smiling all

T
x

beanielou

Sorry that things are so tough at the mo
Keep plodding~you will get there in the end.

jwil

I can understand how you are feeling, I've been wanting to shut myself away too. You will get there though. Feel free to let it out on here any time - that's what your diary is for after all!

I'm loving the lists by the way, I'm thinking I need to do some too.

Hope you are feeling better today xx

dirtyepic

MISERABLE POST WARNING!!!

MUST GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD AND DOWN IN WRITING!!!

Blimey! How long has it been since keeping up the diary.
I have just had a little read back of a few of the most recent ones and realise how seriously 'up and down' and I can be.
I have been back to work for over a week now and although I feel I am getting through my mountain of rubbish it's so ........ my words, at the moment, just aren't there!!! I start to write a sentence then by the end of it I have forgotten what I wanted to say!
It's going to be a long long week.
It might be best to ignore the next few paragraphs - not positive at all but I am going to get this all off my chest and one day it may all seem petty and nonsense but at the minute it's a bit of a personal nightmare for me.

Now, deep breath ....... Okay I think its now time to tell all - I have work issues, health issues, a financial issue and personal issues.
Not many issues left that i haven't got really!
Reading a bit further into this, my work, health and personal issues probably stem from my financial issue. My debt is managable and I have stopped spending over two months ago by taping my credit cards into a folder, in a box, under my bed! I haven't bought any clothes since July!
My two cards are balance transfers till end October and December 2010.
I have stopped spending before it gets out of control and I won't be able to manage the repayments.
Now the reasons behind this stupid unecessary debt lie far deeper and I think it may be linked by my ongoing issue with depression which is a recurring problem and has been since around 1993(ish). I have been treated for this, initially with antidepressants, which I hated and more recently with counselling and therapy, which I am now in the middle of - for the third time.
The financial situation is worrying me so much as I am scared I may lose my job therefore the debt will not be managable. This keeps me awake at night.
I am a discharged bankrupt (declared myself bankrupt in 2000. Due to financial establishments not allowing me a bit of leeway (sp?) when I had a bit of a hard time but had a clear credit record. I knew that it was out of control and it was advised to me by an insolvency practitioner to go down the bankruptcy route as I was single, lived at home and could actually come out of it okay. Which I did. So I am now ultra careful with payments but stupid enough to allow my debt to grow!.
Also, now this is the hardest part, my husband is not aware of this personal debt. This also keeps me awake at night. It is my debt and our joint account is fine, we have saved to renovate our home and everything is okay with that finance. I pay a lump sum into the joint account each month, with a little bit extra for saving for a rainy day etc and that is never going to be affected.
I promised my husband that my debt would never grow. I wouldn't allow myself to get dragged down again.
He knows I have some debt but not the amount that it has got to over the past two and a half years. I work almost every night on my ebay sales (which only actually bring in about £150 a month) but every little helps.
I am not in a stable enough mental state to talk to him about it. My counsellor is helping me gain a bit of strength and when I am good and ready I will tell him.
My health, as mentioned above, isn't 100% but that is being worked on.
Work doesn't help. I have taken a career change, well in 2004 I did. It is the biggest regret of my life.
I am now within the public sector working as a H&S advisor- office/warehouse h&s. Now this is a massive change from my previous career as a Typesetter/Graphic Designer.
I am stuck in a miserable job, in a massively negative environment with people who ask for H&S advice and don't listen. People who are out to claim for injuries. People who are too lazy to do any thinking for themselves contact us to do their thinking for them. People who are actually thinking for themselves then decide that we don't do enough ..... yadda yadda yadda. We have a team of three (soon to be two), who are the H&S advisors for around 4000 people located all over England, between Easbourne and Newcastle. I am so bitter about this situation I have allowed myself to be dragged into and it's taking my whole attitude to life and work and the future into a continual grey place. I am unable to change jobs just yet due to the inability to find one. I can't take a lower paid job because I will never get myself out of this debt.
I have been reminded by my colleague, who started the same time as me, that we were both unemployed at the time we were offered this job and really, we had no choice but to take it. She has just handed in her notice, lucky girl!!
Personal issue - my youngest sister and that is all I can say about her just at this moment because the thought of the situation gets me quite anxious
Now it's not all doom and gloom and I want everyone to know that I am not in such a bad way that I will do anything bad.
My positive points at the moment are:
- loving husband and brilliant home life
- great friends (well most of them! I am having difficulty socialising at the moment and choose to not spend time with people who are negative or toxic)
- a job!
- my counselling is going really well and we have identified a number of 'hot issues' which can be worked on
- my anxiety is seemingly down for now (thanks to Bachs Rescue Remedy maybe?)
- my pile of ironing is up to date
- my small goals (see to do list) are achievable
- helping with the Kits for Kids charity appeal on the Memorygirl Matrix forum (doing well so far as well, so I CAN ACHIEVE something!!)


Now that I have all of that off my chest I think its time to get to the day to day running of my life and my new lists:

Wk 11 TO DO list
- check bank every day M/T/W
- PAD every day S/M/T/W/T/F (£7 b/c this week)
- make £5 a day M/T/W
- NSD M/T
- check nationwide
- check b/c
- update snowball
- start sewing cushion covers to sell on ebay
- put tiles and adhesive on ebay/loot
- finish rereading 'The Secret'
- read Memory Girl's book (58pgs!)
- have a daily 10 min 'me time'
- ebay 30 minutes per day

If you have read this and it has brought you down a bit I apologise.
I am grateful to have the opportunity to get this down in writing and off my chest and hope to be a bit more positive in the future. You have been warned though, I have lots of ups and downs!!
Keep smiling everyone!
T
x

dirtyepic

beanielou wrote: »

Sorry that things are so tough at the mo
Keep plodding~you will get there in the end.

jwil wrote: »

I can understand how you are feeling, I've been wanting to shut myself away too. You will get there though. Feel free to let it out on here any time - that's what your diary is for after all!

I'm loving the lists by the way, I'm thinking I need to do some too.

Hope you are feeling better today xx

Hi beanielou and jwil,

Thanks so much for your support.

Some days I am fine (I am now since writing my rather miserable update!) some days I am not. Simple as.

I am now feeling a bit confident to hand deliver my cv to a couple of agencies located near my office. Obviously they haven't returned my calls (as ever) so I think an appearance by me is the only way!

T
x