Weekly Flylady Thread 16th August 2010

Mumto5

Advice on Step children - Do you have a couple of hours??? Main thing is to never tell them off and don't try to be a "mum" to them.

Never judge their decisions and don't tell them what to do as you will be told you are not their parent and have no right.

Never say anything negative about the other parent.

If they stay at your place give them their own space even if it's just a drawer that no-one else can touch. Let them choose their bed sheets now matter how tasteless they appear, it helps their feeling of belonging.

If you decide to add to your family don't let them hear about it from someone else (jealous twisted ex).

As time passes if they consider you an older "friend" you have done well. I've been step mum for 20 years and now they are adults they have just about forgiven me from all the poison DH's XW fed them. I now help DSS with his accounts and DSD is asking for my advice with how to help with her poorly nan.

HTH

wornoutmumoftwo

:jJust got my certificate from the OU for the first course I passed towards my degree. I can now use the word: certEYP(open) after my name. :j

As for cleaning, I'm on a frenzy as I try to tidy the boys room up in time for OH brother who is staying for a few days.

greenbee

LameWolf wrote: »

Greenbee no words of wisdom re your OH's boys, but just wanted to send my best wishes, and hope it all works out well. I'm sure it will.:o

Thanks. Glad you're having a lovely time with your doggy visitors

pigpen wrote: »

For you.. don't tell tales... 'SS is doing x'.. drives me insane when OH does it.. we are working on it!! being their friend is fine.. everyone needs another friend.. and make sure they know that is all you will ever want or need to be.

Absolutely - my mother told me that one of the reasons she and her stepmother never got on because (at only 3 years older) her stepmother tried to set up a mother/daughter relationship

pigpen wrote: »

food.. they are old enough to be told.. 'eat or starve'.. and also old enough to help.. let them look through some books and find a meal they would like to try.. ad prepare it together.

well I think that, but according to OH they're spoilt and get whatever they want all the time. I think he's keen to try to unspoil them. So he has a rough meal plan for next time and will do a supermarket shop (on his own ... it'll take HOURS) before they visit. It does include things like making pizzas together - he sees that meals either need to be bung in the oven or prepare together so that they make the most of the time. He doesn't have cookbooks - although he is going to suggest they look up some recipes online and then go and get the ingredients (there's a shop within walking distance) if they don't have them in.

pigpen wrote: »

cash.. mine don't get pocket money and ask if they want cash for something. DD1 and I have had a discussion about the things she will be expected to buy from her ema.

His oldest won't get EMA, so they're going to discuss this weekend what he thinks he needs money for and how much. He'll then get given an allowance that he has to account for, so that if he needs a raise he can justify it. And if he overspends, he'll have to negotiate for an advance and/or work for it if appropriate.

Valli wrote: »

Greenbee
From my own experience (me not my kids) the worse thing about visiting the 'other' parent is feeling like a visitor and not a member of the family IYSWIM. I was always hurt that my dad had photos of his new family around his house - but none of his first family. So, if I were your OH I would try to get some pictures up...it sends a message without being overt.

He's already got a couple of photos of them up, and I've suggested that he goes through his photos on his PC and sends off to get some printed so we can put more up. He's worried about making holes in the walls of a rented flat, but I've pointed out that photos can go on shelves, and that walls were made to have pictures on... he can fill them when he moves out!

Valli wrote: »

Maybe they could try cooking together. And if they help themselves to fruit/biscuits/drinks at 'home' can their dad make sure they can do that at his...

Rather than buying snacks full of transfats (and because he can bake!) he's going to try to get them making cakes and biscuits with him. He's having to have a think about what they both like, so he's understanding where the gaps in his knowledge are :cool:

Valli wrote: »

But if they have the same rules in both homes it will be easier - ie same bedtime etc.

apparently they don't have many rules about bedtime etc. at home... so it's going to be interesting when he tries to get some kind of routine and consistency going He doesn't have a TV yet either, so I've suggested that he gets them to help him choose one and set it up, so that he is involving them in decisions about his new home (however temporary it is going to be).

Valli wrote: »

and like Piggers says - don't tell tales. But I don't think they'll be meeting you anytime soon so worry not. The young one will be grossed out by the thought of you-know-what anyway - the older one might be ok. I've got a grossed-out one here. *sigh*

I guess we're just going to have to take it slowly... but given how long I've been on my own for, having some free weekends etc when he's off seeing the kids will probably be a good thing!

I can see that I've let myself in for a LOT of hard work...

Mum_on_a_mission_2

list is getting shorter


veg/fruit shop
mantlepiece in dining room (awful & crowded, needs thinning!)

just as well as visitors will be here soon! Off to buy some veg/fruit now,

Moam

greenbee

Mumto5 wrote: »

Advice on Step children - Do you have a couple of hours??? Main thing is to never tell them off and don't try to be a "mum" to them.

Never judge their decisions and don't tell them what to do as you will be told you are not their parent and have no right.

Never say anything negative about the other parent.

If they stay at your place give them their own space even if it's just a drawer that no-one else can touch. Let them choose their bed sheets now matter how tasteless they appear, it helps their feeling of belonging.

If you decide to add to your family don't let them hear about it from someone else (jealous twisted ex).

As time passes if they consider you an older "friend" you have done well. I've been step mum for 20 years and now they are adults they have just about forgiven me from all the poison DH's XW fed them. I now help DSS with his accounts and DSD is asking for my advice with how to help with her poorly nan.

HTH

Thanks

OH is in what is hopefully temporary accommodation at the moment, but it has a second bedroom. We're waiting for a load of furniture from my parents holiday cottage, so for the moment he has an airbed, we've put his futon in the boys' room and there is a sofabed in the living room. And just about enough bedding to go round (none of it girly... there is no sign of any female influence in the house!). OH was going to keep all his clothes in the boys room, as his landlady left wardrobes in there, but I'm working on getting him to move one into his room, so they can have some privacy, and somewhere to keep their own stuff. We've already discussed that if/when we get a place together, they need to have their own space and not just be allowed to stay in a 'spare room'. In fact, I think they should be involved when we're looking for places, even if we don't necessarily go with their preferences in the end!

I certainly don't intend to mother them, and if we do decide to add to the family, OH will be the one to tell them - given their age, probably before he tells his ex (although we'd have to be careful on timing as it is only fair that she should know from him rather than from the kids or neighbours!)

Now, why couldn't I find myself a nice uncomplicated man without all this baggage???

Valli

But Greenbee if it's done right they will be fine.
And that suggestion about 'their ' space in dad's flat is brilliant too.
One of DDs friends and her brother split their time between mum and dad and have their own room at each. Mind you their split was REALLY well managed (to an outsider) mum has remarried; dad hasn't. I think there is still some 'hurt' there but the kids just aren't dragged into it.
Mum and dad go to school appointments together.

Greenbee he is going to have to tread carefully if he wants to 'improve' their diet...it is going to be seen as criticism of their mum and the choices she makes for them - even if they KNOW her choices aren't good ones!

invisiblecabbage

pigpen wrote: »

Your surname is Bic??? lol

no its M&S (and there is a spelling mistake ... the vest a man can get:rotfl::rotfl:

greenbee

Valli wrote: »

But Greenbee if it's done right they will be fine.
And that suggestion about 'their ' space in dad's flat is brilliant too.
One of DDs friends and her brother split their time between mum and dad and have their own room at each. Mind you their split was REALLY well managed (to an outsider) mum has remarried; dad hasn't. I think there is still some 'hurt' there but the kids just aren't dragged into it.
Mum and dad go to school appointments together.

I think that's what he was hoping for, but it doesn't seem to be working out like that. She refused to acknowledge the separation for a long time, and told the kids that he was away a lot for work (more than normal), so until he sat them down and explain that he'd actually moved out, they had no idea what was going on. She still seems sure that once he's 'fixed' (she has also told the kids that he's ill, and having some kind of breakdown) he'll be back, despite the fact that they are both going to counselling and he is clear as to his position. Hopefully if/when he moves on from the flat it won't be long before we move into somewhere bigger where they can both have their own rooms, where they can keep their own stuff. Obviously we'll both need enormous pay rises to pay for this mansion...

Valli wrote: »

Greenbee he is going to have to tread carefully if he wants to 'improve' their diet...it is going to be seen as criticism of their mum and the choices she makes for them - even if they KNOW her choices aren't good ones!

Yes... I'm trying to get him to compromise between what he likes eating (almost vegan, masses of veg) and what they're used to so it isn't too much of a shock. So good quality burgers, sausages etc alongside the vegetarian stuff he's cooking. I'm hoping that if he gets them cooking with him, they'll be more interested in the food which will help. I can foresee next weekend being very, very stressful for all three of them!

pigpen

greenbee wrote: »

Now, why couldn't I find myself a nice uncomplicated man without all this baggage???

Hey.. my OH has taken on my brood.. be thankful he only has the 2 lol

invisiblecabbage

Well hhc changed into fhc, thanks for the company. Most of Tues list that i had not done is now complete. Only 3 more days to catch up on so another
HHC at 1pm
declutter a quick drink before i fly ....