Opinions please on family child care issue

Ex-Spendaholic

I just want some opinons on this.

Basically I have 3 kids. When I was pregnant with the first I was persistenly tortured by my mother about when I would be going back to work so she could mind the baby. This continued through maternity leave.

Fast forward and there are now 2 other kids and another due later this year.

I pay £150 per month as a) my parents aren't the sort to do anything for free and b) I don't see that anyone should incur costs through looking after the kids. I work 3 days per week. 2 kids are at school until 3pm and the other is with the grandparents 9-5 3 days per week. The 3rd child is no problem at all and will occupy herself with toys and stuff, its not like she is a handful.

On my 2nd maternity leave, I continued to pay this £150 per month even though part of my leave was unpaid - it was a struggle finding the money when I had no income. On my 3rd maternity leave I had a year off and didn't pay them anything but was continually made to feel guilty about this.

The issue is going to raise its head again soon. I'll be having a year off again - am I wrong in not paying the money? Its not that I mind paying it when I'm on full pay its when the SMP and no pay kick in it becomes a problem. Unfortunately my mother refuses to believe that people get SMP only or no pay. She believes everything she reads in the paper unfortunately so if the government announce an extension to maternity leave she assumes its on full pay. I have been called a liar on occasion. :mad:

I should point out that whilst I am on maternity leave they will offer to take the kids on days but it is on their terms ie they'll say "bring them round at 1pm on Friday". Basically they will offer at times when it isn't much use to me. I don't expect anyone to look after my kids when I'm on maternity leave anyway, thats what I'm there for.

I just don't want to be totally unfair. Last month due to holidays etc, they only did 3 days but still got the full money. This month I'm being made to feel bad because they have the older 2 as they are off school and they have them as well. There is some kind of expectation that they should be paid more for this week and next week when they have all 3 kids. I should state that the eldest is barely there as he is out with his friends. I'm taking the last 2 weeks in August off so its not as if they have been put upon much this summer ie 3 days in July and 6 in August. I continually get references to "term time working". Again they would not understand that this would be unpaid and would expect to still receive money themselves for doing nothing. :mad: Then there is the old classic "working from home". My mother believes that my company could just arrange for me to "work from home" and I could have the kids here. She doesn't actually allow for me to any work but assumes they would pay me to sit at home and do painting, playdough etc with the youngest. :rotfl:

I'll point out here that I know I'm lucky that I don't pay out for childminders, nurseries and the like. That isn't the issue. Saying that it may come to it at the end of 2011 as none of my family are particularly happy about my 4th pregnancy but thats a whole other story.

Also I am married and my OH is self employed. On occasion if he has no work on then he keeps the kids. I'll also point out that no-one gave up a job to look after the kids so its not like I have someone's income to supplement.

What do other people think?

tasha-debt

Will they be looking after them even when you are off work for your years mat leave?

Supermom

Get a childminder!!

I wouldn't want to leave my kids with your parents, can't imagine why you would want to leave your kids with someone who calls you a liar??

Ex-Spendaholic

No they won't be, I will. They will request to see them maybe one afternoon a week (at a time convenient to them) but they will not be looking after them. I will be off work so I will have the 4 kids.

Proc

If you can't afford the costs of kids then stop having them.

Although it might seem tight of your parents to charge, they're within their right to do so. I know that when I have kids (e.g. My responsibility) if I ever asked my Mother to look after them I'd at very least offer something financially.

£150/month is a lot cheaper than a nursery.

bebewoo

Why don't you offer to pay them by the hour, then you'll only be paying for when they actually have them, like you would do with a proper childminder?

SkintGypsy

It doesn't seem fair for them to expect you to pay them when their services aren't required, but on the basis that you are unlikely to be able to find the childcare you need for four at a price you can afford, it seems that you are just going to have to suck it up and pay them. Unless you can afford for them not to look after the kids of course. In which case I would tell them to shove it. I can't imagine my mum expecting to profit from an arrangement like that.

Plans_all_plans

I think the £150 is incredibly cheap to look after one preschooler 3 days a week, plus 2 older ones 3 mornings before school/afternoons after school.

That aside, I feel it could possibly be unfair of your mum to ask you to pay it throughout your leave if she will not be having the kids. The fairness of the situ depends to me on did she leave a job to provide childcare for you or was she already retired? How much does she need this £150? If she gave up work to help you then I think you should continue to pay up. Likewise, if it will hurt her to not receive the money more than it will hurt you to pay her, then I think you should carry on paying.

You are lucky she is not charging you double her current rate. IMO, the fact your kids are with family while you work is fantastic and all benefit from it. If it's a choice between a childminder or family, family'd win for me hands down and I'd carry on coughing up so as not to rock the boat.

Amanda65

Proc wrote: »

If you can't afford the costs of kids then stop having them.

Although it might seem tight of your parents to charge, they're within their right to do so. I know that when I have kids (e.g. My responsibility) if I ever asked my Mother to look after them I'd at very least offer something financially.

£150/month is a lot cheaper than a nursery.

That's a bit harsh ! The point is that the OP wouldn't be paying a nursery presumably while she is on mat leave as she will be looking after her children other than times when her parents (the children's Grandparents !!)want to see them.

Proc - my children were always MY responsibility but that didn't stop my parents offering help when they were little and I was working, free of charge, as they wanted to spend time with their grandchildren. I never took advantage of the situation and always worked round their plans but they actually wanted to help and I hope, that if needed when I have grandchildren, I will do the same.

OP - it sounds as though your parents have come to rely on the money. I think you should sit them down as soon as possible and say that as of such and such a date they won't be needed for child care while you are on mat leave as you cannot afford the extra strain on your budget - and then send then on here to see if there is any way that they could cut their costs to minimise the loss. And good luck with the impending arrival

ailuro2

Our childminder is paid £170 a month for looking after our child part time after school and some full days in the holidays.

She is paid £3.80 an hour for one child.

At holiday times she is paid half pay.

work out how much it would cost you to have a real childminder instead of someone who lets your child occupy themselves during the day.

Then realise you get what you pay for, and ask if you're happy to continue with the current arrangement.

Have you worked out how much help you'd get with proper childcare, would any of you be able to get childcare vouchers from employer etc? Help is available these days, you don't have to stick with family to look after your kids.

brians_daughter

wow, urm, and i thought my family were a handful!

If she hasnt given up a job to have the kids, or isnt a registered childminder and you are on mat leave then she shouldnt be requesting this money as she doesnt actually have the kids. If she hasnt got the expense of having them there how can she justify taking the £s from you?

Another way to look at it is that you get very cheap childcare for 3, soon to be 4 kids for less than £2000 per year.

Personally i would see it as my mother was profiting off me if she was being paid when the kids werent there.. i do contribute to MILs food bills and fuel bills and pay for entrance to playgroups etc when she has my children when i am at work... but i know for a fact it doesnt even cover the costs she shells out. But she will not take anymore as she says it all evens out for the times they dont go out or i take a lasagne round or whatever.

If my mother didnt believe my financial situation then i would be questioning what she may be saying to others... and the children when you arent there!

Optins are..
1. Pay the money and feel like you are bing mugged
2. Have the talk with her saying you cannot justify paying her when the kids arent there ie mat leave
3. Put them in childcare.. but with 4 children you would be talking £1000's and £1000's

It seems very much she feels like shes got you where she wants you and is holding you to ransom over it...

Another idea... could you not set up a 'daily rate' ok, it may cost you more on a month to month basis but at least you are only paying her when they are there and not for mat leave!! You will need to be crystal that the daily rate is for when youa re at work, and when they pop round to take them out for the day the daily rate will not be paid. That way at least she knows she is getting £x per day for every day she has the kids and if she doesnt have them she doesnt get the £s

What a sorry state of affairs when a mother/grandmother is profiting out of her daughter/grandkids