Children - Are they worth it?

FlowerBob

Dear Taliwillow

I can relate absolutely to what you say. I will be 30 next birthday so hardly over the hill but old enough to be aware that the years are passing. Some days I want so much to be a family, rarely the overwhelming 'biological need' for children, but often just a feeling that surely that's what i'm here for? Other days I can't think of anything worse ... the lack of money, exhaustion, the horrid things it does to your body (being pregnant is so yucky!!), turning into a Mother (i.e. fussing and treating everyone like a 4 year old), the 18 years of worrying.........

Right now my husband doesn't feel any need to have children (tho he accepts that he might later change his mind) and I figure you have to both be committed to go for it, so I comfort myself that whichever way my life ends up I will still have loads of things to enjoy and focus on the positive.

Don't know what I'm going to do when I'm coming up 35 tho and a decision has to be made...

Whatever you decide I think you have to concentrate so much on the good stuff in your life. If you chose not to have children, why not get involved with some others - neices/nephews, friend's children, local groups (cubs/scouts/brownies - I've done that) and even fostering. If I'm childless at 40 I intend to get involved raising other people's as much as I can. Hopefully it will burn off some of my maternal instincts, and help me remember the good stuff about not having any of our own (having money, a nice house, sanity....)

Lots of hugs,
Bob

misty

taliwillow wrote:

I always thought I wanted children but not just yet, and then just over 2 years ago I got pregnant but unfortunately miscarried at 12 weeks. Since then, I seem to be desperate to have a baby

I always said I never wanted children but got pregnant at 30 - I knew immediately, I wanted the baby. I too miscarried at 12 weeks and was then desperate for a baby. I know have a son and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me by a 100 million miles. I know can't imagine my life without him. However, I do think for some people the decision to remain childless is right for them.

tee_pee_2

the_prophet wrote:

Hi, not sure how I ended up on this forum but as I have an interesting and relevant story i will post it. I was told I could never have children when I was 18 and it never bothered me. I chose a path in life that meant I could basically buy anything and go anywhere I wanted (all be it with an alcaholic husband) I thought I was happy until one day I realised I did not know how flowers smelt (cliche sorry!) I took a huge step after lots of therapy and finally left said hubby, job, security, travel, horse etc... and at 34 opted to live in a room the size of a breadbin and go back to school and became an impoverished under graduate. Needless to say I was happier then I had ever been, had to walk every where as no transport and completely got back to basics. I felt I had ripped up my old map and started a new one and I really did feel like 19 again with my future ahead of me. I had some interesting 'experiences' (!!!) one of them being meeting a portugese chap that was a uni friends ex boyfriend. We met new years eve 1999 and whilst nothing happened there was something. 18 months later we accidentally got in touch resulting in me going over to Jersey (where he lived) for a weekend. Well er...... as we were both grown ups we had....well er.......FUN.... and I though that was that. We had actually had a brief chat about children costing the price of a ferrari by the time they leave home which he felt was a complete waste of money and I had to say that I agreed and as I couldn't have children anyway a ferrari sounded good!!!! Well this guy must have had super s***k or it was a mircle...but I was pregnent. It is difficult to explain the absolute shock I was in, pregnent at 37, at university, no home, no real income, with a stranger who lived in another country. It just couldn't have been worse and yes I did go down the road of termination. However after much soul searching and the father and I talking, crying, sharing etc I had the baby who conveniently arrived during my easter holiday and I then started my dissitation with baby in one arm and computer in the other. That was 4 and 1/2 years ago and i have just finished off the final school shop to get games kits, plimsolls etc.... because next week my gorgeous boy starts school. His dad and I decided that we would make a go of it and be a family and he moved over in 2002 and we got married last year on a budget wedding that cost £600. We dont have any money but we get fun taking a picnic to the park and kicking a ball about and I do what ever I can to budget and save money. I am an avid ebayer and have gained loads of tips from this site. I am about to see my light at the end of the tunnell and now that I am so much more finacially aware I can continue to work part time and so we can remain solvent and I get my time back.

I would say that you never know at all what is around the corner and I never NEVER thought I would be able to cope with anything like this...but it just shows you what we humans are made of.

I wouldn't change a thing xxx

you made me cry. what a wonderful story and a great ending

abbecer

If and when the time is right you WILL know. I was convinced from a young age that i never wanted children, so much so that i had told my OH that we should split as he did want children eventually. However he stuck by me and when i had my 25th birthday i was hit by an overwhelming urge to have a baby. One month later i was pregnant and 30 months after that i had my 2nd son. I love been a mum and feel so much love and pride for my beautiful boys. I was a nurse before having them but being a mum is the hardest job i have ever had. By choice i have not returned to work and money is tight and it is a sacrifice. But i get to go to everything at nursery and take them to playgroups etc. Spending time with my boys is priceless and i'm fortunate that it is me who gets to see all their milestones.

Rebecca x

tee_pee_2

i never wanted kids never ever . Was told I couldn't so maybe in hind sight it was a defence mechanism ( honestly don't know). I fell pregnant TOTAL SHOCK.

She is 19mth now and she is my world. she has just learned to say hiya, and she was shouting from our front garden to the older kids a few doors away and they were ignoring her ( not nastily just doing their own thing) I could see on her face she was confused about their silence as when she says hi to me and family we all go into raptures.

The look on her face caused me a physical pain inside that someone albeit unintentionally was upsetting her. The intenisty of my love/emotions for her scare me sometimes, and this was me who would glare at a child it if came within 1/2 mile of me.

motherhood it rocks!!

wifeforlife

Follow your heart! Just sit with your eyes closed, in silence, just pondering and see where you end up.

I personally wasnt maternal in anyway, I had a great lifestyle, job and money, then I became preg at 21 and everything seemed to go downhill. I've still a great job although I'm part time (less money) I'm hugely in debt (wont be debt free until 2011) and I'm a single parent (my daughters father chose not to be involved) BUT I wouldn't go back!

My only regret was not bonding as quick with my daughter, I resented her for me not getting out, for not meeting new people, for gaining weight, and of course for my debt but it wasnt her fault for any of it. Shes actually saved my life instead of adding to the burden, she wakes me every morning with a big hug and says good morning, when I'm sitting on the couch on a friday night crying because I'm on my own she sits beside me and puts her arm around my neck. Shes only 3!

I would never go back and chose not to have her, even with all the money worries she and I never go without, we dont just survive we live!

I believe a child doesnt need money a child needs love and attention

HTH in some way
Goodluck
Cath

cuddlymarm

There's no doubt that having children are expensive and hard work.

Someone small, cute and noisy will turn your life upside down and you will want to give them the best of everything. That's just the way it is, you worry whether you will be able to provide all the love and attention they will need. Whether you can really afford to bring up children but in reality you just get on with it.

It's a long road and worth every sacrifice.

mclaren_2

Who ever is thinking "is a child worth it" - wont know the answer untill they see the little bundle of joy in their arms.

Personally, i dont have any kids yet but i do want to have them one day.

If i had the choice now, to have a baby or not atall, my finantual situation is not good but i wouldnt think twice. Having children is, yes, a finantual problem but there are always ways around that - and yes, i am a male.

choccyface2006

I think that there are more people that regret NOT having children than having them. I don't think many people look at their children and honeslty wish they hadn't had them.

I adore my two gorgeous daughters, its true that there are some sacrafices to make but maybe you should look at them more as compromises. Your life doesn't have to stop because you have children, you just have to adjust and find a happy balance.

I am so lucky to have my girls, I simply can't imagine being without them. They are priceless to me, I would sooner have them than all the money in the world.


Sarah x

catkins

choccyface2006 wrote:

I think that there are more people that regret NOT having children than having them. I don't think many people look at their children and honeslty wish they hadn't had them. Sarah x

I am in my 50's, been married 27 years and have no children. I do not regret it and never have done even though various people over the years have told me I will. I think it is the best decision I and OH ever made and definitely the right one for us.

Most of my friends have children (mainly grown up now) and I have been amazed how many of them have told me if they could go back in time they would not have had children. They say they love their children dearly but given a second chance would not have them. I think they would not dare say this to someone with children because they feel that person would be shocked. Recently I was speaking to my brother in law's sister (who does not have children) and she said she also had had a lot of people (mainly women) say the same to her.