Children - Are they worth it?

taliwillow

Hello all,

Now I'm sure I'm going to get mixed responses on this one bt I was wondering, do you think children are worth the sacrifices, especially financially. I have always been very keen to have a child despite the fact that I can't think of any good reasons to have one other than I feel this biologial urge. When I think about the practicalities of it, it really does put me off having children. My husband and I estimate that we will be totally debt free in just under 3 years (other than our mortgage) and my salary will become disposable income which will be great. The downside is that we feel that if we are going to have a child it will have to be within the next 3-4 years which means we won't be able to become debt free for much longer or, if we pay off the debts first, my income still won't be disposable as I will have to give up my job (or keep it and pay childcare costs) so we will have to struggle just as much as we are now. It's just annoying that we have been on a really really tight budget for so long, we finally see light at the end of the tunnel and then a baby seems to be blocking out the light. I know having a baby isn't all about the money but if I am to provide them with a good home then I at least need to be able to afford my home and feed and clothe them. I also think that having a baby is stressful enough without having to worry about money too.

What do you all think?

Thanks

Taliwillow

gwinnie

Hi Taliwillow

Are you really looking for advice or for confirmation of what you have already decided?

tanith

I think if I had worried about the ifs, ands, and buts of having children I would still be childless at the ripe old age of 58. If you are ready to have children you will know when the time is right and all the other factors will fade into the background or you will find solutions .... IMHO.......

I have 3 grown up children and 7 grands so I guess my kids all thought like I did ..........:rotfl:

wigginsmum

I thought about it and decided No so I never had kids and don't regret it. For me, it was less about money and more about general quality of life and free time. I never felt that maternal urge and know I would have massively resented children; I feel I've had a better/happier/more personally satisfying life for not having had them. Unless you really REALLY want kids, don't have them. They deserve the best of you and you have to be prepared to give it. If you don't want kids, be bold enough to do your own thing; no-one has to conform to the norm of having children.

You might want to read a book called Childfree And Loving It - it was recommended to me by someone on here and it just confirmed what I instinctively felt:

Childfree And Loving It

It does seem to me from your initial post that you don't really want kids - that's fine if that's the way you feel. No point having them and resenting them for messing up your life.

rchddap1

If you'd asked me around 6-7 months ago if I wanted kids I probably would have said...erm....not really bothered. However, here I am 29 weeks pregnant. As time is going by I am building a very strong bond with my bean and wouldn't swop her for any amount of cash or quality of life.

I honestly don't know what is going to happen in the next 6-12 months because so much is changing in my life right now. Nothing is 'stable'. However, with luck I'll have my family around me to give us a hand and I'll throw as much love at my daughter as I can.

The rest is in the lap of the gods...at the moment anyway.

My mum told me that before she had me she wasn't too bothered with kids either, but after I turned up wouldn't have had things any other way.

alanalea

Again, exactly what rchddap1 said....... 2 years ago if you'd asked me, I would have said not really bothered to possibly even no, I don't want children- (I've got 2 older step sons, 1 of which live with us). Now, 2 years down the line i've got a beautiful 14 month old daughter who I would/could never be without. Yes you don't get much free time, i'm tired every evening and go to bed early, my husband and I don't go out as a 'couple' any more, my house looks like a bomb has hit it even after i've tidied and we still don't have any money BUT it's nothing to the joy I get watching my daughter grow and develope with her own personality. Having her has not changed our plans too much, having my ss move in has changed them more with his GCSES coming up over the next 2 years.

patchwork_cat

hi
This is a very personal descion, but don't understimate your maternal urge.

Having children is not about logic.If you thought about it too deeply concentrating on the financial side, time and stress side no one would have children.

However the thing that you are missing is something that you don't know ironically until you have had them.

Ths absolute allconsuming love that you feel when you hold your first born - maybe not the first time. The knowledge that if someone were to threaten that child you would die rather than let them harm them. You don't know until you have them.

It is why we are here. I will be slated for that, but it is a biological fact.

Actually writing this has reminded me how much I love my kids at 13 and 8 you sometimes forget!!

I would not be without them.

I am not an earth mother who only ever wanted children. Children are hard work there is no doubt.

Horasio

I have a lazy bum of a teenager just now, so if you ask me if they are worth it, I would say no.

The worst thing I noticed was the loss of freedom, having to find and pay for childcare. That is no easy task, even if you have pots of money. I had my parents handy for the first five years, which was a mixed blessing.

But children aren't all bad at all times. He was the best baby and older child/early teen.

I was told I might not be able to have children. I was a little sad but not too bothered, as we weren't terribly well off. As it turned out, I was able to have children, so thought this was meant to be.

It is amazing that somehow you manage financially. There are always people who give gifts to newborns and their parents.

As our child got older, our income went up, so was able to give him more. Sometimes I wonder if we should have. If a child has to struggle a bit, then they appreciate things more and work for things more when they are older.

I chose not to have a second child for health reasons and other circumstances.

Alikay

Are they worth it? Absolutely!
And I don't consider that I've made any sacrifices - just choices that are dependant on circumstances.
I never wanted children in my first marriage and was indifferent to them in my second...until our first child came along ( we now have 3)
I won't evangelise: its too personal a decision, but yes, they ARE worth it.

rchddap1

The knowledge that if someone were to threaten that child you would die rather than let them harm them. You don't know until you have them.

Erm.....got my pram yesterday.....the frame was all bent. Bean isn't even here yet and I was swearing and cursing all the way home. Along lines such as....How dare they put my little one at risk and if they dared to refuse to replace it I'll hang, draw and quarter the lot of 'em.

Already got the defence urge.

taliwillow

Thank you all for your replies. I find it very interesting to hear all the different opinions although I was expecting to be verbally hung, drawn and quartered. In response to the question 'Am I just asking for confirmation of what I have already decided?', No I'm not as I still haven't really decided.

I always thought I wanted children but not just yet, and then just over 2 years ago I got pregnant but unfortunately miscarried at 12 weeks. Since then, I seem to be desperate to have a baby and because of my husbands age, I feel that we really need to do it soon. But I am also a very practical person who tries not to let emotions make decisions so when I try to think about the practical and financial issues regarding children, it doesn't all add up very well.

I also sometimes think of the emotional side of what if I do the parenting wrong. For example, I was brought up by a single mother and had a very bad childhood. I'm sure she was doing her best and I try to remind myself of that but that doesn't get rid of the various paranoias, fears and general issues with social situations that I have. The hurt I felt when growing up that my father didn't want me was soul destroying (although I finally feel I am ok with that now) and I don't contact my mother all that often as we don't really have anything in common and when we do see each other we end up arguing within a few hours (although that does seem to be improving a little now). I feel guilty about this as when I was younger I know that she was working 65 hours a week (in 3 different jobs) just for us to survive so she has gone through a lot for me. So I suppose I wonder, what if myself and my husband have a child, end up never getting into a comfortable financial position, and then our child turns 16, says I hate you and we never see them again.

I know this is probably a very pessimistic view and you would hope it wouldn't get that bad but you hear so many stories of fantastic parents and their children still go off the rails.

I'm sure this sounds like I really don't want to have children but I only think like this around 50% of the time. And I suppose my biggest fear is regretting not having them.

Sorry this post is so long but at least I got it out of my system.

I think it might be worth me having a look at that book!

Thanks

Taliwillow