Freeloading friend.

bella*donna

Hi,

Last year, I became friendly with one of my neighbours. She is a good bit younger than me, but seemed fun.

We popped over each others for coffee and that and everything was fine. On her birthday last year, I bought her a necklace and some make-up bits and she seemed really happy. Then things started to get a bit one-sided. She complained her computer had broken and that she couldn't afford to fix it, so my husband fixed it for her over a few evenings (not a big deal, but he works 12 hour shifts and gets up at 04:30 in the AM). She was pleased and promised to get him something to say thank you, never did.

We were having a party and decided to invite her and her boyfriend as they were new to the area. Everyone else bought a bottle/snacks but they turned up empty handed and got stupid drunk on everyone elses booze. She also bought a friend I had never met.

At Christmas, she was out of work again and so I suggested just doing cards. She made a massive fuss that it was her first Christmas with her fella so she wanted it to be a big deal. She told me she had a nightie she had bought that was too big for her so she would wrap it up for me. I joked that I would get a crate of beer for her other half cos he is a big drinker. Whilst doing my Xmas shopping, I bought her a home accessory type gift for the both of them cos they hadn't been living together long and didn't have much "decoration" stuff in their home. I girfwrapped it with bows and ribbons and took it over a few days before Xmas. She said she hadn't finished her shopping and would see me before Xmas. But she never did. I was a little annoyed cos I was the one who said lets not bother. She told me after Xmas, her BF was annoyed cos I hadn't bought him beer.

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and she came round with a card and a box of milk tray. It's her birthday again in a couple of weeks and I don't know what to do. Should I get her a gift, or just a card?

I don't want to be a cow, but it's loads of little things if you know what I mean. Her BF and her were trying to put a mirror up and failing, so they asked my husband for help and he went over with his tools and did it for them, which lead to several other jobs whilst he was there. She said that she would have us over for sunday dinner as thanks and never did. She also knocked one day asking me to lend her some sanitary pads, so I gave her a pack and she never replaced them. I know its not a lot of money or anything, but I feel a bit peeved.

Would other MSE'ers get her a present or not? If not, how would you handle the situation?

amandada

Get her a card but no present, then drop her like a hot brick!

You could be describing a neighbour I once had, and I guarantee you the next thing she asks for will be cash. Next time she a sks to borrow something, be ready with a stock answer of "sorry I'm using it" or "sorry I don't have any"
Use that kind of response to every request and she should soon get the message.

Tropez

Personally, I'm not sure whether she is knowingly freeloading, or whether she's just being naive. You say she's a good bit younger than you, but would that be young enough where this is her first time out in the real world away from her parents?

I know a few people who made the jump to living on their own or living with their partner a bit too soon and quickly learned the hard way just how difficult it actually is to balance the books as it were. It's possible that she is well intentioned and doesn't intend to cause you offence but is not doing well managing her finances at the moment. I don't know what their personal situations are like obviously (jobs, income etc.) but it is a possibility. I've known people on reasonable incomes (£22k a year plus) find themselves struggling through the first six months to a year because the truth is that young people aren't taught jack about the real world in schools (a major failing of our education system in my opinion, but another topic entirely).

If you buy her something, just buy her something small - £5 bottle or wine perhaps? You could keep your friendship purely superficial and spend next to nothing on gifts at birthdays and xmases and I doubt it would cause an issue.

Maybe she is actively and knowingly freeloading but it is probably simply a case of her not realising that's how it comes across to you.

tanith

Sorry but she is taking you for a ride... just give her a card and leave it at that...

bella*donna

Thanks for replying. She has already dropped lots of hints about "borrowing" money before but I ignored it. She always complains she is too poor to do things like tax and MOT her car, but buys clothes like she is setting up her own shop. I have tried the "I don't have one" approach, but she is very thick skinned. I screen her calls, but if I don't call back, she comes over and knocks on the door "to see if I'm ok".

RAS

It maybe that she see you and hubby as substitute parents who she can free-load off like she has done for her real ones?

Get her a card and stop hubby being so available. If he ever goes over, ring him after 10 minutes and find some reason he has to come home.

bella*donna

I thought that to Tropez, and they do have debt. She spends a lot of money on cars, booze and clothes. I do think it's intentional. She works as an in home carer for the elderly, and got fired from her last job just after Xmas for suspected stealing. She was arrested, but the police had no evidence so the case was dropped.

It's since then that I have tried to distance myself a bit. She even gets her eggs from a farm up the road that sells at their entrance with an honesty box. She just takes the eggs and does not pay. She also stole all her garden stuff from pubs and other peoples front gardens!

Starrystarrynight

I'm not sure I'd even bother to get her a card!

Gordon_Hose

You're a very generous person, a trait not often seen nowadays.

I think you should just get her a card, and leave it at that. And if she does start asking to borrow money, just say that you don't have any to lend her. I think you already know you won't see it ever again. She's obviously trying the sympathy trick to see if you'll offer, rather than her having to ask.

Your husband should maybe say he's a bit busy when she asks for a job doing, and that he'll try and do it in a few days/at the weekend when he might have a bit more free time.

You've obviously shown yourself as a generous person, and they're taking advantage a bit, maybe not knowingly, but either way you need to knock it on the head.

RAS

bella*donna wrote: »

She even gets her eggs from a farm up the road that sells at their entrance with an honesty box. She just takes the eggs and does not pay.

Have you told them?


She also stole all her garden stuff from pubs and other peoples front gardens!

Ditto.

I would lock everything up.

Tropez

bella*donna wrote: »

I thought that to Tropez, and they do have debt. She spends a lot of money on cars, booze and clothes. I do think it's intentional. She works as an in home carer for the elderly, and got fired from her last job just after Xmas for suspected stealing. She was arrested, but the police had no evidence so the case was dropped.

It's since then that I have tried to distance myself a bit. She even gets her eggs from a farm up the road that sells at their entrance with an honesty box. She just takes the eggs and does not pay. She also stole all her garden stuff from pubs and other peoples front gardens!

I see. Well I imagine that they will have debts. Lots of young people these days max out credit cards buying silly amounts of clothes, or dvds or whatever else takes their fancy. Someone close to me got into a lot of financial trouble that way - in fact, I can think of several people I know, who to be fair are kind and considerate, who just do utterly stupid things with money. Out of my close group of friends, I'm probably seen as the boring one because I don't like to spend money on booze or other such things - I'd rather know the cash machine will give me that twenty when I need it.

Still, if this woman goes around stealing things then it is highly likely that she is aware of how she is treating you and maybe even sees you as a soft touch. Whether you go ahead and buy her a present now really depends on this person's attitude... given the fact you have to live with her (well next to her), would a couple of quid on some cheap gift keep the peace a bit better than "forgetting"? Or do you think she wouldn't really care if she didn't receive a gift?

I, personally, would simply act cordially around her but make no concerted effort to be her friend. If she requires odd jobs, simply ask your husband to say that he has to be up early for work and "might be able to do it at the weekend" or some other excuse that leaves it vague as to when/if he'd be able to help.

At the end of the day, whatever she might be like, she has you doubting her intentions and clearly has strained her friendship with you. It is best for you to sever that link as much as possible, but perhaps just be superficially friendly to her in passing to keep the peace - and to hopefully make it a little less likely she'll steal from you.