Please help! toddler with really bad hitting problem

amiya

Hi people I don't know where else to post this but I would really appreciate any advice from anyone on how to deal with the situation.

I have a toddler (girl) who's going to be 2 next month and she has a horrible habit of hitting other kids, its been going on for ages now. She doesn't just push them over or give a little smack, she grabs the face really aggressively and holds on, it leaves horrible marks and must really hurt.
I just got off the phone with my sister and apparently she scratched my nephew in the eye when she poked it last time (my poor nephew has scratches all over his face)

I've tried reasoning and explaining to her, I tried showing her how to be nice etc and now I'm just worn out. Whenever we go to the park or children centres I constantly have to be behind her and am really worried as I'm having a baby in 3 months.

mrcow

Don't reason or explain.

You tell her that she is NOT to do it.

If she hits or strikes out at anyone, it's immediate time out in the corner (any corner) and she sits there until she's ready to come out and apologise properly and fully.

You also tell her that if she hits anyone whilst you are out, she will be removed IMMEDIATELY from wherever you are (be it the park, your sisters, the shops etc) will be back in the car before she's even had time to get her shoes on and will be straight home (and back in the corner until she's apologised).

Be firm.
Be consistent.

Don't bend the rules or she'll play you like a piano.

brians_daughter

i know where you are at the moment - i have just come out of this.
Qs for thought...
Does she get enough contact with other kids? ie does she know how she should behave around them?

How do you usally try to tackle this. We have had success by taking him away, getting at his level explaining it makes so and so very sad and they will cry and if he cannot behave we will have to go home - we stick with it. We also took to when something hurt ie stumping toe in door we pretended cried and said 'oh that hurt mummy and made her sad' to make him understand what sad and hurt were

Speak to your HV, or MW (you say you are preg atm) also the ppl at children centres can assist. I am just doing a course via my local childrens centre 'the power of positive parenting' ok, its all old ground,and its all ideals but it is worth going just for the other mums pearls of wisdom!
Whats the punishment when she behaves like this? we went home after a warning and the naughtly corner
Are their specific times she does it ie when scared, or fretful etc

You need to be consistant, dont be scare to seek help..you have 12 weeks before baby is born to 'break' her so there is plently of time

Gordon_Hose

You can't really reason with a 2 year old, they just don't understand. I agree with mrcow, be firm and consistent, restriction of priveladges works well with younger children...no TV, time on the naughty step or even no play time in the park. It may take a while but they'll soon associate hitting with having something taken off them and it'll soon stop. You just gotta be prepared to ride out the tantrums and tears, be patient

Siemo

I completely agree with MrCow. I have a friend whose daughter is just like this and has been allowed to get away with it (with the occasional "don't do that") and she is a nightmare now (nearly 3).

If it were my child I would explain what I expect before I go anywhere (toddlers group/friend's etc) and watch her like a hawk while we're there. When she starts to show inappropriate behaviour I would intervene and tell her again to be gentle/use kind hands or whatever. If she does it again remove her totally from the situation (preferably out of the room) and give her time out. Explain again what she has done, say it's not nice etc. Leave her alone for 2 mins and then afterwards reinforce again what you expect and ask her to apologise to the other child. Personally I would tell her if she does it again we are going home and - most importantly - follow through with this. I think even at 2 a child will quickly get the message if you take her home because of her behaviour. However, if you don't feel you could follow it through for whatever reason don't say it, as otherwise she gets the message you don't mean what you say.

I've always been very firm with my children and sometimes wonder what other people think of me. My friend doesn't think her daughter needs disciplining because she's too young and doesn't understand....I'm sorry but even a baby learns what is expected of them if you are consistent and do the same thing every time. Consistency is the key and I'm sure she will learn quickly if you are firm - you'll probably find in a couple of weeks it's not an issue anymore.

Good luck - parenting is hard work but well worth it when people comment on how well behaved your LOs are

Valanita

Nothing more I can add that hasn't already been said. Be firm & don't give in if she throws a tantram.
I had one like that, though it was her brother she hit, not her friends. Poor lad too, until I twigged it was her not him starting it, being older he got the flack.

amiya

I am actually really firm with her, sometimes I feel like I'm overdoing it too (with the looks I get)
when she hits someone I grab her hand quickly (have to or she'd do serious damage) and say 'stop' or 'dont hit' and I make her say sorry and 'be nice' (give the child a pat/rub or something whilst saying nice). She knows its naughty and the other day I brought her home from the park because she started hitting children. Some days shes perfect but most of the times she starts playing up like this after a while. Before we go anywhere I explain to her LOADS that she must be nice and she's not allowed to hit at all and its like she understands completely (shes very vocal), she does understand the concept of pain and hurting etc.
It feels like she just likes to see their reaction because of the way she eyes them up.

I haven't properly tried the naughty corner yet, I tried it the other day but my dad went completely bonkers on me.

and..

I try taking her to children centres or the park everyday or every other day so she is around kids. and I'm usually at my mums house (live very nearby) so she's near my 9 year old brother a lot too.

RAS

amiya wrote: »

I haven't properly tried the naughty corner yet, I tried it the other day but my dad went completely bonkers on me.

he needs to learn that you are her mother and he does not have any right to comment on your actions, certainly not in front of her.

if he wants to remain in contact, anyway.

Chakani

amiya wrote: »

I am actually really firm with her, sometimes I feel like I'm overdoing it too (with the looks I get)
when she hits someone I grab her hand quickly (have to or she'd do serious damage) and say 'stop' or 'dont hit' and I make her say sorry and 'be nice' (give the child a pat/rub or something whilst saying nice). She knows its naughty and the other day I brought her home from the park because she started hitting children. Some days shes perfect but most of the times she starts playing up like this after a while. Before we go anywhere I explain to her LOADS that she must be nice and she's not allowed to hit at all and its like she understands completely (shes very vocal), she does understand the concept of pain and hurting etc.
It feels like she just likes to see their reaction because of the way she eyes them up.

I haven't properly tried the naughty corner yet, I tried it the other day but my dad went completely bonkers on me.

and..

I try taking her to children centres or the park everyday or every other day so she is around kids. and I'm usually at my mums house (live very nearby) so she's near my 9 year old brother a lot too.

You are doing well to pre-warn her what you expect, but what has she learned are the consequences for not meeting your expectations? Being told to stroke/apologise is no skin off her nose really is it?

At this age (mine is almost the same age and we had a little while of this a couple of months ago, there needs to be a direct consequence, that is immediate and makes her world uncomfortable for a few minutes. Whether you choose time-out, taking her home etc is up to you (I made DS sit on my lap on a chair in a corner at playgroup, as making him sit still while everyone else was playing was the thing that had the greatest effect on him, but that won't be the right solution for every child).

After the time out is the time they should apologise -by then they should be feeling sorry, not just saying it because mummy says to, although their reasons for feeling sorry at 2 will be selfish ones probably.

You have to be absolutely confident, in control and consistent when you do this. Make sure you know in advance exactly what you are going to do, where you will take her, how long for, how you plan to react to her. Then, you have to do it. Every time. Don't let her make you angry, just do the same thing every time, and she will learn that there is no way around behaving herself. Remember as well that she might challenge you more before she gives in, especially if she's managed it before.

ETS, your dad really needs to stop interfering, and you need to sort that out, but equally, if you're doing something new, it's always a good idea to make sure there are no distractions such as visitors around, so you don't feel pressured or distracted.

heretolearn_2

Yep, if she can't play nice, she doesn't get to play, simple as that. Naughty corner or removal on to your lap (not a cuddle though) immediately. Never mind your dad, you are on the right track.

Also positive reinforcement - when she is playing nicely, comment on it, just a simple 'oh you ARE playing nicely today, what a good girl'.

amiya

lol thanks for that. I took her park a little while ago before we went I told her 50 times in 2 different languages don't hit or we're coming home. Only naughty thing she did today is nick someones hat :T. sat next to other kids and everything and was really nice. now lets see if it'll work tomorrow at the centre and with my nephew.