Clearmydebts - new chapter to becoming debt free before moving home

Birdie85

*Hugs* Sorry you're feeling so rotten CMD, not really sure what to say to help but I want you to know I'm reading and thinking about you!

13 months is a terribly long time to be unhappy, that's nearly Max's life so far! Does your OH see what everyone else sees in you, that you're skinny, missing your spark etc, or does he not notice since he sees you all the time? Has anyone mentioned to him that they're concerned? Maybe he needs the shock of seeing you through new eyes to realise how important it is to take you back home.

Is he happy where you are? Maybe he likes going to work which is why he doesn't want to work from home, I know a lot of people can't deal with the isolation that comes with being home-based. As nice as it is to be with your family, it's also nice to spend time with other people. Although I think your suggestion of one week on, one week off is a very good one, is he worried about causing upset with his boss by asking about it and it possibly getting refused? I know my OH would be really wary of asking his boss about changing working arrangements in case it went badly and the boss held it against him in some way.

Dinah's comments about him wanting to stay with his family as much as possible are probably true too, being away from his babies will take its toll on him, especially as you said he's such a hands-on Dad.
On the skinny note... you are eating properly and looking after the baby aren't you? You've got to keep your strength up for their sake even if you don't feel like it.

Sorry, this isn't making much sense either, I wish I had the answer!

clearmydebts

Dinah93 wrote: »

Aw hon. I really feel for you as I know how much you've wanted to go. Give it a few days to both calm down and discuss things a bit more before setting out a plan in your head. Trying to get into your DHs way of thinking, I commute over an hour each way every day, but it is absolutely shattering, and I can't imagine how I'd feel if I had litle ones at home I'd want to see as I'd be too exhausted and might even get back too late to see them. On the commuting back and forth across the sea, personally I'd hate being away from my family 4 nights a week, and it wouldn't be a sacrifice I was ever prepared to make, I would want them with me and would feel rejected that my OH would rather be in a location on their own half the week than with me. Quite aside from that the job would become your life, travelling, living alone in a little one room place like a student, I can't imagine it would be the most enjoyable lifestyle longterm unless you were really, really driven by your career. Don't get me wrong, I completely see why you're upset, and I can't imagine how you feel not wanting to put down roots as you're so desperate to leave and get back to your family, but for him you've said he doesn't want to particularly move back, and maybe for him being with his family is what he's got now, and moving back would be worse for him as it would take him away from you all a lot of the time. You sound like there has been a lot of too-ing and fro-ing and big changes in your family make up, maybe he's just tired of it all and needs to be still for a while. I don't think I'm wording it very well, I hope nothing i have said comes across as confrontational or anything, I'm just trying to get into his mindset, as while obviously you're miserable atm, he would be shattered and quite possibly miserable for the forseeable future, and a small part of him must be wondering why you'd rather be with your family in Ireland than with him in the family unit you've chosen to make here. x

I can see where you are coming from Dinah and that's why I want to apply to work from home, so he can be with us and then every other week go off for a few days and be office based. I am trying to think of a way that we can all be together for the most amount of time. But OH is unwilling to discuss this option with his boss because he thinks he won't go for it.

He doesn't want to be in the UK either and doesn't particularly like living here. TBH I don't know where he would be happy, Spain maybe but there are no jobs there either.

The reason I am so miserable is because I know once the new baby comes along I will be very isolated all day long. We will have very little money and OH won't be home until 6pm every day. He commutes a 50 minute journey anyway, so if he worked from home he would have no commute except a 45 minute flight every couple of weeks.

Life with 2 babies will be incredibly lovely if I have no family and only a handful of friends. Babies are easy but a toddler and a baby isn't. Trying to get on a bus with 2 of them, one crying for a bottle and one arching his back to get out of the buggy is no fun. At the moment I can take Max out of his buggy and let him walk around, but it is hard work trying to keep a hold of him. When we are out and he is finished eating he wants to get out starts throwing food. He isn't being bold it is just his age. However, getting out and about is something I would have to do as it isn't fair to keep children inside. Add the harsh Scottish weather to the mix and it becomes a nightmare.

Being at home means there are people I know well that I can drop in to visit. They also have children and they an all play together. Having my Mum and Dad around means that we can do stuff like go and have lunch as I have some back up and support.

Being on my own from 8am-6pm Monday to Friday is not something that I want. It is not a rejection of OH either, but he is not around and is only there for an hour or 2 before they go to bed.

Dinah93

I don't mean in any way that going back to Ireland wouldn't be better for you and your family, I'm just trying to come at it from his point of view - if in his head working from home isn't an option, then moving back there means him commuting to a different country, and that can't be an attractive proposition because aside from anything else he's going to feel the lonlieness you currently feel, but worse as he doesn't have his children to come home to, at least now he has that hour or two.

clearmydebts

Birdie85 wrote: »

*Hugs* Sorry you're feeling so rotten CMD, not really sure what to say to help but I want you to know I'm reading and thinking about you!

13 months is a terribly long time to be unhappy, that's nearly Max's life so far! Does your OH see what everyone else sees in you, that you're skinny, missing your spark etc, or does he not notice since he sees you all the time? Has anyone mentioned to him that they're concerned? Maybe he needs the shock of seeing you through new eyes to realise how important it is to take you back home.

Is he happy where you are? Maybe he likes going to work which is why he doesn't want to work from home, I know a lot of people can't deal with the isolation that comes with being home-based. As nice as it is to be with your family, it's also nice to spend time with other people. Although I think your suggestion of one week on, one week off is a very good one, is he worried about causing upset with his boss by asking about it and it possibly getting refused? I know my OH would be really wary of asking his boss about changing working arrangements in case it went badly and the boss held it against him in some way.

Dinah's comments about him wanting to stay with his family as much as possible are probably true too, being away from his babies will take its toll on him, especially as you said he's such a hands-on Dad.
On the skinny note... you are eating properly and looking after the baby aren't you? You've got to keep your strength up for their sake even if you don't feel like it.

Sorry, this isn't making much sense either, I wish I had the answer!

Thanks Birdie. You have made me cry (but not in a bad way). 3 months is a long time to be unhappy. I can't help the way I feel and I can't control my homesickness. It is such a horrible feeling, is always there with me and makes me feel so alone. If I could stop feeling this way I would.

My mother has mentioned to OH that she is worried about me. His way of dealing with it is to pretend it isn't happening.

He doesn't like where we live either. And he isn't partucularly happy in his job, I think the company does his head in at times. I think you are right about him being afraid that it will be refused. He thinks his boss won't go for it at all.

I also know he would be upset to be on his own over here and he would miss us all and again, that's why I want to see if he could do 1 week on, 1 week off so he was with us a good bit of the time. Or the compressed hours so he could be home every Thursday night and gone again on the Monday. He would get more quality time with us then anyway.

clearmydebts

Dinah93 wrote: »

I don't mean in any way that going back to Ireland wouldn't be better for you and your family, I'm just trying to come at it from his point of view - if in his head working from home isn't an option, then moving back there means him commuting to a different country, and that can't be an attractive proposition because aside from anything else he's going to feel the lonlieness you currently feel, but worse as he doesn't have his children to come home to, at least now he has that hour or two.

But at least if he discusses it with the boss and it isn't an option then he can look at compressed hours.

I am trying to look at it from his point of view but I can't see how being with us all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday wouldn't compensate for him having 3 nights on his own during the week. He has really really close friends over here so Monday night he could meet the, Tuesday night he could pratice his drums and Wednesday night he could study. He wants to do a course so he could study every night if he wants. He could look at it positively and do the things that he never has time to do, go to gigs, play drums and take up a course. He won't have time to do them with 2 babies and he is always moaning that he never has time to himself.

starnac

Have I ever told you what happened with me and DH after Seren was born?

We lived in Manchester where I had no family (his didn't really visit us very often) and very little friends. I was incredibly homesick. Add to that PND and one day I told DH that I was packing my bags and going to live with my mum for a while. And I did. That was the first time he ever really noticed how sad and homesick I was.

I packed a bag for me and a bag for DD. I drove 4 hours to my mums and stayed there for 2 years. DH had to stay up north as we were paying a mortgage on a house and I no longer had a job. I cried every day he wasn't there (and for quite a while after he moved). DD and I moved in the October but DH couldn't follow us til the Feb when I eventually managed to get a job. He packed all our stuff into storage and rented the house out (it was during the housing crash and we couldn't afford to sell it) He moved into a shared room at the place where he worked (which I know he hated) and visited us about once/twice a month as he had to work most weekends too.

I felt so guilty about what I had done to him but at the same time felt so much better being in familiar surroundings. After he followed us down I had enormous feelings of guilt when he struggled to find a job and also at the fact that we were living with my parents as we couldn't afford our own place.

3 years later we are both settled in our own home, both have jobs (DH LOVES his) and we have another baby on the way. Probably if I hadn't packed my bags we would already have a 2nd child and we wouldn't have the debt we have now. But we are happier now than we were and it gave DH the push to get out of a job he didn't really like (but paid well).

I doubt this has helped you at all. I just wanted to give you a bit of an insight into what happened to us. I'm glad we made the move but I'm not proud of the way I did it. I was a single parent to a toddler and DH was effectively a single bloke sharing with a friend. It was not ideal.

Please think long and hard and please talk to your OH before making any big decisions.

wendz86

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling.

I can't really add much to what the others said but sounds like you and oh need to talk some more.

I know it would be really horrible to have 2 kids and be lonely. You want to be with your family and friends which is understandable.

Does your OH have any other reasons to not go or is it just this not wanting to ask for the different working?

Hope you are ok and looking after yourself x

clearmydebts

starnac wrote: »

Have I ever told you what happened with me and DH after Seren was born?

We lived in Manchester where I had no family (his didn't really visit us very often) and very little friends. I was incredibly homesick. Add to that PND and one day I told DH that I was packing my bags and going to live with my mum for a while. And I did. That was the first time he ever really noticed how sad and homesick I was.

I packed a bag for me and a bag for DD. I drove 4 hours to my mums and stayed there for 2 years. DH had to stay up north as we were paying a mortgage on a house and I no longer had a job. I cried every day he wasn't there (and for quite a while after he moved). DD and I moved in the October but DH couldn't follow us til the Feb when I eventually managed to get a job. He packed all our stuff into storage and rented the house out (it was during the housing crash and we couldn't afford to sell it) He moved into a shared room at the place where he worked (which I know he hated) and visited us about once/twice a month as he had to work most weekends too.

I felt so guilty about what I had done to him but at the same time felt so much better being in familiar surroundings. After he followed us down I had enormous feelings of guilt when he struggled to find a job and also at the fact that we were living with my parents as we couldn't afford our own place.

3 years later we are both settled in our own home, both have jobs (DH LOVES his) and we have another baby on the way. Probably if I hadn't packed my bags we would already have a 2nd child and we wouldn't have the debt we have now. But we are happier now than we were and it gave DH the push to get out of a job he didn't really like (but paid well).

I doubt this has helped you at all. I just wanted to give you a bit of an insight into what happened to us. I'm glad we made the move but I'm not proud of the way I did it. I was a single parent to a toddler and DH was effectively a single bloke sharing with a friend. It was not ideal.

Please think long and hard and please talk to your OH before making any big decisions.

Thanks so much for sharing that with me. I can totally understand your feelings of homesickness and then of the guilt at separating the family.

I just feel that I have been telling OH how I feel since June 2010 and he is not listening. I know there are no jobs in Ireland but I am trying to come up with solutions and he just dismisses them. How does he really know what his compamny will say? He is just making presumptions.

clearmydebts

wendz86 wrote: »

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling.

I can't really add much to what the others said but sounds like you and oh need to talk some more.

I know it would be really horrible to have 2 kids and be lonely. You want to be with your family and friends which is understandable.

Does your OH have any other reasons to not go or is it just this not wanting to ask for the different working?

Hope you are ok and looking after yourself x

OH never wanted to move back to Ireland. He always dreamt of living in Spain. It is totally unrealistic though, there are absolutely no jobs over there and no prospect of a job there. His head is in the clouds half the time. He also doesn't want to live in the UK.

However, at the moment he is making me feel like he is doing me a favour by moving home. Other people have remarked on this as well. He also wants to move to a place that would put us in the position to have a huge mortgage. It would mean saving up for 3 years + for a deposit and then having a big mortgage. I want us to move to another town (where I am from, 10 mins drive from the first town) and get a modest house and small mortgage. We could probably save the deposit in 6 months and then upgrade in 5 years time. OH says that I am being sneaky trying to get him to move home first and then to move to a town that he is not keen on.

But he keeps looking at areas that would isolate me from my family (bearing in mind I don't drive and the transport is rubbish). I just want to be close to family (when the babies are young) and I want a tiny mortgage so we can enjoy life.

Don't get me wrong - I would love the other town. But we can't afford it. I just want to be sensible. OH has all these dreams, but where haev they gotten him - nowhere. We still rent and although we own a flat we can't live in because iof the stairs.

Dinah93

Just a thought but could you maybe learn to drive, to give him an indication that you are planning and preparing to move to the town he wants to go to? Not saying a bigger morgage is better, just so he thinks his preferences are still on the table. x