SAHMS - How to rejoin the real world after being a mum?

Caroline73_2

OP - the fact that you use 'mum' in your username says to me that you have lost your identity a bit. I would focus on things that are solely for you. I think you would be better to build up your confidence for a few months and then go serious job hunting. Try and decide what you want to do rather than jump in to any job.

I just joined a gym which is only £15 a month and I can go everyday if I want to. I go in the day and it's practically empty, I also got 5 personal training session included. That would help your weight loss and do something for yourself.

Do you have any hobbies? There are lots of hobby groups around. Again they could build confidence and maybe find a way into a job you would love.

dora37

Being a SAHM doesn't necessarily define you as that.......only if you want it to.

I am a SAHM, however I enjoy it, I find plenty to fill my time, to feed my brain, whilst still being an interested and participating Mum and it certainly doesn't define me.

SAHM doesn't always mean the stereotypical daytime tv/chores/lack of skills etc.....it's like anything in life, it's what you make it.

Pixiechic

What I don't understand here though is that you are no longer a stay at home mum as you don't have a child that needs looking after at home anymore. Therefore what you are saying is that you just want to be a stay at home.
Well join the club, I would love to be able to just stay at home but the bills need to be paid.

I also don't want my dbf to have the whole financial responsibility sat squarely on his shoulders. Believe it or not but there are millions of people in jobs that they don't like or enjoy, having to deal with people who they wouldn't choose to. Biting your tongue and staying professional when you want to cry, storm out, swear at them. Why do we all do it? For the money to be able to live.

You are just looking at ideals and if you don't have the ideal then you don't want to do it. You have had a free ride by the sounds of it and I feel sorry for your husband. You know how to lose the weight and really just do what the rest of us have had to do. Get off your bum and go to work and make an effort. We could all sit here going on about not liking our jobs and not wanting to do it but because we feel a financial responsibilty we do do it. Where is your sense of financial responsibility toward your family? Why is it always that so many women feel that its just solely down to the man to provide financially for them??? Get some training, do some exercise. Show a decent example to your children.

I know I sound harsh but I find it so incredibly frustrating. The people who should be applauded are the ones who raise there children welll with both parents contributing financially to the family. Mums who have bothered to educate themselves, are financially independent and great Mums.

I'm not saying that raising a child is easy but having another one just because you don't want to work is a joke. Get back in the real world and do the slog. Work on your relationship with your husband and support him too. You can train in many different ways but you have to make the effort like we all do, whether you like it or want to. The male gravy train may not last forever.

Allegra

Rainey_LB wrote: »

I will probably get shot for this, and maybe it's not quite your point, but I am sick of STAHM's (not necessarily on MSE) telling me how hard it is and how busy they are and how I don't understand what they have to do everyday and how I've got it easy to go to work........I have 2 jobs and 2 kids, 3 if you count the OH....and still have to do everything a STAHM has to do....who else do you think does it.....very sorry rant over!!!!

I think people tend to mix up their "easy" with their "easier". Staying at home to look after children is not easy. It is, however, easier than having to go out to work and then fitting all the work of a SAHM into whatever time there's left.

Of course, that does not apply if you have staff, or family members that will do the work for you while you are at work. I would guess though that not many of us are in that situation.

donnaessex

Allegra wrote: »

I think people tend to mix up their "easy" with their "easier". Staying at home to look after children is not easy. It is, however, easier than having to go out to work and then fitting all the work of a SAHM into whatever time there's left.

Of course, that does not apply if you have staff, or family members that will do the work for you while you are at work. I would guess though that not many of us are in that situation.

I would LOVE to spend more time at home with my children but needs must and I work full time.

I had 2 weeks off a few weeks ago when my childminder was on holiday and I loved every second of it as did my babies. Their mum wasnt on a mission every night to get dinner done and on the table in 20 minutes flat, then cleaning and ironing and washing while they eat their dinner, then rushed upstairs for bath and bedtime. When I was off for those two weeks we played hide and seek, we baked biscuits, we walked to the park, we gave their dolls a bath in the garden, I did my cleaning and ironing etc while they napped, my 3 year old daughter did my make up (:eek:), they helped me to make dinner in a leisurely way, we made paper plate masks, I cleared all the household paperwork and they shreeded it for me, we did the gardening - I could go on and on but you get the message.

I was off on maternity leave for a year with my two when my son was born and never ever thought "you know, what, I'd like to work". Being a SAHM IS easier than being a full time working mum with the same responsibilities at home. I'd love to be one - I miss so much of my toddlers lives while I work.

OrkneyStar

leanneq wrote: »

But mum's rarely can afford not to work so theres lots of mums who work AND care for their children along with having the guilt of not being at home.

I know lots of SAHM parents, and on the contrary many of them are not well off or have rich husbands! We just cut our cloth accordingly (spend what we have, budget!).
I am not saying working mothers have it easy, far from it I imagine. TBH I think SAHM and working mums generally have busy lives.

Caroline73 wrote: »

I've been a working mum and a stay at home mum. There were no differences to what I did at home whether I was WAHM or SAHM. Now I'm a SAHM I have an extra 40 hours a week to do it in.

This may be true if your children are of school age, but not so with a baby or toddler running around, the parent is doing all the things that a child-minder of a working mum is paid to do, along with everything else all mothers do!

donnaessex wrote: »

Being a SAHM IS easier than being a full time working mum with the same responsibilities at home. I'd love to be one - I miss so much of my toddlers lives while I work.

To be fair, I really do think this depends on the person, the family set up etc.
TBH as a SAHM I have less money, therefore I spend a lot of my time cooking etc from scratch (yes I know a lot of working mums also cook some things from scratch too before anyone shouts!), budgetting etc. To me being a SAHM is a challenge- financially, and looking after a crazy 3 year old!. Once he goes to school I will re-think things then, and likely do some sort of work (I am educated and hope to put some of that to use!). I think being a SAHM to pre-school age child(ren) is different from primary age and again different from secondary age. Undoubtedly as children get older they become more independent and mother should be doing less for them (eg picking up own laundry, tidying own room, more self sufficient entertainment-wise!).
The other thing that complicates my situation is that I have a recurring lower back/coccyx problem- giving me a lot of pain, so my experiences of work/SAHM are influenced by that and I do suffer from pain on a regular basis and get very tired....there are jobs that can be worked around this of course, and as I said once my son is older we will see!

donnaessex

OrkneyStar wrote: »

TBH as a SAHM I have less money, therefore I spend a lot of my time cooking etc from scratch (yes I know a lot of working mums also cook some things from scratch too before anyone shouts!), budgetting etc. To me being a SAHM is a challenge- financially, and looking after a crazy 3 year old!. Once he goes to school I will re-think things then, and likely do some sort of work (I am educated and hope to put some of that to use!). I think being a SAHM to pre-school age child(ren) is different from primary age and again different from secondary age. Undoubtedly as children get older they become more independent and mother should be doing less for them (eg picking up own laundry, tidying own room, more self sufficient entertainment-wise!).

You see, I do try to ensure that my children do have a SAHM lifestyle even while I am a full time working mum. They still get batch cooked meals (usually made between 8 and 10pm), they still get home made cakes as treats, they still get me sitting at a sewing machine at 11pm fixing their clothes.

I am a mum to two children aged (nearly) 3, and 21 months. Its hard work, and my minder does have a hard day I know that. But as a mum, I want to be with my children - I am rather envious that she gets the good parts of my kids and I get the whingy part - when they are waking and going to bed.

andrealm

Rainey_LB wrote: »

I will probably get shot for this, and maybe it's not quite your point, but I am sick of STAHM's (not necessarily on MSE) telling me how hard it is and how busy they are and how I don't understand what they have to do everyday and how I've got it easy to go to work........I have 2 jobs and 2 kids, 3 if you count the OH....and still have to do everything a STAHM has to do....who else do you think does it.....very sorry rant over!!!!

No offence OP, my little rant is by no way aimed at you, I would love to spend some time as a STAHM, I am sure you will find something that suits you soon and you will feel good for contributing to your family in a different way now your kids have grown. Think of it as starting out on a new adventure, give yourself some time, don't feel like it should all fall into place straightway and just take each day as it comes. You now have the opportunity to try new things and find out what you might enjoy doing. Just be open to trying new things, if you don't like the first thing you try, move on to something else and I am sure you will make new friends along the way.

Good luck!

** of course I am not disputing how hard it is to be a good mum, STAH or otherwise!!

Your OH is a kid?! I know you're only joking but surely if you both work it's reasonable to split the housework, childcare etc fairly evenly. I'm a SAHM and I do most, but not all the housework but if we both worked full time we'd share the housework more evenly.

borokat

I don't see how a lot of this is helping the OP, who already sounds unhappy. Telling her she's had a free ride and is leeching off her OH is not constructive.

She is already working, but she really dislikes her job and more to the point it sounds like she doesn't think she's any good at it. Just because life is tough, we all have to pay bills, and we are in a recession, doesn't mean that we should all have miserable lives to boot!

I think it would help if the OP would tell us what her degree is in, people might have experience in that area or be able to come up with some creative solutions for using the qualification.

I think the first thing that needs addressing is your confidence. You want to lose weight, start off small try and lose half a stone. Get out and about, walk instead of driving to the shops, cut out snacks, swap biccies for fruit. You say you have no social life, what about with your husband? Can the two of you find £10 a week to have a couple of drinks in a pub? (diet coke if you're serious about weight loss!) this could help you to build up to doing things on your own. You might find doing something like Weight Watchers you are able to make friends through it. Why not be the one to suggest a night out at the end of the month...could just be a cinema trip. I think you should try and focus on feeling better about yourself before looking for a new job, as if you are feeling confident and happy you are more likely to find a job you actually like. Good luck.

OrkneyStar

borokat wrote: »

I don't see how a lot of this is helping the OP, who already sounds unhappy. Telling her she's had a free ride and is leeching off her OH is not constructive.

She is already working, but she really dislikes her job and more to the point it sounds like she doesn't think she's any good at it. Just because life is tough, we all have to pay bills, and we are in a recession, doesn't mean that we should all have miserable lives to boot!

I think it would help if the OP would tell us what her degree is in, people might have experience in that area or be able to come up with some creative solutions for using the qualification.

I think the first thing that needs addressing is your confidence. You want to lose weight, start off small try and lose half a stone. Get out and about, walk instead of driving to the shops, cut out snacks, swap biccies for fruit. You say you have no social life, what about with your husband? Can the two of you find £10 a week to have a couple of drinks in a pub? (diet coke if you're serious about weight loss!) this could help you to build up to doing things on your own. You might find doing something like Weight Watchers you are able to make friends through it. Why not be the one to suggest a night out at the end of the month...could just be a cinema trip. I think you should try and focus on feeling better about yourself before looking for a new job, as if you are feeling confident and happy you are more likely to find a job you actually like. Good luck.

I agree, when I pointed out that she should not put herself down (or let anyone else put her down for that matter) for being a SAHM all those years I was trying to be postitive- to encourage her to think of all she gained by doing it. Sadly it seems to have turned into a SAHM vs working mum debate, which, as we all know, is not giving the OP much constructive advice! x